Is this unreasonable?

I'll try nutshell this.

Met an amazing girl, same age 37. Both with ex wife/husband and kids. Long distance at the moment. 3 months in, see each other every 2 weeks, extended weekends, and holidays. Lots of lots of messaging. Things are great. Common interests. Goals, personality. Its been unbelievable for us both. we are really really into each other on all levels. We work well as a team.

First kink in the road.

So not long before me, she was friends with benefits with a guy. Said she had a good connection with him.

Anyway, she mentioned this guy had messaged her and asked her out to lunch. I asked her what she said. She said she declined. She then asked how I'd feel about it if she were to go one day. I ummed and ahhd a fair bit. I'll be honest, it didnt sit well with me, but I didnt want to jump the gun. I managed to evade an actual answer, but gave the impression I wasnt overly stoked about the idea.

Over the next couple of days I processed it, and when I saw her next, I told her look, i'm really sorry, i'm really not comfortable with you hanging out with this guy. You have a sexual history. Its not that I dont trust you. Im just not sure what he has that I dont? Either way, it would make me uncomfortable if you did. But of course yu are free to do as you like, I'm just letting you know how I feel".

She was good about it. She said it wasnt always sex, sometimes they went and watched a movie, or just had lunch. But said its no biggy, she doesnt need to see him.

Fast forward 1 week, and one of my exs contact me. Granted, she was in my bad books, but I would of probably handled any attempt of an ex interacting with me the same.

I simply said " yeah, I'm good. Actually, I have met someone, and out of respect for them, its no longer appropriate that we talk any more". When she tried to reply, I blocked her. Told my girlfriend, she was cool about it.

Fast forward another week, and old mate has asked her out for sushi. She has shut it down. And she sends me a screenshot of the conversation.

Guy : Hew whats up? I'm in town son, wanna catch up for sushi?

Her : Um yeah my boyfriends not real keen on me catching up with you lol

Guy : oh okay, fair enough

Her : Yeah I told him we were just friends, but he's not comfortable with it, so neither am I. Super sorry, sucks a bit, but it is how it is

Now is it just me, or did I just get thrown under the bus a bit. Within seconds of reading that, this is what I got....

I sound like a jealous/overprotective partner, which Im certainly not

She made it sound like its not her decision, that she's just doing what I said coz she has too.

That she doesnt want to burn bridges with old mate

Or am I overthinking it? Considering how I dismissed my ex, I wasnt as stoked as she thought Id be.

Wouldnt saying this be saying the same thing, in a better way?

" hey guy, things are going great with my boyfriend, he's really into me, I'm really into him too. He's not keen on us catching up as we have a sexual history, and i get that. So I'm going to have to decline, sorry."

I'm not sure If I just read to much into it. She did what she thought was the right thing, bit critical of me to be criticising the way she did it. Dunno, its bugging me though.

I can see why you might be a little bit offended but just let it go.

If I were her I wouldn't have forwarded that exchange to you.

She was trying to be gentle with her ex, let him save face. SHE was not rejecting him, so it would hopefully hurt him less.

If I were your ex, I would be extremely hurt by the way you simply blocked me. Your new woman handled it a different way. Maybe it's not your way, but just let it go. Be happy with the result.

Yeah, you know, she did what you wanted and you're still not happy. Sure, she used you as an excuse not to see her male friend, but you did tell her you're not comfortable with her talking to other guys, and that did shut this other guy down immediately. Sometimes you do have to be blunt to make a guy go away.

So the question you're asking is whether you sound like a jealous, overprotective partner? Well ... sort of. That's the way she chose to present you and she is holding true to her word. I've seen girls in college use this same tactic. Some guy is hitting on them and they'll tell them, my boyfriend is very jealous and if he sees me talking with another guy, he'll kill both you and me. And meanwhile, the boyfriend is actually the nicest guy in the world. But it gets rid of the guy. And she showed you the proof.

Anyways, this is not the time to be worried about how diplomatic she is with ex-boyfriends. I'm more worried about whether you two are actually going to make this a real relationship or whether this is going to continue to be a twice a month fling. Because if you guys can't permanently be together, interest is going to wane, and she's not going to tell you when an old boyfriend rings her up and takes her out.

So you should be worried about the future of your relationship and not how diplomatic she is with shutting down old boyfriends.

I dont think she did anything wrong, and I think you're being unreasonable. Although, the majority of my concern is over the fact that after just three months, shes telling you when her friends are texting her if they're male, sending you proof, and you're continuing the situation into an argument. Why are you involved in any of this??

I have male friends. I have ex boyfriends. If they call me or text me and I feel like it's appropriate to speak with them, I do. If I feel its inappropriate, I tell them so and that's the end of it. Because I'm an adult, and I can handle my own social life. My husband doesn't need to do that for me, nor do i need his permission or approval on how i handle my social life.

All you are doing is communicating to your girlfriend that you dont think shes capable of handling situations appropriately on her own. Shes an adult. Let her handle herself.

Being honest that you aren't comfortable with her hanging out with her ex fwb, but leaving it up to her to see him or not - all good and well.

Getting upset and trying to control how the message was communicated to the guy - totally controlling behavior on your part, completely unreasonable and out of line.

Stop while you are ahead dude. She already showed you that she cares more about you and how you feel than this other guy. Don't start dictating how she should word it.

I think you're overthinking it. It seems that woman are brought up to not be straight forward (as you were with your ex) and to to handle a man's ego with kid gloves... so she let him down the easiest way she knew how without bruising his ego.

The bottom line is, she turned him down. Let it go.

First kink in the road.

 

So not long before me, she was friends with benefits with a guy. Said she had a good connection with him.

 

Anyway, she mentioned this guy had messaged her and asked her out to lunch. I asked her what she said. She said she declined. She then asked how I'd feel about it if she were to go one day. I ummed and ahhd a fair bit. I'll be honest, it didnt sit well with me, but I didnt want to jump the gun. I managed to evade an actual answer, but gave the impression I wasnt overly stoked about the idea.

 

Over the next couple of days I processed it, and when I saw her next, I told her look, i'm really sorry, i'm really not comfortable with you hanging out with this guy. You have a sexual history. Its not that I dont trust you. Im just not sure what he has that I dont? Either way, it would make me uncomfortable if you did. But of course yu are free to do as you like, I'm just letting you know how I feel".

 

She was good about it. She said it wasnt always sex, sometimes they went and watched a movie, or just had lunch. But said its no biggy, she doesnt need to see him.

 

Fast forward 1 week, and one of my exs contact me. Granted, she was in my bad books, but I would of probably handled any attempt of an ex interacting with me the same.

I simply said " yeah, I'm good. Actually, I have met someone, and out of respect for them, its no longer appropriate that we talk any more". When she tried to reply, I blocked her. Told my girlfriend, she was cool about it.

Fast forward another week, and old mate has asked her out for sushi. She has shut it down. And she sends me a screenshot of the conversation.

 

Guy : Hew whats up? I'm in town son, wanna catch up for sushi?

Her : Um yeah my boyfriends not real keen on me catching up with you lol

Guy : oh okay, fair enough

Her : Yeah I told him we were just friends, but he's not comfortable with it, so neither am I. Super sorry, sucks a bit, but it is how it is

Now is it just me, or did I just get thrown under the bus a bit.

I don't know if you got "thrown under the bus," but the way she responded to his invite, was her keeping him in her back pocket, inadvertently letting him know, that if you had not been bothered by it, she would have loved to meet him!

That the only reason she did not accept was because YOU did not want her to. Again, the message (to him) being, she's interested but her boyfriend won't allow her to. NOT cool on her part, imo.

And her last sentence, "I know it sucks a bit." What is that?

The way you responded to your ex was the appropriate way for a person in an exclusive committed RL to respond, it's the way I respond when I get asked out by men (different wording) or if I were ever contacted by an ex.

I would not even mention it to my boyfriend, there would be no reason to, other than to provoke jealousy. I shut it down immediately, and I don't blame it on my boyfriend. I own it!

That's my take, and if my bf ever responded that way to an ex's invite, I would not be happy about it.

Now this is just me, but I frequent another forum from time to time and recently a male poster sent me a PM, wanting to strike up a communique with me. I didn’t even feel comfortable with that!

I told him that I have a boyfriend and wasn’t comfortable with us chatting off the board (I didn't tell him this, but I know from experience where this could lead). I never even mentioned to my boyfriend.

Same when I was out with my friends one night (I rarely go to bars with my friends anymore, but did a couple of weeks ago after work). Guy asked for my number, wanting to take me out; I told him same thing, again did not mention to my boyfriend.

No reason to.

Your gf's only saving grace imo was when she said “my bf isn’t comfortable with it, so neither am I.” That was pretty cool, so maybe cut her some slack and let it go.

I don't know if you got "thrown under the bus," but the way she responded to his invite, was her keeping him in her back pocket, inadvertently letting him know, that if you had not been bothered by it, she would have loved to meet him!

 

That the only reason she did not accept was because YOU did not want her to. Again, the message (to him) being, she's interested but her boyfriend won't allow her to. NOT cool on her part, imo.

 

And her last sentence, "I know it sucks a bit." What is that?

 

The way you responded to your ex was the appropriate way for a person in an exclusive committed RL to respond, it's the way I respond when I get asked out by men (different wording) or if I were ever contacted by an ex.

 

I would not even mention it to my boyfriend, there would be no reason to, other than to provoke jealousy. I shut it down immediately, and I don't blame it on my boyfriend. I own it!

 

That's my take, and if my bf ever responded that way to an ex's invite, I would not be happy about it.

I totally agree with you.

sucks a bit, but it is how it is WTH is this? She is absolutely keeping the door open with this guy for future contact

Okay thanks for the replies. Totally take on board the comments. I'm glad a couple of people could at least kinda see where I was coming from, but the consensus is to let it go, and i will. She is an amazing woman, and it is a small thing to turn into a drama on my part.

I don't know if you got "thrown under the bus," but the way she responded to his invite, was her keeping him in her back pocket, inadvertently letting him know, that if you had not been bothered by it, she would have loved to meet him!

 

That the only reason she did not accept was because YOU did not want her to. Again, the message (to him) being, she's interested but her boyfriend won't allow her to. NOT cool on her part, imo.

 

And her last sentence, "I know it sucks a bit." What is that?

 

The way you responded to your ex was the appropriate way for a person in an exclusive committed RL to respond, it's the way I respond when I get asked out by men (different wording) or if I were ever contacted by an ex.

 

I would not even mention it to my boyfriend, there would be no reason to, other than to provoke jealousy. I shut it down immediately, and I don't blame it on my boyfriend. I own it!

 

That's my take, and if my bf ever responded that way to an ex's invite, I would not be happy about it.

Yeah these were kind of my line of thought. I appreciate that she did it, I said thanks first and foremost.

But yeah " He's not really keen on us catching up lol" translates to me as " My boyfriend see/s you as a threat/is insecure, laughing out loud at him".

And "Super sorry, It does suck a bit, but it is what it is.." translates to " I'm so sorry we couldnt catch up, I think it sucks too as I would have liked too, oh well".

Those are the 2 that stuck with me, but like I said, Im aware sometimes I overthink stuff to much.

I'm not going to mention it again to her.

I'd view someone raising their fwb still being in the picture as baiting me in the first place. My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with any 'kind' of ex, in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. You're learning why.

Either someone has the mature discretion to handle their old business privately and completely, or not. If not, they're free to let me know if they're ever free and clear and invested in the kind of relationship I want to have. Baiting games are not that.