How should I open to my friend about my issues with codependency?

Hello everyone, thank you for taking your time to read my post.

For the last 2 years, I completely isolated myself after my last relationship, I just focused on me. I dug myself out of debt, and revived my GPA in college. Going from a near drop out, to a competitive grad school candidate. I had VERY little social interaction in those last 2 years, outside of seeing classmates during class I completely kept to myself. During this period, I had a lot of confidence in my ability to excel and succeed, and didn't doubt myself at every turn. I even got myself into a fairly competitive internship.

Thinking I was in a better state, I thought I had my issues sorted out (depression, anxiety) and I wanted to be social again, and if I start dating again, awesome! But shortly after allowing myself to be more sociable, hanging out with new friends I notice a pattern coming up again.

One of my co-workers and I hit it off fairly well. Turns out we were in a few classes together the last couple semesters and didn't realize we both got into the internship. About a month to a month and a half ago, she broke up with her boyfriend, and was in a very confused/depressed state. Something in me just clicked, "gotta make her feel better", "gotta go out of my way to do this, do that". We were getting along very well, and hung out every now and then, but I just couldn't control my urge to take care of her, and help her feel better. When we weren't hanging out, I would feel a ridiculous amount of anxiety, to the point where I completely doubted myself at every turn with EVERYTHING I did. Almost as if the last 2 years of showing myself how capable I was meant absolutely nothing.

I started to look back at my past friendships, relationships, interactions with people and I saw this pattern over and over and over again. Where I would exhaust myself to "be a good friend", then resent myself for being "not good enough". I know I am a good friend, and I know I am good enough, but whenever we are not hanging out I start thinking otherwise. Back then I didn't have much to lose, and gave in to my anxiety and depression. I didn't think I deserved to have friends, a relationship, or people being nice to me. I remember when I was a teenager, someone thought I was being picked on, and stood up for me. I teared up, they thought I was crying because I was being picked on, but the reality was, it was because they stood up for me and showed that they cared.

I'm 27 now and its been over a decade since that incident. For more than half my life, I had always thought I was never good enough, didn't deserve friends, or deserve to be loved. But, I do and I know better.

I don't want to be alone anyone, and I don't want to isolate myself from the rest of the world again just to get by. The last time I went full internal, I cut off a lot of friendships. I am building new friendships now, and I don't want this reoccurring nightmare to destroy those too.

I am seeking professional help for this. I went to my school counseling center the morning after I realized this was more than just me feeling anxious about a girl. I also signed up for group therapy as well, hopefully starting next week and my individual counselor the week following.

I want to talk to my friend about this, but I don't want it to come across as some clingy thing. On the surface, it may seem trivial or just me being whiny about being alone or have no friends, I don't want it to come across this way.

My friend has a background in psychology, and has had experience with depression, and anxiety herself. We've shared a lot with each other about our own struggles, I did not share this when we had our talks before because I didn't know it was an issue.

Codependency has been destroying my social life, I want it to stop and build friendships. How should I open up to my friend about my issues and struggles with codependency?

Congrats in all of your accomplishments! Amazing!

It is good that you have recognized your problem and are addressing it straight on. When do you have the appointment? I think initially it may be best to share with your group and doctor, as they will know the best way to address this.

Super glad you have the insight to know what's happening and to get treatment. I agree with Hollyj. I'd suggest discus it with your therapist rather than this friend at this time. You don't need to tell the friend as it may make things awkward for you or her or both. Continue to work on this privately with trusted couselors. If you want to discuss it with a peer, there are free groups like CODA where you can work through twelve step programs with others who feel just like you do. I think that would be a more productive and safe place for you to continue your healing journey.

Thank you guys for taking the time to read that rant. I looked up meetings for CoDA in my area, and will reach out to the organizers in the morning. I want to be able to talk to my friend because I don't want to think I can take on the world alone anymore. I'll definitely raise this question whenever I meet with a professional.

All the best to you!

I want to be able to talk to my friend because I don't want to think I can take on the world alone anymore. I'll definitely raise this question whenever I meet with a professional.

Part of overcoming codependency is to build a number of friendships to diffuse your focus on one person.

Another part is to learn 'balance' between the extremes of total isolation versus using friends as therapeutic devices. Instead, learn more about your friends and respect their limits. Adults form different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. Expecting one other person to be your 'everything' is messy kid stuff and puts too much of a burden on any given friend.

You've hired a professional, you're exploring therapeutic group work, and you're looking into CODA. Those are smart moves. Consider treading lightly with the friend as you build more friendships. Cultivate the friendship over time and avoid 'dumping' or pulling off major confessions at this time. You'll thank yourself later.

Head high, you're doing great.

Thank you for that bit of advice. I am definitely trying to learn that "balance". I need to understand the difference of having friends there for support vs taking advantage of them. I suppose it's more important to work on this and let the results show themselves hopefully.