I don't know what to do

This post could be as well under "breaking up" or "healing after break up".

So, I try to sum the situation up in few words:

We got to know each other on a dating site, about a year ago, her from the USA and I from Germany. First we sent some messages back and forth, then emails, then voice chat, then video chat. As the emails got too long for us (as we both got jobs and not a lot of spare time) we recorded voice messages instead, as those are more conveniently to record and listen to than emails (and more personal). During the holidays we sometimes video chatted for 8 hours with nearly no breaks. We watched films together (watching the same film while also video chatting), made lists of things to do once we'd meet, and so on. We had so much in common, it was eerie. For example, we both don't wear a lot of jewellery, but we had a ring of exactly the same (rather extravagant and rarely seen) style. Sometimes she suggested flying over to Germany for a weekend all of a sudden, but I suggested to instead plan it a bit more, so that we can spend a bit more time together without the huge costs of such a spontaneous flight. So we planned, and I visited her in March.

We first spent some days in Seattle, then went hiking and rented cabins in the PNW area and then spent a couple of days at her home. The thing was: our communication didn't work that well. I'm not sure why. I think it was the combination of both of us being quite introverted while being aware that we have only a limited amount of time, so we felt a bit pushed. Here is an example of a communication mistake (of course this is just my view): she kept often saying that she always forgets her stuff, and then it happened, she forgot her purse at a restaurant. We got the purse back the next day, but I still was a bit annoyed by myself, because she had said she keeps forgetting stuff, so I could have paid some attention to. So the next time we left a restaurant I asked her whether she got everything, and the next day I learned that this was the wrong approach. She said that she doesn't need me to take care of her, and if I'd need somebody to take care of this wouldn't work. So... I was a bit shocked by that, because I just wanted to be helpful.

Or, as another example, we walked through the city one morning, and I was in vacation mode and was just talking about what I was thinking about. For example I wondered aloud why some of the street signs were differently formatted than the others. And she turned around, and told me that I should stop asking her questions of which I knew she wouldn't know the answer, and she seemed very upset and angry about that. And again I was surprised and a bit shocked, because I didn't expect her to know all that, and I never wanted to annoy her, but I just wanted to share what I was thinking about. Then I remembered that she had said earlier often enough that she doesn't like talking before she had her coffee, and we were just on our way to the breakfast place, so I was also a bit annoyed by myself, for having talked that much when she wasn't in the mood. So I thought it would be best to be quiet until we had the breakfast, for us to calm down emotionally, and for her to get her coffee, but that was wrong too as she later said that I don't talk when I don't know what to do.

Nearly done with the examples. Once she asked me to make a shopping list and she mentioned "s'mores". I didn't know what that was, so I asked her, and she said slightly annoyed that she had told me that already another time. So I apologized for forgetting and asked again, and she replied with "you don't have to know, just write it down", which, to me, was quite an insult. And as last example: later she was once inviting friends over, and she was super stressed because she rarely does so, and wanted to cook fancy food. I didn't know my place around in her kitchen, but wanted to help, so I cut some vegetables, but had the feeling of being constantly in the way. So at some point I took a book and sat down in sight to read, so that we could still talk without me being in the way, but she also took offense to that in some way.

We also had nice moments. Nice restaurants visits, good talks and so on. Time we spent just on the couch reading, cuddling and whatnot. But also, the more the vacation went on, the more careful I got, because I had the feeling that she had very specific expectations that I was constantly failling, and I didn't want to annoy her. Her being quite sensitive too probably took me becoming more careful also the wrong way.

Anyway, I went back to Germany when the vacation was over, and for a while things were still good. We talked and chatted, she mentioned according to her I could basically move to the USA and move in at her place right away. But things had also changed a bit. She didn't want to be intimate anymore, saying that now that she met me in person just talking wouldn't do it anymore, while before we met she highly enjoyed that. She wanted to get away from the city she lived in, searched for a new job, and I tried my best to support as far as that's possible, also writing her a physical letter expressing my support and whatnot, which she loved. Then she mentioned that she'd need soon some hiking just by herself. That she had the feeling to have to decide between me and her job, as she couldn't really handle both with the little time she got. That she got the feeling that she had to focus more on the city she lived in (where she moved to just a couple years ago) to get to know more people, and focus on things there. By then we considered each other a couple. And I thought that if she needs some distance, then that's ok, because how can a relationship be strong if you can't handle some distance? So we talked less often. But that was a misunderstanding from my part. She didn't want more distance, she just wanted to tell me her thoughts. My mistake. My attempt to give her more her-time she perceived as me not supporting her anymore. It took a while until we cleared up that misunderstanding, but then she didn't want to voice chat or video chat anymore, or even text chat. She insisted on just mailing, as this would allow her to put her thoughts into words more carefully. Of course we then did that, but I also mentioned that with English not being my native language, I tend to misunderstand it if I just got words. That I need cues like facial expression and the way you pronounce things to understand things correctly, especially when it's about important subjects. But she insisted that mails were for the best. So we did that. I missed her terribly during that time, and she was unhappy too.

Then at some point she agreed to a video chat. It was from her workplace (on a weekend when nobody else was there) but her phone was running low on battery so we didn't have a lot of time. And she said that currently, with her trying to find a new job and everything, she had the feeling of not being able to handle the emotional stress of the relationship while also having difficult times in her life. And she said that she needed a break to fix things in her life first. I couldn't really argue here. I tried to express that I think we could just clear things up, unravel misunderstandings and so on. But I didn't want to force her. She was crying, the battery was about to run out, so... that was that.

We still got each other on Facebook and Skype. We didn't chat though. I didn't want to start talking to her, as she requested distance, and I didn't want to feel like a stalker who couldn't accept that. Sometimes she liked my posts, sometimes I liked hers. But I missed her a lot. And whenever I saw a new entry or post of hers, I missed her more. After six weeks or a month or so of enduring that, I decided to write her a mail. I tried to tell her that I'd like to try things again, but if she wouldn't like to give our relationship another try, then I could accept that as well, and that either would be better than the current situation. I didn't put it like that, I tried to word it more carefully and such. I sent her the mail two weeks ago or so and she hasn't replied.

Now, I don't know what she thinks. I don't know what she wants. I don't know what she feels. I still see her on Facebook, online and her posts. And it depresses me, and makes me sad, and I miss her, and I want to fix things and talk and I think back on all the plans we had and everything. But I had already sent her the mail... I feel like that if I message her, then I disregard her request for distance, and I feel like some kind of stalker. But I also dislike the current situation. I dislike being constantly reminded of her when she posts something, which just result in me missing her more. But as I dislike the current situation, and I can't (or wouldn't want to) force a relationship, then it seems that the only option is to cut all ties, remove her from my Facebook and Skype friends list. But I'm stupid and naive. I don't know what she thinks. Does she miss me? She surely doesn't hate me, otherwise I wouldn't be on her friends lists anymore. But am I now just some memory from the past? Or what does she think? I don't know. And I can't find out without messaging her, but don't want to do that for the aforementioned reasons. I feel somewhat trapped in this situation. But cutting all ties... it seems like quite a step, considering I don't know what she thinks.

So, I don't know what to do. Write her another mail or message her? But that, as said, seems stupid and creepy. She requested distance, she didn't reply to my mail. So it seems that she doesn't want to talk. But without talking to her I don't know what she thinks. And without knowing what she thinks I think it's also stupid to just remove her from all those lists and attempt to remove her from my present life. But I don't know for how much longer I should wait, as the current situation is quite painful to me.

I know this is a huge amount of text, but... Well, I don't know what to do. I thought about just casually messaging her, in the likes of "Hey, how are you", and... if she doesn't even reply to that, then I take the according steps. But that also feels a bit like blackmail. In the likes of "talk to me or I kill all chances for things to develop more positively in future".

I don't know...

Sorry to hear this. When cyber "relationships" go on this long and a fantasy of a person is built up in your mind, the in-person real-life person can be a disappointment compared to the cyber "relationship" and all that is imagined and built up in your mind. At least it was a nice trip to the US and an adventure.

Oh, boy. Like Wiseman2 said, a real-life relationship often doesn't live up to a fantasy relationship. Also, from what you've described, I would say she's emotionally controlling and manipulative. She's purposely keeping you off-balance with her ever-changing moods and making you think that it's your communication skills that are at fault. No, she's 100% at fault. I think she's emotionally abusive and there's nothing you can do or change that would please her. It's also possible that she's suffering from bipolar disorder, or at least depression, which would account for her lack of politeness and her craziness.

You know, I think the relationship, whatever you had, is over. Find a nice fraulein in the city where you live. You don't have to travel 8,000 km to find a girlfriend.