Husband wants to move...again

I have never been on one of these forums before, but I really need to get some outside perspective on something that has been a major source of tension in my marriage, so here goes.

About a year and four months ago, my husband and I moved back to our hometown with our 9 month old daughter, although it would make his commute to work longer. He previously had a 25 minute commute and after the move it became about an hour and 20 min, give or take. We moved back for a few reasons: to be closer to friends and family, to get more bang for our buck in terms of our mortgage, and because I felt very isolated and really wanted to go back to work part-time with all the grandparents living close enough to watch the baby.

Right before Christmas last year I found out I was pregnant again. Then, not long after that, a couple different contacts my husband had started talking to him about potential job offers. One was in Virginia and was quickly crossed off his list. Another is in Greensboro. We have gone round and round about this job offer throughout my pregnancy and it has made me completely miserable. He's hell-bent on taking this job because he wants to make more money and shorten his commute to work. I understand that, but we don't need to make more. He recently got a raise a few months ago after months of complaining to me every single day (no lie) about how he deserved more. The raise would make him happy, he said. Yet here we are with him still apparently unhappy.

I just had a baby 3 weeks ago and it's all I can do to keep up with a 2 year old and a newborn. I'm caring for them 24/7 and really struggling with the idea that we have to pick up and move again because its what he wants. My older daughter loves her grandparents and all her friends and its breaking everyone's heart that we have to go. If we do really go, I won't have any support from friends and family, I have to do all the work of packing, cleaning, unpacking, then cleaning the new house on top of caring for the kids, plus I won't have my part-time job anymore, which means I'll have no money of my own.

I'm trying to have a good attitude about this, but I'm really bitter about having to give up everything that I love in my life just so he can make more money, which we don't even "need" per se.

Additionally, he's really controlling with money and not having my own income, a pittance though it may be, makes me feel like a rat caught in a trap. Example: when our first child was born he had a meltdown because I went grocery shopping. I spent less than $100, yet its ok for him to spend money on fast food whenever he pleases. He also has forked over thousands to his parents who are irresponsible with their money, which has been hard for me to accept, but I've been gracious about it nonetheless. I just don't know what to do anymore.

You two are team and therefore will come to decision - together. No one gets unilateral say.

I don't know the answer but you keep negotiating until you come up with a plan you both can live with.

Well, I think you know some of your options. (There's always divorce, for example.) I would say that if your husband insists on moving again, you have to insist on having a maid and a nanny. And if he's too cheap then you need to move in with your family and he goes off and has his job to keep him warm at night.

Stop letting him derail your and your kids lives with his restlessness, selfishness and greed. His chaos manufacturing and poor choices are affecting you and your kids lives and support networks. Do not let him continue to isolate you or be controlling. Start saying no.

He can't "control the money" if you are married and have kids. You are legally and financially a "family unit". That means all the assets and resources are shared. You are not the unpaid help. Stop doing anything for him. Only shop, cook and clean for yourself and child. If he rants about grocery money, then only shop for yourself and child. Tell family and friends what is really going on including the greed, isolating you and restless moving around..

Sometimes when making a difficult decision, it's good to make a pros and cons list for each of the decisions to see more clearly, in black and white, what the issues are.

I agree it's important for you to be closer to family. I also see, for him, that an hour and twenty minute commute twice a day is misery. Would he be happier if you moved to a home 30 minutes away that is closer to his job, and yet still be close enough to your family? That might be something to consider. Let us know how it goes. Take care.

1 hr 20 mins commute is way too long so I see his point totally. Plus I see yours about family support. Can you compromise and split the difference so he's closer to work and you arent that far from family to help you out? If you do move, hire a cleaning lady once a week, that'd take a big load off of you.

I think I'd go see someone to talk to, the two of you. It seems you don't trust your husband. Not even as far as finances and treating you as an equal partner. And the family is getting divided into factions: you, the kids, extended family and then him. The long commute and even less time with the children may not ultimately be in the best interests of mending that.

But that's something you could talk about. You could have someone guiding you two in listening to each other and coming to understanding and solutions. You may even find out he wouldn't mind working less, and to provide more child care, if you are working outside the home and bringing in a good income. All the burden of providing is on his shoulders , unless you are providing some other income you planned for prior to getting pregnant, which it doesn't sound like the case ?

What you doing now isn't working. The children are very young, if you do move somewhere else, they will adapt . It will be more challenging as they approach school age, so it's reasonable to have decided on a long term home by then.

Do you drive and have access to a vehicle?