What to do with a bossy girlfriend?

I met this girl in Europe about 9 years ago and she is super fun and great, but there is just one thing - she is bossy, inflexible, and flaky.

She expects every guy or girl to do whatever she says, whenever she says....If you suggest something she will automatically say NO!

Things got a bit too far after I cancelled going to my Christmas work party when she told me she was flying in from Norway, had only 1 day to hang out, and was bringing a super nice birthday gift for me. That night she didn't show up or answer anyone's calls, ended up in a hotel room with her ex who ended up 'using' her, and I didn't get any birthday gift (probably gave it to him).

Last week she said she would be in my city and said on Friday we will be doing XYZ. Before I even responded I told my friends who were with me, "Watch this. As soon as I mention an idea she will say NO! and get upset." We in fact did have plans to go to this wine festival and as soon as I told her this and she is more than welcome to join.....well you can image what happened.

Yesterday she called me 5 times and sent tons of text messages for me to go out and meet her. I was a bit tired so I suggested she come here and we meet up for coffee or I would even have her and her friends come stop by for some wine and drinks before they go out to the town.....and yet again....she says NO!

This morning she has called me and sent more messages for me to go meet her at XYZ coffee shop. I can guarantee that if I suggest something else, she will just say NO!

Last month I suggested we meet up at this coffee place close to me and she said "NO. It's too far." even though it is a 5 minute cab ride....

It is getting super annoying. I told her the other day that friendships must go two ways and there needs to be sometimes COMPROMISES, not her dictate everything....She argued and then apologized and said I was right.

I'm not hesitant to respond and just hear her turn down any suggestion I have because she is used to getting almost everything she wants.

I don't want to block her either because that would be a bit mean, but she keeps on calling me and writing me non stop.....gosh

This post is super confusing. Is she your girlfriend? Or just a friend? It honestly sounds like you like her and want more from her but she is just a friend.

Flakiness is never ok. And if she IS your girlfriend and she cheated on you on your birthday, that is that. You break up with her and never see her again. If she is only a friend and you had no discussion about exclusivity, there is probably room for forgiveness in there seeing as she was only in town a short time.

In terms of the rest, no offense, but you sound a bit bitter and like you are looking for validation. If she is flying thousands of miles to be in your town - and she is with friends - she is certainly entitled to some bossiness in terms of where, when and how you meet. I’m sure her friends have close to zero interest in seeing you (not that they don’t like you but it’s their vacation or whatever and they don’t know you so they certainly won’t want to travel to you or do what you want to do). She travelled thousands of miles. You can travel the last 10 miles or so if you want to see her.

I think maybe we need more context about your relationship and how often she visits, etc.

... but at the end of the day, if someone is bossy like that, all you can do is hold your ground and let them decide if their way is more important or if seeing you is more important.

... but if she is with friends, and especially if she is not your girlfriend, i’m pretty sure you are going to lose that battle (and rightly so)

She is just a friend. I just don't understand how someone can be so bossy, try and dictate everything, and throw temper tantrums if you do not comply, and blow up your phone...

She only recently moved away and has been like this for the last 7 years.....And no, she didn't come here with any friends. I'm good friends with her girlfriends...

I just don't like making time for people that are flaky, bossy, demanding, not willing to compromise, ever.

Anyway, thanks for your response :) I just decided I would rather surround myself with more positive people and live a drama-free life.

That’s a good idea to just spend your time with those that bring in a positive light. She sounds selfish to have it always be her way!

I wondered what would have happened if you had said no.

I just don't understand how someone can be so bossy, try and dictate everything, and throw temper tantrums if you do not comply, and blow up your phone...

Because you put up with it.

Because you put up with it.

I agree. Why do you allow people to do this to you!

You are both right. People only treat you the way you let them. Anyways, I'm just going to cut all ties with this person until she can be more nice....

You are both right. People only treat you the way you let them. Anyways, I'm just going to cut all ties with this person until she can be more nice....

Good for you.

Here's the only flaw: She won't "become" more nice. She'll "act" nice, but mean, demanding, and bossy is who she is. She will "act" nice to reel you back in, and once you're back in, bossy demanding beyotch comes back out.

Best, though I know it's hard: block every possible method of access she has to you. I know you won't do it, but you need to. Mother LHGirl is telling you to.

troo2,

Have you looked up cluster B personality disorders? It includes borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, it may explain a lot. With her attitude she sounds like executive suit material. :)

She might be a lot of fun now and then but this is definitely diva territory and that rarely changes. What happens if you stand up to her?

I just don't like making time for people that are flaky, bossy, demanding, not willing to compromise, ever.

Sounds like this friendship is reduced to a standoff where you've turned the tables and no matter what she suggests, you want her to ditch her idea and replace it with yours.

That's a big nowhere, so what's the point, really?

Sounds like this friendship is reduced to a standoff where you've turned the tables and no matter what she suggests, you want her to ditch her idea and replace it with yours.

 

That's a big nowhere, so what's the point, really?

I thought I was the only one who saw it this way.

Now people are bringing in cluster b narcissism so Im out!

She might be a lot of fun now and then but this is definitely diva territory and that rarely changes. What happens if you stand up to her?

Thanks for your reply. If you stand up to her she yells, blows up your phone, and throws a tantrum. I definitely think you are correct in that she is a narcissist and this is something I thought of myself.

Last time we were all out I stopped to get some pizza on the way home and she says, "What are you going to buy me?"

She always would ask for money and never return anything. I lent her 70 dollars for a concert. She never returned a penny. I have always bought her drinks when we are out and in the last 5 years she has never bought me a single beer.

She would invite me over to her place, tell me to pick up cigarettes or wine for her, and then kick me out after 20 minutes because her ex was coming over....That happened twice....

So after all that and also being talked into ditching my work party for her and she didn't even have the respect to give a notice and kept me waiting all night pretty much, I just decided to change the mindset in that I will no longer go and run and do whatever she demands, but she will have to at least once go out of her way and meet me somewhere to show she is at least willing to go the little extra effort and earn my friendship back....

I really do think she is self-absorbed and I even remember last year she laughed at a homeless person to his face. I actually told her that was not appropriate and didn't want to see her really after that....

But she would keep on blowing up my phone....never "suggesting" where to go...but demanding....

Anyways, I did decide to just block this person. I have never came across anyone like that in my entire life. Oh well.

I know you won't do it, but you need to. Mother LHGirl is telling you to.

Thanks Mother LHGirl I took your advice ;)

You should tell her flat out you don't like her being flaky (in a nice way). My friend did this until I told her it pissed me off. She hasn't done it since.