Pregnant with boyfriend's baby, we live together, and he choked me today

My boyfriend and I just got pregnant together(not long after we met) and we just moved into a place a month ago. We signed a 1 year lease. He has his 2 kids on his days off. Well today he had them, and it wasn't a great morning. We were arguing. I told him to leave and I had a lot of attitude about it. So he screamed very loudly and started punching the bed, just inches away from my cat. He yelled angrily for the kids to put their shoes on and he wasn't keeping his calm for the kids, which I'm totally against. So I went to our room and closed the door and stood in front of it, and basically told him he needs to stop losing it in front of the kids. He kept wanting to hit stuff but he was controlling it a little better, but then he screamed in my face (in ear shot of the 4 and 7 year old) "You're being a f***ing c***!" In response I slapped him in the face. So he grabbed me, pushed me onto the bed, and began to choke me with one hand while saying angry things at me. I spit on him while he was doing so and he called me insane and left. I know hitting isn't okay. But it didn't make it okay for him to choke me. I see this as a huge red flag. I feel so alone because I can't bring myself to tell anybody about it. I know any of my family would tell me to get out of this relationship but we just signed a year lease and have a baby on the way. I really feel stuck and helpless, but I do know I should get out. What do I do?

You are both abusive and violent. Stay away from each other. These kid’s mom needs to be notified so she can go to court and have her kids only have supervised visitation or no visitation with their dad.

Leave today. Right now. Get help for your own anger.

I have a one year lease. This is part of the problem.

You are both abusive and violent. Stay away from each other. These kid’s mom needs to be notified so she can go to court and have her kids only have supervised visitation or no visitation with their dad.

 

Leave today. Right now. Get help for your own anger.

Yes, agreed with all of the above.

This relationship is a toxic disaster. Adding a new baby to this is going to make it worse. No child deserves to see their parents getting into a fight, and the poor kids who did witness this already are going to pay a steep price.

Start planning to live and parent separately, and do what you need to do to get your own anger under control. You and this guy need to stay the hell away from each other.

I have a one year lease. This is part of the problem.

So you're staying you're going to stay in this mutually abusive situation for another year because of a lease?

You're reading the news about this story, no?

Chris Watts murdered his pregnant wife Shanaan and their 2 children:

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/7072435/chris-watts-shanann-colorado-murder-court-dad-latest/

I'm saying I don't know how to get out of it. I already said in my post that I know I should leave but I feel stuck because of the financial situation. I'm here for advice on that aspect.

I have a one year lease. This is part of the problem.

so your plan is to have him choke you in front of not two, but three children for the next twelve months?

get several lawyers' free first short consult on how to get off the lease or alternative solutions, and drop by at the social services and your doctor.

anytime anyone hurts you physically, you should have it examined by a doctor and put in your medical records even if you have no visible marks.

i'm sorry but this is urgent, you can't delay getting all services that handle a family crisis in your area involved, especially if you don't have parents/siblings/friends/ savings for a rental where you could stay.

I'm saying I don't know how to get out of it. I already said in my post that I know I should leave but I feel stuck because of the financial situation. I'm here for advice on that aspect.

Advice: Go to a women's shelter today. Like literally, look one up (from your phone, do NOT leave a computer trail), and drive there. Now.

ETA: Delete this posting history from your computer, if that's how you're accessing this site. Delete anything he could find from your computer. If it's a laptop, take it with you.

I'm saying I don't know how to get out of it. I already said in my post that I know I should leave but I feel stuck because of the financial situation. I'm here for advice on that aspect.

this i would really recommend seeing a social worker for. the fact that you're pregnant would put you higher on the priority list.

one thing i would not expect is that he would be forced off the lease/ out of the home on account of his aggression, at least it doesn't happen where i live. but they can look for other solutions. it's insane how quickly the answer is "we can work something out" when the call is made by someone advocating for you.

usually, if you provide the bank account balance from the past three months, a court of first instance will offer free legal advice and a representative if you need one.

I'm saying I don't know how to get out of it. I already said in my post that I know I should leave but I feel stuck because of the financial situation. I'm here for advice on that aspect.

You are going to need a lawyer for that. We don't know the specifics of your rental agreement nor the laws in your area so we cannot provide the advice you are looking for.

Do you have a compassionate friend or family member you could stay with in the meantime? A shelter you can go to? Do not tell him where you are going. He is explosive and could seriously hurt you and the unborn baby, or the person providing a safe haven for you. I honestly think a shelter would be your best option for the moment, since most are equipped to deal with these crises and unstable/violent partners coming to look for you. They tend to have security measures already in place.

I am assuming this is not the first time violence has erupted between you?

Sorry to hear this. How long have you been dating? How far along are you? Silence is the best weapon you are giving him. Why can't you tell anyone about it? Did they warn you about him while he was doing the charming act? Immediately tell your trusted friends, relatives family about this.

Did you see red flags of abuse before this? Prince charming treatment, quick involvement, moving in pregnancy etc? Bad temper?

Where is his kid's mother? Did he depict her as a "psycho", etc? He has been like this for a while and his ex and his kids have seen all this before. Abuse like this cycles. Read up on Cycles Of Violence. Read up on Abusive Relationships.

These are not "red flags" This is dangerous. Plan your exit carefully. Abuse escalates significantly if you exert control by telling him you are leaving or while trying to leave. Abuse is intended to throw you off so keep your cool and be nonreactive.

Tell your family and start bringing important things there, have your mail forwarded there. Close down any joint financial accounts. Immediately change All your passwords to any accounts, devices etc. You need to stealthily and carefully and coolly plan your exit. Do not panic. Do not bargain or negotiate.

There are many things to consider. Do you want a child with a violent homicidal man who is clearly abusive to his kids already? (terrorizing them trying to kill you in front of them is abuse).

My boyfriend and I just got pregnant together not long after we met and we just moved into a place a month ago. he grabbed me, pushed me onto the bed, and began to choke me with one hand. I feel so alone because I can't bring myself to tell anybody about it. I know any of my family would tell me to get out of this relationship

Did you go to a doctor?

Others may flame me for this, but have you thought about abortion?

Tell your family.

Then seek legal advice regarding breaking your lease. In emergency situations leases can be broken. For example, (and I know it's not the same thing) my mother passed away soon after I had leased her an apartment. I was not required to keep.the apartment and paid no fees or penalties.

Then move in with family and have your baby.

The alternative is to stay around until one of you kills the other one.

I have a one year lease. This is part of the problem.

Depending on where you live, I believe once a domestic partner becomes physically abusive then your landlord legally has to dissolve the lease agreement. The problem is you are both physically abusive, however he has essentially jeopardized your life by choking you.

While slapping a person is by no means acceptable, his choking presents an immediate threat to your life. Chance it and report this incident to the police. After that, do not get back together. You both bring out the worst in each other. Coparent if you decide to have the baby.

If finances are a concern, I would contact a domestic shelter in your area and see if they can hook you up with any legal advisers or place a call to a local law school to see if you can get some pro bono advice. Additionally, I would figure out the legalities around the lease and contact your landlord, because even if you don't live in a region where it can be legally dissolved, they may be open to allowing you to sublet or something similar to release your obligations.

Whatever you do, do not raise children in this environment. This will affect their future relationships and what they find acceptable--if you make it out alive. How long have you been together? Typically this type of abuse escalates over time and it sounds to me like this is early days for you...

You need to leave before they find your body in a ditch. He has anger issues. And he shouldn't be around children if he is acting like this.

Not to be abrupt, but you could be dead in a year.

PLEASE go to a shelter and don't stay. Leave today.

You are both abusive and violent. Stay away from each other. These kid’s mom needs to be notified so she can go to court and have her kids only have supervised visitation or no visitation with their dad.

 

Leave today. Right now. Get help for your own anger.

Yes get out now, he needs serious anger management help as do you. His wife needs to know how he acts with the kids around, so she can arrange supervised visits for them with him. What he is doing is so far from ok and you know it.

As for the lease, leave, let him deal with the rent.

Consider contacting the hotline on domesticviolence.org for a referral to a counselor local to you. A domestic violence counselor has the knowledge and resources to help you make a plan to get out safely and to deal with practical concerns like your lease and finding another place to live.

This maniac should be reported to the authorities for his abusive behaviour in front of such young child (imo). Who knows what he does to them when they are alone with him ... beating them, smacking etc etc. He should have supervised visits as he has major major anger issues and loses control. A very dangerous man around children, or anyone else for that matter.

Well, if you're going to continue living there, you've got to try to stop having fights. My reading of the situation is you're arguing with him and then you escalate it by demanding that he leave and then telling him not to yell at the kids. Well, what about you arguing with him in front of the kids? What kind of example are you setting? And then you're slapping and spitting on him and he's pushing and choking you. Again, what kind of example are you setting for the kids?

If one of you would just think before engaging and escalating things, maybe you can get along better with each other. You're both in the wrong, and maybe you guys can't live together. But if one of you can control your temper, you can have a better home life.

Otherwise, the above posts have some good suggestions, one of them being moving out and another getting an abortion so you don't have to see this guy again. You should consider both.

You have excellent grounds for a restraining order. That would get him away from you and out of the apartment. Since you have that option as a well as friends and family, the last resort is domestic violence shelters which are only temporary solutions.

Do not bother contacting his ex or any agencies regarding his kids. You are not a social worker, his ex is well aware of his abusive nature and it won't change anything. All it will do however is infuriate him and put yourself in even graver danger.

Right now focus on an exit plan with your family and get a restraining order. You can't report or fix anything if you're in a coma or dead. First things first.

he grabbed me, pushed me onto the bed, and began to choke me. we just signed a year lease and have a baby on the way. I really feel stuck and helpless, but I do know I should get out. What do I do?

This maniac should be reported to the authorities for his abusive behaviour in front of such young child (imo). Who knows what he does to them when they are alone with him ... beating them, smacking etc etc. He should have supervised visits as he has major major anger issues and loses control. A very dangerous man around children, or anyone else for that matter.

I totally agree with this ^^^^ and I am so sorry for what you are going through. Yes you are both abusive to each other, but he put your life in danger by choking you. And those kids ARE in danger being around him too. When my abusive ex choked me, it forever changed how I saw him. I tried my best to forget the choking incident, but I never could forget the fact that I thought I was going to die as the seconds slowly ticked by. I was afraid of him after that incident(which is what he wanted) and the truth is, you can NEVER truly feel 100% safe again with a man that chokes you even once-- no matter how many times he apologizes for it or how you try to convince yourself that he didn't mean it. You can't forget it or unsee it in your mind. And Every time he gets angry, that choking incident will flash in your memory. Something to think about if you decide to reconcile with him.

If you file a police report on him for choking you (which you should) then take it to your landlord, you may be able to get out of the lease for safety purposes. He may one day snap( if you go back to him) and the abuse needs to be documented. Y'all are not good for each other. Take time to heal from the toxicity, have the baby and get yourself grounded. There are plenty of good men out there that WILL genuinely love and respect YOU and your baby too. No matter how mad he gets, a GOOD man wont put a hand on you because he is wise and mature enough to 1)leave until things cool off 2)wise enough to know he can REALLY hurt you physically AND then himself by going to jail after the fact 3) he knows that leading by example and exercising self control and extreme restraint is what really makes him a man and no woman will make him step out of character.

I NEVER knew men like that ^^ existed in 40 years until one crossed my path recently. Changed my whole life--- and my perspective on love and relationships. Good luck and stay safe!!!

First and foremost, this guy has got some serious anger management issues he's gotta address. However, he also very likely needs to not be with someone who's you, or just as likely with no one at all. Whether he's got significant anger issues or he's a token abuser depends on the details. Disproportionately retaliating when you've slapped him after he told you that you look fat in a dress (not that you'd have the right to) is quite different from starting fights while he's got his children for visitation, attempting to kick him out of his own home, continuing fights once he's displayed emotional duress (striking objects-- albeit something he likewise has no right to do), closing him into his own room and physically imposing yourself on him by obstructing his egress, and then initiating the physical escalation with him. That sounds like a perfect storm small enough you should be even accidentally side-stepping it.

I don't know what this "bad morning" means, but my hunch is there's likely a reason that detail was quickly glossed over. Nothing in your post indicates you had any genuine desire to deescalate this conflict-- it would appear quite the opposite. And with the amount of animals posing as men out there, I think you're quite lucky all of this went down and you're still well enough to be posting, which I'm quite thankful for.

I think this incident has made it quite clear that, for any way you want to split the culpability, you two can't coexist under the same roof-- not as who you both are right now. Unfortunately, I'm not sure there are any easy solutions right now, but finding alternative housing arrangements, whether with family or friends or even a women's shelter would probably be your best first step. I'm sorry to say, but you need to be mentally preparing yourself for a long and arduous challenge in securing a resolution for yourself and your future child.

Well said jman.