She's contacting me after 6 months of NC

I had a female friend (26yo) who - for reasons I don't even know - I got really attached to, like on an almost obsessive emotional level. All of a sudden she meant the world to me (in a non-romantic way), like a daughter or something. I just cared so deeply about her.

We had great times together and then (long story short) she pretty much blew me off after months of being good friends because she just wasn't feeling it, thought I was getting too attached, and she was too busy with a new job, a degree program and life in general.

It all checked out. I was just no longer on her list. Just like that.

IMO even if you're busy AF, you can make time for a friendly message here and there instead of just running away and blowing off someone you've gotten close to and who cares about you a frickin TON.

Anyway - I decided on no contact and writing her off as a harsh lesson learned. I was incredibly heartbroken...devastated, because I don't open my heart like that to a lot of people.

So...Fast-forward 6 months. 6 looooong, hard months. I found her liking a post of mine on Facebook.

? Really?! I blew it off and ignored it thinking it was just force of habit or a mistake or something.

Then, a few days after that (yesterday), oddly exactly 6 months and 3 weeks after our last contact - to the hour! - I open up Facebook and there's a direct message from her. It was nice, positive and nostalgic, but damn, I don't know how to respond, or even if I should.

It took me months to get over losing this girl and out of the blue she's liking posts and messaging me?

I can't help but think she's doing it out of guilt. We were truly close, cared about each other and, most importantly, we trusted each other (of course THAT's gone, but probably why I was so hurt). So I think she feels guilty, but thought she'd have gotten over it by now.

So my question is - why would she suddenly be putting herself back on my radar after straight up telling me she was done with me to the point of only being random acquaintances.

I would welcome her with open arms if she wanted to reconcile our friendship - but she'd have to build my trust back up again.

Probably sounds strange or petty since we're not exes or romantically involved, but I don't attach myself to a lot of people, so this is really, really important to me.

I haven't responded yet. Not sure if I want to at all......no, I definitely want to. Just looking for some insight on why this might be happening!

Frickin' feelings!

You were not in a relationship with her and you got too clingy and a but much for her. She saw something about you pop up in her feed and thought she would reach out. Its not a break up, it was a back off. I don't know what the message said -- it requires no response, or just a simple response but its impossible to know what to say because we don't know what she said. If she talked about a fond memory you could say "i remember that, too. it was a great time. hope you are well." and leave it at that. It depends on what you want. Can you handle a friendship without getting obsessive? Or no? Or do you want her to stay out of your life?

Thank you, @abitbroken.

It said, " are still online BECAUSE THEY'RE AWESOME!!! Should we mark it as spam? kidding! Anyways, I hope life is treating you well. Where did you end up after ?"

Again - after 6 months (that was a frickin long time) of zero contact.

I don't think I'm emotionally ready, but I definitely don't want her out of my life. I'm still afraid of being hurt again, but I wouldn't want to blow a chance of reconciliation or looking like a jerk for not responding at all.

I have a lot of things going on in my life and I always thought that if she would come back into my life, it would help me feel stronger and manage things better, but now that it's happening, it's just adding to the stress. Yeah, I was clingy for sure - needy.

Hi DeepPurple88,

I'd say context matters.

Does she like a lot of posts? If she does, then one more like wouldn't be a big deal. But if she didn't like many posts, one like could make a difference. Then again, she could've just stumbled upon your post, genuinely like it and thus click on like.

Now, her messaging you - that carries more weight. However, what was the content? A message like - "Hey, remember that party we went to in 2005? What a blast." carries less weight than a message where someone is sharing personal details about themselves and asking about your life. EDITED TO ADD: She has asked about your life, that's a good start.

Reply to her. It's the only way to find out what her intentions are. She might keep the conversation going or she might not. At least that way you'll get your answer.

Wishing you all the best!

It does sound like she's reaching out after a certain amount of space was created.

You both pulled back for different reasons and if you truly value her friendship, then proceed carefully.

I suspect if you encroach on that space inbetween friendship and something else, she'll pull back and create that distance again or disappear altogether.

You both obviously have different agendas. It's up to you if you can be ok with just being her friend and nothing more.

You said it yourself: you don't think your emotionally ready. That's my read, from your initial post, as a FB like and cursory message shouldn't trigger this kind of thing.

You repeatedly refer to her a friend, but this is clearly more than friendship for you. What that is, exactly, isn't for me to say, but it's what made her uncomfortable in version 1.0 and those emotions don't seem to have settled for a stable 2.0.

So I'd just let the message simmer for a bit—a few days, a few months. You'll know when you can engage—or not—and that will be when this whole thing doesn't trigger this level of volatility in you.

I think you are in denial about being in love with this girl. No one gets that clingy or obsessive over just a friend. So while you may claim it's just platonic, obviously on some level for you it is not. She probably felt smothered and now that you're gone misses the attention. I wouldn't read more into it. The fact that you know exactly how many months, weeks, days, hours it's been since you last had contact with each other tells me you're not ready to be in whatever role this girl has in mind for you in her life.

Yeah, I hate to pile on, but you're in your 40s, and she's only 26. And you talked about her being like a daughter, but at the same time you described her as a best friend (?). I think she was someone you were leaning on after your divorce and maybe she looked up to you as a father figure (?). But you mixed up your emotions with her, and she might have started feeling you were being a bit creepy, so she took a break from you.

You have to sort out your feelings. If you feel you can go back to being platonic friends, then you can DM her back and ask how she's doing. But if you're going to start falling in love with her again and start having romantic feelings for her, then you should keep away from her and just thank her for liking your post. But don't do the guy thing and wait days to answer her. Say something nice, but don't get creepy.

I suspect if you encroach on that space inbetween friendship and something else, she'll pull back and create that distance again or disappear altogether.

 

You both obviously have different agendas. It's up to you if you can be ok with just being her friend and nothing more.

Yes, all of this.

If you feel not ever developing a romantic relationship with her would make it difficult to be friends, I would reply in a friendly manner but not keep the conversation going.

I guarantee you she hasn't been counting the No Contact like you have; to me, that's very telling.

Thanks everyone. Just to clarify - I wasn't counting the days. I just remember that it was at lunchtime on my mother's birthday. When she reached out, I looked at a calendar and saw how long it was. That's all.

I have a question though. If my attention was too much/smothering/uncomfortable/creepy, then why would she be missing it or seeking it again? Is that just a natural thing people do? I mean, if I were on the other side of it and I was creeped out or smothered, I'd probably never try to talk to the person again after it seemed clear the ties were cut.

I never had any sexual thoughts or wanted to kiss her or anything like that - is that what y'all mean by "romantic feelings?" Yeah, I probably did (do) love her, but IN love? IDK You can love a friend, right?

Either way, thought about it all day and I'm going to respond lightly tomorrow and just see what happens. I think I'm strong enough to handle it now. Was just a little shocked yesterday and needed some clarity and perspective. Plus, I have to move on eventually, one way or the other. If a good response, I know to take it slow and not overstep the boundaries - and not be needy. If no response...well, at least I can live with myself knowing I tried.

Still can't figure out why this girl even means so much to me, though. I'm an intelligent guy and it just doesn't make any sense. I should go back to my therapist.

I don't think she is attention seeking. She is reminiscing because she still sees all the stuff on social media. I would reply "I ended up at x company after i left x. Hope life is treating you well/some signing off statement. that's it. Just answer her question. Don't offer to see her or meet up. Or just answer her question and leave it. Maybe hide some of your old posts with the both of you in it from your feed from a year ago so there is not as much to respond to. I do think there is sexual attraction on your part --- it doesn't have to be true love but maybe the ego boost that a younger woman provides. I would be tempted not to answer immediately --- wait a little while unless you decide not to respond

Yes, it is possible for a woman to miss your attention even if she has no feelings for you. I'll give you an example: all throughout college and some years beyond, I had a socially awkward male friend that I hung out with quite a bit given that we lived on the same floor, had classes together, etc. He had some annoying tendencies and quirks, like would make weird noises and poke me (and if I told him to stop, he'd keep doing it because he liked getting a rise out of people, etc.) but I liked certain qualities about him. He was dependable, loyal, a good listener, and smart. I lived with the queen bee of a clique on my floor who looked down on how I didn't care about materialism and fashion, so this guy was a nice respite. I knew he liked me and I also knew my friendship was important to him, so when he would occasionally make a romantic overture, I would decline his advances.

He got to the point where I felt smothered--if we went out to eat, he would sit in my booth with his leg touching mine, and I would scoot away, and he would scoot toward me, and eventually I would be smashed against the wall with no space for my arms. Haha! He started getting really resentful of other men in my life even though I had no romantic intentions for them and didn't date anyone for years. He would blog about me and overthink/analyze every move of mine and this started to annoy me. So on one hand, I appreciated his company and the good times we had, and on the other, I felt his passive aggressiveness and resentment and this led to me feeling very smothered.

Anyway, long story short: I cut him off for both of our sakes after he called me some names out of jealousy at a party when I took pictures with my other male friends. But after several months, I did miss the friendship that we had. I still didn't have feelings for him but I had always considered him a good friend since I liked our talks and he was the one person that I knew would be there if I called. He was a witness to a large chunk of my life and knew me on a level that most people don't. We got back in touch and eventually he disappeared after he found a girlfriend who must have sensed he liked me even though I never met her nor did he meet up with me while he was dating her (and I encouraged his relationship). He came crawling back after she dumped him mercilessly, I gave him hours of advice, and he promised that he would never allow another girl to cut off our friendship. A few months later, he met the woman who is now his wife and never invited me to meet her or hang out with our group of friends again. He actually seemed to rub it in my face that someone else wanted him and acted very patronizing toward me like he had life all figured out--I suspect he couldn't wait to get back at me for never dating him.

Clearly, despite his proclamations, this guy was never going to be satisfied with friendship. I don't think he ever tried to date anyone else until after I cut him off that one time telling him that he needed to move on and that I wanted him to be happy with someone, but that person wasn't going to be me. That's why I think you should make sure you don't have any hidden agendas with this woman, because being around her may prevent you from moving on and prevent you from being able to be a real friend to her. I agree that if you slip back into the same pattern and she feels smothered, she will make herself scarce. So, just say something light and simple if you have to respond, but I wouldn't make a concerted effort to keep the conversation rolling until you know exactly what your intentions are.

You did the right thing with sticking up for yourself and not willing to go along as just friends. She definitely was curious about you and wondering what you are up to by messaging you.

Here's what I would do. I would respond just briefly to see how she is....Who knows? Maybe she is interested in dating. I probably wouldn't stick around too much and just say after 5 mins or so that you gotta run, but you'd love to hear from her sometime....

If she is still just wanting to be friends just let her know that you can't be just friends, so if she happens to change her mind later on she can contact you and you would love to hear from her.

NEVER just go along with being friends with a woman when you want something more and she knows it. She will see this as weakness and you will be friend-zoned for the rest of your life.

Oh darn. I got told from the administrator I am not allowed to share videos. Sorry about that!