Is it me or him

Hi everyone, I'm on here for a little bit of advice, I'll start from the beginning.

Me and my partner got together 18months ago, at first everything was good, we moved in together after 3 months, he worked a lot and was stressed a lot, we had our ups and downs living together sometimes he could get drunk and be mean calling me names, every argument we had it would be him shouting and me crying, although we have had some amazing times together as Well,

One day we booked a holiday for 5 months time, the day after he lost his job, being as we were both stresses we decided to cut out losses on our rented house and move to his mum's. From here things got worse he worked 2 jobs and I never saw him, he would always be moody an never put us first, we haven't had sex in 4 months, it was at his mum's I found out he was talking to another girl calling her babe and asking to meet up, we spoke about it all and set a goal to sort things out, but it ended up being me feeling loanly cuz of his work, the day before we was due to go on holiday his mum kicked us out due to and argument they had. We still went on holiday and had a really good time. When we got back we had to pack our stuff an leave, we went to my parents, one evening he got drunk and I then found out he was texting a women asking her to run away with him and he wants her, upset with this I told him to leave and block her. A couple of days later I find out he is still talking to her this time as a friend no xxx or anything bad. So i ended everything. A few days after that he text me to talk, so we did, we spoke about the whole relationship and got everything out in the open, they way he made me feel like nothing and how he made my self confidence go so low that I stopped going to the gym and gained loads of weight. After getting things in the open we decided to just date again, it's been a month now, we live sepratly again but sometimes I feel I put loads of effort into us, I'm always there for him, I see him when he wants and I always try to make him happy. With him I feel like he he sometimes makes effort he will text me in the morning but then sometimes he stops texting in the day, when I ask him when we are meeting up, he kinda snaps and says "I don't know, I don't plan anything" but this makes me feel really uneasy like we're always on the verge of break up, he dosnt want to label it as a relationship but tell people were together, I feel I wake up every morning with anxiety and feeling depressed in case he dosnt text me this morning or he's changed his mind about us, if he's talking to another women, I'm finding it so hard to be like this, and I don't know if it's all in my head and I'm making up scenarios or it's him. He always says things are good between us and were doing good but I'm always scared what's gonna happen, I feel I put a lot of effort in and he just don't seem to care, he's not very good and showing he loves someone, he was never brought up in a living family so I feel he finds it hard to know how to show it.

I am really stuck I don't know what to do or think, am I being silly and it's all in my head.

Do either of you work or go to school? How do you support yourselves? It sounds like you are very incompatible and he wants to be free, single and play the field. Also you keep hanging on yet you kicked him out, broke up and he told you very clearly he doesn't want a relationship, just fwb or unplanned hookups.

Focus on getting yourself financially independent, get your health, fitness and weight under control and start taking care of yourself. Stop text and chasing him. Focus on you.

Me and my partner got together 18months ago, we moved in together after 3 months. it's been a month now, we live sepratly again.

We both work, but he's had the choice to be free and single and yet he's chosen to come back sit down and try to talk things through, he tells me he loves me and if we argue he will always be the first to text or call to talk through it. Sometimes he acts like he wants to be together and somtines I get the feeling he don't.

I'm scared of not chasing him in case I'm left alone, I'm kinda scared of feeling alone

The relationship sounds awful. He lies, potentially cheats, is moody, shouts at you, makes you cry and the list goes on and on. This is not love, this is not even 'like'.

The first few months of a relationship are always nice, everyone is on good behavior and all loved up. Then the real personality emerges and that is when you decide whether you can stay with this person or not. Some parts of that real personality are not great. But that doesn't mean that they are deal breakers. However in his case...yes, they should have been deal breakers and you should have walked away immediately before it turned into a huge messy mistake that ended up ruining your confidence and making you questioning your worth. Instead, you moved in with him way too soon.

Thankfully its not too late. You haven't married him and you're not pregnant by him. Thank goodness for that because you would be tied to him forever then and trust me, he won't change.

This is not in your head. Your head is screaming at you to fix up your life and leave him. Listen to it before everything gets worse.

The short answer is that it's both of you.

Moving in with a partner after three months is an irresponsible decision on both of your parts. You hardly knew each other, let alone knew if the two of you were compatible for the long-term. Then, when money became tight, instead of saving and being accountable, you booked an incredibly long holiday and went into the hole, which lead to the even more inappropriate decision of both of you living with his mother.

Next, when the going got tough financially, you dropped out of working and left him to handle two jobs, all the while complaining about how often he paid attention to you. The typical mutually resentful situation that develops from this behavior occurred: him getting sick of the relationship and deciding to start cheating on you. The (likely) mutual verbal abuse and financial issues should have pushed you out the door, but it really should have been over when he crossed your boundaries with other women.

Yet, instead of respecting yourself and enforcing your boundaries by leaving, you opted to stay and "demand" he stop cheating. You've had some solid proof at this point of what an ineffective strategy talking about his cheating has been. You already live separately from him and have broken up at least once. Now, make the correct decision and walk away from this trainwreck for good. At this point, you are choosing to be abused and belittled by this man.

You have low self esteem and can't even enjoy your own company, alone. When you lack self-worth, you will subconsciously choose men who don't value you because that's what you think you deserve in life. You need to learn to enjoy a solo life for now. Pamper yourself. Read articles and books on improving your self esteem. Have fun with girlfriends. Start a new hobby.

It's nice to have a good companion in life, but you won't get one of those until you do the work you need on yourself first. As you can see, putting the cart before the horse has resulted in you accepting a man who cheats and calls you names. Those are dealbreakers to any woman who has self worth. You can do this. Start today. And when you are ready to date again, keep up with your girlfriends and hobbies and enjoy your solo time when you have it. You should be sharing your joy with a bf, instead of thinking in terms of somebody making you happy because you're incapable of that without him. Take care.

It sounds like you are incompatible, argue too much and he is undecided about and indifferent to you. You can stick around and see if he changes his mind or if you want to be fwb.

Sometimes he acts like he wants to be together and somtines I get the feeling he don't. I'm scared of not chasing him in case I'm left alone, I'm kinda scared of feeling alone

This is the perfect example why it is a terrible idea to move in with a stranger. You should have waited a year, then you would have known who he is.

What exactly made you think he was a good candidate to date again, after he emotionally abused and cheated on you several times? I don't understand this!

Stop making excuses for this guy. He does not love or respect you. Period. Texting and I love yous' does not make a relationship. You should ALWAYS follow actions.

End this. I would also consider counseling for your low self esteem.

We both work, but he's had the choice to be free and single and yet he's chosen to come back sit down and try to talk things through, he tells me he loves me and if we argue he will always be the first to text or call to talk through it. Sometimes he acts like he wants to be together and somtines I get the feeling he don't.

 

I'm scared of not chasing him in case I'm left alone, I'm kinda scared of feeling alone

You already are alone, and are being disrespected on top of it.

He emotionally abuses you and you're emotionally dependent on him. You're quite a team.

I think the relationship is actually over but you don't want to admit it. When a guy can't even force himself to have sex with his girlfriend, it means he has totally emotionally withdrawn from the relationship. Don't be afraid of being alone. It will give you time to reboot and find yourself. Just let this guy go. Stop letting him abuse you and stop abusing yourself.

I'm scared of not chasing him in case I'm left alone, I'm kinda scared of feeling alone

What you are actually saying is that you would prefer being miserable to being alone.

Does that make sense to you?

Hi harpja. It sounds like you have a tough decision to make and it's not going to be easy. Sometimes when we are in a relationship, it's hard to see what's going on until others bring it to our attention. Have you thought about writing down the pros and cons of staying with this person? Maybe consider how you are feeling throughout everything that has transpired. Maybe consider if being with this person has added positively to your life or negatively. Maybe think about what you want your life to look like tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, etc? Maybe consider thinking about your life and becoming stable then consider a relationship. I know it's hard to separate from someone that you have feelings for and have been with for a while. It's a tough decision to stay or go but ultimately, you will have to make that decision. Wishing you the best.