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Thread: reverting to old patterns of behaviour - all the walls come crashing down

  1. #11
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Chai

    In terms of 'who is Turtle', it is not immediately obvious, and I am not completely well at the moment (evidently), but maybe Turtle is just some extension of my own incapacity to validate myself. Is that what you mean?

    I am so tired!
    Thanks for your thoughts :-)
    Yes, my question was simply who/what is he to you. Thansk for clarifying.

  2. #12
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Hehe, just to clarify. Turtle is this guy who worked in a cafe in the town I used to live in. There was a bit of a kafuffle between us, and I had reason to believe that it was him who started reading my blog. He moved away in 2011, but still kept reading my blog (I think), however, he returned to that small town at the end of 2015, actually just after I left to go to Melbourne, so that may not be a coincidence. He works as a physiotherapist now, and that is pretty much all I know about him, except for the fact that he rides a skateboard, likes to jog and is very cute.

    In terms of where the 'attachment' came from. I know it is hard to imagine, but the person who read my blog, whether it was Turtle or someone else was so incredibly attentive and supported me with their consistent attention and electronic chocolate. It is strange, but I felt so incredibly supported as time went on, and the blog, the fact that I had someone in my corner as it were, interested in what I have to say helped me to go places in my life I never thought was possible. It was just the attention that helped me to try new things.

  3. #13
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    How was this person (who may or may not be the cafe guy) being "incredibly attentive" and "supportive"? Did they contact you? Or do you view anyone who reads your blog the same way?

    What is "electronic chocolate"?

    I'm asking questions because I'm trying to understand. It seems to me you view this person (who you are not sure who it is) as someone you're involved with because they read what you post online. But to me it's like the book I'm in the middle of reading. I don't think the author of the book and I are connected in any way just because I read what they wrote.

    If there have been more personal interactions, then I may be mistaken. But you're pretty vague with your descriptions of these interactions you have with this person, so it's confusing.

  4. #14
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    How do you know who reads your blog?? Do you actually interact with this person? (Sorry, I'm still confused. I don't understand how you know who reads your blog, or anything else online for that matter. People are invisible behind a screen. Yes, I am still soooo confused ..... :-/

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Thank you for your questions! They really do make me 'stop' and take a good hard look at what might be going on here.

    I mentioned in my thread 'journey out of the abyss' that where I perceive the 'support' and 'attention' is kind of like a form of validation. As someone who has always struggled with using my voice, it has been really quite helpful to have Turtle (or someone else), to validate my thoughts and feelings. He does this through a kind of feedback, which involves hitting on my page.

    That is why I named my thread 'journey out of the abyss', because at its worst, I don't KNOW that it is him, but some part of me believes that he is there, and so it feels as though I am throwing my heart over a cliff, or into an abyss.

    The 'electronic chocolate' is the 'hit' that I get on my page to show that someone has been there. My psychologist called it that, because it is the kind of addictive substance, that keeps me coming back. It is like a gambling addiction in a lot of ways, but those little 'hits' of Turtle's (or someone else's) attention do give my brain a burst of dopamine, or so I believe, and that is why I call it 'his attention', electronic chocolate.

    Writing this out makes me feel incredibly embarrassed. Just on Tuesday, I made a huge breakthrough. I thought to myself when I was up the street doing my shopping that 'if Turtle cared for me, I would know about it. I shouldn't have to be scratching around for some scrap of attention'. And yet, I get back into it, and 'we' fall into the same patterns.

    The worst thing is that I am sort of giving my love to a ghost in a way, because I have no EVIDENCE that it is him there.

  7. #16
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    In June sometime, I actually cut 'him' off, as you know and pretty much put up a whole heap of boundaries to keep me from seeing 'him' or getting any kind of electronic chocolate.

    At the time I thought: 'the proof is in the pudding', because he did NOTHING to stop me. Nothing. And doesn't that really just mean that he was never there to begin with? And it is all a construct of my mind?

    That was the conclusion that I came to, and yet, because I have been sick lately, all the walls came crashing down, and now I am back to where I began pretty much. Just with a bit more insight (and your help)!

    Do you know what? I think that @DanZee is right. I think that engaging with people on the internet just attracts the 'wrong kind of person' and I need to step away from this computer. I know it is addictive, and my whole career is based on the web at the moment, but maybe I could benefit from just leaving well enough alone.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Chai
    In June sometime, I actually cut 'him' off, as you know and pretty much put up a whole heap of boundaries to keep me from seeing 'him' or getting any kind of electronic chocolate.
    What, exactly, has this reader 'said' to you--any kind of written message? And how did you cut that off?

    Originally Posted by Chai
    At the time I thought: 'the proof is in the pudding', because he did NOTHING to stop me. Nothing.
    What, exactly, could this reader have done?

    Originally Posted by Chai
    And doesn't that really just mean that he was never there to begin with? And it is all a construct of my mind?
    Yes, probably. It sounds as though you've been projecting all this 'stuff' onto a page count.

    What, exactly, was the incident at the coffee shop with this person? How long ago was it?

    Originally Posted by Chai
    I think that engaging with people on the internet just attracts the 'wrong kind of person' and I need to step away from this computer. I know it is addictive, and my whole career is based on the web at the moment, but maybe I could benefit from just leaving well enough alone.
    Consider your tendency to use dramatic language like abyss and walls crashing. Then consider framing things instead on a scale of 1 to 10 to avoid black and white, all or nothing thinking. If you start plotting any given interaction, incident, event in your life on the scale, you'll see that there is a lot of real estate between the two extremes of 1 and 10. That's how to find 'balance'.

    Balance is the thing we all tend to forget. We see things in term of opposites rather than a gradient scale where we can shoot for middle ground using the best attributes of any choices and skipping the most extreme 'snap' to the complete opposite behavior, which is also an extreme.

    This avoids a roller coaster ride and keeps realistic and practical options close at hand.

    Be accurate and specific in your reporting. Avoid abstractions that mean different things to different people. When you break your actions and interpretations of those of others down into specifics with accuracy, you'll avoid projecting larger than life 'stories' onto minutia. Then you won't need to counter those with extreme behaviors, because you'll be resolving real stuff instead of inventing giant abstractions to combat.

    Head high, darling, you're doing great.

  9. #18
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    OP, I admit I am still confused.

    How do you know who is reading your blog and contributing to your hit count? What is it that leads you to believe it's this one specific person? And what happened in the coffee shop?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Chai
    Hehe, just to clarify. Turtle is this guy who worked in a cafe in the town I used to live in. There was a bit of a kafuffle between us, and I had reason to believe that it was him who started reading my blog. He moved away in 2011, but still kept reading my blog (I think), however, he returned to that small town at the end of 2015, actually just after I left to go to Melbourne, so that may not be a coincidence. He works as a physiotherapist now, and that is pretty much all I know about him, except for the fact that he rides a skateboard, likes to jog and is very cute.

    In terms of where the 'attachment' came from. I know it is hard to imagine, but the person who read my blog, whether it was Turtle or someone else was so incredibly attentive and supported me with their consistent attention and electronic chocolate. It is strange, but I felt so incredibly supported as time went on, and the blog, the fact that I had someone in my corner as it were, interested in what I have to say helped me to go places in my life I never thought was possible. It was just the attention that helped me to try new things.
    Did this Turtle person commented on your blog and communicated with you there?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    What, exactly, has this reader 'said' to you--any kind of written message? And how did you cut that off?



    What, exactly, could this reader have done?



    Yes, probably. It sounds as though you've been projecting all this 'stuff' onto a page count.

    What, exactly, was the incident at the coffee shop with this person? How long ago was it?



    Consider your tendency to use dramatic language like abyss and walls crashing. Then consider framing things instead on a scale of 1 to 10 to avoid black and white, all or nothing thinking. If you start plotting any given interaction, incident, event in your life on the scale, you'll see that there is a lot of real estate between the two extremes of 1 and 10. That's how to find 'balance'.

    Balance is the thing we all tend to forget. We see things in term of opposites rather than a gradient scale where we can shoot for middle ground using the best attributes of any choices and skipping the most extreme 'snap' to the complete opposite behavior, which is also an extreme.

    This avoids a roller coaster ride and keeps realistic and practical options close at hand.

    Be accurate and specific in your reporting. Avoid abstractions that mean different things to different people. When you break your actions and interpretations of those of others down into specifics with accuracy, you'll avoid projecting larger than life 'stories' onto minutia. Then you won't need to counter those with extreme behaviors, because you'll be resolving real stuff instead of inventing giant abstractions to combat.

    Head high, darling, you're doing great.
    Right on the money as usually.

    OP, are you sick at home for psychiatric reasons? (sorry, I haven't been following your threads and I'm a bit out of the loop)

    It seems to me that despite still stuck on your fantasy internet world, you're having some important break throughs and that you're making good progress.

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