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Thread: Ex was abusive; why canít I let him go

  1. #1
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    Ex was abusive; why canít I let him go

    Married for less than 2 years. Ex progressed from mildly a jerk to a complete jerk. Everyday there was something I did wrong. Everyday he screamed at me. And every time I would tell him it was over I would change my mind and beg for him back. And every time he would act like he did me a favor. Even nowó I have filed for divorce but I still want him to talk to me. We filed restraining orders against one another (and then dropped them). He has hit me and strangled me, and I canít let him go. I just keep thinking that maybe he will change. Does anyone feel this way? I am so depressed all the time (seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for medication and counseling). I recognize my behavior is not healthy but I donít want to be divorced. Is there coming back from this? Has anyone been in this position and had an abuser recognize their abuse and change? I am trying to date but I am still emailing him once a week hoping he will change his mind and want to fight for me and not with me.

  2. #2
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    What you're feeling is quite common, unfortunately. When someone is being abused, quite often people develop an emotional dependency on their abuser. You know you should leave, but then again, people think, well, if they could just change a little bit, or if I could just change a little bit, things can work out. And quite often the abuser will say they'll change, they'll change. But from my point of view on ENA, the abuser can't change. They'll apologize and beg you to take them back, but then they start with the insults and, unfortunately, in your case, physical violence. Depression is always the case. Divorce is the cure and the way back to sanity. You can take all the therapy, medication and counseling you want, but until you get rid of this guy from your life, you're not going to get better. You have to give up. You have to make the decision to get your husband out of your head and then you can be helped. Go No Contact and stop emailing him.

    By the way, it may be way too early to date. You may be only trying to medicate yourself with sex, so be careful not to fall into that trap.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    What you're feeling is quite common, unfortunately. When someone is being abused, quite often people develop an emotional dependency on their abuser. You know you should leave, but then again, people think, well, if they could just change a little bit, or if I could just change a little bit, things can work out. And quite often the abuser will say they'll change, they'll change. But from my point of view on ENA, the abuser can't change. They'll apologize and beg you to take them back, but then they start with the insults and, unfortunately, in your case, physical violence. Depression is always the case. Divorce is the cure and the way back to sanity. You can take all the therapy, medication and counseling you want, but until you get rid of this guy from your life, you're not going to get better. You have to give up. You have to make the decision to get your husband out of your head and then you can be helped. Go No Contact and stop emailing him.

    By the way, it may be way too early to date. You may be only trying to medicate yourself with sex, so be careful not to fall into that trap.
    Abusers are low-key narcissists. Everything you said is true. They know their partners are emotionally dependent on them and once the victim is gonna run out of the door, abusers would pretend to say they will change and they won't do it again but the cycle will still happen. They will never change.

  4. #4
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    I agree with all of the advice here. I can relate to what you are going through, as I have been NC for a couple of months now from my former abuser.

    Your abuser has slowly torn away your self esteem and confidence over time in order to make sure you won't leave him because he's insecure. He did this methodically-- with insults, constant criticisms, bullying (walking up on you, violating your personal space, etc) then with physical abuse. My ex choked me, so I promised that I understand how you feel. Every now and then he tosses you a few crumbs of kindness-- just enough to keep you from leaving-- before he flips again to being hateful. Please remember that confident, happy, self assured men don't treat women this way, or anyone. He is miserable inside, and as long as you are with him, he will make you miserable too. You can't change him or love that anger and hatred out of him. That is WHO HE IS.

    The only way that I was finally able to break free was that he pushed me to my breaking point. The point of no return. He started a fight with me out of nowhere-- JUST SO that he could insult, berate and tear me to pieces. I realized THEN that no matter how hard I tried to keep the peace, he would start a fight at ANY given time that he needed to tear someone down to make himself feel better and that target would be ME. So I let that argument be the LAST one. I don't know if you're religious but if you are, pray for the strength to let go. Watch YouTube videos and read blogs on abuse and violence to educate yourself-- knowledge is power---and visit forums like this for advice to leave like you're doing here. Don't give up, you Will get the strength and courage to leave him. And when he senses this, his abuse will escalate in order for him to maintain control over you. He's accustomed to women leaving him because he treats them horribly. There were plenty of women that left him before you came along, and one day, you will leave too and he knows it. Peace be with You!

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you are both very abusive. You keep threatening divorce, getting restraining orders, etc., etc., and sound verbally and mentally abusive. He beats and tries to kill you.

    You "don't want a divorce" but you are out chasing other guys? Why would he "fight for" someone he hates, has tried to kill and gotten restraining orders against?

    You are seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. Let them help you. If you are drinking or abusing drugs, stop. It sounds like this is in the mix for both of you.

    Did he leave the marital home or did you? Stop contacting him and harassing him. Let your attorneys do their jobs and all the contacting. He wisely left and wants no contact and doesn't want to be together in this toxic homicidal mess.
    Originally Posted by melodysparks
    Married for less than 2 years.
    I have filed for divorce but I still want him to talk to me.

    We filed restraining orders against one another (and then dropped them).
    He has hit me and strangled me, and I canít let him go.
    I donít want to be divorced.
    I am trying to date but I am still emailing him once a week hoping he will change his mind and want to fight for me and not with me.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Ex was abusive; why canít I let him go
    Change the word "can't" to "won't" for accuracy. Then make a better decision.

    Contact one of the domestic violence hotlines on the Internet for a referral to a local org that can counsel you and help you make a plan and carry it out.

    We never get any wasted time back to live over again.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    "......I am still emailing him once a week hoping he will change his mind and want to fight for me and not with me."

    Ah....so you are making this about your self esteem and self worth. Thing is OP that who he is and what he does is NOT about you, never was, never will be. In short, no abusers do not change. Not ever. Why? Because they like doing what they do. Yes, they just like it and nobody is going to stop doing what they actually deep down enjoy and get off on.

    The trouble is that you want him to be normal, but he is not and that can't be fixed or changed. He is never going to be who you want him to be. The desire that you have for being loved and wanted, you'll never get it from this man. However, there are millions of men out there who can and will give you what you want. Stop contacting your soon to be ex. Let the lawyers deal with your divorce and finish it up and the sooner the better. Start working on deleting this man from your life. Literally. Delete his number, get rid of whatever reminds you of it. You are desperately seeking validation from a person who positively enjoys denying you that. Stop.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    What you're feeling is quite common, unfortunately. When someone is being abused, quite often people develop an emotional dependency on their abuser. You know you should leave, but then again, people think, well, if they could just change a little bit, or if I could just change a little bit, things can work out. And quite often the abuser will say they'll change, they'll change. But from my point of view on ENA, the abuser can't change. They'll apologize and beg you to take them back, but then they start with the insults and, unfortunately, in your case, physical violence. Depression is always the case. Divorce is the cure and the way back to sanity. You can take all the therapy, medication and counseling you want, but until you get rid of this guy from your life, you're not going to get better. You have to give up. You have to make the decision to get your husband out of your head and then you can be helped. Go No Contact and stop emailing him.

    By the way, it may be way too early to date. You may be only trying to medicate yourself with sex, so be careful not to fall into that trap.
    He won't change (sorry), Please get out of this abusive relationship. You are just delaying the inevitable. You deserve more, my dear. Please have some self respect and do yourself a favour now! Hard as it may be, you'll be better off in the end. Stay strong and know that YOU have the power to leave. Best of luck. Hugs.

  10. #9
    Member Vinkara's Avatar
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    Please listen to Wiseman2 and get out. If you filed for divorce, just go through with it and do no contact; it's the best for both him and you. It's also the best and only "coming back from this". Neither one of you is likely to change while being in proximity of each other.

  11. #10
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    Thanks everyone for most of the responses. I did not abuse him; he abused me. I feel very confused by what Iíve gone through. In response to the person who thinks that I am abusive for filing a restraining order, he filed one first to try and ruin my career even though he was physically and emotionally abusive. This is after I moved out and into my new place. He did this to try and silence meó to prevent me from telling anyone about the abuse. I filed one in return because if he ever did try and strangle me again I wanted the police to know who to protect. I take offense in being labeled as abusive when I have only ever been kind to him. In return I have been greatly mistreated. Iím being treated for PTSD because of this relationship. The trauma I have experienced, I wouldnít wish on my worst enemy. I am tying to go no contact with him. I have moments where I miss him and want to call him. And the emails are stupid of me; I get that.

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