Jump to content

reverting to old patterns of behaviour - all the walls come crashing down


Chai

Recommended Posts

Hello all :-)

 

I am sorry to write with a request for advice / support AGAIN in such a short period of time. Some of you have been particularly supportive, and I am hoping that you will simply ignore this post if you are tired of me!

 

The problem at this point, is the fact that over the last few days, or ever since I became ill (last Friday), my walls have come tumbling down, one by one. First I wrote two days in a row on my nutrition blog, then I put my hobby Instagram accounts (nutrition, psychology) back to their original branded addresses.

 

At every step, I have wanted to open up my soul, my mind and my world to Turtle. On Sunday night, on my nutrition blog I posted a personal post about the avalanche of tears behind my eyes where Turtle is concerned, and that I felt as though he had touched my heart like no one else, and it was one of the most important connections of my life.

 

The next post was a kind of frustrated hitting out about the fact that he leaves me with absolutely nothing. Not a song, not a word, nothing.

 

That night, maybe because I had changed my profile picture on my nutrition page on Facebook, this guy (who is too young for me, and in another country), hit on my website from Facebook. He would have copped a bit of an overview of this situation with two excerpts from the turtle scenario and two excerpts from schizophrenia posts, so there was that. It doesn't bother me all THAT much, but it is not so good.

 

Of course, I deleted all those posts, but as I was in so much distress medically, I reached out again that day with an update on my condition. Then later, I backtracked and closed the whole site down again, until the next morning when, although I did remove any kind of personal posts, I did continue on, as I feel compelled to discuss my theories and thoughts about gut absorption and medication.

 

Are you starting to get a picture of the chaos, and my distress? I feel like the blog(s) allow me to stand outside my thoughts and remain an observer (which is oh so important in schizophrenia). I also feel as though they support me in very real and tangible ways. However, especially when I am ill, I can't seem to manage the connection with Turtle and the (perceived) attention that he gives me.

 

Yesterday, I made my personal Instagram account public and opened up my personal blog again. It feels terrible to write this. Why did I do that? But my psychologist has told me in the past that when we are stressed / sick / etc we often revert back to old patterns of behaviour. It was as though I wanted to bring down all the walls and get as close to Turtle as I could, but in the light of day, that doesn't feel too good.

 

I am just not sure what to do from this point. Thanks for your thoughts!

Chai :-)

Link to comment

Chai, you need to get outside and stop spending your time on the Internet with your blogs and attracting strange guys over the Internet. Why don't you take up drawing? Get a sketch book and pencil and go outside and draw. People will start talking to you and you can interact with people and your environment. Or write in a personal (paper) journal, not online.

 

I think I know what figureitout23 is asking. I think Turtle represents your addiction and your personal problems. You have to move away from Turtle, not take him back in your life.

Link to comment

Thanks for your input - both :-)

 

I think you are right - get outside! Do something else :-) Get some sunshine for a start. It really is excellent advice. Thank you!

 

In terms of 'who is Turtle', it is not immediately obvious, and I am not completely well at the moment (evidently), but maybe Turtle is just some extension of my own incapacity to validate myself. Is that what you mean?

 

I am so tired!

Thanks for your thoughts :-)

Link to comment
In terms of 'who is Turtle', it is not immediately obvious, and I am not completely well at the moment (evidently), but maybe Turtle is just some extension of my own incapacity to validate myself. Is that what you mean?

 

No, it's not obvious at all, I'm afraid. I don't understand. Turtle is not a real person?

Link to comment

Hey guys!!

 

Sorry for the confusion!! Turtle is the person who reads my blogs. He doesn't speak to me, he is a real person (so far as I am aware), and I have an inkling as to his human identity, but I am not completely sure.

 

In other news, I just got my period and had a nap this afternoon. I feel a MILLION times better. The extra 100mg of medication that my psychiatrist suggested has done a beautiful job so far!

 

Cheers :-)

Chai

Link to comment

You've posted about this person you call "Turtle" in the healing after breakup forum. But you never actually directly communicated with this person let alone had a relationship with them?

 

You've also said in other threads that you aren't even sure if this person is male or female. So that is why we are all confused.

 

It does seem like you realize you live in a kind of alternate reality at times, which is a positive. And you are getting professional help, another positive.

Link to comment

 

In terms of 'who is Turtle', it is not immediately obvious, and I am not completely well at the moment (evidently), but maybe Turtle is just some extension of my own incapacity to validate myself. Is that what you mean?

 

I am so tired!

Thanks for your thoughts :-)

 

Yes, my question was simply who/what is he to you. Thansk for clarifying.

Link to comment

Hehe, just to clarify. Turtle is this guy who worked in a cafe in the town I used to live in. There was a bit of a kafuffle between us, and I had reason to believe that it was him who started reading my blog. He moved away in 2011, but still kept reading my blog (I think), however, he returned to that small town at the end of 2015, actually just after I left to go to Melbourne, so that may not be a coincidence. He works as a physiotherapist now, and that is pretty much all I know about him, except for the fact that he rides a skateboard, likes to jog and is very cute.

 

In terms of where the 'attachment' came from. I know it is hard to imagine, but the person who read my blog, whether it was Turtle or someone else was so incredibly attentive and supported me with their consistent attention and electronic chocolate. It is strange, but I felt so incredibly supported as time went on, and the blog, the fact that I had someone in my corner as it were, interested in what I have to say helped me to go places in my life I never thought was possible. It was just the attention that helped me to try new things.

Link to comment

How was this person (who may or may not be the cafe guy) being "incredibly attentive" and "supportive"? Did they contact you? Or do you view anyone who reads your blog the same way?

 

What is "electronic chocolate"?

 

I'm asking questions because I'm trying to understand. It seems to me you view this person (who you are not sure who it is) as someone you're involved with because they read what you post online. But to me it's like the book I'm in the middle of reading. I don't think the author of the book and I are connected in any way just because I read what they wrote.

 

If there have been more personal interactions, then I may be mistaken. But you're pretty vague with your descriptions of these interactions you have with this person, so it's confusing.

Link to comment

How do you know who reads your blog?? Do you actually interact with this person? (Sorry, I'm still confused. I don't understand how you know who reads your blog, or anything else online for that matter. People are invisible behind a screen. Yes, I am still soooo confused ..... :-/

Link to comment

Thank you for your questions! They really do make me 'stop' and take a good hard look at what might be going on here.

 

I mentioned in my thread 'journey out of the abyss' that where I perceive the 'support' and 'attention' is kind of like a form of validation. As someone who has always struggled with using my voice, it has been really quite helpful to have Turtle (or someone else), to validate my thoughts and feelings. He does this through a kind of feedback, which involves hitting on my page.

 

That is why I named my thread 'journey out of the abyss', because at its worst, I don't KNOW that it is him, but some part of me believes that he is there, and so it feels as though I am throwing my heart over a cliff, or into an abyss.

 

The 'electronic chocolate' is the 'hit' that I get on my page to show that someone has been there. My psychologist called it that, because it is the kind of addictive substance, that keeps me coming back. It is like a gambling addiction in a lot of ways, but those little 'hits' of Turtle's (or someone else's) attention do give my brain a burst of dopamine, or so I believe, and that is why I call it 'his attention', electronic chocolate.

 

Writing this out makes me feel incredibly embarrassed. Just on Tuesday, I made a huge breakthrough. I thought to myself when I was up the street doing my shopping that 'if Turtle cared for me, I would know about it. I shouldn't have to be scratching around for some scrap of attention'. And yet, I get back into it, and 'we' fall into the same patterns.

 

The worst thing is that I am sort of giving my love to a ghost in a way, because I have no EVIDENCE that it is him there.

Link to comment

In June sometime, I actually cut 'him' off, as you know and pretty much put up a whole heap of boundaries to keep me from seeing 'him' or getting any kind of electronic chocolate.

 

At the time I thought: 'the proof is in the pudding', because he did NOTHING to stop me. Nothing. And doesn't that really just mean that he was never there to begin with? And it is all a construct of my mind?

 

That was the conclusion that I came to, and yet, because I have been sick lately, all the walls came crashing down, and now I am back to where I began pretty much. Just with a bit more insight (and your help)!

 

Do you know what? I think that @DanZee is right. I think that engaging with people on the internet just attracts the 'wrong kind of person' and I need to step away from this computer. I know it is addictive, and my whole career is based on the web at the moment, but maybe I could benefit from just leaving well enough alone.

Link to comment
In June sometime, I actually cut 'him' off, as you know and pretty much put up a whole heap of boundaries to keep me from seeing 'him' or getting any kind of electronic chocolate.

 

What, exactly, has this reader 'said' to you--any kind of written message? And how did you cut that off?

 

At the time I thought: 'the proof is in the pudding', because he did NOTHING to stop me. Nothing.

 

What, exactly, could this reader have done?

 

And doesn't that really just mean that he was never there to begin with? And it is all a construct of my mind?

 

Yes, probably. It sounds as though you've been projecting all this 'stuff' onto a page count.

 

What, exactly, was the incident at the coffee shop with this person? How long ago was it?

 

I think that engaging with people on the internet just attracts the 'wrong kind of person' and I need to step away from this computer. I know it is addictive, and my whole career is based on the web at the moment, but maybe I could benefit from just leaving well enough alone.

 

Consider your tendency to use dramatic language like abyss and walls crashing. Then consider framing things instead on a scale of 1 to 10 to avoid black and white, all or nothing thinking. If you start plotting any given interaction, incident, event in your life on the scale, you'll see that there is a lot of real estate between the two extremes of 1 and 10. That's how to find 'balance'.

 

Balance is the thing we all tend to forget. We see things in term of opposites rather than a gradient scale where we can shoot for middle ground using the best attributes of any choices and skipping the most extreme 'snap' to the complete opposite behavior, which is also an extreme.

 

This avoids a roller coaster ride and keeps realistic and practical options close at hand.

 

Be accurate and specific in your reporting. Avoid abstractions that mean different things to different people. When you break your actions and interpretations of those of others down into specifics with accuracy, you'll avoid projecting larger than life 'stories' onto minutia. Then you won't need to counter those with extreme behaviors, because you'll be resolving real stuff instead of inventing giant abstractions to combat.

 

Head high, darling, you're doing great.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Hehe, just to clarify. Turtle is this guy who worked in a cafe in the town I used to live in. There was a bit of a kafuffle between us, and I had reason to believe that it was him who started reading my blog. He moved away in 2011, but still kept reading my blog (I think), however, he returned to that small town at the end of 2015, actually just after I left to go to Melbourne, so that may not be a coincidence. He works as a physiotherapist now, and that is pretty much all I know about him, except for the fact that he rides a skateboard, likes to jog and is very cute.

 

In terms of where the 'attachment' came from. I know it is hard to imagine, but the person who read my blog, whether it was Turtle or someone else was so incredibly attentive and supported me with their consistent attention and electronic chocolate. It is strange, but I felt so incredibly supported as time went on, and the blog, the fact that I had someone in my corner as it were, interested in what I have to say helped me to go places in my life I never thought was possible. It was just the attention that helped me to try new things.

 

Did this Turtle person commented on your blog and communicated with you there?

Link to comment
What, exactly, has this reader 'said' to you--any kind of written message? And how did you cut that off?

 

 

 

What, exactly, could this reader have done?

 

 

 

Yes, probably. It sounds as though you've been projecting all this 'stuff' onto a page count.

 

What, exactly, was the incident at the coffee shop with this person? How long ago was it?

 

 

 

Consider your tendency to use dramatic language like abyss and walls crashing. Then consider framing things instead on a scale of 1 to 10 to avoid black and white, all or nothing thinking. If you start plotting any given interaction, incident, event in your life on the scale, you'll see that there is a lot of real estate between the two extremes of 1 and 10. That's how to find 'balance'.

 

Balance is the thing we all tend to forget. We see things in term of opposites rather than a gradient scale where we can shoot for middle ground using the best attributes of any choices and skipping the most extreme 'snap' to the complete opposite behavior, which is also an extreme.

 

This avoids a roller coaster ride and keeps realistic and practical options close at hand.

 

Be accurate and specific in your reporting. Avoid abstractions that mean different things to different people. When you break your actions and interpretations of those of others down into specifics with accuracy, you'll avoid projecting larger than life 'stories' onto minutia. Then you won't need to counter those with extreme behaviors, because you'll be resolving real stuff instead of inventing giant abstractions to combat.

 

Head high, darling, you're doing great.

 

Right on the money as usually.

 

OP, are you sick at home for psychiatric reasons? (sorry, I haven't been following your threads and I'm a bit out of the loop)

 

It seems to me that despite still stuck on your fantasy internet world, you're having some important break throughs and that you're making good progress.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...