Did he deceive me?

My boyfriend never does anything thoughtful or remotely romantic. We have had numerous talks about how I need those things and how I treasure them. We talked about love languages and how the things that he loves (physical touch) is not necessarily how I need love to be shown and vice versa. I thought he understood and that we had made a break through. Finally, after telling him that creativity and time and effort spent on doing something sweet is much more meaningful to me vs spending money to buy things. I explained that it is so easy to pull out cash and it is not easy to spend time and effort on an act of love, like a note. I get hime the other day and find a “to do” list with about 20 items that he said he wants to check off with me. I was over the moon! How sweet and thoughtful! It is hard for him to express emotion so this was that much more amazing. Until it wasn’t. The next night he was talking to our roommate and our roommate noticed the note that I hung up. He asked what it was and my bf said “Oh that is out list. You know, like the one that (roomates new gf) made for you.” I was furious. It wasn’t even his idea. He knows that I am cautious towards them because of all the obnoxiously loud sex they have and I haven’t even met this girl so I am uncomfortable with them at the moment. Point is, it wasn’t his idea like I thought it was. And even worse, he had no intentions of telling me that he got the idea from this girl. I know he still came up with things for the list, but why do I feel so deceived? All this time I thought he was really making an effort but I feel like he lied and took the easy way out.

Well, what you want is very romantic, but isn't it a bit selfish? I mean, what are you doing that's romantic towards him? It takes two to be romantic. And I'm sure the typical college guy doesn't have much of a clue about what is romantic. So your boyfriend figured out he'd do what his roommate did -- and then you got angry over his attempt to be romantic! So the guy can't win.

How about you thinking of ways to romance him and doing it with him rather than just putting this all on his shoulders? Or maybe he's just not the guy you're looking for?

You're trying to change him into someone he's not, OP.

Either accept that he is not the super-romantic man you're looking for and meet him in the middle on this, or break it off so you can find someone who meets your expectations.

Getting yourself into a twist over this is silly.

He's still young. Just give him a bit of a break :) Next time he does something that makes you happy just let him know how much you appreciate that. Positive reinforcement goes a long way ;)

I would just suggest making effort to go out on a date at least once a week. That will bring some romance and you can talk about what makes you happy etc...

Are you all sharing a house at college? Why do you have a problem with the other housemates GF? Is there a lack of privacy for "creating romance"?

It sounds like you are not compatible. You can't throw a love languages book/quiz at someone then say "mine isn't touch, but affirmations so you have to do it my way!". It's unclear why you can't create romance. Do you plan dates, get out of the house and do things, etc.? What's the real problem here that he can't seem to do anything right by you?

Why can't you accept what he does do? If it's gifts (like $800 cameras for your youtube hobby?), taking you out, doing stuff for you, etc.? Not good enough unless he leaves "creative" love notes around? No it's not "easy to take out cash and buy you things". It takes thought and sacrifice to do that.

Perhaps frilly notes do not come naturally for him and he expresses his caring in other ways. Perhaps it's time to accept you are incompatible and nothing he does or ever will do can ever make you happy (unless it's exactly your way, the "right" way)

My boyfriend never does anything thoughtful or remotely romantic. We talked about love languages and how the things that he loves (physical touch) is not necessarily how I need love to be shown. I explained that it is so easy to pull out cash and it is not easy to spend time and effort on an act of love, like a note.

Calm down. He's trying to be how you want him to be. Appreciate that.

Are you all sharing a house at college? Why do you have a problem with the other housemates GF? Is there a lack of privacy for "creating romance"?

 

It sounds like you are not compatible. You can't throw a love languages book/quiz at someone then say "mine isn't touch, but affirmations so you have to do it my way!". It's unclear why you can't create romance. Do you plan dates, get out of the house and do things, etc.? What's the real problem here that he can't seem to do anything right by you?

 

Why can't you accept what he does do? If it's gifts (like $800 cameras for your youtube hobby?), taking you out, doing stuff for you, etc.? Not good enough unless he leaves "creative" love notes around? No it's not "easy to take out cash and buy you things". It takes thought and sacrifice to do that.

 

Perhaps frilly notes do not come naturally for him and he expresses his caring in other ways. Perhaps it's time to accept you are incompatible and nothing he does or ever will do can ever make you happy (unless it's exactly your way, the "right" way)

I agree that your approach is a turn-off - as soon as someone used trendy psychology terms about something like this I'd be annoyed/tuned out. Don't pin it on "love language" -his or yours. You want him to do romantic stuff for you, fine. He is not so into it. Also fine. And I'm not a fan of you telling him what gift he has to buy you and how it has to be obtained. That doesn't sound very thoughtful (or romantic) to me. And you know what, he tried. And his friend blew his cover but no he didn't deceive you. If you were his professor then yes he plagiarized lol. Take a step back, don't indulge in the high level "love language" stuff and get down to basics - really basic. I also recommend looking for a youtube video of the song "do you love me" from Fiddler on the Roof" -great song about love languages.

There's nothing new under the sun. Chocolates, flower petals on beds, lipstick note on the mirror, etc. And being creative is not one of the Five Love Languages. Gift giving is, but it says nothing about having to come up with something no one on the planet has thought of. He saw the idea and liked it. What does it matter if he got it from the man bagging his groceries or the internet or from someone you don't like? He did something caring, and the fact that you became furious will stop him from trying to please you in that area in the future. He has not been rewarded for his efforts. And how stupid would he be to tell you he got the idea from a girl you hate? That's ridiculous.

The pool of single men in your age range and your area who are ultra creative about consistently coming up with never-before-seen romantic gestures are going to be so remote, you might as well stay single to avoid your tantrums when a man falls short in your eyes. It's you who needs to mellow out and realize your expectations are unreasonable, and you'll find yourself alone, realizing you drove away a lot of good men because you were too unbending in your needs.

Agree. Something is up here because she loves putting him in no-win situations.

The pool of single men in your age range and your area who are ultra creative about consistently coming up with never-before-seen romantic gestures are going to be so remote, you might as well stay single to avoid your tantrums when a man falls short in your eyes. It's you who needs to mellow out and realize your expectations are unreasonable, and you'll find yourself alone, realizing you drove away a lot of good men because you were too unbending in your needs.

 

It sounds like you are not compatible. You can't throw a love languages book/quiz at someone then say "mine isn't touch, but affirmations so you have to do it my way!". It's unclear why you can't create romance. Do you plan dates, get out of the house and do things, etc.? What's the real problem here that he can't seem to do anything right by you?

 

Why can't you accept what he does do? If it's gifts (like $800 cameras for your youtube hobby?), taking you out, doing stuff for you, etc.? Not good enough unless he leaves "creative" love notes around? No it's not "easy to take out cash and buy you things". It takes thought and sacrifice to do that.

 

Perhaps frilly notes do not come naturally for him and he expresses his caring in other ways. Perhaps it's time to accept you are incompatible and nothing he does or ever will do can ever make you happy (unless it's exactly your way, the "right" way)

This^^!!

Good lordy, the guy can't win, damned if he does and dammed if he doesn't.

Do *him* a favor and break up with him, you're not compatible. Not quite sure why he hasn't but that's his issue.

There's nothing new under the sun. Chocolates, flower petals on beds, lipstick note on the mirror, etc. And being creative is not one of the Five Love Languages. Gift giving is, but it says nothing about having to come up with something no one on the planet has thought of. He saw the idea and liked it. What does it matter if he got it from the man bagging his groceries or the internet or from someone you don't like? He did something caring, and the fact that you became furious will stop him from trying to please you in that area in the future. He has not been rewarded for his efforts. And how stupid would he be to tell you he got the idea from a girl you hate? That's ridiculous.

 

The pool of single men in your age range and your area who are ultra creative about consistently coming up with never-before-seen romantic gestures are going to be so remote, you might as well stay single to avoid your tantrums when a man falls short in your eyes. It's you who needs to mellow out and realize your expectations are unreasonable, and you'll find yourself alone, realizing you drove away a lot of good men because you were too unbending in your needs.

This^^ too. OP, hope you're listening cause these responses are spot on!

If he isn't what you want him to be, better accept it or move on.

I'm not sure what you want. Do you want rose petals on the bed on a regular basis (enjoy the cleanup, sweetie)? Love notes? Poems? Heartfelt prose on his love for thou? Teddy bears with cute notes? Flowers 2-3 times a week with a romantic note? A room littered with hundreds of candles at least once a week? How often? Every time you're together? Frankly, you sound a bit high maintenance. Most men don't behave this way, and it sounds like way too much to me. I don't mean to generalize, but I think most men express their love by providing...making sure things are fixed, air is in the tires, they do the dishes so you can relax, try to make you laugh. The fact that you have a guy with a high level of affection who expresses himself this way, to me, is a real bonus, because I find a lot of men aren't as affectionate as I would like them to be.

I think you need to relax a little on this. He's young and he's trying. For someone that isn't terribly romantic (that would be me), I would have a very hard time coming up with anything at all, and how exhausting to maintain this behavior ALL the time. I don't know if you're expecting some sort of movie romance scenario every day, or if you need constant validation of his undying devotion for you or what. Does he do absolutely nothing?

I think you're overreacting to the fact he used an idea he got from the roommate's girlfriend you decided to hate without ever having met her. He heard an idea and knew your toes would curl over it.

I also question why, knowing your boyfriend has difficulty expressing his feelings and emotions, why you decided to display this list like a trophy, in a prominent location that made it a topic of conversation. I would be very uncomfortable with this, personally, and I don't think you're being very empathetic to his needs or personal plight. The guy just seems more private with these deep feelings. He's not grade-schooler where you proudly display art work and report cards on the refrigerator.

I think that you need to be a bit more realistic in your expectations. Men and women can be very different in their expressions of love, and we hope there's some compromise, but you can't expect him to completely alter his personality, just as much as he can't alter yours. I can tell you these romantic gestures get really old, really fast if the guy isn't stepping up to the plate with every day life issues that truly matter. If he's just not meeting your needs, if he is that shut out and aloof, you'll have to make the difficult decision to move on.

I know he still came up with things for the list, but why do I feel so deceived?

Because you're being ridiculously impossible to please and insistent on making yourself miserable.

All this time I thought he was really making an effort but I feel like he lied and took the easy way out.

What's so 'easy' about trying to accommodate a GF who believes that there is an original idea under the sun--and HE needs to come up with it?

If BF believed that he was being deceptive, why would he allow his list to be hung out in the open?

It sounds as though you're jealous and shooting for some kind of competition with the loud sex people.