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Thread: Need a life and relationship advice - a couple of 30yo

  1. #11
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    The last 11 months were also full of good moments – we travelled a lot, had tons of different sport activities and we both truly enjoyed it. We run our household perfectly and managed to find an equilibrium when it comes to splitting chores, although in the moment of anger she still repeated that I do not help her with her household chores, which deeply hurt me knowing how much I did.

    I agree that she changed her whole life to live with me and I thanked her for that. But I also did my best to make her adaptation process as smooth as possible – I introduced her to almost all my friends, found a beautiful apartment in the best neighbourhood that she absolutely loves, I helped her with all new things that are associated with living in a new country – I wish someone helped me to such extent when I left Poland at the age of 21. I was alone, broke and barely spoke the language, while she did not experience any headwinds of that kind.

    My big complaint against her is that she does not listen to me during our conversations, yet she still expects me to talk a lot with her and explain my plans and expectations about our relationship and our family life in the future. She wants to feel prepared and it makes sense to me, but the problem is that I keep repeating the same statements and she does not listen. She still has the same fears that I will abandon her with kids, cheat on her, etc. It’s not uncommon for me to get accused of things I didn’t do only because she did not listen to what I already explained.

    I love her and having lived together for the last year made me realize that we could be a great couple if she stopped accusing, badmouthing and start listening to me. I kept saying that for the last half a year, but nothing has changed. She still tries to spy on my phone and overtly says that she doesn’t trust me, while I never cheated on her and did not have the intention to do so. Otherwise I could really say that I like her and feel attracted to her despite her pessimistic nature.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    So....you've turned yourself inside out to please her.....and....nothing. She is still the same person. So at what point do you accept the reality that she isn't the right partner for you? Quit being a martyr....it isn't working. However, if you like this misery, then quit complaining about it. Choose your path. You either put up with her sh$t and pretend to be happy or you find some confidence to look for a better match. One or the other or as they say, sh$t or get off the pot.

  3. #13
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    Like and feel attracted, balanced against the other stuff to me doesn't seem like a stable relationship.

    My perspective/context- when my husband and I got back together about 8 years later (dated seriously in the past/engaged) we knew from the day we got back together that if we became serious/marriage potential I most likely would have to relocate for his job -for the first time in my life. Away from a major city where I'd lived 40 years, away from our families to a smaller city hundreds of miles away (or elsewhere) . I accepted that, I owned that -but he also knew I would adjust and that I would be proactive about meeting people. When I moved after one year of a commuter marriage (since I was pregnant) it was hard - new parents/newlywed/me home full time. And over the last 10 years it's been harder for me than I thought to maintain my friendships from back home and to make new friends. No matter that you pulled out all the stops she's only in her 20s and there's a language barrier and unfortunately she may not have thought this through. plus she is with someone who claims to be an introvert but a lot of what you complain about is more typical of an extrovert -you want to be out there socializing, etc.

    So as far as the listening understand that it's difficult for her to do that because she feels disoriented/unmoored and she hears your words but she senses you really don't want to be there -so she filters it through that.

    The "if she stopped accusing me/badmouthing" is a biggie. She doesn't trust you. Without trust what do you have? Is there a counselor you can speak to where you can express that you do not feel listened to? What happens when you tell her gently "yes, you mentioned this and I thought we'd discussed this -is there something new you'd like to add?"

  4. #14
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    I slowly realize that what you write here is true, i.e. it makes no more sense to stay together. There is zero understanding between each other in fundamentals, our views on marriage, career versus raising kids are even more divergent than before.

    I also talked with her mom last weekend and she confirmed all the biases that my girlfriend had. In her view she is too smart to stay at home with children and I should not limit her potential, even though raising kids was my girlfriend’s preferred choice half a year ago. It seems that she changed her mind under the influence of her mother and her feminist friend. I told her mother that if this is the case then the only viable option is to leave and she agreed with me, so hopefully she will pass that message to my girlfriend.

    During that conversation I heard again that I am not a trustworthy person and that my girlfriend sacrificed her previous life in the name of love for me. The fact that I greatly helped her establishing her new life in a new country and made several sacrifices too went unnoticed.

    I felt embarrassed talking about her daughter’s flaws of character and explaining my side of the story that she was completely unaware of (sic!). After 45 minutes of talking I made a realization that they have a very similar character and they hold a conversation in a similar manner, which means that only their view matters and I have no right to have a different opinion. Right now I feel relieved because I did my best to express my views and they cannot accuse me of not making enough effort to save this relationship.

    The "if she stopped accusing me/badmouthing" is a biggie. She doesn't trust you. Without trust what do you have? Is there a counselor you can speak to where you can express that you do not feel listened to? What happens when you tell her gently "yes, you mentioned this and I thought we'd discussed this -is there something new you'd like to add?"
    Good point - I kept telling her that and I always heard that we did not discuss it thoroughly enough. On top of that her conclusions were always different from what I told her, which brought a lot of misunderstandings.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why do end-runs around the gf and talk to her mother? Tell your gf yourself that you have different goals and end it.
    Originally Posted by Boxmeer55
    I told her mother that if this is the case then the only viable option is to leave and she agreed with me, so hopefully she will pass that message to my girlfriend.

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