After a month of no contact, i'm conflicted on whether to reach out to my ex.

We were good friends for a year, and dated for another. I thought we had a very good relationship, but earlier this summer we were doing distance, and my girlfriend got confused with her feelings for someone else. It was obviously more complicated than this but the result was that she ended up breaking up with me. When we did say goodbye though, we did it on as good terms as can be said, and I could tell that while she was sure of her descision, she still loved me. She also said that she wouldn't be pursuing the other guy either and that her feelings for him just stemmed from her own insecurities and she wanted to be alone for a while to work on them. Obviously she could have just said that for my sake or changed her mind since then, but I thought it worth mentioning.

This was a month ago. Since then, I've noticed little signs that she is actively trying to move on, and I dont blame her. I've accepted that our relationship is over for good, and that she has most likely moved on. I find myself wanting to reach out now though, just to wish her well this year and tell her that I hope she's happy. That's it, I dont really want or need a conversation, I just want to wish her well. This part of me feels like I might get a little more closure. From what I can gather, I think its also possible that my ex thinks I resent her for everything she did and she has been acting passive aggresively in response. Reaching out would also clarify that I don't harbour any ill will to her.

The other part of me is saying though that there's no point anymore, and i'm just lowering myself more and showing her that I'm not quite over her if I reach out at all. And my friends tell me that she doesn't deserve any more kindness from me after all I did for her. So I don't know what to do. A part of me feels like a casual final conversation (not bringing up the past or relationship) will give me some closure, while the other says I should just let her be. What should I do?

...earlier this summer we were doing distance, and my girlfriend got confused with her feelings for someone else

She doesn't sound confused to me. She made her mind up to break it off with you. Permanently. It doesn't matter if it was the long distance, or the grass looking a bit greener, or whatever. She made that decision. She is probably feeling relieved, and free, right now. She might feel a little bit guilty about hurting you, but that will pass.

 

I could tell that while she was sure of her decision...

 

This was a month ago. Since then, I've noticed little signs that she is actively trying to move on...

 

I've accepted that our relationship is over for good...

 

Do NOT contact her.

A month is not enough time for anyone to miss somebody they dumped, change, re-think things, etc.

You know her better than any of us, but ask yourself this question - did she say she was not going to pursue the other guy to let you down gently?

No Contact is not for a month, or 90 days or any fixed period. From the dumpee's side, it is FOREVER.

It doesn't matter if you have accepted its gone for good, or you still harbor some hope that she might come back. You didn't say how old you are (and she is) - if you are really young, she probably isn't coming back any time soon.

If you contact her now, she'll be thinking oh s***, what does he want. You will lower yourself, your friends are right. You will look needy and unattractive. Doing that will simply retard your healing process. You'll be back at day 1.

If she contacts you with some breadcrumb message, do not take the bait. Hopefully you have already told her "This is not what I wanted, but I respect your decision. I will not be just a friend with you. If you re-think things, give me a call, otherwise, I wish you all the best", but a breadcrumb now would be a good opportunity to say it. And then stick to your guns.

OP, your handle says you are on a journey, and that is where you are. So, stop looking for a destination. You won't get closure from her.

My question to to you is, what are you doing to improve yourself during no contact?

You can't control what she does. You can enhance your own life - and find a girl who wants to be with the improved you.

PS: I wrote the above on the understanding that you were for a while, but are not now still, long distance. If it is still long distance, and the geography might change in the future so you are in the same location - all the better that she arrives back in town to see the new improved Manonajourney was doing just fine without her.

 

The other part of me is saying though that there's no point anymore, and i'm just lowering myself more and showing her that I'm not quite over her if I reach out at all. And my friends tell me that she doesn't deserve any more kindness from me after all I did for her. So I don't know what to do. A part of me feels like a casual final conversation (not bringing up the past or relationship) will give me some closure, while the other says I should just let her be. What should I do?

listen to your friends

Lol, thanks for the tough love, it actually did help me out and made me see how silly I'm being. Regarding what she said about not pursuing the other guy, I truly believe she meant it in the moment we last saw eachother, and she wasn't saying it for my benefit. But I also know that anything could have happened since then and that the guy could have tried all the tricks up his sleeve and could have been there for her once he heard we brokeup. So I don't know if anything happened.

We are both fairly young since you mention it. I'm 23 and she's turning 21 next month.

This ain't my first rodeo though, i've been doing a bit to keep myself busy and improve on myself. I've started going back to the gym, taking up some skills and hobbies I always wanted to try, and just trying to reconnect with some friends again. And I have been feeling better. And just typing this out makes me realize you're right, why risk going back to day 1? I'm doing better every day.

I won't be following up with her, there is no point. Though we're only a couple of hours away, we're not even in the same city atm as I just graduated and moved back home. And as the dumpee, I agree there's nothing to be gained from my side by reaching out to her. So I won't. Thanks for your advice.

You're not being silly at all. You're being perfectly human.

Still, this isn't the time for contact. A month, as others said, is nothing. It's hard, agonizing, confusing—been there!—but in the grand scheme it's a blink of an eye. And that you're even posting this question shows that you have a lot of unresolved feelings. Hard as it is, that resolution—that closure—will only come from within. Any contact with her now will just confuse things.

Many breakups follow a certain pattern. Initially there's one party that is relieved, moving on faster, and another holding onto the pain and confusion. After some time—a few months, say—sometimes those roles become reversed. And then, after even more time, total acceptance starts to set in. You just have to ride those waves on your own.

I'm not as strict about no contact as others are on here. I have great relationships with a number of exes, but in most cases there were years of not speaking. As a general rule of thumb you can reach out when you don't even think about what it means, when you don't need to turn to a forum like this for an opinion. Because then it will just be as pedestrian as saying hello, with true indifference and acceptance.

Thanks for the advice bluecastle! Yea, we were good friends before we started dating so I'm optimistic that maybe we can be friends again on day in the future. I'll know when the time is right if it comes.In the meantime, I have plenty of things to work on and keep myself busy :)

Good man - keep up the hard work and something better will come into your life. At 23 you should be exploring.

Lol, thanks for the tough love, it actually did help me out and made me see how silly I'm being. Regarding what she said about not pursuing the other guy, I truly believe she meant it in the moment we last saw eachother, and she wasn't saying it for my benefit. But I also know that anything could have happened since then and that the guy could have tried all the tricks up his sleeve and could have been there for her once he heard we brokeup. So I don't know if anything happened.

 

We are both fairly young since you mention it. I'm 23 and she's turning 21 next month.

 

This ain't my first rodeo though, i've been doing a bit to keep myself busy and improve on myself. I've started going back to the gym, taking up some skills and hobbies I always wanted to try, and just trying to reconnect with some friends again. And I have been feeling better. And just typing this out makes me realize you're right, why risk going back to day 1? I'm doing better every day.

 

I won't be following up with her, there is no point. Though we're only a couple of hours away, we're not even in the same city atm as I just graduated and moved back home. And as the dumpee, I agree there's nothing to be gained from my side by reaching out to her. So I won't. Thanks for your advice.

I agree with the others. There's no point contacting her.

Not enough time has passed for you to feel okay if you don't get much of a reply from her, or if she reveals she is dating this other guy now. It's just not worth the risk to your feelings.

Sorry to hear this. Let go. She left you for someone else and "closure" was when she told you that and broke up. You may be curious or lonely, but don't reach out.

my girlfriend got confused with her feelings for someone else. she ended up breaking up with me.

Thanks for the advice everyone, will not be following up with her to check in. Cheers!

Stop making excuses to reach out. She is clear in her thinking and did what she thought was best for her. Also, if she loved you, she would not have dumped you.

Block and delete her number.

Stop making excuses to reach out. She is clear in her thinking and did what she thought was best for her. Also, if she loved you, she would not have dumped you.

 

Block and delete her number.

Amen. It is painful to do this, but the sooner that you do, you'll start moving your life forward and stop wasting your time and emotional energy on someone who has chosen to move on as well.

Also, disable your Facebook account until you stop thinking about her on a regular basis. Don't creep her electronically. It's weak behavior. The strongest move you can pull now is to disappear like a ghost to her and any mutual friends (that are more her friends than yours).