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Urgent:Just found out my girlfriend has been lying about her age for over a year


Algos

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Hi all new here, and registered to seek advice. (It's kind of urgent as see her tonight and need to bring this up, hence posting in two sub-forums)

 

As the title says, found out yesterday (by chance) that my girlfriend of 14 months is 58 instead of 52; I'm 52 myself.

 

First, her actual age makes no difference to me. We met on-line and my lower limit on age was 45 upper 57 (±6 years my age at the time), she listed her age as 51. She knows age is no thing to me, and she could easily pass for 40 (people say I could as well). Many times she had an opportunity to tell me, such as around her birthday after we had been seeing each other 9 months is one.

 

What bothers me is not her actual age, or that a woman would lie about such a thing (I understand the cruel cut offs of internet dating) but that she has had to actively work to cover it up. In fact at this very moment she is on a trip, which she told me was a get together some old girlfriends from high school just put together. In reality it is her 40th high school reunion. I spoke with her last night and she actively lied about things to cover up this was a reunion.

 

This is all very disconcerting to me.

 

I want to forgive and forget, but also need to feel that I can trust her. If she lied about this for so long, and so easily, and looking back her kids (all adults) covered for her as I've joked in their presence a couple times she is younger than me (by about a month with her fictitious age), I think I reasonably should be concerned.

 

What I'm concerned about? That she could be cheating on me, or who knows what. I think that would be tough given how much we see each other, but clearly she is pretty good about covering up a lie and there are some things (when looked through a distrustful lens) that give me pause.

 

I want to forgive and forget IF she lets me look at her calls, texts, e-mails, and yet to be deactivated dating accounts. If all is good there I will forgive her and continue to trust her. (Don't read too much into the active dating accounts, the auto-renewed on me as well, and at least one I can "check" and see she hasn't been on for a long time.)

 

What I'm hoping people can help me with:

 

(1) Is what I am asking of her (to look at her phone and computer to know) reasonable? I'm willing to let her do the same on my electronics.

 

(2) If you are a woman and have done this, were you also lying about anything else important? Can you share with me your thoughts so I can feel comfortable fully trusting her again?

 

 

 

I've been through and seen a lot of in life, in the grand scheme this is not so big IF this is all there is. I get how people can dig themselves in a hole when they lie, and the cover-up ends up being worse than the lie.

 

And this is somewhat urgent as I pick her up from the airport tonight.

 

Algos

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OP, the lying is a pattern, and these are not big things. I would wonder what else she is covering up, which is more significant.

 

No, no, no! "I want to forgive and forget IF she lets me look at her calls, texts, e-mails, and yet to be deactivated dating accounts" If things get to the point of being a detective, there is no relationship.

 

Time to plan an exit. No trust, no relationship.

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OP, the lying is a pattern, and these are not big things. I would wonder what else she is covering up, which is more significant.

 

No, no, no! "I want to forgive and forget IF she lets me look at her calls, texts, e-mails, and yet to be deactivated dating accounts" If things get to the point of being a detective, there is no relationship.

 

Time to plan an exit. No trust, no relationship.

 

Thanks HollyJ

 

Going to delete this thread from here (if I can) so not to have a duplicate thread

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How did you find out it was her 40th highschool reunion, OP?

 

I ask because you want to make darn sure you have accurate facts before you confront her. It sounds as though you have legitimate reason to believe she lied, I concede, but please make sure you've got all the information correct.

 

If you are in fact right, I would strongly reconsider the relationship. 14 months is a long time to pull off a lie like this, where other people (her children) seem to be helping her do so. I think you are right to be very concerned that she could easily lie about other things too.

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How did you find out it was her 40th highschool reunion, OP?

 

I ask because you want to make darn sure you have accurate facts before you confront her. It sounds as though you have legitimate reason to believe she lied, I concede, but please make sure you've got all the information correct.

 

If you are in fact right, I would strongly reconsider the relationship. 14 months is a long time to pull off a lie like this, where other people (her children) seem to be helping her do so. I think you are right to be very concerned that she could easily lie about other things too.

 

Hi MissCanuck,

I agree 100% I was looking up an award she had got in high school which she told me about, just out of curiosity since one of my own kids is kind of interested in such things. One of those internet searches you do to kill time while waiting. Found three newspapers articles (full images of the pages actually) from 1977 given her name, home town and age of 17. So then I recall the night before she left, one of her sons (we were all out for dinner together) mentioned the trip as a 40th reunion. I thought he was just off on dates (he is kind of that way) and corrected him. So I just searched her home town and reunion. The reunion page popped right up, found her in the list of paid attendees, found that the venues and activities she talked about were all part of the reunion, found a picture of her at the 30th reunion.

 

I really am looking for a way to re-build trust here. I am well aware of how hard it is for a 57 year old woman (her real age when we met) to find a relationship with a guy less the 60+. Men my own age are all seeking the 30 something, younger men who date older women are almost always in it just for the sex. She would not be the first woman I met on-line who shaved some years from her profile, and I hear it is common. Could it just be that she was afraid I would dump her if I found out? Then it got to a point where she was in deep and didn't know what to do?

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Thnx Holls. He deleted the info from his original post on *this* thread too though, so there is nothing to read and respond to.

 

Oh well.

 

Best of luck OP, hope y'all can work it out.

I put it back in but now it is on the second page....and can't edit my original post anymore :(

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I realize you want to rebuild trust, but I would be very concerned that she has lied about other things too. I would not assume everything else she has told you is entirely accurate, unfortunately.

 

Maybe she was embarrassed and shaved off some years, but letting it get this far is a red flag. She let you find out on your own rather than being honest and coming to you to own. Or perhaps she's got some other reason for lying about it. I would be concerned about how far she'd have let this lie go before coming clean. The more serious you get, the less she'd be able to conceal something like that.

 

I would have a conversation with her tonight, and ask her how her trip was. Ask her what she did; see if she says anything about the reunion. Tell her that value honesty, and since you would like to be able to trust her, ask her if there's anything she needs to tell you about herself. She will surely know what you're talking about, so give her the chance to admit it. She might. If she doesn't, explain what you discovered and ask her to explain to you what the lie is about.

 

EDIT: If you need to make more adjustments to your threads/posts, ask a moderator to do it. It creates too much confusion if you're deleting and reposting yourself.

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I realize you want to rebuild trust, but I would be very concerned that she has lied about other things too. I would not assume everything else she has told you is entirely accurate, unfortunately.

 

Maybe she was embarrassed and shaved off some years, but letting it get this far is a red flag. She let you find out on your own rather than being honest and coming to you to own. Or perhaps she's got some other reason for lying about it. I would be concerned about how far she'd have let this lie go before coming clean. The more serious you get, the less she'd be able to conceal something like that.

 

I would have a conversation with her tonight, and ask her how her trip was. Ask her what she did; see if she says anything about the reunion. Tell her that value honesty, and since you would like to be able to trust her, ask her if there's anything she needs to tell you about herself. She will surely know what you're talking about, so give her the chance to admit it. She might. If she doesn't, explain what you discovered and ask her to explain to you what the lie is about.

 

Thanks MissCanuck, that's good advice....just hope a moderator can reinsert my original post at the top

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Hi Algos, thank you for re-posting.

 

When I first started reading that she shaved her age by only five years, I was gonna advise to let it go, it was only five years and yeah she lied to increase her options among the men in the age range she prefers.

 

Nothing malicious or sinister about that BUT, after a time, like after a few dates, she really should have told you the truth. My goodness, it's only five years. If it had been 10-20 years, then yeah that's a problem!

 

That's not what she did though. Instead she continued the original lie and even compounded it by adding more lies to cover up the original lie!

 

This is troubling; on its face almost sounds pathological.

 

Tough decision, gotta say I am not quite sure how I would handle it, it would depend on how committed you are and how strong the connection is.

 

How has everything else been going? Any reason to suspect she has lied about anything else not related to this?

 

Edit: agree with MsCanuck, talk to her tonight! Don't keep this in, it will fester within causing even more problems.

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Hi Algos, thank you for re-posting.

 

When I first started reading that she shaved her age by only five years, I was gonna advise to let it go, it was only five years and yeah she lied to increase her options among the men in the age range she prefers.

 

Nothing malicious or sinister about that BUT, after a time, like after a few dates, she really should have told you truth.

 

Instead she continued the original lie and even compounded it by adding more lies to cover up the original lie!

 

Covering up didn't require much effort. Her birthday, well a very busy time for her and like me at some point (past 50?) they are not such a big deal. This trip to her reunion she was honest in part, just omitted a material fact.

 

 

This is troubling; on its face almost sounds pathological.

 

I'm fairly certain she is not pathological liar, I've come across a few of those in my life.

 

 

Tough decision, gotta say I am not quite sure how I would handle it, it would depend on how committed you are and how strong the connection is.

Good question, I'm very committed, and believe she is as well (now of course there is doubt) and the connection is strong in ways that are not faked/can be verified by objective evidence.

 

 

 

How has everything else been going? Any reason to suspect she has lied about anything else not related to this?

 

Are there other issues

Generally good. We do talk openly about everything (or so I believed). I don't know about other lies, if I disbelieve everything then maybe. I have my own trust issues for a horrible marriage. She has some issues from losing her husband, who was her high school sweetheart and the love of her life, to a tragic accident. She says I'm the first relationship (not the first guy she's dated) since then, so part of the reluctance I feel on her part at times (not that often) I attribute to that.
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Asking to look thru her phone or anything else is far too nosey.

 

Yes you should talk to her and ask her why she lied about her age. I am very sensitive about my age tho I dont lie, I evade, change the subject, let people think what they want. I am a bit older than your gf. Women dont generally like getting older so I can see why she would lie, but that doesnt make it right, and I think it's quite a stretch for you to think she may be cheating on you.

 

A serious conversation with her is in order.

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