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Thread: reverting to old patterns of behaviour - all the walls come crashing down

  1. #1
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    reverting to old patterns of behaviour - all the walls come crashing down

    Hello all :-)

    I am sorry to write with a request for advice / support AGAIN in such a short period of time. Some of you have been particularly supportive, and I am hoping that you will simply ignore this post if you are tired of me!

    The problem at this point, is the fact that over the last few days, or ever since I became ill (last Friday), my walls have come tumbling down, one by one. First I wrote two days in a row on my nutrition blog, then I put my hobby Instagram accounts (nutrition, psychology) back to their original branded addresses.

    At every step, I have wanted to open up my soul, my mind and my world to Turtle. On Sunday night, on my nutrition blog I posted a personal post about the avalanche of tears behind my eyes where Turtle is concerned, and that I felt as though he had touched my heart like no one else, and it was one of the most important connections of my life.

    The next post was a kind of frustrated hitting out about the fact that he leaves me with absolutely nothing. Not a song, not a word, nothing.

    That night, maybe because I had changed my profile picture on my nutrition page on Facebook, this guy (who is too young for me, and in another country), hit on my website from Facebook. He would have copped a bit of an overview of this situation with two excerpts from the turtle scenario and two excerpts from schizophrenia posts, so there was that. It doesn't bother me all THAT much, but it is not so good.

    Of course, I deleted all those posts, but as I was in so much distress medically, I reached out again that day with an update on my condition. Then later, I backtracked and closed the whole site down again, until the next morning when, although I did remove any kind of personal posts, I did continue on, as I feel compelled to discuss my theories and thoughts about gut absorption and medication.

    Are you starting to get a picture of the chaos, and my distress? I feel like the blog(s) allow me to stand outside my thoughts and remain an observer (which is oh so important in schizophrenia). I also feel as though they support me in very real and tangible ways. However, especially when I am ill, I can't seem to manage the connection with Turtle and the (perceived) attention that he gives me.

    Yesterday, I made my personal Instagram account public and opened up my personal blog again. It feels terrible to write this. Why did I do that? But my psychologist has told me in the past that when we are stressed / sick / etc we often revert back to old patterns of behaviour. It was as though I wanted to bring down all the walls and get as close to Turtle as I could, but in the light of day, that doesn't feel too good.

    I am just not sure what to do from this point. Thanks for your thoughts!
    Chai :-)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Who is turtle.

    Not who you perceive him to be but the cold hard truth, who is he?

  3. #3
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    Chai, you need to get outside and stop spending your time on the Internet with your blogs and attracting strange guys over the Internet. Why don't you take up drawing? Get a sketch book and pencil and go outside and draw. People will start talking to you and you can interact with people and your environment. Or write in a personal (paper) journal, not online.

    I think I know what figureitout23 is asking. I think Turtle represents your addiction and your personal problems. You have to move away from Turtle, not take him back in your life.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Thanks for your input - both :-)

    I think you are right - get outside! Do something else :-) Get some sunshine for a start. It really is excellent advice. Thank you!

    In terms of 'who is Turtle', it is not immediately obvious, and I am not completely well at the moment (evidently), but maybe Turtle is just some extension of my own incapacity to validate myself. Is that what you mean?

    I am so tired!
    Thanks for your thoughts :-)

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    I am so so soooo confused! Who or what is "Turtle"? :-/ Is this a real person? A friend? An imaginary friend? I can't for the life of me figure it out. What am I missing?

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Chai
    In terms of 'who is Turtle', it is not immediately obvious, and I am not completely well at the moment (evidently), but maybe Turtle is just some extension of my own incapacity to validate myself. Is that what you mean?
    No, it's not obvious at all, I'm afraid. I don't understand. Turtle is not a real person?

  8. #7
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Hey guys!!

    Sorry for the confusion!! Turtle is the person who reads my blogs. He doesn't speak to me, he is a real person (so far as I am aware), and I have an inkling as to his human identity, but I am not completely sure.

    In other news, I just got my period and had a nap this afternoon. I feel a MILLION times better. The extra 100mg of medication that my psychiatrist suggested has done a beautiful job so far!

    Cheers :-)
    Chai

  9. #8
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    I suppose I am confused about why you want to open up so much to this Turtle person when you've never spoken to him/her, and don't appear to actually know who it is.

    Where does the attachment come from?

  10. #9
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    You've posted about this person you call "Turtle" in the healing after breakup forum. But you never actually directly communicated with this person let alone had a relationship with them?

    You've also said in other threads that you aren't even sure if this person is male or female. So that is why we are all confused.

    It does seem like you realize you live in a kind of alternate reality at times, which is a positive. And you are getting professional help, another positive.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I wasnt analyzing or anything. I also was honestly confused about who/what turtle is/was.

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