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Condolences


Scarlet2

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I don’t know what to do, what would you do?

 

There is a man that I care very deeply for even though he has been estranged with me for over a year. He cut me out of his life without a word. I still don’t know why. There wasn’t any fight or argument before it happened. The few attempts of me reaching out when it occurred resulted in silence so I’ve been no contact for the last 8 months. I was recently told that his last surviving parent has died. I want to reach out to express condolences but he’s not speaking to me and his silence has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to ever hear from me again so I don’t know what to do. Reach out or continue on like I didn’t know about the death since he didn’t reach out to tell me? I still have hope that there will be reconciliation some day but if he ever found out that I knew and didn’t reach out when I knew, there’d be a whole other mess.

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How do you know him? Is he married or living with someone? Is this a friend or lover or boyfriend? What does "platonically for an eighth of a century" mean? How did you find out about the death? There must be a reason he cut all contact.

 

He didn't want contact for a long time and unfriended and blocked you. This is not the time to intrude on him. It's a time to respect his wishes and maintain no contact. Do not use this as an excuse to contact him.

We’ve known each other platonically for about an eighth of a century but progressed, or at least I thought we did, the last couple years. I want to reach out to express condolences but he’s not speaking to me and his silence has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to ever hear from me again.
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I have to agree with the other posts. Don't contact him. I know it's hard for you and to me it seems that you still have not found closure on why he abruptly stopped talking to you. Sometimes people we care deeply about don't feel the same about us and the fact that he cut you out of his life without a word says alot about his character.

You need to move on with your life and please let go of the hope of reconciliation. Why would you want someone so heartless in your life? He couldn't even respond to you and let you know why he doesn't want you in his life.

 

You tried to reach out in the past and he responded with silence. He doesn't want to have you in his life and you need to move on. Stop trying to find out about how he is doing it is only making matters worst for you. Start a journal and write to him in that journal and hopefully that will help you find some peace.

 

Best of luck.

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I know that it hurts for someone to leave your life and not give you any kind of explanation or closure. Some people don't give closure, they just ghost and disappear and let you figure it out. He has shown you that he wants to be left alone. Close that door and let him go in your heart. Don't contact him. All you will get is further rejection from him, perhaps anger even, that you are bothering him during such a vulnerable time in his life and you will feel even worse. This is a life lesson that I learned: Don't try to hold on to people that leave your life or who hurt you repeatedly. The people that truly love and care for you will stay willingly--and will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Good luck to you.

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You had mentioned in earlier threads that this guy told you to leave him alone. Why do you persist?

 

I suggest counseling, as it seems like an obsession after a year.

 

It seems that this guy was done in 2015, not a year ago. Please seek counseling. This is really unhealthy.

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I don’t think it’s creepy. Sending a card to a friend whose parent died is very caring. Just say “you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers” and leave it at that.

He wants nothing to do with her. he has told her repeatedly to leave him alone. This was three years back, and she is still holding on. They didn't even date.

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You had mentioned in earlier threads that this guy told you to leave him alone. Why do you persist?

 

I suggest counseling, as it seems like an obsession after a year.

 

It seems that this guy was done in 2015, not a year ago. Please seek counseling. This is really unhealthy.

 

 

He has never told me to leave him alone. It all would be a whole lot easier if he had. The last thing he ever said to me was that he was going to call to finalize our plans, that doesn’t translate to leave me alone. The ghosting does, for sure.

 

I’m not going to contact him. He had texted someone we mutually know about the death and that person told me because he knew how close we were. He saw it with his own eyes, it wasn’t a fantasy. He told me saying “I thought you would want to know”. I did want to know but it also shows me that I don’t have to reach out because he didn’t inform me about it. Even if there’s a one percent chance that he told him so that it would trickle down to me, the fact still remains that he didn’t directly tell me, he chose to tell someone he rarely talks to, therefore I’m not going to say anything to him.

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I think when you truly love someone with all your heart it's hard to just forget them and let them go from your heart. You need to take it day by day and sometimes you might have good days and other times you won't. I think the person who texted you did the wrong thing telling you about the death. He would have known you guys have not spoken for years so why did he tell you? I question whether he was told to tell you the news. You can always text and ask him did X ask him to let you know about the death. If yes, then maybe the card thing is not a bad idea but if not, then don't do anything. Either way I don't think you should reach out directly via email, text or call. He doeosn't deserve that.

 

I just want to add that people throw the word therapy around very easily but you know what? Going to therapy is expensive and not everyone can afford it and also, it's actually hard finding the right therapist for you and that in itself can also be an expensive process.

 

All the best.

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There's this thing called 'snail mail' that older people use to send Christmas, birthday and sympathy cards. It allows you to convey a sentiment without direct contact or expectations of reciprocation. If you're on the fence, you can always spring for the 45 cents to send a card, although the card itself it likely to cost 5 or 7 bucks.

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This:

I don’t know what to do, what would you do?

 

There is a man that I care very deeply for even though he has been estranged with me for over a year. He cut me out of his life without a word. I still don’t know why. There wasn’t any fight or argument before it happened. The few attempts of me reaching out when it occurred resulted in silence so I’ve been no contact for the last 8 months. I was recently told that his last surviving parent has died. I want to reach out to express condolences but he’s not speaking to me and his silence has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to ever hear from me again so I don’t know what to do. Reach out or continue on like I didn’t know about the death since he didn’t reach out to tell me? I still have hope that there will be reconciliation some day but if he ever found out that I knew and didn’t reach out when I knew, there’d be a whole other mess.

Why would you still have hope that there will be reconciliation some day? I'm sorry to say, but you are in deep denial and if you're not then you'd be very foolish to reconcile with someone that "cut you out of his life without a word" and has ghosted you for over a year.

Please do yourself a favor and take the hint. Zero contact no matter what the excuse you give yourself to do so.

 

After all this time, you should forsake your hope and instead strive for acceptance that it's over and that you reach the blissful stage of indifference to him. Tell your friends that you don't want to know anything further about him because it just keeps you stagnated in thoughts of him and (futile) hope.

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Yes, even if he after more than a year of not talking to you came back to reconcile (it's likely not going to happen though), why would you want to get back together with someone that ghosted you and totally moved on and remained silent for so long? That ship has sailed. You need to take the necessary steps to accept it.

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