Am I betraying/abandoning my family by moving out?

Hello, first time poster here, and looking for an objective view on my situation.

I just finished my first year of university (european equivalent of college), and I still live at home. I have wanted to move out for a long time, but couldn't really justify it because I'm going to uni in the same city where my parents live and where I've always lived. I've lived with my mother and my brother since my father left (my parents got a divorce).

Our family life has always been absolutely toxic to my well-being, not to delve into too many details but I can't remember a time where my parents didn't fight (they still fight even though they live apart), and I can't remember a time where I got on with my mother. She is very controlling and very critical, she calls me selfish, self-entitled, stupid and other things on a regular basis. She accuses me of being my father's pawn in the war they've been waging against each other for years. She gets mad every other day for every silly little thing and won't talk to me or gets passive agressive.

I remember she used to make fun of me when I told her about my day or other life stuff (because it wasn't "smart" or "cultured" enough, and all my friends were stupid - she values intelligence and culture a lot, she had us take a ing IQ test when we were like 10 to prove to herself that we were "gifted children", yay), and as a result I have developed into a very closed person. I bottle thing up and am very afraid of vulnerability and confiding in people.

Anyway, to get to the point, this year I have made the decision that this was enough, and that this living environnement wasn't conducive to my growth as a person and was making me unhappy and miserable on an almost day-to-day basis. So I decided to move out. I had two options : either move in with my dad or move into a flat with flatmates in a student residence. I talked to my dad about it, and he understood (we get along a lot better than my mother and I) and told me that he would pay for part of the room in the student accommodation, and I'm going to work to pay for the rest.

However, when I announced this to my mother, she got absolutely super mad. She told me that I was being extremely selfish, not because I was abandoning her but because I was abandoning my brother, who still lives at home (he's two years older than me) and - her words - absolutely adores me. And she starting crying, saying how family was the only thing that I would be able to rely on in my life, that friends come and go (and that all of my friends are fake and selfish anyways and would turn their back on me without second thoughts). She told me that once her and my dad are dead, my brother is the only person I'll have and that he'll always be there for me.

She said she could have left long ago as well to go wherever she wanted in the world, but she doesn't do it because she has a family here, and we have to have each other's backs. She also said that if I leave, things would never be the same between us again because I was essentially a back-stabber.

Now, the thing is that I really really love them. I would do anything for my brother and for my mother as well. We've never gotten along, but I've always known she loves me and that deep down she tries to do her best. She stopped working to take care of us when we were little, made us play instruments, took us to concerts, made us lunch, dinner, picked us up from school and drove us to various activities. She really loves us, and I really love her. Our relationship is and has almost always been , yes, but we do care for each other. I know that our relationship would be 100 times better if we didn't live together, but she doesn't see it that way. Also, another point to consider is that moving out will ruin our relationship for a looong time, and potentially hurt me even more than staying would. And also that my mother is pretty lonely and unhappy and she doesn't mean to be the way she is.

I know my brother is really sad I'm moving out. I don't want to make him sad, and I'm going to miss him a lot.

So, my question is : am I being selfish for moving out? Should I reconsider and move to my dad's instead? It would be cheaper and maybe wouldn't be considered such a selfish act since I would "stay in the family". I just can't stay with her and I know it, so staying at home just isn't an option.

My main argument for leaving is that moving out of home is a normal part of growing up. If I had gone to uni in another city / country (and I really regret not having done that), I would have moved out, no questions asked and no betrayal mentioned. But is what I'm doing the same? I'm really doubting myself here, because I can see the situation from her eyes and I don't know if she's right or not.

Sorry for the long post, but this situation is really really hurting me and I want to do what's best but I can't have an objective eye on myself and my actions, so hoping to get some feedback.

Thanks for reading that much :))

Lara

Sorry to hear this . The best thing you can do is create distance by moving out and distance yourself from the toxicity and dysfunction. The manipulation started early and will continue.

Your mother is emotionally abusive and she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into staying. It's time that she let go of you. See if your brother wants to move into an apartment with you, otherwise -- GET OUT! Take advantage of your father's offer. You will not be able to develop as a person and reach your ultimate potential until you get away from her. If she was on your side, she wouldn't hold you back, she would be helping you. It's time for you to move out.

These are your moms issues. You are not betraying the family nor abandoning them.

It is completely natural and normal to want to leave the nest as a young adult. She should be proud to have a strong young woman as a daughter!

Of course you love them and you always will. Your brother too, hopefully, will leave the nest and there is nothing at all preventing you two from having a strong relationship. My brother and I have not lived together since I was 18, and he's one of the closest people to me in my life.

Remember too that you being unhappy will not cure your moms unhappiness for her. That's between her and herself, an inside job, and she is very capable of changing that when and if she chooses.

Trust that by investing in yourself, you have strength to offer everyone else in your life. Including those you love. Crippling yourself to make her more comfortable would only add to the current dysfunctions, one more person with 'broken legs' to stand on their own so to speak.

I think your mom is terrified at seeing her life in clear vision without you and your bro to exclusively focus on.

You need to move out, live your own life. She needs to learn to live without you. Emotional blackmail shall not be tolerated. Period. Either she chooses to be happy with what she's got or she doesn't.

Unconditional love is the strongest of bonds. So trust that, if you do move out, it'll work out for all in the long-term. :)