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Low esteem/attraction question


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I'm a male in my mid-30s. Not becoming more attractive. Especially my face. Not sure what to do about that. As I mature I want to assume/delude myself into thinking other qualities can make up for looks in a hetero relationship.

 

Now be honest... can personality make up for a mediocre face? What about intelligence? What if a guy looks like a classical nerd? I unfortunately have a visually big head and glasses. It's a mess.

 

I am asking a sincere question and I have always struggled with low esteem.

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Honestly, my type is nerdy. Glasses are cute.

 

What turns me off:

 

Scruffy gross unmaintained facial hair. I prefer no facial hair, but lots of women like it. But make sure it looks good. Groomed. Smooth. A lot of nerdier guys have terrible facial hair and that’s their problem

 

Go to a barber shop and get a full workup. Learn about product if you’re not using it.

 

Do you smile and show your teeth?

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From personal experience I would say no and no. Confidence and high self esteem will help you thou. Think of two people about to jump off a cliff, one is afraid the other is confident. What are the chances that the afraid person will back off? Maybe they are 30-40 percent less likely to jump and so others will perceive that they cannot jump as well.

 

This is similar to the way humans behave with each other. If you are confident with picking up a girl and dating her if you come across as thou you know what your doing, then even she will think that you are a catch. If you are afraid she will also sense this. Sometimes confidence is just about winging it and facing your fears. In the long run, who cares what you look like if people perceive you to be someone who has it together and can be trusted.

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It really depends on the woman. Some individuals value physical attractiveness more than others. Often, couples are made up of comparably attractive people, so you will likely end up dating someone who is as good-looking as you are.

 

As as least one other poster pointed out, though, confidence is a huge factor when it comes to how likely you are to attract a woman. Try not to put yourself down and take pride in your body (e.g. work out, eat healthy, practice good hygiene, dress to impress). Simply being presentable and happy with yourself will go a long way.

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I prefer symmetry in a face, as I'm more of a face person, but intelligence and other factors definitely play into my attraction. I like nerdy intellectuals, generally speaking. I'm not picky on build (thin, muscular, short, tall, etc.). Good hygiene and a sense of humor go a long way. If you're concerned about your body, try to focus on the things you can control that make you feel good about yourself physically--like working out, eating healthy, having a good hair cut, smelling nice, or dressing well.

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So personality and intelligence doesn't really quite compensate for anything? I'll keep that in mind.

 

Reread what I wrote. I don't think that is the takeaway.

 

What a person considers attractive and how much they value physical appearance is context dependent. Not all women value personality and/or intelligence to the same degree either.

 

Also, just like with looks, individuals have different tastes when it comes to personality and intelligence. It's not as simple as you are making it out to be.

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Yeah, you are missing the point. Intelligence definitely factors into things for me, as does a sense of humor and other personality traits. However, if you're insecure about your physical appearance, it's good to maximize what you're working with so that you feel good in your own skin and have the best chances of attracting someone. So make sure to present yourself well with the aspects you can control. Sometimes when people are insecure about their appearance they can tend to hide behind poor posture and mountains of hair or loose clothing, etc. and this doesn't do them any favors.

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Yeah, women are more attracted to men who seem to be good providers and good fathers than those who are simply attractive. And many women will say their dumpy, unattractive guy is the most handsome man in the world. Love seems to blind women. I'd say follow the advice of the above posters. Always look your best, for example.

 

But on a personal note, you've been basically asking the same question over and over. You've got to get out there and talk to some girls. You've got to try some of the things we've been advising you to do.

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Get a make over plan together. Get to an optician and see about better frames or contacts. Get to a hair place and see about a more flattering haircut. Get to a store and buy updated well fitting work, casual and date clothes. Even drug stores have face moisturizer, etc for men. Take care of your health and fitness and diet.

 

Improve your self image. You can be whatever you are and want to be but you can also be a better version of that. Try not to pigeon-hole yourself. You can be an artist or intellectual or whatever and still have a good haircut, clothes, eyeglasses, shave/facial hair, etc..

I unfortunately have a visually big head and glasses. It's a mess.
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What does nerdy mean? People who wear glasses are nerds? I wear glasses and I am not a nerd. The opposite in fact. Intelligence? How do you measure intelligence? These are silly generalizations that don't really matter in reality.

 

OP, work out and dress well. Then it's only how much you practice your ability to talk to women. This is the most difficult part.

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I'm a male in my mid-30s. Not becoming more attractive. Especially my face. Not sure what to do about that. As I mature I want to assume/delude myself into thinking other qualities can make up for looks in a hetero relationship.

 

Now be honest... can personality make up for a mediocre face? What about intelligence? What if a guy looks like a classical nerd? I unfortunately have a visually big head and glasses. It's a mess.

 

I am asking a sincere question and I have always struggled with low esteem.

 

There's a difference between trying to mass market large amounts of 'product' to the widest possible audience versus finding your own private match with one person. So what's the advantage to believing that, with millions of people in the world, NObody would find you appealing?

 

You get to pick whether to adopt perceptions that are on your own side and work FOR you to make your life easier, or you can talk yourself into feeling lousy and make your life harder. That's not a difficult set of options for me: I will operate in my own favor every time. So what's the point in navel gazing with strangers (who can't even see you) to fish for a crappy outlook about your future?

 

Invest in the best possible hygiene, clothing, expertise in hair, skincare and healthy care of your body that you can pull off, and then trust that anyone who doesn't own the vision to view you through the right lens isn't a good match for you, anyway.

 

Most people are NOT our match. It's a needle in the haystack thing for all of us. Mass appeal is only necessary for celebrities selling an image. The rest of us are happy to find ONE person who 'gets' us, and that's why love is special: because it is rare and it is ~personal~.

 

Head high, and decide whether you're on your own side, or not.

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So personality and intelligence doesn't really quite compensate for anything? I'll keep that in mind.

 

For starters, being less cynical could help. For personality, be confident in yourself, positive, courteous, and kind. Don't act so confident it comes across as arrogant, which puts you into bunghole territory. For intelligence, read current events, have interests to talk about (I love documentaries and surprise people with weird facts often), even survey more of these forums (emotional intelligence). Don't go on about a topic a date is not engaged with, or they'll lose interest. Worse, if you're trying to act intelligent they'll think you're a know it all.

 

It's a balance. It will be different for every person you meet and that's why you should look for someone who clicks with your character. Most of all, be a good listener as well as a conversationalist. Aka be interested (ask questions) and let your date respond, as well as providing information about yourself.

 

For looks, do all of the things already suggested. One of my current co-workers recently got a haircut (hair and beardtrim) and I thought "wow, I knew he needed a haircut but now he looks so much more attractive!" Keep in mind, attraction draws us in but personality makes us stay.

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So personality and intelligence doesn't really quite compensate for anything? I'll keep that in mind.

 

I emphasized looks because you did. But I said I like nerdier guys.

 

That applies to brains, personality, and looks.

 

Self defeating attitudes are the worst though. What you said was the online equivalent of “whatever” while throwing your hands up.

 

That is SO unattractive. Get rid of this attitude and you’ll have better luck. Consciously get rid of it - it may be present without you realizing.

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I emphasized looks because you did. But I said I like nerdier guys.

 

That applies to brains, personality, and looks.

 

Self defeating attitudes are the worst though. What you said was the online equivalent of “whatever” while throwing your hands up.

 

That is SO unattractive. Get rid of this attitude and you’ll have better luck. Consciously get rid of it - it may be present without you realizing.

 

I do have a bad attitude but I didn't mean it that way. Part of the reason I'm asking is because I'm asking myself whether I should dive into my research and work in order to "become" a more attractive person to others. During much of my life when I feel poor in the looks department I assume if I were just more focused on my art practice that could attract people to me. I also worry (strongly suspect) that my introverted/sometimes-nerdy persona is extremely uninteresting to many people.

 

I recently had a break up. It was an eight year relationship so I'm trying to find myself. I may be the same person I always was but I may not be. I'm wondering what to do with myself. I'm not confident the women around me would find me very interesting.

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This is a case of men assuming that women value the same things they do when trying to attract the opposite sex. We do not.

 

Women in my experience place a lot more importance on the kind of relationship the man can offer her, how he treats her, and how he makes her feel. Appearances are a factor but not the only thing to be considered or even the most important consideration.

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What does nerdy mean? People who wear glasses are nerds? I wear glasses and I am not a nerd. The opposite in fact. Intelligence? How do you measure intelligence? These are silly generalizations that don't really matter in reality.

 

OP, work out and dress well. Then it's only how much you practice your ability to talk to women. This is the most difficult part.

 

Yup. I agree and also am tired of the "nerdy" label even if it's meant to be positive. I also love Yatsue's suggestions.

 

I think you are overthinking this and focusing too much on "people don't want/understand artists" -meant gently, get over yourself a bit ok? People have all sorts of jobs/careers and creative pursuits and athletic pursuits and they find a good match for themselves.

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OP - repeat what you just said.

 

You had an 8 year relationship.

 

Someone loved you. Picked you. Wanted you. For 8 years. Clearly, something about you is desirable. Remember that.

 

Well, I feel very fortunate and lucky to have had that for eight years. I just don't see that easily happening again. I don't think I would necessarily be that fortunate again. I had someone special who liked me well enough for a while. It's not an easy thing to accomplish. I don't imagine many women choosing me as she did.

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Imagine it otherwise and don't limit yourself with preconceived notions. Be the best polished version of you that is possible and most of all let your personality shine. Confidence in itself is sexy to women.

 

I'm possibly still speaking out of a sense of pain. Maybe my mind will change in time.

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