We break up then make up over & over & over again!

I am at a loss here to be honest. My girlfriend of just under 3 years ended our relationship last night AGAIN because apparently I am horrible & ignorant & I can’t see what I have done wrong? She has not officially confirmed that she has ended it but believe me I know when she has. She will normally say Goodbye or have a nice life etc. She has ended it a few times now, probably around 20 times so I am not that surprised any more to be honest, it’s like I expect it to happen now.

The normal process goes like this: I will say something she doesn't like or I will not do something she wants me to do & she will fly off the handle. I will try to calm the situation & defend myself. She will become even more angry & sometimes swear at me. I will defend myself again & then she will use this as an excuse to break up with me. It's like she will call me nasty or horrible because I have basically told her not to treat me in a certain way. She will tell me to leave her alone, f**k off or go away. I will do as she says & then she will text me the next day asking why I haven't tried talking to her. I will say because she's been abusive to me & she will say it shows I don't care & I shouldn't annoy her. She will then say she's really upset & it's her hormones or something else & she will manage to get me to apologise for something I don't even know that I have done. We will then make up & she will still say the occasional thing like I am lucky she is talking to me etc. The cycle repeats. The following situation happened yesterday as an example of what happens:

Basically she was discussing something with me over text & the details were a little sketchy. I was in the middle of something & we got our wires crossed. She was telling me about something that happened at her work but she was talking to me about it as if I was there & familiar with it. I don’t know anything about the situation & the way she described it led me to conclude something other than what she actually meant. This turned into her accusing me of not listening to her. I tried explaining that I am not there so it’s hard for me to understand & I was also very busy at the time so my attention wasn’t fully there.

She started getting really annoyed when what I was saying didn’t match up to what was actually happening. She ended up saying “don’t you listen”. In this situation when I can tell that I can’t compromise with her in a mature fashion I find the only way to stop the drama is to let her cool down or change the subject so I changed the subject. This caused her to fly off the handle even more & ask me why I didn’t reply to her text about me not listening. She went on & on again about me not listening to her & I tried my best to explain I didn’t understand & I was busy. She wouldn’t accept this & said I was nasty because I don’t listen to her. Again I knew if I replied she would just go on & on plus how do you reply when someone is calling you nasty? So I prepared my lunch & one hour after I texted her hoping she had calmed down. Nope, she started again & claimed I had ignored her again & just because I don’t reply doesn’t mean it’s gone away. I tried explaining that I felt that there was nothing to reply to because she was stating I was this & that plus I didn’t want to spend the evening arguing & I prepared my lunch. This just made her worse & she ended up telling me to leave her alone because I am pissing her off on purpose, ignoring her not even saying sorry. She told me not to text her back & she not going with me on our day trip this Saturday because I am ignorant & instead of saying I’m wrong I resort to been horrible & this is why she breaks up with me all the time. She then ended it with goodbye.

We have a day trip planned Saturday & I have just told my son, from my previous relationship, that we are going so I can’t let him down. Should I still go on the day trip with my son even if my now ex doesn’t go? If I do this it will just give her more reason to start an argument with me & she will call me nasty or uncaring even though she’s said shes not going with me now.

I haven't spoke to her since last night & she's not spoken to me. Should I just stay quiet? Because right now I think I am been awful not trying to speak to her.

What's your question exactly?

I mean ...she sounds awful! And you clearly get off on it to some extent. Why else would you be involved in this for 3 years?

Yes of course go on the activity with your son tomorrow...if not the one planned then a different one.

What's your question exactly?

 

I mean ...she sounds awful! And you clearly get off on it to some extent. Why else would you be involved in this for 3 years?

 

Yes of course go on the activity with your son tomorrow...if not the one planned then a different one.

It's not so much a question but I'm trying to get confirmation that I am not going mad like she makes me feel. These arguments / break ups always result in her anting me to apologies & making me feel I am the one who has caused it all.

I wouldn't say I get off on it. I find it very difficult to understand whether it is me who is causing the break ups so I end up getting back with her because I just cant work it out in my head. The more times this happens the more I want to just end it but I find it hard & just don't seem to have the strength.

It's not so much a question but I'm trying to get confirmation that I am not going mad like she makes me feel. These arguments / break ups always result in her anting me to apologies & making me feel I am the one who has caused it all.

 

I wouldn't say I get off on it. I find it very difficult to understand whether it is me who is causing the break ups so I end up getting back with her because I just cant work it out in my head. The more times this happens the more I want to just end it but I find it hard & just don't seem to have the strength.

If you're partner of 3 years makes you feel like you are mad...then the relationship has to end. Maybe you are mad and do everything wrong? What do you think? From what you described, she sounds disrespectful and immature. But only you know really how it is. I am only going off what you've written about her.

But as someone who has picked her fair share of bad partners I can only say this - if I have a lot of bad things to say about my partner then he's not the right guy for me.

The fact that you are confused, upset and feel crazy should be enough for you to know that its not a good match.

If you're partner of 3 years makes you feel like you are mad...then the relationship has to end. Maybe you are mad and do everything wrong? What do you think? From what you described, she sounds disrespectful and immature. But only you know really how it is. I am only going off what you've written about her.

 

But as someone who has picked her fair share of bad partners I can only say this - if I have a lot of bad things to say about my partner then he's not the right guy for me.

 

The fact that you are confused, upset and feel crazy should be enough for you to know that its not a good match.

I don't think I do a lot of things wrong. I am not perfect just like the majority of people. But, some of the things we have broke up over are pathetic & I do not see other couples breaking up over 20 times. This is the part that I am certain is not healthy. If I am that bad that she can break up with me that often then why is she getting back together with me? Either I am horrendous which I am certain I am not or she is completely immature & manipulative. Why am I in a relationship that I need to join forums & spend 30 minutes writing up a question to post. This isn't how it should be.

This relationship is already dead in the water, OP.

You know this. No, it's most certainly not all your fault. She doesn't sound very emotionally stable, and I get where you are coming from. My ex was like her. There is no reasoning with people like this. The break-up/make-up cycle is incredibly toxic, and in my experience, it doesn't get better.

You need to finally value yourself enough to walk away from this. It's completely dysfunctional.

This relationship is already dead in the water, OP.

 

You know this. No, it's most certainly not all your fault. She doesn't sound very emotionally stable, and I get where you are coming from. My ex was like her. There is no reasoning with people like this. The break-up/make-up cycle is incredibly toxic, and in my experience, it doesn't get better.

 

You need to finally value yourself enough to walk away from this. It's completely dysfunctional.

I haven't spoke to her since last night I was hoping she would apologise to me but just as I expected she has sent me a text asking why I haven't tried speaking to her. I said maybe because you told me to go away & goodbye plus starting an argument over something that doesn't even warrant an argument about.

I have had her standard reply saying that I am turning it on her again when I was in the wrong. And because I haven't spoke to her it proves I was in the wrong & playing games. I have upset her enough & I should just go now. She didn't dump me either to which I said when your partner tells you to go away & says goodbye to you I would assume that they are breaking up with you especially as this is how she's done it in the past.

I laterally have no idea what she is getting at. This is why I end up confused because unless I am mad or have some kind of mental illness I have no idea what I have actually done wrong but now because she says she's upset & I am playing games I start to question my own sanity :/ this is getting me really down now.

Dude you need to break up with her. For your sanity and health and your child's well-being. Block her from contacting you. In a month you will feel so much better. You have to walk away. She is abusive and it's not going to change. It's been 3 years and she's still the same. Please take care of yourself and leave her.

Why are you continuing to tolerate this, OP? What are you getting out of it at this point?

Dude you need to break up with her. For your sanity and health and your child's well-being. Block her from contacting you. In a month you will feel so much better. You have to walk away. She is abusive and it's not going to change. It's been 3 years and she's still the same. Please take care of yourself and leave her.

I know deep down you are right. I just cant understand how someone can behave that way & because I like to think I have a lot of integrity so when she says I have upset her or I am this bad person I find it hard not to believe her. I am just not used to an adult behaving like this & causing arguments & distress over minute things. This is why I have posted on here because I find it really hard to actually know if it is me with the problem.

I know deep down you are right. I just cant understand how someone can behave that way & because I like to think I have a lot of integrity so when she says I have upset her or I am this bad person I find it hard not to believe her. I am just not used to an adult behaving like this & causing arguments & distress over minute things. This is why I have posted on here because I find it really hard to actually know if it is me with the problem.

OP, you will never be able to understand it because you are not wired the same way she is. You are trying to apply logic to an illogical person. I know how frustrating it is; I have been where you are. It's maddening. But no amount of "why is she like this?!" is going to change anything.

My ex turned out to have a diagnosed personality disorder, which explained much of his erratic and unstable behaviour. I thought if I could just be a better person, just be more patient and rational, he would finally have a breakthrough. It doesn't work like that. I don't know if your girlfriend has some mental health issues, but in the end, it doesn't even really matter. You have twisted yourself into pretzels trying to please her, and look where it's gotten you - nowhere.

It's time to end it and find someone more mature and stable.

OP, you will never be able to understand it because you are not wired the same way she is. You are trying to apply logic to an illogical person. I know how frustrating it is; I have been where you are. It's maddening. But no amount of "why is she like this?!" is going to change anything.

 

My ex turned out to have a diagnosed personality disorder, which explained much of his erratic and unstable behaviour. I thought if I could just be a better person, just be more patient and rational, he would finally have a breakthrough. It doesn't work like that. I don't know if your girlfriend has some mental health issues, but in the end, it doesn't even really matter. You have twisted yourself into pretzels trying to please her, and look where it's gotten you - nowhere.

 

It's time to end it and find someone more mature and stable.

Yeah I understand what your saying. In all fairness without trying to criticize her family I have noticed a lot of similarities between her & her sister & mother. The mom is always breaking up with her partner, her sister always does the same with her boyfriends & I am sure she said her sister had Bipolar. The father cheated on her mom more than once. There seems to be a lot of instability between them all.

I noticed her behaviour like this over 5 years ago when we were first talking. She would block me on social media for weeks at a time if I said something slightly wrong. She would verbally abuse me when we argued & when I confronted her about this she said it was my fault for annoying her. But on the other hand she would tell me that she would never expect verbal abuse of someone she dated. She would constantly call me ignorant if I didn't reply to her text messages instantly, accuse me of talking to other women & check my phone. I just cant get my head round it but like you say if she's not wired up the same way then I wont understand it & that's a very good point.

Why are you continuing to tolerate this, OP? What are you getting out of it at this point?

I tolerate it because I must be afraid of losing her even though I know this isn't healthy & because she keeps blaming me it makes me think that I need to stay with her because she hasn't done anything wrong because it must be me as she says it is.

From what you've written, sounds like your gf is incredibly emotionally abusive and manipulative. You've known this even before you started dating and the concerning part is that not only do you put up with such unacceptable behavior, but that you seem to think that you might somehow deserve to be treated that way.

Do yourself a favor and Google emotional abuse and also set up an appointment with a therapist for yourself. You sound so utterly beat down that you don't even know right from wrong anymore. You need serious help asap. You also need to get rid of this woman and block her. Do not expose your child to her behavior ever again.

OP, with healthy people with healthy boundaries, the first break up is the last one and there is no coming back from that. It's over. You've either allowed or begged this woman to come back 20 times at least. Do you see how off things are? I'm literally trying to jolt you into some perspective here and wake you up. This has to end and this has to be the last time. No more.

From what you've written, sounds like your gf is incredibly emotionally abusive and manipulative. You've known this even before you started dating and the concerning part is that not only do you put up with such unacceptable behavior, but that you seem to think that you might somehow deserve to be treated that way.

 

Do yourself a favor and Google emotional abuse and also set up an appointment with a therapist for yourself. You sound so utterly beat down that you don't even know right from wrong anymore. You need serious help asap. You also need to get rid of this woman and block her. Do not expose your child to her behavior ever again.

 

OP, with healthy people with healthy boundaries, the first break up is the last one and there is no coming back from that. It's over. You've either allowed or begged this woman to come back 20 times at least. Do you see how off things are? I'm literally trying to jolt you into some perspective here and wake you up. This has to end and this has to be the last time. No more.

I agree with everything your saying & if I was reading this about someone else I would be telling them what your telling me so I do understand. There is just something that stops me from calling it a day. Whether it's something from my childhood I just do not know but there is definitely something I need help with. I mean why would anyone be with someone after 20 times of breaking up? That's enough to make anyone question a relationship, in face breaking up more than 2 times would be enough.

You're addicted to the roller coaster, high and low of this relationship. I bet you're elated, almost feel "high", when she's being nice to you and feel anxious, helpless and in despair when she's being mean to you. And I bet you get this incredible urge to "fix" it when she tells you to go away.

Until and unless you address why you would choose to stay with someone who does this to you, you will find a steady and reliable partner "boring". You'll start to crave the intense drama if you date someone who doesn't do these things to you.

Also...you do recognize being attracted to this pattern is unhealthy, correct?

I encourage you to let it stay ended, block her from contacting you, and seek professional guidance.

I agree with everything your saying & if I was reading this about someone else I would be telling them what your telling me so I do understand. There is just something that stops me from calling it a day. Whether it's something from my childhood I just do not know but there is definitely something I need help with. I mean why would anyone be with someone after 20 times of breaking up? That's enough to make anyone question a relationship, in face breaking up more than 2 times would be enough.

Well you are here because you know this is unhealthy and bad for you and even worse for your child to witness. Time to bite the bullet and block her and like I said, call and get an emergency appointment with a therapist and start working on yourself as in getting yourself fixed. There comes a point where we cannot blame childhood issues because we've been an adult for a long time and are now in control of what we do, including getting the necessary help to clear up our head and whatever emotional issues we might have had.

On top of that toxic roller coaster relationships are known to be addictive much like drugs. So there is that aspect of it and why some people keep going back for more. Again, counseling and therapy is critical. Some people become so brainwashed by the abusive person, that they really don't know right from wrong anymore. You actually sound a lot like the latter. Your self esteem is so low that you aren't really clear in your own mind that her behavior and the way she treats you is unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated. Abusers make you doubt your sanity and feel weak and incapable, except that none of that is true. You are perfectly capable and able to live without chaos.

You're addicted to the roller coaster, high and low of this relationship. I bet you're elated, almost feel "high", when she's being nice to you and feel anxious, helpless and in despair when she's being mean to you. And I bet you get this incredible urge to "fix" it when she tells you to go away.

 

Until and unless you address why you would choose to stay with someone who does this to you, you will find a steady and reliable partner "boring". You'll start to crave the intense drama if you date someone who doesn't do these things to you.

 

Also...you do recognize being attracted to this pattern is unhealthy, correct?

 

I encourage you to let it stay ended, block her from contacting you, and seek professional guidance.

I would say at first I used to feel great when she was nice but not so much now. That sort of wore off the more I realised how she could treat me and yeah I feel very anxious and panicky when she starts been awful or argumentative.

I don't feel like I'm attracted to this I just feel like I've become stuck and can't get out. I feel helpless and she makes it worse by blaming me.

I saw my mom treat me father in a similar way and maybe that's why and i think I have a low opinion of myself.

I could happily be single to be honest.

I would say at first I used to feel great when she was nice but not so much now. That sort of wore off the more I realised how she could treat me and yeah I feel very anxious and panicky when she starts been awful or argumentative.

 

I don't feel like I'm attracted to this I just feel like I've become stuck and can't get out. I feel helpless and she makes it worse by blaming me.

 

I saw my mom treat me father in a similar way and maybe that's why and i think I have a low opinion of myself.

 

I could happily be single to be honest.

I understand your feeling, but you aren't stuck in that you aren't financially dependent on her. All you really need to do is take your phone out and block her number. Also, block her e-mails. Done. If can happily be single, then BE single and get into counseling so you can have a healthy relationship down the road when you are ready for one. Stop this insanity. You aren't stuck, you are choosing to stay.

What is stopping you from getting out?

I can assure you, it is YOU that is keeping you "stuck". All it takes is for you to be determined to end this circus once and for all.

And no, I'm not saying it's "easy". It will be difficult because you have allowed her to rule you for three years. But like I always say, nothing worth doing is ever "easy". You just have to decide to power through.

I agree with all the other feedback already given.

Just wanted to add my cents here. When someone threatens you with a break up (abandonment) and doesn't really have any intention on doing so, they are being manipulative and immature.

In some cases it's abusive.

I dated a guy for a short time that did the same thing. I tried to reason with him and I when I realized this is just how he handles conflict, I told him the next time he pulled the break up card I was going to hold him to it. And I did. No surprise he was upset when I ended it because it was never really his intention to begin with, even though I had warned him more than once.

Conflicts can be challenging but if you aren't able to handle one in a mature, compassionate way, then you have business being in a relationship.

Secondly, your original story included this conversation that derailed through a text. I have a personal policy that the minute a text feels like it going to go sideways, I pick up the phone (or drive to see them) Things are left to interpretation in an electronic form and are often misconstrued.

This guy I just mentioned used to hide behind his phone and say stupid things. When I called to clarify things I could tell he'd rather wrestle with me electronically than have a mature conversation. He'd get upset if I respectfully told him I wouldn't continue the conversation in text and would try to call him instead. I still don't understand it. . but I refused to be a part of the dynamic.

It sounds like this relationship isn't worth saving. But if you choose to stay you might consider some ground rules in which the two of can work with so things don't go so out of hand.

I agree with all the other feedback already given.

Just wanted to add my cents here. When someone threatens you with a break up (abandonment) and doesn't really have any intention on doing so, they are being manipulative and immature.

In some cases it's abusive.

 

I dated a guy for a short time that did the same thing. I tried to reason with him and I when I realized this is just how he handles conflict, I told him the next time he pulled the break up card I was going to hold him to it. And I did. No surprise he was upset when I ended it because it was never really his intention to begin with, even though I had warned him more than once.

 

Conflicts can be challenging but if you aren't able to handle one in a mature, compassionate way, then you have business being in a relationship.

 

Secondly, your original story included this conversation that derailed through a text. I have a personal policy that the minute a text feels like it going to go sideways, I pick up the phone (or drive to see them) Things are left to interpretation in an electronic form and are often misconstrued.

 

This guy I just mentioned used to hide behind his phone and say stupid things. When I called to clarify things I could tell he'd rather wrestle with me electronically than have a mature conversation. He'd get upset if I respectfully told him I wouldn't continue the conversation in text and would try to call him instead. I still don't understand it. . but I refused to be a part of the dynamic.

 

It sounds like this relationship isn't worth saving. But if you choose to stay you might consider some ground rules in which the two of can work with so things don't go so out of hand.

She has admitted in the past that when she breaks up with me she doesn't really mean it and she's said that because of this it doesn't really count. Of cause it counts to me and each time she does it to me it hurts. I've also told her before that if she breaks up with me again it's over but I've not stuck to it and she's commented after saying she knew I wouldn't stick to it. When I spoke to her earlier again via text I told her that I thought she had broke up with me because she told me to go away and said good bye to me and she said that didn't mean she had broken up with me. Normally in the past this type of wording is followed by a break up statement. Because I said I though she had broke up with me she immediately went onto Facebook and put her relationship status as signal and blocked me on messenger. I asked about this and she said she did it because I said she had dumped me.

I've been listening to a YouTube video on emotional abuse and it fits in. She has always commented that she likes me because I am soft and I have always stayed even when she's been a . This now makes me feel like I've just been a target for her and what she really means is she likes me because I allow her to emotionally abuse me.

I agree with the texting and I hate arguments over text but the majority of arguments are when I'm at work so texting is all we can do. When I have tried to phone her when I can see an argument starting she won't answer or she will say she's busy. This is another reason why I keep going back to her because 99% of the arguments and dumping are over text and I reason that because it's over text it's not as serious and I'm just taking it the wrong way. Am i just pretending to myself here? Is what she is doing over text just as bad? Should I not take it as serious?

At this point you've become a lion with no teeth.

`We teach people how to treat us' and she knows that she can slam the door in your face and bait you into chasing her. And she's right, you do.

And I'll guess that you give up a little piece of yourself every time you do.

Consider yourself well trained in the crazy dance for two. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to continue or put the brakes on this.

No use in trying to reword your responses in hopes for a different outcome and/or try to talk any sense into her, because this is the way she operates.

There are artcles about trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement in relationships and describes why some people find themselves hooked on these unhealthy dyanamic.

his is another reason why I keep going back to her because 99% of the arguments and dumping are over text and I reason that because it's over text it's not as serious and I'm just taking it the wrong way. Am i just pretending to myself here? Is what she is doing over text just as bad? Should I not take it as serious?

It is worse over text. It's immature, you don't have any say, it's cowardly and it doesn't matter if it's in person or electronically. When someone says they don't want you, it strikes the recipient of the message in a primal way. Why would anyone do that to someone if they didn't mean it? Unless they are abusive and enjoy hurting those close to them.

For me, I knew he didn't mean it. So it's was't the message itself that was serious. It was being repeatedly manipulative and abusive that was the deal breaker.

Besides. . . How much drama are you willing to tolerate?

You do know that good relationships don't look like this one, right?

So why not toss this, take a step back reevaluate why YOU think you don't deserve better. Work on that for a little while and learn a lesson from all of this.

I will also add this, if you won't do it for yourself, at least do it for your child's sake. Your child is watching this madness and learning. Stop the cycle of dysfunction.