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Cut My Mother Out After My 30th Birthday


rmarkham88

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Last month, the night before my 30th birthday, my mother and I had a huge falling out. She decided to change my birthday plans, after my partner had already planned and invited everyone.

 

Instead of the lunch plans we'd made, she requested we cancel it and go for a late dinner with my father and brother, both of whom play no big role in my life and for lack of better term, ignore me. She was apparently planning this all along and instead of telling my partner, she waited until the last minute and freaked out.

 

When I reached out to try and tell her I didn't want to do that, she lashed out, called me names and screamed at me. My father has been recently having kidney issues, so she decided to play the dying father card too. I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore, I was getting very angry and was afraid I'd say something worse.

 

I had a horrible birthday, I was moody all day, and had to cancel my birthday lunch. My mother effectively ruined my birthday, my 30th, which I wasn't looking forward to much already.

 

We all ended up for dinner, and both my mom and dad ignored me and barely said one word to me during dinner, it was awful. Fake and totally conjured up for her social media, as per usual. My spoiled younger brother, who never even texted me on my birthday didn't even bother showing up.

 

I cut my mother out of my life the next day. It's been about 40 days. My sister took me to get a tattoo with her for my 30th 3 days ago and afterwards on our way home, my mom called my sister, furious and was upset that she wasn't invited to come. I got home and after showering, noticed my father had called and left me a nasty text message telling me I caused a bunch of BS and to call my mother.

 

I lashed out and called him out on the fact that he doesn't know me and has never attempted to understand me as a person, only from what my mother tells him. He's never been a loving father, never hugged me growing up and never took the time to know me as an adult. The only way he knows how to love is monetary and trust me, I barely got any of that.

 

I'm just so shocked that my mother still doesn't understand why I was angry with her in the first place. She's so oblivious to her own actions and never owns up to anything. I called her out and she lost it on me and ruined my day and for what? So my brother who is as selfish as they come could go and not even bother showing up?

 

I don't know what to do, I've been losing sleep after the text from my father. I didn't even want him to get involved but I knew my mom would make him eventually.

 

I don't want her to just think it's okay to continue this relationship with me, it's not working and hasn't for sometime. My mother has deep issues, she was sexually abused as a child. And while I understand this, she has never attempted to get psychological help and always reminds me of how easy I had it. She belittles every personal struggle I've ever had because she says her childhood was worse than mine. I once told her she didn't know what it was like to be a bullied gay boy and she countered it of course with her awful childhood blah blah blah.

 

I'm at a loss, I don't know how to deal with her anymore. Sometimes I don't even think I love her anymore.

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Just because they are blood related does not make it an obligation to have them in your life. Your sister sounds like the only sound person you have in your family and your mom tried to ruin that too. I don’t know why your sister wasn’t mentioned in the birthday dinner debacle.

 

These people make your life stressful. And you changed your whole plan for YOUR birthday. If they want to be a part of your life then they need to bend and do what you want to do for your day, not the other way around.

 

If they can’t accept your lifestyle... and holy cow says “she didn’t know what it was like to be a bullied gay boy” what are you doing being around these people?

 

I understand wanting to be accepted by your parents but wow you don’t deserve to be beat up verbally because of your lifestyle.

 

She makes it all about her. You’re her child and this was your birthday. It was about you.

 

I would consider only keeping the positive influences in your life. Until you do, you will always be beating yourself up for being you.

 

Sadly blood is not everything. I guarantee you have others in your life that back you up and treat you better than this.

 

Don’t let your family control your life any longer. Take control and make that happiness yourself. You don’t need anyone else’s confirmation for that.

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Yeah, mothers have a way of doing things like this. I don't understand why you couldn't do both lunch and a late dinner, but it's too late now. It's probably best to let things calm down and maybe at some point you can invite mom out to a make-up dinner ... like maybe around Christmas time. Good luck!

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Welcome to the flip that positions you as the adult in your relationship with your parents. You can either adopt that role gracefully and to your advantage, or you can hang onto the child role that keeps you feeling wounded and at the mercy of your parents limitations.

 

If you want to change this dynamic for yourself, you'll need to give up the victimized child role. You're 30. You were perfectly capable of planning any kind of bday celebration you wanted, and to invite whomever you wished, whenever you wished, and to the venue of your own choice.

 

Instead, you casted yourself as a dependant of your parents and believed yourself to be dragged around by their wishes. This positioned you to be angry with them rather than in control of you own day--your own way.

 

Another option to cutting your parents out would be just to cut yourself loose from that kind of dependency into your own version of adulthood, from which you can use the right degrees of discretion in how much information you'll give your parents and how much control you'll give them over your own events.

 

You've grown aware of your parents' limits in terms of qualities you admire. That's the wall we each hit, and it's our stepping stone for taking over own own raising of ourselves forever forward. You get to decide whether you'll continue to operate within the constraints of your parents, or whether you'll grow beyond those to demonstrate the generosity and compassion your parents were unable to teach you--and whether you'll become a model of the kind of behavior you'll want your parents to learn HOW to adopt toward you in the future.

 

Head high, and choose wisely.

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You got some great advice here. I had major issues with my mother too and I cut her out of my life. She played the victim far too many times and I reached a point where I wasnt going to let this happen anymore. I'm sorry your birthday got so messed up but now it's time to turn that around and start doing the things you want and need to do that suit you. Negative people just sap the joy out of life and I believe they need to be removed from one's life as they are toxic.

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My father has not been to any of my birthdays in 27 years. My 24th Birthday was the last he attended. Just do your own thing for your birthday. You are grown now. I know what it is like to desperately want a happy loving relationship with a parent. Unfortunately we don’t all get that and it is so hard to move on and let go. At this point you will have to re parent yourself. I know it is hard not to let these people rile you up but you really need to let it go.

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Sorry to hear this. Your mother sounds like a drama queen and you are smart to distance yourself as much as possible.

Last month, the night before my 30th birthday, my mother and I had a huge falling out. She decided to change my birthday plans, after my partner had already planned and invited everyone. I once told her she didn't know what it was like to be a bullied gay boy and she countered it of course with her awful .
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Like you, I have a drama queen for a mother.

 

As others have said, it’s not only ok, but wise, to take a step back.

 

Many years ago, I distanced myself from her, but not completely. Today, we have what I classify as a “professionally courteous” relationship. I share almost nothing with her about my life, and we chat about the weather, movies, and the like, before saying our pleasant goodbyes.

 

The last time I had a screaming, crying hang-up phone call was many years ago, as I vowed I’d never live through it again. And I haven’t. I advise you to do the same.

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