Am I totally doomed to have a terrible love life?

This is going to be rather long as I really want to tell my story, and vent. Because I feel I can't anywhere else. You don't have to read the full thing if you don't wish to.

Long-term ex

I'm the type of person who sometimes has sex without emotions attached, and it doesn't present much of an issue for me. But if possible, obviously, I'd rather have sex with someone I love.

I met this guy who graduated my high school before me when I was 17 almost 18 and him 22. We dated on and off from early 2012 until early 2016. When I say on and off, I mean that we fought a ton and broke up a lot because I kept cheating on him. Note that at the age I am now (23 almost 24), I wouldn't cheat on my partner. But in my 'teens', honestly, I just didn't care and was quite a player. We were involved for so long because he was very loving towards me, always loyal, he wanted to live together and eventually marry, the whole 9 yards. I didn't take him seriously so I kept fooling around thinking "I'm too young to be so serious."

In I would say, either 2014 or 2015 can't completely remember, I fell pregnant to him by accident. We tended to use the 'pull-out' method because we were stupid and thought that my body is weak (because my mom and sister are) in terms of fertility and this method was successful for a couple of years. He was overseas visiting his family when I found out. He offered to take care of it, but I was only 20 and terrified, especially because I had a Muslim family who would probably disown me. I said I would terminate ASAP and that he should come back early to come with me and support me. He refused saying his mother was more important. After some back and forth, he eventually did fly back earlier and came with me to do the termination and he paid for all of it. I was traumatized from all this because the doctor who performed it was a very strange, sleazy man, and I suspect he did it badly because I was in so much pain and bleeding for ages after.

I started harboring resentment towards him about this because after the termination my body went haywire. I was also emotionally scarred and he appeared to be indifferent (even though before the termination he had tried to talk me out of it saying 'it's MY baby too'). He was also obviously harboring resentment to me too about past cheating. The relationship continued for a while after then things broke off for good when I decided to transfer interstate to study a Master's degree at a prestigious university while seeking graduate jobs in the field I studied in that city. This was around mid 2016.

Studying Master's

For the first six months, I worked part time in a high end department store and studied my Master's. My work was either full of gossipy females or gay men, and my Master's classes were older people who were being supported by their company. I found it very difficult to make friends with my co workers, and also meeting new men. Thankfully, my best friend from my old city decided to transfer to my city a month after me for a job she got offered after graduating university. I went back to my old city frequently as well, so my experience was tolerable. In the new city, I kept having meaningless hook ups through guys I met at bars. I wasn't affected by that, but I wasn't meeting anyone worthy of dating either. I had a crush on my university tutor at this time and I could tell he found me attractive, but neither of us said anything and nothing came of it.

After my first semester finished, I went back to my old city for three weeks to stay with my parents throughout the Christmas period.

NYE end of 2016

I went to a friend's Christmas party in my old city. There, I met one of his friends for the first time and was instantly attracted. I made eye contact with him here and there, but didn't say anything. The next day, however, he found me on Facebook and messaged me. A group of us including him went to a clubbing Christmas event the next night, and we were obviously attracted to each other, but hardly said anything out of shyness. Afterwards, he messaged asking if he could give me a Christmas gift before I left the city.

When I returned, we were messaging constantly and really liking each other. I was about 22 at this time and he 27. Our mutual close friends encouraged us to date, with everyone telling me that he was a very good guy and that we should take a chance on it. He decided to take the plunge and ask if he could fly to my city for NYE because he didn't want to miss out on getting to know me. After some hesitation I said yes. His visit went really well and he was super romantic and sweet. When he returned we continued talking regularly and he was planning his next trip.

About 3 weeks after in early 2017, he returned to my city again. He let me know that his boss was requiring him to move interstate for a new branch of the business, which was coincidentally my city. We felt that this was so perfect and I thought everything is so fast but going well. One day, I was at work at the department store and I just had a strange feeling in my gut. Something told me to buy a pregnancy test on that day. I tested in the work bathroom and nearly keeled over in shock. This time, I was pregnant even though I was on the Pill and had been when we had sex last time. I was really unlucky.

I told him over the phone and he essentially freaked out and told all our close friends even though I told him not to. He said he would take responsibility, but I immediately wanted a termination. He felt insulted that I would reject his baby and I felt he was unreasonable given we hadn't dated for long at all. So I went through the termination by myself and I also fought with my best friend because she didn't try to be there for me much save for a few texts asking how I'm feeling here and there rather than getting up to go and see me. He moved to my city and slowly 'faded' out and eventually told me he just wanted to be friends. Our mutual friends got angry with him and all cut off the friendship with him because of this. I never contacted him again. However, I was now alone in this city with no friends and quite emotionally distraught.

Again, for another 6 months I continued to have meaningless hookups and didn't manage to meet any decent guys in my master's classes or work because of above reasons.

Back to the old city

I worked hard and finished a large portion of my Master's degree. I eventually got an excellent graduate job offer in my field of study. The problem was that it would begin in early 2018. So I decided for the remaining half of 2017, I would return to my old city and spend time with friends/family and work in that branch of the department store until the job started.

Again, old flames contacted me once i returned, guys that I had had flings with in the past, or they seriously liked me from college but I wasn't into them. I met a guy through my female friend and we had a friends with benefits relationship for those 6 months, so I was essentially only sleeping with him for that duration. We didn't have any romantic feelings for each other but our arrangement was unspoken and worked well. I had no problem satisfying my libido - I figured if I met someone I really liked, I would stop everything with anyone else and focus on him. But the problem was I just wasn't meeting anyone. When I went out with friends, it was always the same people, no new ones. My department store gig was again full of females and gay men. I was frustrated. It was so easy to meet guys when I was in college, and I'm a good looking girl. Why was this happening to me?

2018

Start of 2018 I decided to go on a short holiday overseas to free my mind. While there I met a wonderful guy I quite liked. Obviously it was short lived as I had to return to my country. Back in the new city, I had old flames contact me. A couple of them visited my city, and I visited one in his for a weekend getaway, but everything was short lived and didn't result in any relationships due to various reasons. I also felt very tired of everything.

Over the course of this year I completely changed as a person. I stopped hooking up, I deleted any guys I deemed not good enough off my social medias, and didn't respond to them if they messaged. So far I have just been working, studying and exercising like crazy. I have one girl friend here that I made during a house viewing and we are close now, but I don't meet any guys through her because when we go out it's just the two of us. I don't like any of my male co workers that are single, the ones I do fancy are in relationships.

People are now asking me why I've been single for so long. Honestly, I feel bad about myself. My friends meet guys so easily, and I'm quite good looking. I had no problem in my college years. I'm bored, but at the same time I refuse to deal with online dating. It's a no-go zone for me.

I guess what I'm seeking advice on is, am I going in the right direction?

What direction is it you want to go? Are you happy where you are living and in your work? If you refuse to date, then you'll be single for quite a while. If you refuse to make friends or socialize you'll be lonely. And if you refuse to develop and pursue any outside interests, hobbies, sports or join any groups, clubs, volunteer etc you'll be bored.

I had a Muslim family who would probably disown me. I'm bored, but at the same time I refuse to deal with online dating.

What direction is it you want to go? Are you happy where you are living and in your work? If you refuse to date, then you'll be single for quite a while. If you refuse to make friends or socialize you'll be lonely. And if you refuse to develop and pursue any outside interests, hobbies, sports or join any groups, clubs, volunteer etc you'll be bored.

I'm just not sure if what I'm doing is right. I've cut anyone who is bad out of my life, I'm working hard and I'm taking care of my physique too.

I hate where I'm living because it's a cold city and hard to make friends here. I'm working towards leaving as soon as I get enough work experience.

It's not that I'm refusing to date, it's more so I can't find anyone decent to go out with. Sleazy guys from bars don't fit the bill.

I am trying to make friends, but it's been hard. I am someone who is not good at making friends. I have gone out a couple times with co workers, but we don't become close because they already have their own lives and friends outside of work. So I'm just really close with that one girl by chance. In terms of interests, I basically do this group personal training thing 3 times a week. I might take up a second job or weekend language class to assist with my move overseas, but it's hard because I have to use weekends to study my qualification that the company is paying for too.

And just quickly addressing the online dating - The reason why I don't want to is because it screams 'desperate' for me and my ego can't handle that. I also am very wary and heard horror stories from my friends, so i'm scared about weirdos and psychos on there. I also think I can't fall in love by messaging someone online, I think I'm the type of person who needs a more organic connection. Just not a fan.

If all you are doing there is killing time until you can move overseas, then why bother dating? You can go back to casual encounters which you are used to, since you are planning and preparing to move as soon as possible. It also sounds like you are too busy to date if you have educational and employment obligations to meet.

Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Or trying to escape it?

I hate where I'm living because it's a cold city and hard to make friends here. I'm working towards leaving as soon as I get enough work experience. I might take up a second job or weekend language class to assist with my move overseas.

If all you are doing there is killing time until you can move overseas, then why bother dating? You can go back to casual encounters which you are used to, since you are planning and preparing to move as soon as possible. It also sounds like you are too busy to date if you have educational and employment obligations to meet.

 

Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Or trying to escape it?

Sorry but why would you think I'm scheduled for an arranged marriage? Because my family is Muslim?

Honestly, if you are being irresponsible with your current birth control you should stop hooking up or dating for a while. Abortions are not birth control. While I am pro-choice, killing babies because a method of BC isn't working for you isn't right. Switch to a low maintenance, effective BC like the shot, patch, implant, IUD, etc instead of the pill. I have the IUD and it's great!

It is also likely, since some of your friend groups were told about your pregnancy, guys avoid dating you. The rumor mill can be unforgiving. Aborting guy's babies can be traumatizing for any guy. I suggest you switch BC, focus on your studies, and then get out into the comminity through the avenues wiseman offered (volunteer, hobbies, etc). You can go to online meetups (online to meet initially, but in person exposure thereafter).

You know, working out like crazy can kill your libido. But also, a lot of people go through a phase where they've had sex every which way, and if they don't have a significant other to have it with, then it's not worth having.

You say you don't like yourself and you're bored. I'm worried that through all these guys you really haven't formed much of an emotional attachment. Have you ever been in love with someone? In love enough to marry them? Or is it all just sex? You could be establishing a pattern for the rest of your life, as you hinted in your subject line.

And now you have this reputation, and you have guys from your past who contact you for a quickie. And you're extremely busy too. Maybe you need this time to reflect on your life and prepare for your move and a new chapter. And maybe after your move, in a new city, you look for a quality guy that you can fall in love with and who will love you rather than all these one-night stands and short affairs.

And just quickly addressing the online dating - The reason why I don't want to is because it screams 'desperate' for me and my ego can't handle that. I also am very wary and heard horror stories from my friends, so i'm scared about weirdos and psychos on there. I also think I can't fall in love by messaging someone online, I think I'm the type of person who needs a more organic connection. Just not a fan.

Oh please. Don't date online -use online dating sites to meet people in person. I am old enough to be your mother but several of my friends who are my age and far younger met their husbands/SOs through online dating sites. One is celebrating his 17th anniversary next month, another has a family with her SO and they met in 2005, another has been married over 10 years. Meet in person ASAP and you'll have that 'organic" connection.

I agree about the rumor mill - I am glad you chose to change, surprised that you thought your age gave you a pass to lie to and deceive people who cared about you and I think your negative generalizations may come from knowing that not too long ago you chose to treat people badly. Maybe do some more work to figure out why you made those choices and whether you really do feel secure that from now on you will choose to treat people with caring and respect.

People are now asking me why I've been single for so long.

Are you in the right direction? Well, that depends on what your dating end goal is, I guess. Do you know what your romantic end goal is? It would appear you do not.

My guess is a subconscious fear of commitment or an addiction to no strings attached sex.

 

Are you in the right direction? Well, that depends on what your dating end goal is, I guess. Do you know what your romantic end goal is? It would appear you do not.

I agree.

Promiscuity, especially when young isnt necessarily a bad thing, but when you combine it with an inability to stay faithful in a relationship is a red flag. Sometimes hyper-sexuality is a sign of something deeper

I agree.

 

Promiscuity, especially when young isnt necessarily a bad thing, but when you combine it with an inability to stay faithful in a relationship is a red flag. Sometimes hyper-sexuality is a sign of something deeper

I mean, if you read the end of my post I actually haven't been having sex at all lately. It's been a few months now. You can also read that I've actually deleted anyone who was like a past hook up. In terms on the unfaithfulness that was to do with immaturity at a younger age because I was like 18. I stated that I don't have a desire to do like that now.

I mean, if you read the end of my post I actually haven't been having sex at all lately. It's been a few months now. You can also read that I've actually deleted anyone who was like a past hook up. In terms on the unfaithfulness that was to do with immaturity at a younger age because I was like 18. I stated that I don't have a desire to do like that now.

Yep, read it all. Again, like I said, its one thing to be promiscuous, its another to be promiscuous while in a relationship. Most people are immature when young, I dont think thats the issue here. Usually self esteem, attachment issues rise while dealing with the opposite/same sex in a relationship simply because theyre emotional and vulnerable situations. You dont show the same emotions or vulnerabilities to friends and family.

So to assume you're 'cured' is a huge assumption in my eyes until you are actually back to dating. Again, if you read what I wrote, hyper-sexuality is sometimes a sign of something deeper. Are you doomed? I dont think so, but I think it might be wise to humble yourself and seek help to figure out why you did what you did and how it affected you long term.

I mean, if you read the end of my post I actually haven't been having sex at all lately. It's been a few months now. You can also read that I've actually deleted anyone who was like a past hook up. In terms on the unfaithfulness that was to do with immaturity at a younger age because I was like 18. I stated that I don't have a desire to do like that now.

No. Unfaithfulness doesn't have to do with age. It has to do with your values. My son is 9 and has the value of telling the truth to us and to others. He lies sometimes or tries to but he knows it's the wrong thing to do and doesn't get a pass because he is 9. He owns up to his mistakes when he doesn't tell the truth. He also has the value of not wanting to hurt other people and to be kind and compassionate. And he makes mistakes there too but again it's a core value, he's not too young to have that value and act on that value (and same when he was in kindergarten). Making mistakes that go against your core values happens to everyone. It has nothing to do with "immaturity". You chose to hurt and betray another person. Don't you remember in school when kids got in trouble for bullying other kids? Were they given a pass because they were in grade school and "young?" Just consider taking responsibility and accountability and be careful about your choices going forward lest you be tempted to justify it with "well I'm still in my 20s...."

I mean, if you read the end of my post I actually haven't been having sex at all lately. It's been a few months now. You can also read that I've actually deleted anyone who was like a past hook up. In terms on the unfaithfulness that was to do with immaturity at a younger age because I was like 18. I stated that I don't have a desire to do like that now.

What was your childhood like, Blanket? Was it loving and supportive instilled with lessons about good values or was it dysfunctional and abusive?

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