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Thread: Ex was abusive; why canít I let him go

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good you moved out and found your own place. He can't file a restraining order without some evidence that you were a threat to him. It doesn't ruin your career, it keeps you away from him, his residence and his workplace. It does not affect your career.

    You need to acknowledge your role in this from chronically threatening divorce, emailing him, chasing and harassing him etc. refusing to leave or get divorced and focusing on running around with men to attempt to get him jealous and "fight for you"

    "No contact"? Why not file for divorce? You need much better emotional and legal support than whatever you are currently getting. He tried to kill you and you want him back?
    Originally Posted by melodysparks
    he filed one first to try and ruin my career. I moved out and into my new place. I am tying to go no contact with him. I have moments where I miss him and want to call him. And the emails are stupid of me; I get that.

  2. #12
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    Update: Iíve filed and stuck with it. Since then, Iíve made peace with the whole thing. I started dating again. Have a boyfriend now who is kind and doesnít scream when heís upset. Still dealing with the ptsd of having an abusive ex. Am still seeing a therapist to help me with my communication and with my anxiety. To anyone who is going through what I went through, it gets better. The feelings of loss are normal. It does eventually start to feel better, maybe not ever all the way better. I still get nervous when I can tell my bf is annoyed but I do grounding exercises my therapist taught me and tell myself that he isnít my ex. I found someone I can be open and honest with. But if I didnít, Iíd be fine with being alone.

  3. #13
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    This helps me too so thanks for posting. It's the bit about tearing you down so he can feel better that I needed to hear. I've gone NC but he's driving past out of the blue now, pointedly staring instead of watching where he's driving and trying to get a reaction from me after trying to talk to my customers who all knew and formed a sort of close support group around me. That one phrase means so much to me at the moment, you've no idea.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by smJackson
    I agree with all of the advice here. I can relate to what you are going through, as I have been NC for a couple of months now from my former abuser.

    Your abuser has slowly torn away your self esteem and confidence over time in order to make sure you won't leave him because he's insecure. He did this methodically-- with insults, constant criticisms, bullying (walking up on you, violating your personal space, etc) then with physical abuse. My ex choked me, so I promised that I understand how you feel. Every now and then he tosses you a few crumbs of kindness-- just enough to keep you from leaving-- before he flips again to being hateful. Please remember that confident, happy, self assured men don't treat women this way, or anyone. He is miserable inside, and as long as you are with him, he will make you miserable too. You can't change him or love that anger and hatred out of him. That is WHO HE IS.

    The only way that I was finally able to break free was that he pushed me to my breaking point. The point of no return. He started a fight with me out of nowhere-- JUST SO that he could insult, berate and tear me to pieces. I realized THEN that no matter how hard I tried to keep the peace, he would start a fight at ANY given time that he needed to tear someone down to make himself feel better and that target would be ME. So I let that argument be the LAST one. I don't know if you're religious but if you are, pray for the strength to let go. Watch YouTube videos and read blogs on abuse and violence to educate yourself-- knowledge is power---and visit forums like this for advice to leave like you're doing here. Don't give up, you Will get the strength and courage to leave him. And when he senses this, his abuse will escalate in order for him to maintain control over you. He's accustomed to women leaving him because he treats them horribly. There were plenty of women that left him before you came along, and one day, you will leave too and he knows it. Peace be with You!
    Thanks for posting this reply, one phrase of which is just what I need to hear right now. The bit about having to tear you down to make himself feel better. You've no idea how much I needed to hear that. I've been NC for about five weeks and am determined to move on. But my ex has now started driving past, staring pointedly at me instead of watching where he's driving (head almost out of the driver's side window) to get a reaction which he hasn't got. He's already approached almost everyone he knows I know, pops up like a jack in the box, to ask how my mental health is but everybody I know knew I'd finished it and why so he got nothing from them and they've all formed a sort of support group around me which is lovely. I'm still struggling with the emotional dependence and the head spinning why this, what that, is it me trash that he put in my head. But I'll get there. Your reply to someone else's post has just given me an enormous boost. Thank you.

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