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Thread: How to deal with jealously with a female friend that I know since many years

  1. #1
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    How to deal with jealously with a female friend that I know since many years

    I am since 4 months in a relatioship with an amazing girl, to whom I feel deeply in love.

    Since more than 12 years, I am good friends with a girl (lets call her M). We did many skiing trips and similar (normally with more friends, though also just together) over the years and got a bit close, and we talk from time to time (for instance when I finally broke up with my ex, M helped me by listening to me and giving good advice).
    Now, M is a really positive person with tons of friends, but (as I explained to my girlfriend), it was never anything more than friendship between us.

    So I was honest with my gf about M, as in my mind this (and other) friendship and all those sport trips is just something nice, and clearly if nothing happened between M and me in all these years, nothing will happen, and neither me other M feel for each other on this way.

    That was not how my gf saw it. I didn't realize at the beginning, but then she mentioned different times that it bothered her that I was "so close with this girl". I tried to explain that I would be friends just the same with her if M was a boy, but I guess I didnt do a good job as the more I explained the more jealous she got.
    I am trying to be a great boyfriend and do the right thing, but what should I do?

    Throwing a 12 years friendship just because M is a girl seems very wrong, so how do I make my gf feel stop feeling threatened about that? I would like that they just meet, but (as M lives in a different city) that would probably mean doing together some ski trip, and now I am worried that my gf will feel bad when she sees me enjoying conversation and laughing with M (as my gf is way more shy socially as M).

    For now the only thing I did is to be clear with M that she shouldnt count me in for any trip for now, and when we were by chance in the same city we met for a beer (with another common friend)..... and i didnt mention that to my gf, as i didnt want to make her feel bad - with made me feel guilty even if i have nothing to hide.

    For more background, my gf actually explained why she felt bad: apparently her ex got very close (if sexually or not i dont know) with some female coworker and my gf felt very hurt about that.

    Appreciate your thoughts about this!!

  2. #2
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    I wouldn't recommend you take any more solo trips with your friend, no. At some point, you draw a healthy boundary to preserve your relationship. A trip all together could be a good idea, though. Perhaps your girlfriend will feel less threatened when she actually meets her and gets to know her.

    I don't think it's necessary to throw away this friendship. It sounds like you are trying to be understanding, and it doesn't appear you and your friend are in constant contact anyway. At some point, your girlfriend will need to meet you halfway and work on her own insecurity about it. You can't be the only one putting in effort to make her feel okay about it; she needs to take some steps too. You are not her ex, and she has to realize she can't project her past pain onto you and expect that you will cut off a friend to make her feel better.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Create some boundaries. Stop talking about M this much to your gf. Also your gf can not and should not dictate who your friends are based on her past baggage. You now resort to secrecy and lying to keep the peace and that is all wrong.
    Originally Posted by hawkmoon
    she mentioned different times that it bothered her that I was "so close with this girl". we met for a beer ..... and i didnt mention that to my gf.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 09-07-2018 at 07:34 AM.

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    Arrange a time for them to meet. Doesnt have to be a ski trip, but maybe a long weekend where you and your GF go to where this friend is.

    Honestly, I, too, would be uncomfortable if I was your GF, so I get where shes coming from. Its different from a same-sex friendship because it just is.

    Let her know you hear her, and you want to understand, and you want to do as much as possible to make her feel as comfortable, and included, as possible.

    And no, do not take solo trips with this friend now that you have a GF.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I disagree a bit with the above.

    M is a friend of yours, a longtime friend who had been only that, so why change it? The only issue here is that she is a woman, and a lot of that issue is because of your gfs last bf. Those insecurities and anxieties are hers to deal with, not project onto you.

    Im not saying to disregard her issues, but you certainly dont want to feel like its a friendship you have to keep hidden or feel guilty about. Have the two met? Is there a way to make your gf comfortable without having to alter/end your friendship?

    I have plenty of female friends, and I wouldnt consider ending any of them if a new gf was jealous. Id also never lie or hide this, because Id like to be accepted for who I am by who Im with.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    First thing is stop lying to your gf. You might be avoiding a temporary upset, but you will kill your relationship if she finds out that you lied about hanging out with her. Being friends is one thing, hiding hanging out with that person makes you look like a cheater.

    Second thing is you are talking up this friend of yours as if you are kind of in love with her and would be with her if she gave you half a chance. That may not be true at all, but it's how you are coming across. So from that alone, pretty much any woman is going to get concerned and suspicious about what's really going on between you and if she might be just second best to the one you can't have.

    Third, you absolutely shouldn't be going on solo trips with a female friend, just the two of you, when you are in a relationship. Just cross that off your list. Sure there are people who think it's fine. Those are few and far apart. In reality, it's not that anything would happen, it's that this kind of stuff gives the appearance of impropriety. You should never subject your partner to that.

    Make sure your gf is included in those trips and goes. Also, you don't need a ski trip to go for a weekend to your friend's city or nearby and arrange that they meet up. It might help, then again....it might not if you appear to be enamored with your friend.

    Ultimately, what others said. Your gf needs to work on her past baggage and not make it your problem. At the same time, you need to work on some clear boundaries with your friend that respect your relationship.

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    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    As everyone else here said, create some boundaries. You don't need to stop being friends with your female friend. But I agree; maybe time to stop taking solo trips with her, doing things with her that may come off as bf/gf things. And don't talk about her too much or that can also cause reason for concern.

    I totally agree with the idea posted above, maybe invite your girlfriend to these things with your friend it won't rub off the wrong way on her then. I think the best thing you could do is introduce them in some mutual activity. If she gets to know your friend and understand there's no feelings or attraction between you two then she will mostly likely get over any issues you have spending time with your friend. Your friends can (and should be) friends with your girlfriend, regardless of gender. It's good when everyone gets along and knows each others faces.

    Whatever you do, just make this all natural/normal as possible. Don't go out of your way to let these two meet. Don't talk about it or bring it up constantly. And to end that; no one should ever tell you who your friends can and can't be. If she downright says I don't want you hanging out with that girl, well maybe she's not the right person for you then.

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    Understand why she's insecure but make sure she doesn't tell you who you can and cannot be friends with. Friendship lasts longer and this is just a 4 month relationship at this point. 12 years is a long time afterall.

  10. #9
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    Your gf has no reason to be jealous, this is about her own insecurities. if it isn't M, it will be another friend.


    You should never have to lie to a partner, and the fact that you would to prevent your gf from acting like a fool is ridiculous. You should not be allowing this behavior. Your gf has trust issues, and you should not be penalized for her past.

    If a new partner had any issues with my longtime male friends, I would lose the partner. My friends have been around for a long time, I would not be willing to lose those relationships.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-08-2018 at 12:16 AM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    A 'good' friend will have our best interests at heart, even when that means demonstrating respect for our choice of a partner. When that's not convenient to the friendship, it's a signal to a healthy friend that it's time to diffuse his or her reliance on us as a ~primary~ relationship in their lives. If a friend doesn't heed that signal, it's up to us to raise realistic limits and to enforce those.

    We had sleepovers and shared intimacies with historic friends that don't necessarily translate well into our adult years. We might 'work' with a friend to recognize the evolution of our friendship in ways that honor our individual paths and other important people in our lives. This will teach us whether friend is capable of viewing divergence through a respectful lens--or not.

    But we can't instill our ideals of resilience in other people. We can suggest, and then we can observe. If someone insists on imposing behaviors that are counter to OUR best interests, we can put distance between ourselves and that person while leaving the door open to a change of heart in the future. You'll need to decide whether this 'should' apply to GF, your friend, or both.

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