Do you think there's a chance we could get back together?

Ok, so I already posted in the breakup thread about trying to cope with it, but at the moment I'm struggling so badly/can't see my life without her and I feel like I need some other opinions on whether us getting back together is at all possible.

We'd been dating for like 2 years (at Uni) and had our issues, for example I had a higher sex drive, we didn't share too many interests, life goals etc .. but the biggest issue was her depression, which now and again reared its head in a really bad way and she would have major doubts about our relationship during that. Whilst she was staying at mine over the summer this happened again and she left, but she has had these doubts in the past and we've reconciled so I'm wondering if this is something she will regret down the line and try and reach out?

I know logically we had a lot of issues, the depression etc kept her in bed so often, but I feel like I was happy a lot of the time just being with her and having that companionship and I miss it so badly. It feels like everything ended so suddenly (she seemed ok the couple of weeks before then boom, came up with all these issues) and rather than being a considered decision she was in a bad place and made a snap decision. She spoke a lot about wanting to get help (therapy etc) for the depression and needing to be alone to do that, but to me that didn't make sense, having someone to help you through it is surely beneficial?

It's been 4 days since she left and we've had no contact, how long is it reasonable to wait until just giving up?

Right now you're simply in the throws of immediate loss, feeling the sudden void and wanting her back to make the pain go away. That's normal, but it's something you need to ride out on your own. Two years is a real investment, so it's going to take some time to recover. Four days is the blink of an eye. If you feel the same way in six months—well, then maybe it's worth reaching out and seeing what's what. Anything earlier is just noise and emotional exhaust fumes.

But try to be realistic and see past those immediate feelings, past the fumes. Yes, you want companionship—we all do. But you ultimately want it with someone who has a similar sex drive, shared interests, goals, values, and who has a grip on her her mental health. Your ex is none of those things, and it's those things that got you to this place.

What you miss right now is an idealized version of what you actually had. It's not about "giving up," but just accepting reality for what it is, as painful as it can be.

Right now you're simply in the throws of immediate loss, feeling the sudden void and wanting her back to make the pain go away. That's normal, but it's something you need to ride out on your own. Two years is a real investment, so it's going to take some time to recover. Four days is the blink of an eye. If you feel the same way in six months—well, then maybe it's worth reaching out and seeing what's what. Anything earlier is just noise and emotional exhaust fumes.

 

But try to be realistic and see past those immediate feelings, past the fumes. Yes, you want companionship—we all do. But you ultimately want it with someone who has a similar sex drive, shared interests, goals, values, and who has a grip on her her mental health. Your ex is none of those things, and it's those things that got you to this place.

 

What you miss right now is an idealized version of what you actually had. It's not about "giving up," but just accepting reality for what it is, as painful as it can be.

I guess so. I just feel like despite our differences we did have something, but you might be right that I could be idealising our relationship, I just can't shake the idea that we're both making ourselves miserable over a snap decision.

I guess so. I just feel like despite our differences we did have something, but you might be right that I could be idealising our relationship, I just can't shake the idea that we're both making ourselves miserable over a snap decision.

I know, buddy. I feel for you—been there. But like I said: four days is a blink. Sit with it all, feel what you need to feel, don't try to control it or react to the first feelings that come. Nothing has changed in terms of why it didn't work, which is to say it's not going to work tomorrow, just like it wasn't working four days ago.

I know, buddy. I feel for you—been there. But like I said: four days is a blink. Sit with it all, feel what you need to feel, don't try to control it or react to the first feelings that come. Nothing has changed in terms of why it didn't work, which is to say it's not going to work tomorrow, just like it wasn't working four days ago.

I don't know if maybe this break up will be the trigger she needs to confront her mental health issues though? That would be entirely dependent on how much she's struggling with the breakup though, and I honestly have no idea.

It might be. It might not be.

I speak from experience in telling you that the longer you hold onto those thoughts the longer you stay in an unhealthy place. What you wrote about your ex could apply to mine of 3 years. We had a lot of good, as well as a lot of places where we didn't see eye to eye, and the big elephant in the room was her depression.

Did the breakup change her? Is she doing better? I hope so, for her sake. But I'm not involved with her life, and haven't been for a year. It's a chapter that's closed, and the present one is all I'm focused on.

It might be. It might not be.

 

I speak from experience in telling you that the longer you hold onto those thoughts the longer you stay in an unhealthy place. What you wrote about your ex could apply to mine of 3 years. We had a lot of good, as well as a lot of places where we didn't see eye to eye, and the big elephant in the room was her depression.

 

Did the breakup change her? Is she doing better? I hope so, for her sake. But I'm not involved with her life, and haven't been for a year. It's a chapter that's closed, and the present one is all I'm focused on.

This is probably true .. at the moment I'm just fully holding on to the hope she'll message me in a few days, or even a couple of weeks, and be like 'I miss you so much etc' and then I can maybe lay down some groundrules if we did get back together.. but the logical side of me knows that even if she did message me like that, she'd never keep to any of the promises.

I dunno, I guess not knowing how she feels is hurting a lot, because if she's feeling ok about all this and just relieved it's over then at least I'd know that? And could just move on. I guess wondering if she's just feeling the same way as I am but not wanting to contact me out of pride or because she's already told her family etc and it feels final, like I just cant stop thinking about that. It sucks.

Also, I'm doing no contact at the moment, but she has a blazer of mine at her house that is kinda expensive and I want it sent back, we spoke about it and she said if she found it she'd message me but she hasn't done so. I know it's there though, so..

Do I message her and break no contact, purely just to say 'Hey, did you find it? Could you mail it to me I'll pay expenses etc' or wait a few weeks to do so, or just give up on it?

Right now you're just hungry for an excuse to contact her. I get it, been there.

You really don't need the blazer right now. Just wait a bit, occupy yourself with anything but this.

Right now you're just hungry for an excuse to contact her. I get it, been there.

 

You really don't need the blazer right now. Just wait a bit, occupy yourself with anything but this.

Fair, you're probably right.

It your blazer so your responsibility to go get it, not hers to hassle with packing it, sending it, etc. Do not use phone calls. Put in in text/writing. Set up a time to retrieve it. After 30 days she can toss it, legally if you don't do anything about it. However don't use it as an excuse to reconcile. Just set up a time to retrieve it.

she has a blazer of mine at her house that is kinda expensive and I want it sent back, we spoke about it and she said if she found it she'd message me but she hasn't done so. I know it's there

It your blazer so your responsibility to go get it, not hers to hassle with packing it, sending it, etc. Do not use phone calls. Put in in text/writing. Set up a time to retrieve it. After 30 days she can toss it, legally if you don't do anything about it. However don't use it as an excuse to reconcile. Just set up a time to retrieve it.

We spoke about if we find anything of each others, and both agreed we'd send it over and the other person would refund the packing fees. She's too far away (about a 4 hour train drive) for me to just pop over and grab it, so the best I can do is ask if she's found it and wouldn't mind posting it (as agreed).

I thought I would send her a text asking if she had found it, and if so wouldn't mind posting, but maybe wait a week or so? It's not that I really need it right now, and maybe I am searching for an excuse for any contact, but bottom line it is a decent blazer and I will genuinely need it at some point.

We ended the relationship kind of 'mutually'. We spoke about a few issues, she said 'I think I should maybe go home' and I said if she did so, the relationship would be over and she said that's fair. It was kind of both of us realising we had a lot of issues and that it would be best if we were apart, so there were no arguments etc, I doubt she'd throw something of mine out without contacting me.

I don't know if potentially we are both waiting for each other to reach out about stuff like this? Out of fear it'll be seen as an attempt to start talking.

Have you looked for and sent her things to her?

We spoke about if we find anything of each others, and both agreed we'd send it over

Have you looked for and sent her things to her?

I haven't found anything tbh.

The advantage she had in this respect is we broke up at mine. So she was able to go through the house and pack up everything, whereas its possible I have left a few things at hers because the idea was we'd go back there for a while post-summer. Honestly though, I don't think I left anything over than the blazer.

If I found something of hers which was valuable, I'd definitely pack it up and send it back. I've been pretty decent throughout the breakup, took her to the station, let her stay the night after we broke up, paid for a bus fare etc. And I didn't get angry with her despite her walking out on a relationship where honestly I'd done a lot for her.

Yeah, I decided I'll message her tomorrow about the blazer. Nothing personal just a 'Hey did you find it?' message. Since she initiated the breakup I doubt she'll be interested in any kind of further conversation and I won't be trying to start that.

I did think about leaving it for a couple of weeks, but it'd be a bit weird if I messaged her out of the blue after a few weeks have passed, purely about a blazer. It's been 5 days so I feel like that's enough time to have waited for her to message me saying she found it etc, I feel like because I was kinda cold when she messaged me the day after we broke up (purely to let me know she got home ok) she's going to wait for me to ask, which is fair since it's my property.

That's not really breaking no contact, is it? I feel like since it's over something formal/impersonal it doesn't really count. Whilst I feel like there is a sense of just wanting to reach out to her, I also genuinely just want it back as it's pretty expensive, I did mentioned it to her when she left mine, so ..

It does "count".

I do think you're reaching for excuses, but I also think obsessing over when and how to contact her about the gosh darned blazer won't do you any good either.

It does "count".

 

I do think you're reaching for excuses, but I also think obsessing over when and how to contact her about the gosh darned blazer won't do you any good either.

I feel like it's just getting something out of the way though, like I'm gunna have to contact her eventually over it anyway? I get that I am obsessing over something stupid and inconsequential, but it's better to have it dealt with now than like a couple of weeks down the road her messaging me about it. Or if I'm feeling even worse in a week or so and use it to try and start a conversation, whereas right now I feel like I can ask about it without it turning in to anything else.

I guess it does 'count', but it is something we discussed when we broke up, sending each others stuff back etc. It would literally just be a formal message asking if she's found it, no actual conversation or discussion. I'm also a bit worried it'll be seen by her as me trying to find any reason to contact her though.

I feel like it's just getting something out of the way though, like I'm gunna have to contact her eventually over it anyway? I get that I am obsessing over something stupid and inconsequential, but it's better to have it dealt with now than like a couple of weeks down the road her messaging me about it. Or if I'm feeling even worse in a week or so and use it to try and start a conversation, whereas right now I feel like I can ask about it without it turning in to anything else.

 

 

I guess it does 'count', but it is something we discussed when we broke up, sending each others stuff back etc. It would literally just be a formal message asking if she's found it, no actual conversation or discussion. I'm also a bit worried it'll be seen by her as me trying to find any reason to contact her though.

If you are deadset on getting this blazer back, then the longer you wait, the longer it will make you obsess over it and potentially over her.

Just get it out of the way, even if it hurts or is uncomfortable. Neither your nor her feelings matter enough in this to worry about how you ask for it or etc (so long as you aren't.. like breaking into her house or threatening her or something). If she can't find the blazer soon, ask for financial compensation or something.

People tend to tip-toe after breakups and drag their feet, so if you're serious about getting this blazer back, don't let yourself be a doormat over getting your thing back. Breakups are uncomfortable, and so I don't think there's much justification to say she shouldn't have to be uncomfortable to get this done with if it came to that. I'd just treat it like straightforward or "cold" business.

If you are deadset on getting this blazer back, then the longer you wait, the longer it will make you obsess over it and potentially over her.

 

Just get it out of the way, even if it hurts or is uncomfortable. Neither your nor her feelings matter enough in this to worry about how you ask for it or etc (so long as you aren't.. like breaking into her house or threatening her or something). If she can't find the blazer soon, ask for financial compensation or something.

 

People tend to tip-toe after breakups and drag their feet, so if you're serious about getting this blazer back, don't let yourself be a doormat over getting your thing back. Breakups are uncomfortable, and so I don't think there's much justification to say she shouldn't have to be uncomfortable to get this done with if it came to that. I'd just treat it like straightforward or "cold" business.

Yeah, I'll message her ASAP and be polite but straightforward about it. Then it's out of the way.

I get that it's stupid, I mean it's just a blazer .. but I'm weirdly fixated on it being like a last connection, which I know is weird.

If you view a piece of clothing as a "connection" then it's best to get the thing back asap so you no longer have any silly excuses to contact her and try to say it "doesn't count".

However, if you are using it as an excuse to stay connected, be prepared to feel a let down once you have it back. Because you'll have run out of excuses to contact her and it will probably hurt afterward. But that's ok; it's totally normal.

Do not get hung up on "no contact rules". That's not the point. If you want your item send an email or text stating In Writing that you want it. Make sure you check your own place, suitcases, whatever First. Keep it simple and Stop any 'how are you blah blah' stuff. For example: "Did you find my blazer? If so please text me the costs and have it sent to me". Period.

Do not send repeated messages unless you want a restraining order slapped on you. Do not call. Once someone ends things even if it's a lame excuse "working on myself" whatever, don't be obtuse and believe this means they still want you, there's a chance if you follow "no contact to get her back" rules, etc.

I'm gunna have to contact her eventually over it anyway? I get that I am obsessing over something stupid and inconsequential, but it's better to have it dealt with now than like a couple of weeks down the road her messaging me about it.

Do not get hung up on "no contact rules". That's not the point. If you want your item send an email or text stating In Writing that you want it. Make sure you check your own place, suitcases, whatever First. Keep it simple and Stop any 'how are you blah blah' stuff. For example: "Did you find my blazer? If so please text me the costs and have it sent to me". Period.

 

Do not send repeated messages unless you want a restraining order slapped on you. Do not call. Once someone ends things even if it's a lame excuse "working on myself" whatever, don't be obtuse and believe this means they still want you, there's a chance if you follow "no contact to get her back" rules, etc.

Nah, don't worry I just sent a formal message asking if she had found it. I'm not interested in the 'how are yous' or any repeated messages, I'm not going to make an idiot out of myself. I'll confess to clinging on to some stupid hope she'll come back but rationally I know she walked out, she was unhappy and that isn't going to have changed.

I've seen the 'no contact to get her back' stuff and was actually quite convinced at first when I was at my most desperate, but have since realised it's just a bunch of people trying to prey on people's vulnerability. Even if people come back in to your life because you don't contact them, it won't be for the right reasons. It's just giving people false hope that their relationship isn't dead.

She hasn't read it yet but I think she's asleep since FB says she hasn't been active in 12 hours (she sleeps .. a lot) so I'll wait on that.

My appetite is becoming a real concern though, genuinely. I didn't eat for an entire day aside from a couple of cookies (even that was hard to swallow) and today I just made myself a bowl of pasta which I'm just staring at and feel sick at the thought of trying to eat. At absolute best I'm having one small meal a day and a couple of snacks.

It's seriously worrying because I am not a big guy to start with, so if I lose some weight it could be a real issue, but I honestly don't know what to do. I'm trying at the moment to drink a lot of protein packed shakes and stuff because that's the only way I can get anything down.

The lack of appetite is probably temporary. In the meantime, do as you are doing...snacks (healthy ones), frozen yogurt, maybe some Carnation Instant Breakfast or (my favorite) Ovaltine which mixes with milk and has a lot of vitamins. Also, try to go out for meals with friends. I usually eat more with my friends because I'm busy talking with them and am not focusing on my plate and kind of go into autopilot.

I think it's good you're getting this blazer thing out of the way immediately. That way you can keep your focus on what's important.

And BTW, I'm glad you see those "Get your ex back, guaranteed!!!!!111" are scams trying to score money from heartbroken people. They don't work anyway.

The lack of appetite is probably temporary. In the meantime, do as you are doing...snacks (healthy ones), frozen yogurt, maybe some Carnation Instant Breakfast or (my favorite) Ovaltine which mixes with milk and has a lot of vitamins. Also, try to go out for meals with friends. I usually eat more with my friends because I'm busy talking with them and am not focusing on my plate and kind of go into autopilot.

 

I think it's good you're getting this blazer thing out of the way immediately. That way you can keep your focus on what's important.

 

And BTW, I'm glad you see those "Get your ex back, guaranteed!!!!!111" are scams trying to score money from heartbroken people. They don't work anyway.

It's crap. Imagine trying to profit off people being at their lowest, usually I'd say people who fall for this stuff are stupid but really I can imagine intelligent people being taken in, if they're desperate enough.

Thanks for the advice, I'll stick to small snacks/protein shakes etc, because meals are just a no go at the moment.