break up, rebound and then getting back together

Just wanted to know if anyone has any advice regarding my situation as I massively struggling. My boyfriend of year and a 4 months broke up with me with little reason aside from it getting too serious too quickly , i guess he was afraid of the commitment of me.

I was beside myself at the end of the relationship but determined to remain in control and dignified. I spent around 4 months with no contact from him and then entered into a casual fling with another person who made me forget about my situation and how i felt but only temporarily. This 'rebound' situation did get too involved, we went on dates and sleep together, whilst I was receiving messages from my ex saying that he missed me.

At this point I was angry more than anything that it took my ex to see me try and move on before he tried to get me back. During this time I never felt involved with the 'rebound' person I felt very detached and unhappy and found myself constantly thinking about my ex.

I cut things off with the 'rebound' person admittedly I let it carry on for too long I was just so focused on trying to prove that I was strong and didn't need my ex. But it was so far from how I actually felt and I just can't understand how I went through with it now looking back

I got back in contact with my ex and he found out about what had happened and it has destroyed him. He tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me but he cannot let it go and understand that it really was a terrible mistake. But a mistake that I made as a result of his decision. He doesn't believe anything I say anymore and we argue about it a lot. I really want to be with him and desperately clinging on to hope that eventually it will get easier and he will accept it but it's hard to see at the minute.

Has anyone had a similar situation or any advice?

He broke up with you so it's not his business that you were with another person nor is his place to say that it was a mistake. Yes I disagree with rebound relationships because they often turn messy and confusing, but I don't think he has any place in judging you or feeling destroyed. He made his choice and he doesn't have the right of breaking up and then waiting that the other person sits there eagerly waiting for him to come back when he decides so.

He makes me feel like the monster in the situation but I did what I did because of him. I just wonder if a person can cling on to the hate of a situation , or if he will learn to live with it . We both want to be together but he's really putting strain on it and I don't want to reach breaking point

I think it's very immature and manipulative of him to guilt trip you. You weren't together anymore, it's none of his business. He didn't want to commit at first and now is trying to deflect his responsibility by guilt tripping you to make himself feel better. He dumped you, therefore he has nothing to accuse you of. You didn't cheat on him, you weren't in a relationship with him and you were on a no contact period. Please don't fall for his bullsh*t. Not acceptable behaviour of him and this would make me seriously doubt if this is the person I want to be in a relationship with.

Don't be surprised if you come back to him and he uses this against you for the years to come every time he wants a break from the commitment of the relationship and pretend he's a martyr. Don't let him punish you for something he has no place or business in.

So basically he is telling you that he broke up with you and you were supposed to sit around and pine for him until he decided that he might want to try again. You were not supposed to have a life, try new things, really do anything. You were supposed to sit at home and wait for him to change his mind. This is selfish, immature and manipulative. If he really wanted to be with you he wouldn't care about your other relationship, he would be begging you to come back and he would be treating you well. He is being nasty and it will turn abusive. Are you really sure you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? He dumped you and now, if you get into a new relationship, all ills and problems will be your fault.

I didn't mention that he came to my house when I said I was starting to talk to someone else begging for me and I still perused the rebound so I know I am in the wrong . At that point I was just so confused and clearly got carried away. I really do see it as a mistake ?

When we are together things are really good and I can't see myself with anyone else anymore because thinking about the 'rebound' makes me feel sick. I feel like we do have the potential to fix our relationship if he's willing. He gets bitter and horrible to me when situations remind him of it and his thoughts run away with him because he clearly is very very jealous that I did chose the rebound over him.

He gets carried away has a go at me but then apologises profusely I understand why he feels how he feels but it is a very selfish way to deal with things because its really putting strain on me, making me paranoid and emotional to a point that I find difficult to shake. I don't really know how much longer I can take it before it really breaks me and I really don't want that to happen

He is too immature for a proper relationship, OP. You need to move on from him.

First, he breaks up because it's getting too serious. What you do after that it none of his business. You were free to date whomever you wanted; that's what happens when a relationship ends.

Second, he learns you were seeing someone and has the arrogance to claim you hurt him. Please.

This is all about his ego, not love for you. He didn't come back for the right reasons and now has the stones to punish you? I would honestly tell him to kick rocks. He is trying to manipulate you, and it's working. This won't end well, because he's more concerned about his pride than he is about you as a person.

He will continue to have a go at you because it gives him the opportunity to berate you which he apparently enjoys.

Do you want a lifetime of him having a go at you? If you get back together he will use this against you forever since he seems to like it.

Is there any way I can deal with this situation or a chance that he will be able to just live with it and learn he can't continue to treat me in this way. I want to be able to see that we can reach a point of being together because that's the only thing I want but I worry for my welfare and self esteem

You've been teaching him that he can "have a go" at you and you'll accept it and return when he apologizes. I bet you even tell him you love him and you're sorry!

Zero motivation for him to stop "having a go" at you.

You can tell him to knock it off. See if he listens.

How do I reassure him that I want to be with him and the rebound situation really did me nothing to me ?

You’re missing the point, OP.

You shouldn’t even need to be reassuring him like this. If anything, it should be the other way around - that he missed you, that he loves you and that HE made a bad decision letting you go the first time.

His tantrums about you dating someone else say a lot about him, and it’s not good. This guy doesn’t value and respect you the way he should, and it’s not because you had a rebound.

Why is he acting the way he his, if he's saying that he's never loved anyone like he has me and doesn't want anyone else ? etc . etc. ??

What did he mean by "seriously too quickly"? Were you talking about future, moving in, marriage etc? What were all the arguments and conflicts about?

If he dumped you, you can sleep with the whole world, none of his business. You should never discuss or confess that when it's unnecessary. He sounds like a possessive jerk. Stay no contact, reflect on all this and if you want someone who tosses you like trash until he realizes you have someone else.

My boyfriend of year and a 4 months broke up with me with little reason aside from it getting too serious too quickly.

Why is he acting the way he his, if he's saying that he's never loved anyone like he has me and doesn't want anyone else ? etc . etc. ??

Because this what manipulative people do, OP.

If he was that madly in love with you, he wouldn't have dumped you to begin with. And he sure wouldn't be shaming you and punishing you now. You don't seem to have an understanding of what healthy love is.

Is he your first boyfriend, by chance? How old are you both?

Uh, not trying to judge, but I have a bigger problem with you manipulating and using the rebound. Don't do it anymore. If you've ever been a rebound you won't do it because it can tear the other person to shreds too. I would take a step back and figure out exactly what you want as you didn't fix anything from the previous relationship to begin with. What were the issues besides his manipulation?

You wanted someone back, so you moved on to another person... that's manipulation and it in no way shape or form is generally healthy either. What were the issues that caused the breakup? If the only reason was it got too seriously too quickly... a year and 4 months in that's BS. My guess is he was interested in someone else and it didn't work out.