Why do men go between women?

I don't think I have posted in the correct forum, so I apologise if I am in the wrong place. I just could not see where this thread would fit in to.

I have been seeing a man recently as friends with benefits. I am in my early 30's and he is in his mid 40's. He has been single 4 year and admitted he slept around at the start of his break up but told me he had changed. We both made it clear from meeting a few months ago that it would be just friend's with benefits since neither of us wanted anything serious. We both wanted the same thing, loyalty and honesty with the benefits. He even told me he is not capable of love as he emotionally unavailable. I got the impression he was a bit of a player but when asking if he was sleeping with others, he would deny it and say I was enough for him - there is no need to go else where.

He would ghost me then come back when he wanted one thing so he wasn't interested in the friend's part of it, just the benefits. It did make me wonder if he is seeing other women when he is ghosting and coming back when he wants his fix or when his other offers aren't available. I had no proof and was thinking that it's just me, that I have trust issues since being cheated on in my last relationship. However my gut instinct was right. If something doesn't feel right, it's not. I ended it with him over one month ago, I had sent him a text saying I am too old for these games and he is not what I am after. Fast forward to now. I have found out about another woman he has been seeing at the same time as me (one of many), we have compared messages and it turns out he had met us both the same day, and continued to go between us even sleeping with us both on the same day over the last few months. He had said the same to both of us that we are his only one and no need for anyone else, we are enough for him... The lies to get sex! I am not so much hurt or upset, I am just mad at myself for falling for all of this and going near him. My gut instinct was right from the start and I wish I had listened to it. The other lady was strung along worse than me, she was made to believe it would go somewhere other than dates and sex. He was honest with me about not wanting a relationship... but I think that was because I said I didn't want anything serious. If I said I wanted more he would have pretended he did too just to get what he wanted, sex!

This is a 45 year old man and I expected him to be grown up, not go on like a sex crazed teenager. He played the game well and came across so honest and genuine, even the other lady said the same. She stopped seeing him over a month ago too but has confronted him about this, She told him he played the game well. He tried to deny sleeping with me/anyone else but she had seen my messages off him (I had kept the lot - no reason to delete them) which was all the proof she needed. She stopped seeing him as she too got the impression he was seeing others. Always go with your gut instinct! He is now calling me a psycho for finding out about the other women. He is trying to turn blame to make him look like the victim.

I have started this thread as I would love to know why men this age go on like this. Why do they need more than one woman to fill their need? It is an issue with self worth and insecurity? It has made me so un-trusting of men. I know they aren't all the same but it's very hard to filter out these awful men when they all come across so honest and genuine. It seems to me this man has never got over his ex wife off 4 year ago so is going with as many women as he can to feel worthy. I and the other women noticed he spoke about his ex wife all the time (pillow talk too), trying to make on she was the one with the issues etc. He seems to me like he has narcissist traits, always blaming the women for his wrong doing.

He told you from the get go that he was unavailable emotionally and it was just sex. Why did you choose not to believe him? We have to have ownership of some of our own situations . When somebody tells you exactly what they are it’s probably best for you to believe them. And it’s not just men who act like that there are plenty of women who do this too.

He told you from the get go that he was unavailable emotionally and it was just sex. Why did you choose not to believe him? We have to have ownership of some of our own situations . When somebody tells you exactly what they are it’s probably best for you to believe them. And it’s not just men who act like that there are plenty of women who do this too.

Yes, he did tell me from the start that he is emotionally unavailable. That isn't the issue. The problem is he had other women on the go at the same time, stringing those other women along making them believe is it going to go somewhere. None of us knew about each other and if we had we would have ended it sooner. I would not have gone near him if I knew for sure he was sleeping around. He told us we were his only one, enough for him, no need to go else where etc. It's the lies and deceit to get sex.

I am not saying women don't act like this. I am sure women do too. I am just speaking from my experience with men.

Well, emotionally unavailable and FWB just screams to me there are other people.

He knew from the start I didn't want a relationship so he suggested 'loyal' friend's with benefits. All I expected was loyalty and honesty, not going with many others and back again. He told me he is emotionally unavailable but I think he only said that because I made it clear I wasn't looking for a relationship. He made on to the other women he was looking for more. So it seems to me he is going along with them and lying, just to get sex.

In the last month or two he has now found himself a girlfriend, she was probably another that was on the scene at the same time as me and the other women. An emotionally unavailable man that has been sleeping around with multiple women for 4 year won't suddenly change overnight and wake up wanting a relationship.. it was only a few weeks ago he had sent a message to the other woman saying he is on the swingers website again so the relationship can't be off to a good start.

I couldn't imagine him being the relationship type, he doesn't seem capable of love, never mind respect and honesty. It seems like he has issues with self worth so needs attention off different women to make him feel wanted.

I should have ran when he told me his ex wife was a psycho. She wouldn't have been a psycho when he met her, he wouldn't have married her otherwise. So what did he do to turn her into a psycho. She probably found out he was messing around and when she called him out he turns the blame. Just like what he has done to me, I am now the psycho as I found out about the other women.

Exclusivity is for relationships only and not sex-with-no-strings-attached-friendships.

I personally wouldn't think it would be fair to tell someone they are not allowed to see anyone else while you are just friends and not committed to each other.

Exclusivity is for relationships only and not sex-with-no-strings-attached-friendships.

 

I personally wouldn't think it would be fair to tell someone they are not allowed to see anyone else while you are just friends and not committed to each other.

I understand what you are saying and do agree to a point but when both agree that is it loyal friends with benefits, no one else, then that's what it should be. There shouldn't be any need to lie, if one finds someone else then it ends. If I knew he was looking or going else where then I would not have got involved as I don't want to be involved with a man that is sleeping around.

I don't use dating sites but I know many that do and a lot seem to think that they can only date one person at a time. There is no exclusivity so you are free to date others but I think if you are sleeping with one then you shouldn't be dating the others. This is just my opinion, I don't agree with sleeping around. This man is all over the dating sites, another thing he lied to me about. And he on the swingers website (shocked me!) so I am sure he has a lot more partners than what I have been told about. The issue is that he is lying to us to get sex. We have fallen for it as he came across so honest and genuine. Although my gut instinct told me otherwise, which is why I ended it.

Exclusivity is for relationships only and not sex-with-no-strings-attached-friendships.

 

I personally wouldn't think it would be fair to tell someone they are not allowed to see anyone else while you are just friends and not committed to each other.

Exactly. In it's my understanding that FWB/ F*ck buddy situations are only successful when both know the boundaries and that includes not trying to back door relationship the other person which lets be honest is what you were doing.

You played the role of someone looking for no strings attached sex and when you got it, you're mad.

You gotta own your part on this Is it skeezy to sleep with 2 women in one day? Yeah it's pretty gross. But you wanted a non committed relationship and this is the risk of that.

Be honest with yourself. You aren't a hook up girl so stop trying to backdoor relationship these dudes and show them your worth from the start. they're either on board or they aren't and if they aren't you keep moving.

He's far from a narcissist, it's gross he's plowing through women like that, but it doesn't make him a narcissist

I understand what you are saying and do agree to a point but when both agree that is it loyal friends with benefits, no one else, then that's what it should be. There shouldn't be any need to lie, if one finds someone else then it ends. If I knew he was looking or going else where then I would not have got involved as I don't want to be involved with a man that is sleeping around.

 

I don't use dating sites but I know many that do and a lot seem to think that they can only date one person at a time. There is no exclusivity so you are free to date others but I think if you are sleeping with one then you shouldn't be dating the others. This is just my opinion, I don't agree with sleeping around. This man is all over the dating sites, another thing he lied to me about. And he on the swingers website (shocked me!) so I am sure he has a lot more partners than what I have been told about. The issue is that he is lying to us to get sex. We have fallen for it as he came across so honest and genuine. Although my gut instinct told me otherwise, which is why I ended it.

And it's perfectly ok to have certain boundaries. Even with purely sexual relationships. But you didn't do that. You let him tell you some pretty words and honestly I think he told you he didn't want a relationship so you went along, found out you were one of many and now he is being exclusive to one so you're upset. Which is understandable, but again, own your part. You can't get burned by the stove if you don't touch it.

I think that you should get yourself checked for diseases and stay away from FWB's, since nothing good ever comes out of those types of relationships. They are always fraughted with lies and deceit and someone always end up getting hurt.

He didn't play any games. You were FWB. He told you he wasn't capable of anything emotional. I don;t understand why you did this in the first place?

You were the game changer, and have no right to be upset. He is not a narcissist.

Next time, don't do a FWB. Lesson learned.

Well, emotionally unavailable and FWB just screams to me there are other people.

Yup!!!!!!!!!

Hope you used condoms!

I am not upset over him, not one bit. He wasn't relationship material for me and I am happy single. I just fell for the lies and mad at myself for doing so. He lied to me to get what he wanted. he knew I wasn't the hook up type so he suggested 'loyal' friends with benefits. He was the one who set the rules of not sleeping with others, when he was doing so all along. I and the other women were on the scene long before this new woman (girlfriend) came along. She only appeared around 4 - 8 weeks ago so possibly when he was seeing us too. I am not upset he has found someone, shocked maybe as he doesn't come across as relationship material. and from how he has been going on with us I wouldn't expect him to have changed over night for this woman. I got rid of him over a month ago, before I even knew about the others he had been sleeping with. I have not even confronted him about this either. He is blocked on everything.

I have been tested, so has the other ladies and we are just waiting for results to come back. I'm not the type to sleep around, if I was I would have been more careful and used protection. I trusted this man didn't have any others on the go and he didn't seem the type to sleep around so I was not careful with him. He is the one sleeping around and he doesn't seem bothered what he can catch or pass around as he was not careful with any of us. He didn't even ask us if we were on birth control either.

You didn't know this guy and were in a FWB. I wouldn't expect much in a situation like this.

Get tested in another 6 months.

Eh, I mean, he told you from the get go that he was just looking for the benefits and that he wasn't capable of emotionally committing. From that perspective, it's not surprising to me that he was seeing other women on the side and not telling you about them.

"He would ghost me then come back when he wanted one thing so he wasn't interested in the friend's part of it, just the benefits. It did make me wonder if he is seeing other women when he is ghosting and coming back when he wants his fix or when his other offers aren't available."

Your instincts were right on!

I hope you were using a condom with him the entire time. If not, please go get yourself to the doctor for a checkup ASAP. (Edited to add: I see that you have and are waiting for the test results.)

You didn't use protection? You slept with every partner he has ever had, not his just his current. You should ALWAYS use protection, even with people you know well. There is so much info about STIs and people still have unsafe sex. I don't get it. Birth control is also your responsibility.

I have been tested, so has the other ladies and we are just waiting for results to come back. I'm not the type to sleep around, if I was I would have been more careful and used protection. I trusted this man didn't have any others on the go and he didn't seem the type to sleep around so I was not careful with him. He is the one sleeping around and he doesn't seem bothered what he can catch or pass around as he was not careful with any of us. He didn't even ask us if we were on birth control either.

You might not be the type to sleep around, but he sure is. I don't follow your thinking on that, to be honest, assuming that you don't need protection because you don't sleep around. I also don't know what exactly you mean by him not seeming the type to sleep around, but I generally assume that some guy I don't know well who doesn't bother with protection and isn't concerned about birth control is not the type of guy I can trust. His lack of discretion about both condoms and contraception should have had alarm bells clanging in your mind.

If nothing else, please be smarter about your health in the future. You took some serious risks here, and hopefully, you don't learn the hard way that you cannot throw caution to the wind like this.

I met this man in Feb and I am very shocked to know what I know now. He puts on a very good front to come across so honest and genuine. Clearly been at this game for a long time, at least 4 years. Not only is he on dating sites for hook ups, he is also on the swingers website, a site to meet for sex even with couples. Now I would not have thought he was like this at all. I would not have even gone near him never mind touched him. The only good thing that can come from this is the text from the clinic stating we are clean. It has knocked me sick since I found out he had others on the go, physically sick that I have lost my appetite through worry. I just need the results back quick to put my mind at rest. A lesson learned.

I hope that you use birth control in the future. With everyone.

It is your responsibility to protect your own body.

I hope that you use birth control in the future. With everyone.

I am on birth control, always have been.

I was just too trusting with this man and never expected him to be sleeping around so we didn't use protection. If I was sleeping around like he is doing I would certainly use protection, It turns out I have been sleeping with a man (unprotected) that has many others on the go which is worse than me sleeping around using protection! Not only is he sleeping with all these women but also their partners and previous partners too. He clearly doesn't care what he can catch and is taking huge risks.

How did you meet him?

How did you meet him?

I met him at a local bar, both sober too, not a drunken hook up.

Take it as a lesson learned.

I met him at a local bar, both sober too, not a drunken hook up.

I asked because I'm wondering why you trusted him so much. When you said "friend with benefits" I thought he was a longtime friend and you two just decided to add sex. But he was someone you met in a bar.

I don't know why you'd trust someone you met in a bar enough to forgo condoms and why you thought you could believe everything he said.