Getting Therapy to help heal my heart

[limichelle]

Three years ago I got out of a decade long relationship. He literally was the love of my life! He was the epitome of everything I seemed in a partner, attractive, intelligent, funny and he just adored me and treated me like a Queen for the first seven years!

Then he stopped all of his medication for his mental health. He became paranoid of me and relationship anxiety really bad. It was a switch and all the lights went out in my world.

For the last three years we lingered in limbo trying not to let go. He kept trying different medication to go back on. But his anxiety was getting worse. He broke up with me over email. Not a great way to end a decade long relationship. Especially when all he could write was; “Sorry I have to be on my own.”

It was understandable none the less given the circumstances.

Problem is I haven’t been on my own or let go. I dated right away right after not giving my heart time to heal.

Now I’m more overweight then I thought I would be. I’m basically eating my emotions and have been.

After that last guy now he’s finally leaving me alone. I just don’t have it in me to want to date or think about someone new.

So I’m getting therapy to help mend my broken heart and over eating. I’m hoping it will help me move on. I’m hoping it will help me lose weight and get into a better situation health wise, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

[LHGirl]

OMG, wow, that must have been so horrible to go through. Was he under his doctor's care when he stopped his medication?

Good for you for seeking therapy. It's helped me lots.

Hugs to you.

[Bun101]

I hope therapy goes well for you! Definitely give yourself time to heal, even though it's been three years, a 10 year relationship can still leave a lot of unresolved issues.

[DanZee]

Keep in mind that none of this had anything to do with you. You did nothing wrong other than to fall in love with a man who has a mental illness. I hope therapy will help. Weight Watchers can also help in making you feel more positive about yourself.

[LHGirl]

Now I’m more overweight then I thought I would be. I’m basically eating my emotions and have been.

Not sure where you live, but you might look into a therapist who can also work with eating issues, as they relate to emotions. This might even be a separate therapist from the one you're already seeing.

In my last relationship, I was stressed (I have pages about it here), and I, too, used food to cope, and I gained weight. Funny how things work out, though, as I had seen this one therapist who is part of a group, so I ended up on their group email list, and a few months ago, I received an email from one of the other therapists about a 12-week therapy group for eating issues. I kept deleting the email, but you know how those pesky things keep reappearing, so I finally joined at the last minute, and I'm now done with it.

It was truly one of the best experiences, and I'm now back to regular, normal eating (most of the time, lol), and while I haven't weighed in probably 3 months, my clothes are now super loose, so I feel like I've lost a size (I have one more size to go). It was not about any sort of diet, or weigh-in, or anything like that. It was about our emotions, and how food is our drug of choice. For me, it's sweets, for others, it's the kitchen sink. And for others, it's the control (anorexia, purging). It was about getting deep into the emotions, and how we use food to cope.

[reinventmyself]

Good for you, L
You do you for now. It will be well worth it.
Wishing you the best.

[catfeeder]

One of the things I consider to help me move forward is to look at what I wish that I HAD done for myself earlier. This isn't about regret, it's about learning and fixing what I can NOW.

So starting therapy now is a great first step. I'd avoid viewing it as something that will happen 'for' your or 'to' you, but rather come up with ways that you can get a head start to being an active participant in your own work.

What other actions do you believe you could have taken in the last three years to invest in your growth and development? Maybe you weren't ready for those actions at the time, but can you become ready now?

I'd make it a private goal to surprise everyone in my life, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce out of stagnation and build the kind of future that I envision for myself. Whether or not that includes a future lover is irrelevant at this time, but when you think of attaining the kind of home environment, job, state of health, social life, interests and passions, what kind of list can you build?

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[limichelle]

Thank you all so much!

To answer some questions:

Yes he was on medication when we met. I also have a serious mental illness and so we had that extra understanding. It’s odd because we randomly met in the college library. Not at some mental illness support group.

He came off of his medication because he thought one day he didn’t need it. He didn’t tell anybody! We went from planning a wedding too him confessing he didn’t feel right because the effects of coming off his medication were happening. The wedding planning was cancelled as he then spiraled! I was angry at him for coming off his medication. But there was nothing I could do about it. You see when you come off these meds you feel awesome for two weeks. Then it hits! Your illness becomes ten times worse!

It was like watching him turn into a vampire lol. Instead of sucking the blood out of me he sucked out so much of my emotional and mental energy.

He thought my family was poisoning him. If not poisoning then they had Ill intentions. If not them then it was I who was out to get him.

It was hard keeping myself sane let alone trying to bring him back to reality!

I realized I couldn’t do it anymore so then came the guilt. The guilt that after he sent the email that I was relieved and released from some prison of hell I had been living in.

I felt I hadn’t been there in his time of need by acceptance and just walking away.

Well not being good at being alone. I mean for a decade I had a date every weekend and a romantic best friend. I couldn’t adjust.

I talked to someone online that I only met twice in the year we had been talking. He was someone who listened and kept the lonlieness at bay. I was deluded to thinking he could fill in the gaps.

Then after him I dated local guys that were all jerks! It didn’t help my sense of picking men I realize even to this day when my heart hasn’t healed.

So yeah a lot of issues to resolve there.

Thank you all kindly for reading this and helping me out. I appreciate this!

[limichelle]

One of the things I consider to help me move forward is to look at what I wish that I HAD done for myself earlier. This isn't about regret, it's about learning and fixing what I can NOW.

So starting therapy now is a great first step. I'd avoid viewing it as something that will happen 'for' your or 'to' you, but rather come up with ways that you can get a head start to being an active participant in your own work.

What other actions do you believe you could have taken in the last three years to invest in your growth and development? Maybe you weren't ready for those actions at the time, but can you become ready now?

I'd make it a private goal to surprise everyone in my life, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce out of stagnation and build the kind of future that I envision for myself. Whether or not that includes a future lover is irrelevant at this time, but when you think of attaining the kind of home environment, job, state of health, social life, interests and passions, what kind of list can you build?

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Thank you so much for this and the questions! Very important I wrote them down to contemplate and bring up to the therapist.

[limichelle]

Not sure where you live, but you might look into a therapist who can also work with eating issues, as they relate to emotions. This might even be a separate therapist from the one you're already seeing.

In my last relationship, I was stressed (I have pages about it here), and I, too, used food to cope, and I gained weight. Funny how things work out, though, as I had seen this one therapist who is part of a group, so I ended up on their group email list, and a few months ago, I received an email from one of the other therapists about a 12-week therapy group for eating issues. I kept deleting the email, but you know how those pesky things keep reappearing, so I finally joined at the last minute, and I'm now done with it.

It was truly one of the best experiences, and I'm now back to regular, normal eating (most of the time, lol), and while I haven't weighed in probably 3 months, my clothes are now super loose, so I feel like I've lost a size (I have one more size to go). It was not about any sort of diet, or weigh-in, or anything like that. It was about our emotions, and how food is our drug of choice. For me, it's sweets, for others, it's the kitchen sink. And for others, it's the control (anorexia, purging). It was about getting deep into the emotions, and how we use food to cope.

My psychiatrist actually is referring me to someone just like that but can also help me in other ways too. Thank you so much! You’re right it’s about getting to the root.

I’ve tried so many weight loss programs but I found they didn’t work because they are just band aids to cover up the real unresolved issues.