"Of course I want you, it just feels wrong"

I'm going to try and keep this short but there's a lot to get through here.

My ex of 4 years treated me terribly during our break up. It was just after I'd came out of surgery, and when she came to visit, it didn't feel like she cared one bit. (She actually started crying about forgetting she had a shift that night) And when she left we started fighting over text.

Now I've had my ups and downs but I've been a thoughtful, caring and loving boyfriend and supported her through countless mental health episodes (easily over a hundred), came with her to assist her therapy, our history includes me saving her life and this year I got her into my university after she failed her A Levels (if you're American it's like failing your last year of highschool)

This is the same girl that told me I was perfect for her...and a few months earlier said "I'm scared of the day you realise you don't need me".

I suggested a break to cool off, I hoped we'd reconcile and apologise and continue where we left off. I was expecting an apology after how awfully she treated me after my surgery. She kicked me while I was down.

But she didn't talk to me...and "had nothing to say"...she moved on to a guy(who is nothing like me) she met in University

We got back in touch and talked things through over a week...we talked ALOT. Tears were shed by both of us and she said she felt I didn't love her anymore. (I felt the same way about her for ages) We talked it out, I told her this wasn't the case and was really sweet and kind.

I got her a little thoughtful present, and made a hard drive of all her favourite films for us to watch. Because I knew talking things through emotionally would suck and wanted to sweeten the deal I guess.

She wanted to keep me as her best friend, and despite how broken hearted and devastated I was (breaking down and crying in a ball devestated), I agreed. This lasted two weeks. One night, she was stroking my hair and cuddling me, and we almost had sex. I made no advances at all, I'm a good man who can respect the fact she's in a relationship with someone else. It was all on her.

She stopped though (after she got her rocks off) and said we shouldn't do it again for a while.

And ever since, being around her just made me feel awful and weird. It was tearing me apart knowing I'd given so much time and energy and love into someone (and still was) while knowing she was with somebody else.

So I told her I had to vanish for a while, I explained exactly why and my feelings and asked her not to contact me unless she wanted to reciprocate or it was an emergency. (It's been 20 days since we last spoke) I told her I loved her and left. She started crying a little but she didn't stop me. I think she understood.

"You're my best friend, but just because we're sexually compatible doesn't mean we're right romantically"

She's said "it won't last" with this new guy. She thinks she will come back to me because "she always does". (She said we needed a break earlier this year but she came back...after sleeping with somebody else...she only recently told me this).

She treated me so poorly though, I was a great boyfriend. I had a couple issues, sure, but I was freaking great. And she was crazy. Yet I still miss her.

I can't shake this uneasy feeling she's going to come back but purely to get something out of me. I don't think she's loved me for who I am for a while. I have this constant feeling of anticipation in my gut.

We've always been close and spoken almost daily for almost 5 years. I'm only 20 so this is really weird to me.

I'm just asking for anybody else's thoughts and support now. From your own personal experience, what do you think might happen?

She frequently said she wanted nobody else and a future with me, but she has clearly changed her mind on that. (She felt I didn't love her so she "forced herself out of love" with me)

I know I'm doing the right thing for me, but it just feels weird. Especially since I'm not used to putting myself first like this regarding her. I was her emotional crutch for years.

Do you think she will want to reconcile? Could it be out of genuine love? How long could that be until she does?

I just want to talk about it really.

I understand it's a long story, thanks for listening.

Well, for your sake, I hope she never contacts you again so that you can finally get to the stage of indifference to her... first you're going to have to accept its over though and in the meantime, I think you should google "White Knight Syndrome" so that you don't take on other women's problems as your own to try and fix. You need to be in a good space so that you quickly leave someone who needs fixing instead of doing this:

I was her emotional crutch for years.

You're young and it's hard to rehab from the addiction of being someone's caretaker (the dysfunctional and codependent opposite of *caregiver*) but with zero contact and educating yourself on what is and what isn't a healthy relationship (refer to white knight syndrome) you're going to be just fine in time.

I think you two had a very dysfunctional relationship, and it needs to end for good.

You describe yourself as her emotional crutch, which isn't healthy. You say she's had over 100 mental health episodes (what type of mental illness does she have?), which is obviously not healthy for her but it explains a lot of the current hot and cold. She had taken breaks in the past to have sex with someone else. Now she's with someone else and essentially cheating on him with you.

All of this and you're only 20 years old. My friend, this isn't love. Not anymore. This is toxic, for you and for her. You're so young, so I get that you don't really have anything to compare this to, but these types of relationships have almost zero chance of lasting. Neither of you really seems to have a healthy sense of self, or love, so you have engaged in this awful dynamic that hurts you more than anything. She is far too young, immature and inexperienced to have ever promised you that she would come back someday.

What I think will happen is that she will continue to distance herself from you, and you will start to realize that you are so much better off without this chaos. You don't realize it yet, but this relationship ran its course a long time ago.

This was not healthy. At all.

You need to block this woman.

I've seen it before. To be totally honest, I didn't like that part of our relationship. I kept doing it in the hopes I wouldn't have to. I'd tell myself "when she is better this will be worth it".

I'd also feel a responsibility. She'd frequently tell me how I was the only one she could talk to etc, but then insist on me not feeling responsible. It was back and forth. And this described our relationship too. We broke up once, when I went to university I wanted space and didn't want to be a caregiver. I wanted to explore. But I came back to her.

Then she wanted to split twice this year.

Thanks for the reassurance. The highs in our relationship were amazing, it wasn't all misery. But man, this really killed me for a long time.

I appreciate the support. From everyone. Thanks for your time.

She was eventually prescribed antidepressants. But she stopped taking them. She thinks she is bi polar and autistic. Honestly, she just cried and broke down for a long time. Those episodes became much less frequent this year but she still has them.

Well, for your sake, I hope she never contacts you again so that you can finally get to the stage of indifference to her... first you're going to have to accept its over though and in the meantime, I think you should google "White Knight Syndrome" so that you don't take on other women's problems as your own to try and fix. You need to be in a good space so that you quickly leave someone who needs fixing instead of doing this:

 

 

You're young and it's hard to rehab from the addiction of being someone's caretaker (the dysfunctional and codependent opposite of *caregiver*) but with zero contact and educating yourself on what is and what isn't a healthy relationship (refer to white knight syndrome) you're going to be just fine in time.[/QU

 

My previous post was meant as a reply. Sorry I've never posted here before. I'm quite new to this.

Apologies for screwing up my quotes. I kept hitting "quick reply" instead of "reply with quote".

My bad.

She was eventually prescribed antidepressants. But she stopped taking them. She thinks she is bi polar and autistic. Honestly, she just cried and broke down for a long time. Those episodes became much less frequent this year but she still has them.

What was her actual diagnosis?

In any event, you are eventually going to feel much better that this is over. This was no way for you to live, either, and a happier and healthier relationship is out there waiting for you somewhere.

My previous post was meant as a reply. Sorry I've never posted here before. I'm quite new to this.

Did you google and read "White Knight Syndrome" Sean? I wouldn't want you to keep finding women like her attractive so do everything you can to stop having a need to fix and caretake.

What was her actual diagnosis?

 

In any event, you are eventually going to feel much better that this is over. This was no way for you to live, either, and a happier and healthier relationship is out there waiting for you somewhere.

Depression...but like I said it's sketchy. I attended a few of her sessions with her councillor and the professional told me that it was "beautiful" how I knew her head so well.

The only official diagnosis is depression and even then she just has a victim mentality. When she left me and treated me like after I came out of hospital, I was still the bad guy. Etc etc.

Did you google and read "White Knight Syndrome" Sean? I wouldn't want you to keep finding women like her attractive so do everything you can to stop having a need to fix and caretake.

I did Google it yeah. I don't find vulnerableness attractive, I'll admit it made me feel special but it was a huge turn off. Being her support actually drained me. She was at her worst while I was doing my finals in highschool. She was her most attractive when she was happy and thoughtful and lovely. (Which she could be) I don't think I have white knight syndrome, I'm just a good person lol. What I wanted was her early promises of love and affection.

Since we dated from such a young age she'd promise so many grand things for our future, and I stayed with her through all of her mental troubles and supported her because I wanted that good future. You know? It would stress me the hell out and she tried to kill herself at one point. (I stopped the attempt and saved her life.)...this was during my final year of highschool..I was only 18.

It's not a quality I look for, and I didn't enjoy being that support. I did it out of a huge feeling of responsibility and because...I'm a good person. And loved her very very much.

It eventually frustrated me because all I wanted was her to reciprocate the same thought and care I put into the relationship. I started feeling used as a support and fit amazing sex. (She tells me nobody is as good as me etc etc)Every christmas and birthday and valentine's Day I was thoughtful and made her smile. But she eventually stopped trying as much I guess.

My point anyway, is that I actually really didn't like that dynamic in our relationship. And wanted nothing more for her to be confident and happy and healthy. It's why I got her into uni. It's why I was her support. I did it because I wanted to not have to in the future.

Sorry if that's confusing.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you tried but there way too many problems. Once the dust settles you can start dating women who are much more compatible than this. This was beyond working on things and went into the constant struggle category.

I actually really didn't like that dynamic in our relationship.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you tried but there way too many problems. Once the dust settles you can start dating women who are much more compatible than this. This was beyond working on things and went into the constant struggle category.

To be honest we both knew something felt off in the relationship but we'd jump to sex before actually sitting down and talking about it. I'd tried but she'd misinterpret me.

Like I said before, she felt like I didn't love her even though I got her a super romantic and thoughtful Christmas present, we went on holiday together, I got her into university and I let her use my student flat like her own.

She must have let her emotions dellude her. Because I kept trying, but it was like fighting for affection, you know?

Thats when the first break up happened. Things just died off.

She wanted to try again, but I hadn't had enough time to get my head straight or think about what was wrong. She tried for about a few weeks before we went back to having ups and downs and it feeling weird again.

It was really confusing, but now she knows how I actually feel. Maybe she'll realise she lost something pretty special (maybe that's why she wanted me as a best friend).

Who knows? She's very young and very emotionally immature. I'm young too but a bit deeper..at least I like to think so. I wouldn't dream of neglecting her like she did to me when I came out of hospital.

We both know what went wrong now at least. And she's at a point where she can now see what it's like without me in her life. She's just starting university properly (she left me while she was doing a summer course that guaranteed her a spot in university...I got her into that course) and she has a job. So she'll be busy and won't really have time to acknowledge that loss. But I think when that time comes, it will hit like a truck.

Hope so anyway. I bent over backwards for that girl.

To be honest we both knew something felt off in the relationship but we'd jump to sex before actually sitting down and talking about it. I'd tried but she'd misinterpret me.

 

Like I said before, she felt like I didn't love her even though I got her a super romantic and thoughtful Christmas present, we went on holiday together, I got her into university and I let her use my student flat like her own.

 

She must have let her emotions dellude her. Because I kept trying, but it was like fighting for affection, you know?

 

Thats when the first break up happened. Things just died off.

 

She wanted to try again, but I hadn't had enough time to get my head straight or think about what was wrong. She tried for about a few weeks before we went back to having ups and downs and it feeling weird again.

 

It was really confusing, but now she knows how I actually feel. Maybe she'll realise she lost something pretty special (maybe that's why she wanted me as a best friend).

 

Who knows? She's very young and very emotionally immature. I'm young too but a bit deeper..at least I like to think so. I wouldn't dream of neglecting her like she did to me when I came out of hospital.

 

We both know what went wrong now at least. And she's at a point where she can now see what it's like without me in her life. She's just starting university properly (she left me while she was doing a summer course that guaranteed her a spot in university...I got her into that course) and she has a job. So she'll be busy and won't really have time to acknowledge that loss. But I think when that time comes, it will hit like a truck.

 

Hope so anyway. I bent over backwards for that girl.

Healthy relationships do not require this much work. You need to understand what attracted and kept YOU in this dynamic. Look up co dependency.

It's worth noting apparently she'd told this new guy "Sean is my best friend and I want to be close with him. If you can't deal with that, leave".

She still had photos of us by her bed and in her wallet. When I asked why "because you're my best friend".

But I had to vanish. Being close but knowing she was with somebody else just obliterated me. So I don't know if that's the case anymore.

Healthy relationships do not require this much work. You need to understand what attracted and kept YOU in this dynamic. Look up co dependency.

I honestly don't know. Near the end, I wasn't really happy. And she would notice that. Over time I stopped trying as much..I burned out. I still tried just not as much.

It was mainly just hope she still felt the same way. I didn't want to give up what I thought was an unconditional love, even if I was doubting it all the time. A big part of me really craved knowing I'd be loved no matter what. Since she would always tell me that. She would tell me such grand words and that's what kept me going maybe? "I think you're perfect, I only want you, Im terrified of losing you, I dread the day you don't need me etc etc"

It's worth noting apparently she'd told this new guy "Sean is my best friend and I want to be close with him. If you can't deal with that, leave".

Eh, so she claims. You can't believe everything this girl says.

I honestly don't know. Near the end, I wasn't really happy. And she would notice that. Over time I stopped trying as much..I burned out. I still tried just not as much.

 

It was mainly just hope she still felt the same way. I didn't want to give up what I thought was an unconditional love, even if I was doubting it all the time. A big part of me really craved knowing I'd be loved no matter what. Since she would always tell me that. She would tell me such grand words and that's what kept me going maybe? "I think you're perfect, I only want you, Im terrified of losing you, I dread the day you don't need me etc etc"

Unconditional is only with children. There should always be conditions and boundaries in relationships, or it leads to disrespect and emotional abuse. Like your relationship. Stop trying to rescue people and follow people actions. You should have moved on, long ago.

Stop going on about her, and focus on why YOU were in this. Look at your dependency to dramatic and unhealthy relationships.

Eh, so she claims. You can't believe everything this girl says.

You're right, but that was her mum's advice and I trust her. Plus, I saw the photos on her wall and in her wallet.

And she told me, while crying, her rebound won't last.

I understand actions speak louder than words, she talks a lot but hardly acts on it. And she has treated me poorly.

But I'm guessing she's confused, and for somebody leaving home and experiencing independence for the first time. She has the right to be. It just sucks she's been a jerk and hurt me throughout this process.

People are people.

Unconditional is only with children. There should always be conditions and boundaries in relationships, or it leads to disrespect and emotional abuse. Like your relationship. Stop trying to rescue people and follow people actions. You should have moved on, long ago.

 

Stop going on about her, and focus on why YOU were in this. Look at your dependency to dramatic and unhealthy relationships.

I don't know what you want from me Holly. I just told you, I wanted the feelings of love she promised me but never really delivered. I loved her. And wanted her to love me.

I was in the relationship because I thought she loved me so passionately. And I wanted that. It wasn't a torrent of abuse 24/7. There were some really great times and really bad times. And while she was at her lowest, I was the one person she would come to for comfort. Any human with a conscience wouldn't kick someone while they're down like that. And if I did, she'd be dead.

I wanted her to be independent, and to love me for who I was. Not for depending on me. I didn't like knowing she depended on me, it made the love not feel as genuine. That's the reason why I stayed in the relationship for so long, trying to help her become the woman she told me she wanted to be.

Knowing she depended on me, made me doubt the motive behind our relationship.

Do you understand what I'm saying? I stayed in the relationship hoping she would grow into a woman who wouldn't depend on me, but loved me for who I was, not what I offered.

I think the assumption I have a dependency on dramatic and unhealthy relationships is a rather crude one. And it's not very fair at all. Especially since I've said, a few times on this thread, that I didn't like the drama and unhealthiness and it took a massive toll on my mental health. I can't help but feel a bit offended, that you think I'd choose to feel like this.

If I felt like I could have walked away. I would have. But I have a conscience. If I walked away when I was being her support, two years ago, she would be dead right now. I'm not drawn to being a white knight. I'm not drawn to dramatic relationships. I want nothing more than to feel secure and loved and I thought she would provide that for me.

I beat myself up about it, I think I was stupid for going so long in that relationship for it to just end like this. But I wouldn't do anything differently because I really helped that girl through a lot.

No relationship is 100% bad, or no one would stick around. Talk is cheap, if she is showing you that she can't follow through, you need to make an exit.

We can't rescue, or change people. You cannot "help her become the woman she wants to be." They must do this themselves. All I am saying is address your need to rescue there from their demons. This s is not healthy, and cannot be done. You need to understand what you got from this dynamic .

If you thought she was going to die, this is the responsibility of a doctor, you do not have training in mental health. Leave this to her family and the professionals.

I will repeat, please look into your codependency. This sounds like a classic case.

I did Google it yeah. I don't find vulnerableness attractive, I'll admit it made me feel special but it was a huge turn off. Being her support actually drained me.

She was at her worst while I was doing my finals in highschool. She was her most attractive when she was happy and thoughtful and lovely. (Which she could be) I don't think I have white knight syndrome, I'm just a good person lol. What I wanted was her early promises of love and affection.

 

Since we dated from such a young age she'd promise so many grand things for our future, and I stayed with her through all of her mental troubles and supported her because I wanted that good future. You know?

Yes I can understand wanting a good future with someone but not at the stake of my own mental well being.

 

It would stress me the hell out and she tried to kill herself at one point. (I stopped the attempt and saved her life.)...this was during my final year of highschool..I was only 18.

That is when you should have stopped trying to fix her and left her so that she could work on herself with the help of a professional and the right medication.

 

 

It's not a quality I look for, and I didn't enjoy being that support. I did it out of a huge feeling of responsibility and because...I'm a good person. And loved her very very much.

You do have White Knight tendencies. Loving someone it not enough to stay and take on the responsibility of looking after someone that needs the help she needs.

 

It eventually frustrated me because all I wanted was her to reciprocate the same thought and care I put into the relationship. I started feeling used as a support and fit amazing sex. (She tells me nobody is as good as me etc etc)Every christmas and birthday and valentine's Day I was thoughtful and made her smile. But she eventually stopped trying as much I guess.

I'm sorry you were put through her emotionally draining illness. Thing is, she brought you down to her level instead of you bringing her up to yours.

 

My point anyway, is that I actually really didn't like that dynamic in our relationship. And wanted nothing more for her to be confident and happy and healthy. It's why I got her into uni. It's why I was her support. I did it because I wanted to not have to in the future.

and my point is that you are not a professional and she should have been left to be single while she worked with a professional to help with her recovery. Now you need one to help you with your own recovery from your time with her.

 

Sorry if that's confusing.

It's not confusing son. It's classic as to what happens a lot of times in codependent relationships. I'm sorry you found yourself in one.

Then you have to look within to figure out why you stayed and kept on trying to fix her instead of letting her go so you could find someone who didn't drain you.

 

Yes, perhaps even a "good person" to a fault wherein you neglect your own well being.

 

Yes I can understand wanting a good future with someone but not at the stake of my own mental well being.

 

That is when you should have stopped trying to fix her and left her so that she could work on herself with the help of a professional and the right medication.

 

 

You do have White Knight tendencies. Loving someone it not enough to stay and take on the responsibility of looking after someone that needs the help she needs.

 

I'm sorry you were put through her emotionally draining illness. Thing is, she brought you down to her level instead of you bringing her up to yours.

 

and my point is that you are not a professional and she should have been left to be single while she worked with a professional to help with her recovery. Now you need one to help you with your own recovery from your time with her.

 

It's not confusing son. It's classic as to what happens a lot of times in codependent relationships. I'm sorry you found yourself in one.

 

You and Holly are right. The sad thing is, I addressed this to her at the time. I mentioned how it was taking its toll on my mental health.

 

And that just made her not want to talk to me openly anymore, and made our relationship worse.

 

I just felt guilt and something holding me back. And pity. I'm a really empathetic person, I hate seeing people suffer. I couldn't quite leave and when I tried years ago she really latched onto me. And I didn't force myself to go.

 

Because, I just really loved her and cared about her. I wanted nothing more for her to be ok.

 

I didn't see it as a duty, but I thought "if she can't even talk to her family or counsellor, but can talk to me, it would be selfish to just break her heart."

 

Furthermore, I loved her for the person she was. I tried to accept her flaws as part of that person. And there were times when it felt perfect between us, when there weren't any mental episodes and we were genuinely in love.

 

I guess I would hold out for those moments.

 

I stayed because I would constantly be fed words of "I'll never love anyone else, I'm yours, I never want to lose you".

 

I thought that was genuine love, I didn't want to let that go. I thought I was resilient enough to endure the stress of being a support for the sake of the good moments in our relationship.

 

And for the most part I did.

 

What I didn't see coming was how she became really self oriented. And our relationship deteriorating so quickly over half a year.

 

"I feel like I don't know you", and she'd try make that seem it was my fault, when she put no effort in to listen to me. Or ask me about my day, or what I was doing.

 

It was always about her and her new friends.

 

I would neglect my own well being but I DID try work this through with her. But in return she just felt like she couldn't talk to me or trust me as much anymore.

 

I can't help but feel used. She sucked up all my energy and support, used my place like her own...and then she moves out for the first time, feels confident and happy, meets new people.

 

And suddenly I'm left alone, recovering from surgery.

 

It's devestating. And I only hope she realises just how badly she treated me and how well I treated her enough to know she was in the wrong. That would be nice, I don't need it, but it would be nice.

She probably isn't going to have a realization about how she treated you any time soon, man. People like her rarely do.

You will recover from this, and as you do, spend time working on your own boundaries so you don't permit someone to treat you like this again. You also need to do a better job of filtering out people who are not relationship material and are dating as a coping mechanism. It seems that is what she was doing much of the time.

It's devastating because it sucks when a relationship ends, but also because you tied up a lot of your own value in how she perceived you. You've positioned her (probably unwittingly) as the barometer of your self-image. If she wasn't happy, there must have been something wrong with you, right? Wrong. Because you don't have much relationship experience yourself yet, you don't have a lot to compare this to. But what you two had was just about the textbook definition of dysfunctional codependency. You are going to need a lot of time and space with zero contact to see what this was not relationship that was meant to last, and that you can find something much better in the future.