I am so hurt.

Sorry, more of a vent than a question.....just needed to get it out.

I have written before about having a wall between my Daughter & myself, but something just happened & I am so sad.

My Daughter has been living with her Husband for about 2 years, (they recently married). In that time I have literally been invited for dinner once & we had takeaway & I paid my share. They usually come to my place or we go out to a restaurant.

I found out that she is having her Father's family over for Father's Day and making it "special". My Ex's Father passed away last year, so I understand this is the first Father's Day without him.

The reason I am upset is because she was on her honeymoon when it was Mother's Day. I didnt get a message from her, a card, a present, nothing. I was ok with that, I know they were busy, but after seeing the trouble she is going to for her Father I just feel so sad.

The thing that really hurts the most is that I have come to the realisation that she only contacts me when she wants/needs something. She was in constant contact before the wedding, to the point where I went from paying for the dress, to much more. Her Husband's father offered them $5k towards the wedding, then reneged on it, so I covered this, along with many more things. Now that I am no longer required to provide funds, time, effort, advice etc etc etc our contact has literally stopped. I have messaged her at times & not received a reply, so I have now limited my contact.

She was supposed to go to LA & Vegas with her Father next Easter, but she owes money on her taxes, so cant afford to go. I have a sneaking suspicion that this Father's Day lunch is a ploy to get him to pay for her ticket. They are very similar personalities, very self centred & "use" people for their own gain.

So, I voiced my upset at this to her, she replied by saying she cant believe I have made it all about me. I have, I know, but it doesnt stop the sadness.

Some back story, I have posted about my family growing up. My mum marrying 5 different men, having abusive step fathers, my mother not protecting my Sisters & I.

I stayed single after my divorce and kept my kids safe. I wasnt expecting the Brady Bunch, but a loving, caring environment where my kids loved me as much as I loved them.

Please dont be too harsh to me, I already feel awful. I know in my head that it shouldnt hurt me, that these days are "made up holidays" but when I see my friends Daughters calling in, spending time with them, contacting them throughout the day, it just makes me so sa

I'm sorry that you have been on the receiving end of this. It sounds like you need to communicate more directly instead of try to bottle it all up, as the impression i get is that you hold it in for a while, and then it suddenly comes out ineffectively or defensively, because you've been holding onto the negative feelings for so long.

What would have been wrong with simply saying you were hurt not hearing anything on Mother's day (especially when a special effort is made for his or her father)? If you had said that, and maybe even excluded the father bit, it means that you are being specific and to the point, and not making unrelated things the issue (because they are not the issue).

Don't make it too complicated is what I am saying. Simply communicate what the problem has been for you, and why you feel this way. Try not to sound accusatory or place blame.

If effective communication does not work, then simply stop doing so much because you'll only end up feeling resentful that it is being taken for granted.

I am so sorry your daughter is so awful to you. Unfortunately ,obviously she’s a carbon copy of her dad . As hard as it may be I wouldn’t bother with her until she reaches out to you .

I have always thought family is who you choose to surround yourself with. Unfortunately, you will probably not find the approval or validation or love you are seeking in your own flesh and blood, so the best thing you can do is separate yourself from knowing unnecessary details that cause you to compare. Easier said than done, I know, but rest assured that you are not alone in your immediate family treating you poorly. I would not overgive if you aren't feeling like the relationship is reciprocal, as this will only cause you to feel more hurt and resentment over time. You shouldn't have to buy the attention of your daughter. I would express your desire to spend more quality time together, etc. but would not engage in throwing money at an ungrateful recipient.

You are likely replaying the subconscious imprinting of neglect or being overlooked that was in your childhood through your daughter and other people. I would look into EFT on Youtube (emotional freedom technique) and try it out with your deeply held beliefs and hurts around this situation to take out the sting.

shellyf62 A big hug to you! I'm certain that if we joined forces with posters at ENA, we could write more than one book on ungrateful family members.

Personally, I avoid manipulative family members like the plague. I am not an ATM machine. If they are in a serious pickle, I'd ensure they've got basic needs covered (e.g. food). But that's it.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

This happened on Saturday 25th August & I have no intentions of contacting her.

My Son sent me a text this morning while writing this post. He & his Wife have bought me a ticket to Book of Mormon. I started crying, this was just what I needed, I am very grateful and thanked him profusely.

My Son is bipolar, and I share a house with him & his Wife. Its ironic that I get on so much better with him & would never consider living with my Daughter lol

A lot of emotional things have come to the surface since I starting going through menopause, so I know I am trying to deal with a lot. I will look into EFT Healing Light, thank you for the suggestion.

I have always thought family is who you choose to surround yourself with. Unfortunately, you will probably not find the approval or validation or love you are seeking in your own flesh and blood, so the best thing you can do is separate yourself from knowing unnecessary details that cause you to compare. Easier said than done, I know, but rest assured that you are not alone in your immediate family treating you poorly. I would not overgive if you aren't feeling like the relationship is reciprocal, as this will only cause you to feel more hurt and resentment over time. You shouldn't have to buy the attention of your daughter. I would express your desire to spend more quality time together, etc. but would not engage in throwing money at an ungrateful recipient.

 

You are likely replaying the subconscious imprinting of neglect or being overlooked that was in your childhood through your daughter and other people. I would look into EFT on Youtube (emotional freedom technique) and try it out with your deeply held beliefs and hurts around this situation to take out the sting.

Absolutely correct. My Daughter in Law was the one who raised the subject with my Daughter, and they were both discussing it in front of me. I was stunned when I heard it, and reacted straight away.

I have asked my DIL not to tell me any plans they have with my Ex.

I can imagine your hurt. I would be too.

My perspective is that of a daughter who has issues with her mother.

Your daughter is not who you hope her to be. She never will be most likely. I think this will always sadden you.

Two things -I think you should keep your expectations of her very low for your own sake. And stop giving her so much when you know in your heart you are being used. Only give her something when you are fully aware that you get nothing back from it and you are okay with that.

Lastly, in my opinion... I don't think our kids could ever love us as much as we love them.

Sorry that your daughter is so insensitive. Not all great parents have great kids, and not all awful parents end up having awful kids.

Funny how you mentioned your son is bipolar, but you get along with him better than your daughter. My bf is bipolar and he's the best guy I ever been with- the most big-hearted person but has his moments. Then again, we all have our moments.

Best wishes, and yes Book of Mormon is definitely worth it!