Advice Regarding 'The Mother-In-Law'

Dear anyone who will listen,

I recently had my baby son who I adore love and cherish more than anything in the whole world... well, I say recently, he is now 7.5 months old. But! Still very much a baby.

The problem I have is coming from my husbands Mum.

I haven't left my son with anyone but my husband for longer than a few hours. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I feel physically panicked and upset at even the thought of it. I recently breast fed him and have only just weaned him onto solids and formula milk. I think this made us very close and for 7 months solid I have solely fed him morning noon and middle of the night.

I just dislike the way my mother in law constantly makes passive aggressive remarks like, "Oh I don't get to see you often!" to my son or "We don't see you round here much!" or "I hardly see him as it is" when she sees him every week almost as standard. They also are retired so could easily come to us as the 40 minute drive is much more hassle with a baby, but then they complain about traffic yet won't make the drive up to see us often, yet then she goes and complains that she "hardly sees him."

It really gets me as my own mother sees him much less and she never complains. She understands juggling help with my husbands business, managing a large house and cleaning it myself, being the sole carer for my son often (because my husband works away) and then trying to maintain a slight social life and still see friends now and then just means everything can be a bit much.

She often heavily hints about "when he stays over" and "I thought about giving you our old baby gate but thought no, I'll need it for when he stays here" etc. and I find it very presumptous. I desperately DO NOT want to leave him, especially with her, anytime soon. She told me that she knew a girl who never left her children and they are 1 years old now and how terrible and freaky that was and she always tells me how good it is for babies to get used to other people. I feel like again, she is passively aggressively telling me I need to let go.

Another small worry but they have a dog I don't 100% trust around a small baby and I just don't feel comfortable handing him over to anyone other than my husband and maybe my own mother. Maybe that sounds bad but it's just honestly how I feel.

My husband thinks I have some sort of anxiety and that I need to give up some control so we can go out to eat on a date etc. I understand where he is coming from completely and I know I will have to do this at some point but I cannot lie, it fills me with sheer dread. So much dread that I have been waking up constantly at night in cold sweats from panic ridden dreams where my son disappears or is kidnapped while someone else looks after him. They are horrendous and starting to affect my mood throughout the day.

I want to know - do you think I am being overly paranoid? Overly protective? Any parents out there gone through something similar?

Whenever I pull up in the car at my mother in laws she instantly grabs my son, takes him away and never even says hi to me or asks me how I am. Sometimes I am even "she" or "her!"

When we visited last time she grabbed him as I'd just got him out of his car seat and I was saying "Look it's Grandma!" and off he goes she's bolting in her house with him and yelling at her dog at the same time and I feel sick at seeing the back of his head vanishing away so quickly with her back straight to me and not even a hello or do you mind or anything. I came into the house and was putting my bags down and she was talking at him then I heard him let out a huge, distressed scream/cry. And she suddenly tried to sooth him but it was no good and she gives up instantly and comes running in to see me with him holding him out for me to settle him. I hush him to my chest and he is quiet and calm straight away. Then she says, "I was holding him and suddenly he just cried! I think it's because he looked at me then looked at the room and couldn't hear your voice and he realised you weren't there. He's obviously not used to our house." And then 5 minutes later she says how he should get used to other peoples houses. Again, I felt another big passive aggressive hint. Her attitude to me isn't warm, friendly loving Granny.

It's not that she is doing anything awful, but these little flickers of attitude she shows add up. Even my own parents don't take him from me like that, they always ask or I always automatically give him to them but it's the entitled and bold way she does it that I don't like and really I don't think my son is too fussed on it most of the time either.

Any advice appreciated! I know this is a weird one!

(PS - what age parents were your children when you left them for a whole day or over night with someone else?)

Lo x

Everyone is different and the leaving your child for the first time is almost always anxiety provoking. It seems you are trusting your husband for a few hours at a time. How about trusting your mom? Repeated exposure is the only way to the other side.

About your MIL. . Given that letting go is becoming a challenge for you, your MIL is likely making it worse by the passive aggressive comments and helping herself to him without any regard to your reaction. Honestly, I don't know how to make this any better without an honest conversation with her.

Explain to her that you are struggling. Acknowledge that some of what she says is true (because you admit that it is) but it would be really helpful if she could refrain from snatching him up and running off with him. Doing so just adds to your anxiety. That and the comments just feel like unnecessary pressure that in the end isn't helpful but actually making things harder.

You need to tell her this in a way that doesn't make her become defensive. Admit that this is your struggle and make her feel like you are asking her for help. Maybe she will hear you.

I don't see anything "passive aggressive" in her comments. She is straight up telling you that she doesn't see him as much as she'd like to and that she thinks you need to get him out to socialize more with other people.

It's up to you to calmly tell her that in time you will allow for longer visits but right now you don't feel he is old enough to leave all night long. You have posted quite a bit about your in laws (forgive me if I've mistaken you for some other poster) and I think it would do you well to learn how to be a tad more assertive with her and let her know, without being mean (just firm) that you're not ready for what she's asking for. (for whatever the complaint du jour about her may be)

I didn't leave our baby over night with anyone until she was a year old and I learned to not be so paranoid about things which was with the help of a good "Moms n Tots" group I took her and myself to twice a week. I also became aware that who I left her with has raised a few children to adults and that their experience was at times, very helpful. Leaving her overnight certainly helped the hubs and I to make it to our 41st anniversary this September as we rekindled husband and wife mode as opposed to mommy and daddy mode. ;)

Perhaps if you get out with your babe more in social settings you'll be less likely to be afraid when your mother-in-law whisks baby away. I don't know, but it sounds like you and baby are isolated which may be fueling your fears when he is with others.??

40 miles is nothing for a baby. ALL of my nieces and nephews would fall asleep in the car. It was so failsafe that if my niece was screaming because she was teething, they would take her for a ride and she would fall asleep. you are making excuses. If your child was walking - i could understand your concern about the dog -- but the baby will be in someone's arms or in a playpen or carseat etc, away from the dog....and you can request that the dog be babygated away when the baby is on the floor. you also DO NOT KNOW - the dog could be perfectly fine with a child.

I think that the three of you should visit your in-laws. You do not have to spend the night. its not even an hour away. Why not ask to come over for lunch on a weekend and bring food with you (that way they don't feel they have to cook unless they insist) and go home before bedtime. If you nurse, you can always go in a quiet room and most people respect that.

I don't know how old they are, but if they are up there in age or health, they might not be able to come to you OR they feel weird about imposing.

you will value your in-laws more when you really are craving a night out with your husband.

Btw, you don't "leave the baby with your husband" -- he is your baby's father so it isn't like "Leaving the baby with someone"

Whenever I pull up in the car at my mother in laws she instantly grabs my son, takes him away and never even says hi to me or asks me how I am. Sometimes I am even "she" or "her!"

Oh hell no. I would not be ok with “snatching” either, be it someone I’m familiar with. That child is yours and family/friends should be asking to hold the baby, not taking the child.

As for the dog, I’d be wary. Make sure the baby isn’t left in the room with the dog. I have a well-disciplined corgi who loves kids, but I still do not trust him alone with my almost 2 week old - all it takes is for a child to corner a dog or pet him/her the wrong way for a dog to lash out.

She does sound pushy. And you do sound very scared. I wonder if it being so often just you and baby contributes to the fear though. I'm not very familiar with that approach. Within my family, and my friends with children as well, many family members and others care for even very young children quite regularly. I honestly can not relate to the idea of only mom and dad watching a child. You would probably have a heart attack hearing it!;) I guess childrearing and heavy socialization happens earlier in some groups than in others. As my partner and I are trying to start our family, we both embrace this way. He grew up quite lonely, so he wants our child to have what he always longed for.

That's not a judgement. Just a difference. Likewise, a pushy family members or other would be briskly told if they were crossing a line.

Perhaps something in between? Children can feel energy and feed off it. So if mom is scared, and that is who baby is closest to, baby will not know why but will feel scared too. So the idea is, what is comfortable for you and how you want to raise your child. But find a way to deal with the fear. I think more time with your mom might help. If you are close, you trust her, and it seems you do? She can help take some weight off your shoulders too. You don't have to go it alone. We all need community, whatever that means to you.

Then again, I would just be so thrilled to have my mom involved in my being a mom. She was amazing with children. The kid would be loved to the moon. And though I haven't become a parent yet- I hear a good nap or shower to oneself more than once in a blue moon is as coveted as gold;)

Best wishes. So glad you and your little one are well!

You really need to get a handle on yourself and figure out how to let other people interact with your child, socialize him even at his young age. You do sound paranoid to me and eventually the child will pick up on that, that mom has issues even tho he cant understand.

I had 2 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats all at the same time. They all got along fine, I wasnt worried about any of them. I didnt invite trouble either, of course I kept an eye on all of them. My kids grew up to love animals and not fear them. A dog is supposed to be part of the family, not hidden away behind a baby gate. But that's my opinion.

Your MIL is a conundrum for me, she does sound passive aggressive to me but then maybe she's bluntly saying she wants to see the baby more often.

Well, you might feel better if you speak up a little more. The suggestion would be to use humor to get your point across. (By the way, your mother is acting passive-aggressively.) So when "mom" says you never visit, you laugh and say, "we were here last week." When MIL says you live so far away, you say, "we're only 40 minutes away." When she grabs for your kid, you have to insist that you will bring him in and you need a little space. You also need to get your husband involved and support you. He should tell her that you will bring the child inside. You might also ask for the dog to be put into another room or its cage when you visit. Remember, you have the upper hand. If grandma wants to see the child, she'll have to heel.

On the surface, I would say moms are always over-protective of their first borns. But if it's keeping you up at night with bad dreams and cold sweats, that's worrisome. But I think if you can start imposing your will on your MIL, you will feel better.

I haven't left my son with anyone but my husband for longer than a few hours. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.

You'll need to move beyond this to avoid using a banner of motherhood as an unhealthy security blanket.

Your MIL has hurt your feelings, and so you're viewing all of her behaviors through that lens. Not only does this skew your accuracy, it makes you miserable at a time when you could otherwise enjoy cultivating her help and support.

I'd avoid positioning husband to negotiate your problems with MIL. Instead, I'd deal with her directly to learn how I can best improve my own bond with her. I wouldn't expect one convo to do it, but rather I'd consider it a series of steps starting with 1) a decision to apply my most generously impervious lens to her no matter how much (or how often) she might irk me, and 2) by taking her aside when appropriate to tell her how much I appreciate her help and generosity in our lives and that I'd like to encourage more of that going forward by learning ways to help her feel most welcomed during her visits and how to make those as often and as easy for her as possible.

Number 1 is for my own benefit as well as husbands and MIL's. It makes no sense to operate in begrudging ways toward someone who's part of my husband's package and who will be in my life for the duration. So how can I temper MY vision to make this relationship easier on ME?

Number 2 packs several whoppers into priming MIL for future harmony. Sure, lots of that will need to come from my switch in lenses in step 1. But the rest is about disarming MIL's perceptions about my (very real) resistance to her and paving the way for her to relax her barriers to me just as I must do with her.

Also included in #2 is an opening for MIL to come to you more than expecting you to pack up and go to her. Not only does this make logistics easier for you, it allows you to build a better relationship with her while in your comfort territory.

Step 3 would extend an invitation to treat MIL to some girlie bonding over a pedicure or girl's lunch or something else of her choice while the men babysit. This will help you to start learning how to decathect from over attachment while building your own bonds with MIL.

Bottom line: complaining about inlaws never addresses the actual problem of forming your own best relationship with them. If you resist doing that, you'll only compound the problem rather than resolve it, and your marriage will be impacted by the impasse.

Can you ask your husband to talk to her? After a newborn, he should be buffering this and managing her better. Also don't talk to her this much, let your husband deal with them more. If the guilt trips start excuse yourself and hang up, leave the room, change the subject, etc.

Can you ask your husband to talk to her? After a newborn, he should be buffering this and managing her better. Also don't talk to her this much, let your husband deal with them more. If the guilt trips start excuse yourself and hang up, leave the room, change the subject, etc.

There's no way I'd position husband as a buffer. That's an impossible 'no win' position for him. It starts a transfer from an inlaw problem to a mutually resentful marital fracture where he can never resolve YOUR problem to YOUR liking, and YOU cause friction between spouse and his family that he never had before and never asked for.

I'd skip that.

I just dislike the way my mother in law constantly makes passive aggressive remarks like, "Oh I don't get to see you often!" to my son or "We don't see you round here much!" or "I hardly see him as it is" when she sees him every week almost as standard. They also are retired so could easily come to us as the 40 minute drive is much more hassle with a baby, but then they complain about traffic yet won't make the drive up to see us often, yet then she goes and complains that she "hardly sees him."

 

It really gets me as my own mother sees him much less and she never complains. She understands juggling help with my husbands business, managing a large house and cleaning it myself, being the sole carer for my son often (because my husband works away) and then trying to maintain a slight social life and still see friends now and then just means everything can be a bit much.

Try interpreting her comments to mean "We love seeing you!" rather than interpreting them as passive-agressive or comparing to your mother. And let go of judging her ability to do something from your perspective, such as driving to you. Her comments can be like the weather, they just are what they are, no need to take them personally or shake your fist at the sky.

I understand it's hard to leave your baby with others. I had anxiety about that, too, and remember my mom visiting and encouraging me to take a walk while she watched my baby son. I took that walk, but felt like a mother bear separated from my cub, I felt a primal impulse to tear through walls to get my baby back. There was nothing relaxing about that walk for me, but it was a baby step toward letting my son have a life separate from me. He is now 30-something and successfully on his own, so we managed. I remember, though, it was difficult for me to leave my kids in daycare, or leaving with a babysitter, and I don't understand why it is harder for some people to do than others.

Anyway, take baby steps, and understand that anxiety may be part of the experience. Kids, babies, do need other adults in their lives, they are growing and learning along the way, and our job is to eventually get them out into the world.

I feel like my advice isn't really coming from a place of experience because I don't have kids myself yet. But to be honest from everything you're saying it does actually sound like your separation anxiety towards your baby is very severe and sorry to say kind of irrational. Of course you are his Mum so it should be you and your husband that hold/take care of your son the most. It's customary and normal though for the grandparents to look after the baby too and even other relatives e.g. brother or sister.

I get a strong undertone from your post that you just don't like your mother-in-law that much and that might also be why you don't want her to hold your son. You said you would probably feel comfortable giving him to YOUR Mum but don't you think that's unfair? Your mother-in-law is his grandma just the same as your own Mum so doesn't she have some right to spend time with your son? I'm also finding it hard to gauge from your post if your mother-in-law is actually being passive aggressive or whether she's just making those comments because she really wants to spend more time with her grandson and she's just dropping hints about it. I mean it's very natural for a grandma to dote on her grandchild and want to hold them and love them and so on. Maybe she hasn't realised she was perceived as "snatching" the baby because she's just so excited to see him and just wants to hold him ASAP.

I mean I think your son is old enough to be left overnight with your mother-in-law but even if you're not ready to do that yet the least you can do is let her hold him and spend time with him just while you're visiting her. I totally get you're worried and protective over your child but it just seems very excessive.

For example, my best friend has two boys 1.5 and 3.5 years old. When the oldest boy was just born my friend invited me to visit her in hospital. Her and her husband actually asked me if I wanted to hold him. Keep in mind he had very literally just been born a day or two before. Ever since then when I've visited my friend she had asked me do I want to hold the baby, and even now she sometimes asks me when I'm over to watch the boys while she goes to the bathroom or puts on the washing and stuff like that. This is provided I am not a Mum myself. Your mother-in-law had kids herself so what makes you so terrified that something bad would happen or she would do something wrong?

I mean of course she can't have your son all the time but she is his grandma, that will never change. She will want to have him visit and stay the night and stuff like that basically the rest of his life. Even when he's an adult she will no doubt want to have him visit. I think unfortunately you will have to work on this anxiety you have and try to build up the trust with your mother-in-law. I mean you are stuck with her so you will both need to work together to get along and be good role models for your son.

Above all yes it may be nice to leave your son with grandma and you and your husband can have a date night.

Each mom is so different on her comfort level in leaving her little one, as you have said, breastfeeding deepens the bond, which is such a normal and good thing! You are being such a great, protective and loving mother, please know that! Also, you are not alone!! It sounds like you might need to try sitting down and having a heart-to-heart with your MIL. setting aside a non-emotional, non-accusatory way of bringing up your wishes as the relationship has changed with adding baby into the mix. It might be wise to have your husband in on the conversation, having you and he discussed the items before addressing her. At least if you were able to cite specific examples of the concerns you are speaking of, then she could better understand where you are coming from. Dynamics change of the years and communication is so vital to ensuring smooth transitions. I pray you and your husband can come together for the good of your family and work through it all together.

A lot of this has already been covered, so in short:

- Yes, it's normal to feel this kind of anxiety when you're a new mom, however, your anxiety has lasted a bit longer than most. Many moms get 3 months of time off and then baby goes to daycare, that's common and normal, yet seems like you would never be able to handle that.

- Once your "new mom" wears off, you're going to see that your kid is fine, resilient, and all of this anxiety was a pointless waste of energy.

- Your MIL raised your husband just fine, I'm sure shes smart enough not to let her dog attack your baby. When you refuse to leave your son with her, you're flat out sending a message to her that you dont think she'll do a good enough job. That's offensive to her, hence her remarks to you.

All in all, you need to relax a bit and your MIL needs to back off a bit. Time to have an adult conversation with her but know going into it that you have to compromise. It really is better for you, your husband, your MIL, and ultimately for your son. The more close relationships he has, the more people that love him, the better off he'll be. Facilitate that for him.

Hi all,

I feel so horribly rude (I am!) for not replying and thanking you all for your words of wisdom and thoughtful comments - to cut to the chase; you're all right!

Wrote in a mood, yup, it was one of them... over reacting. My Mother in Law is absolutely great, and the main thing is my little boy loves her to pieces! She is the only person who can always make him laugh, no matter what, and for that I will adore her forever!

No ones perfect, not I or her, I accept her faults with her virtues. My husband comments if he thinks she is being careless with the dog around our son, I have mentioned it a few times but she has taken it well and is sensible about the dog. Basically, she understands and doesn't think I'm being weird and over protective.

We went on our first date night a month ago. Okay, it was like a cheat night really because I put our son to bed and we went out for dinner, drinks and to a club after 7pm but we still had a fab night. I've never been an "out out" person so dinner would've been just fine for me but y'know, it was so nice just getting out with my husband, seeing him dressed up, flirting with each other and kicking back over some drinks. I obviously thought about my little sleeping baby almost constantly but it didn't dominate or take away from our time together. Alls well that ends well or so they say!

Thank you everyone, I appreciate your input. Your honest advice made me step back and realise I was being a bit too harsh, judgemental and that I also needed to realise there will come a time I need to leave my son and that it can be good for a mother so, yes, haven't done it fully yet but I know my time will come and it'll be fine, for now a few date nights go down great and importantly my husband seems happy with it and my son is none the wiser we were even out.

Lo x

importantly my husband seems happy with it and my son is none the wiser we were even out.

 

Lo x

That's great. you did have a babysitter, right?

I am glad that you see the good in MIL and have learned and moved forward.

That's great. you did have a babysitter, right?

 

I am glad that you see the good in MIL and have learned and moved forward.

Morning abitbroken,

Yes we did haha! Oh God no I'm not one of those crazy neglectful types that would ever, ever leave a baby by themselves! I can't sleep at night for awakenings because I dream I've accidentally brought him into our bed and I've squished him, or he's got out of his crib and is about to fall down the stairs etc.

No ones perfect and the main thing is she is and can be extremely sweet as well, underneath the hard exterior, she really does care for me. My husband has that same personality trait, kind of un-smiling tough seeming exterior but really he is a complete sweetie! She has done some lovely, thoughtful things for me in the past and the most important thing is my son absolutely adores her! She has the best "Granny crack" he finds her hilarious and as he's got older I realise what an absolute gift this is, as I can happily leave them to play together for half an hour while I go and iron like a mad woman knowing she's entertaining him far better than I ever could!

Great in small bursts, wouldn't want her living with us though - HA!!!! It's one of those.

Lo x

Oh what a wonderful update!! That's great. And good job - seriously. It's not always so easy to step back and take perspective like you've done. It's awesome how you did.

And yay for date nights and flirting!!

Beautiful work, Lo! Thank you for letting us know.

Thrilled for you!

Cat

Beautiful work, Lo! Thank you for letting us know.

 

Thrilled for you!

Cat

Thank you Catfeeder! And thank you for your advice x