Just been through a messy life

It's a long story but I am going to make it short.

I had a long distance relationship before moving together with my then boyfriend and now husband in his home country. It's loving relationship but living in a foreign country, it's challenging. I felt very lonely even I learned local language, got through local university and got a job in his country, with my sort of strong will until two kids were born. My husband was a kind person but he had a lot to care about in his job and he did his best to be with me that I have nothing to say. Also to be clear, I make friends and friendship stays but loneliness has never gone away. In my previous job, I needed to make acquaintance to different kinds of people in a certain business cluster. I am kind of in a role of bridge between company and clients, that was where I got to know him. It wasn't a love at first sight, considering we both are in marriage and both have kids. The flame started about half year later in a catch up. We randomly chatted together with another colleague. It was much relaxed and we got the chance to know each other. It was also during my difficult time with my first kid who was in the tantrum period. After the first chat, he offered me a chance to meet alone. My gut feeling told me it would go wrong but I didn't reject. I went there to drink with him. After a few drink, I totally was not myself. He started to kiss and put off my clothes. I was so weak that I could barely refuse him. We had a sex and it was a great sex but I feel awfully guilty for my husband. I immediately revealed this to my husband that I made a mistake. I felt I betrayed the vow with him. I decided to stay in a separate room from my husband. I felt it was end of my marriage...even worse, I got pregnancy from this man. I went through the abortion and post abortion depression, and I changed my job, my mobile phone and stopped seeing this man...I felt I have been in a total mess. Now I still have a difficulty in falling in sleep. Whenever I think of this man, I feel awful and I had a thought that he simply used me when he was alone. I feel terribly awful...

How to move on in a happier way, considering my husband is still with me and my kids are still small? How can I forget all this mess?

First of all, admit it wasn't a "mistake" but a choice.

Then, be grateful you have a husband who is willing to stay with you and work things out.

And finally, I recommend professional help. If your husband has chosen to forgive you, you'll need to work on forgiving yourself. Beating yourself up will not help your marriage.

Also, resolve to talk to your husband the next time you feel tempted to sleep with another man. And do not meet up with men other than your husband. Your husband may be willing to forgive once, but probably never again.

All you can do is be the best mother and wife to your husband you can be. It seems you husband has forgiven this transgression. Try to rekindle romance and love with your husband...and of course trust. Instead of thinking about this man and guilt, reflect what kind of loneliness led to this affair.

I immediately revealed this to my husband that I made a mistake. I changed my job, my mobile phone and stopped seeing this man. my husband is still with me and my kids are still small?

You are very lucky for having such a dedicated husband to take you back. I also live in a foreign country so I understand the loneliness part.

You are sorry. You have learned your lesson. You have changed jobs. And that is all you can do and with time it will be better from now on...

Thank you above for your kind advice and sorry for being a bit quiet.

It was a busy weekend and I tried to immerse myself into family life. It still hurts even the life has been moving on; e.g. sleeping problem and self esteem issue. I still can't help crying at night without reason.

@boltnrun, indeed I really thank my family for still being there. Now it is my turn to make a positive action. I feel collapsed...

@Wiseman, the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming. It is like that you try to fit in a group but you don't belong there and you don't feel like being there. At the same time, you want to reunion with family and friends back in home country, but you already feel a gap between you and them. It is kind of loneliness of being in the middle of nowhere. It's difficult to find a right place for me. This feeling got stronger after having kids, especially they went to local kindergarten and they started to speak local language. I feel they could not understand me really. It's quite sad. That perhaps triggered my affairs..

@troo 2, thank you for your understanding. It's hard but I will try.

I went through old work mails and found there was an email related to this man that we used to work on a project together and I could not help forward that email to him with a kind greeting. I though I have already got over from him and I could treat it with a normal work mail. Then he replied me the day after with short words and I followed again up. It comes to that we emailed each other about one email per day for 4 days, actually we used merely the words of thank you and best regards, but yesterday he was in an email of saying that I was cheeky in heart. This did give me a short hangover. I replied that we should close off this conversation.. The feeling for him comes back a bit and I really feel awful about this.

How can I be fully engaged in current life?

I went through old work mails and found there was an email related to this man that we used to work on a project together and I could not help forward that email to him with a kind greeting. I though I have already got over from him and I could treat it with a normal work mail. Then he replied me the day after with short words and I followed again up. It comes to that we emailed each other about one email per day for 4 days, actually we used merely the words of thank you and best regards, but yesterday he was in an email of saying that I was cheeky in heart. This did give me a short hangover. I replied that we should close off this conversation.. The feeling for him comes back a bit and I really feel awful about this.

Have you told your husband you chose to reconnect with your affair?

Apparently you feel high, not awful. Your husband forgave you once, will he again and again?

I really feel awful about this.

No. I should say about it and block this to be happened again

I wanted to email him again today but I didn't. I feel great now that I can finally take control of my emotion. I also delete all his emails, however his name still pops up in the email address bar and there is a chat group that we are both there. Annoying but I am learning to cope with it..

I am putting much time on practicing piano and soon will have a family piano concert. Practicing a music instrument can really help my mind busy with something..

I will see how I will be in the next few days.

Get off the group chat because he can see your activities as well.🧐

his name still pops up in the email address bar and there is a chat group

After a month of no contact on social media with him, I feel the life has got a bit better. I have been able to catch up routines and have a bit better time with husband and family but my sleep hasn't been fully recovered. This man seems not in my life anymore. I thought I got over of him. We shared a group chat which is for my work use. I could handle there without being affected. However, I still got the feeling whenever I passed by his previous apartment and wherever that we had been to. Even worse, I was traveling last week with my husband, and at the end of travel, my husband went to another city for business travel. I was totally alone in a strange city for 2 days. Just by coincidence, I received his email that he missed me and he wanted to have a voice call at least or even wanted to see me on face to face chat. I initially refused him and then he continued to email. Actually I deleted all his messages, email address and telephone number. Now I came back again to call him. We had a call, a kind of reconnecting call. Those feelings for him came back again, we have been chatting for the last two days. I have double feelings, one side of me really feel awful about the situation and another side of me expecting to hear from him again,but I did a lot of work to forget him. Now I don't know what I can handle this again.... He has also a family and kid. I really am in no way to get into mess, but why can I not just stop?

Time to talk to your husband about a divorce. I'm sure he doesn't want to be married to someone who is involved with another man.

I think so too. It's too painful that I am in a double life situation. I'm not a born actor. Feeling is most difficult to act.. but with the kids and family, I don't know if I ever have the gut to tell my husband about this. I feel guity to him, but I don't want it to be broken..

So you think you deserve to have a husband and family AND a secret boyfriend on the side?

What terrible things have your husband and children done to make them deserve to be deceived and lied to?

My husband and kids are super good. They are loving and caring but some part of me lost communication ability with them. I don't know what to talk with my husband that nothing really strikes the chord. Kids are very little that I cannot have much to say about. But this is no problem. I feel home is where my heart is. I don't want to hurt them. To this man, I don't really trust him. He has wife and kid but he's already been out for other woman not only once. I just want to get over from him. Apparently after a few months, I haven't been there yet. He's still hovering in my mind.