Jump to content

Girlfriend messaging work colleague all day


Recommended Posts

Hi.

 

Bit of background, my GF and I have Ben together for over 10 years. I've never suspected her of cheating or cheated myself.

 

She started a new job a year ago and she seems to be much happier. She went out recently with her old work friends and got very very drunk. She was falling asleep in the car when I picked her up, and her phone was open to messenger, messaging this guy gone 2am. I saw his name and seen there were a few messages. Then something clicked when I got home, I looked him up, he works at her new job. Why is she messaging this guy at 2am? (who has a gf himself)

 

Now I feel awful for this next part and may I add, in over 10 years I've genuinely never checked her phone, but something in me just felt this wasn't right. So she passed out straight on the bed drunk, I looked on her phone and they had been messaging not all night, but from morning until bedtime for 3 weeks solid, I'm talking thousands of messages and full paragraphs.

 

He made it very clear on several occasions how much he fancies her and how much he wants her. They have little inside jokes, and the conversation constantly returns to being flirtatious. He constantly suggests they should swap partners as he's much more suited to her? Anything negative said about me he goes in hard, and says all the right things.

 

Now this has hit me out the blue because we're not even in a bad place, life I thought was great, we have just got our dream house and things looked perfect. I just don't get where it's come from.

 

So the help I need is basically, how do I ever bring this up without breaking all trust and saying I've gone in her phone? I just know the whole context of the conversation would be instantly spun round to how I don't trust her rather than her messaging this guy every day from 6am until 11pm.

 

I'm lost

Link to comment

Well, she broke the trust by emotionally cheating on you. She is getting something out of this.

 

She should have shut this down long ago, and stopped messaging him.

 

Time to have a serious talk, and reevaluate your relationship. If she gaslights you and throws it on you, then you need to end things.

Link to comment

Why on earth are you even concerned about what she thinks of you for looking in her phone? She is having an emotional affair (if nothing else) with this guy, he's bad mouthing you and she's getting black out drunk when you're not with her all of which are serious romantic relationship boundary crosses.

 

Talk to her about what you found and do not let her turn this around on you for looking in her phone. She left her BS out in the open for all to see when she got S-faced drunk for goodness sakes. Are you really afraid to confront her about her behavior? Frankly I'd be wondering who I've started to form a life with and be re-evaluating going forth.

Link to comment

Thanks for the advice. Its obviously a scary thing to just end it, we have a home together with 2 dogs we adore. The crazy thing is we've also been trying for a baby for a while. This is a bolt out of the blue. They guy is obviously a good looking lad and is a real gym buff, and she has started to go herself of late. People have always told me I'm punching above my weight tbh, she's always had lots of attention of lads but as far as I'm aware she's never entertained any of it, until now.

Link to comment

I think you are going to have to be honest that you were suspicious after noticing a text from a guy, so you looked. No point hiding that, because you won't really be able to bring this up without her figuring out how you made this discovery.

 

I would approach it this way: simply sit her down calmly, and ask her who *insert guy's name* is. Wait for her response. Ask her what the nature of their friendship is (because she's going to tell you he's just a new work friend) Ask her if there is anything more she wants to tell you about their friendship. She will start to understand what you're getting at. Watch her reaction. Tell her that since you have always trusted her, you trust her to be honest now and tell you if there's anything more you need to know about this guy and her. Give her the opportunity to admit something (she likely won't, but you never know) Then, explain to her what you found. Tell her you are hurt and confused and afraid about what this means for your relationship. By staying calm and not instantly lobbing accusations and getting her back up, you will likely throw her off a great deal and you might just get more information out of her.

 

And really, so what if she spins it? Let her. When you start acting inappropriately with someone outside your relationship, you forfeit your leg to stand regarding trust issues. Don't let her divert the conversation too far into a breech of privacy. Acknowledge what you did by looking through her phone. Own it. When you admit your role, there isn't much more she can do but stamp her feet and huff. Let her throw a tantrum, if she chooses, but don't argue back on that. Stick to the main problem, which is her budding emotional affair with another man. Stay calm.

 

And then ask her again to please explain what exactly is happening with his other guy and why she is playing with fire. You need to consider what you want to do from here, too. She is cheating, if not physically (and I wouldn't be surprised if she has) then most definitely emotionally. Where does that leave you, knowing what she does when your head is turned?

Link to comment

Well, I think you need to pay a little bit more attention to her. If you haven't noticed her texting someone thousands of times in the last 3 weeks, what does that say about you?

 

Despite the sheer number of texts, (I'm sure most of them are one or two words exchanges), it sounds like flirting. Flirting is: "to behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions." The last two generations of kids seem to have lost the art of knowing how to flirt and when someone is flirting with them (based on the number of questions we see on ENA). Everything now is "sexual harassment" and "emotional relationship." Sheesh!

 

You should examine how you treat your girlfriend. You've been together for 10 years and no marriage? Do you flirt with her? Do you tell her you love her? Are you any fun anymore? Maybe she's getting what she needs from this guy because you're not giving it.

 

Anyways, try reading this website about flirting:

 

https://www.mtlblog.com/lifestyle/10-reasons-why-flirting-is-good-for-you-even-if-you-are-in-a-relationship

 

I'll quote: "Flirting is always good - even if you're in a relationship. Looking never killed anyone, so why would flirting?"

 

The article goes on to says it reduces stress, boosts self-esteem, helps you lose weight, and spices things up.

 

Competition is good in a relationship. Maybe it's time to up your game. Maybe you've been taking things for granted. Instead of going into an argument all jealous and angry, you could ask her what you could do to make her feel better about herself.

Link to comment

Why are you trying for a baby if you are not married?

I say the relationship has run its course. If you have not decided that she is a woman that you want to love and cherish and make your wife, but heck let's pop out a baby and see where it goes.... ?? Were you going to 'see" if she conceived and then made the decision. 10 years is a looong time to wait

 

 

I disagree with Danzee:

 

Well, I think you need to pay a little bit more attention to her. If you haven't noticed her texting someone thousands of times in the last 3 weeks, what does that say about you?

 

It says everything about HER character, not his. She could have stayed faithful or could have broken up before she cheated. I they are trying to make a baby, I highly doubt she is not getting any attention or affection.

 

My advice:

Cease all "trying for a baby" - do not have sex with this woman and insist on her getting tested for STDs.

Do not worry about "breaking trust" -- she already broke it!

Find a woman who is crazy about you, date for a couple years (not 10) and either marry her or let her go if she is not a match.

Link to comment

I disagree with DanZee too because clearly their interchanges have a lot more to do then simply flirting for goodness sakes she's bad mouthing him and he's egging her on. They are more interested in one another then "a little flirting fun" if they are exchanging texts to that extent after working hours.

Link to comment

Competition is good in a relationship. Maybe it's time to up your game. Maybe you've been taking things for granted. Instead of going into an argument all jealous and angry, you could ask her what you could do to make her feel better about herself.

 

No its not!! I am *only* interested in my guy. There is no competition. Sure, guys come up and talk now and again and people ask my brother if I'm single - but they are not *competition* because i don't give them the time of day. I am polite to whoever talks to me in public but I am not the least bit interested in anybody else. I don't need to find a guy to keep mine on his toes. Its not up to HIM to make her "feel better about herself" - her self esteem needs to come from within herself

 

He is NOT BEING JEALOUS - she is legit cheating on him!!!

Link to comment

That's a fair point. I never noticed anything out of the ordinary, I do however work shifts (inc nights), and the majority of the messages were when I was at work or sleeping through the days.

I do however take on your point, I have obviously gone wrong somewhere myself and have got too comfortable in the relationship. As for marriage, neither of us are keen on the idea, we have however said this since early on in our relationship, nothing to do with commitment just neither are religious or see the value in being married

Link to comment
Thanks for the advice. Its obviously a scary thing to just end it, we have a home together with 2 dogs we adore. The crazy thing is we've also been trying for a baby for a while. This is a bolt out of the blue. They guy is obviously a good looking lad and is a real gym buff, and she has started to go herself of late. People have always told me I'm punching above my weight tbh, she's always had lots of attention of lads but as far as I'm aware she's never entertained any of it, until now.
Talk to her about how her interaction with him is overstepping romantic relationship boundaries and reading the things she wrote has hurt you. Ask her what she feels is missing in your relationship that would compel her to be that vulnerable to someone outside of your union. Work this out together before it's too late and you've lost your trust and the emotional connection the two of you shared.

 

She's going to have to tell this guy that the after work interaction stops now and that he should keep any conversations they have together related to work only.

 

Get it fixed now and get yourself back on track.

Link to comment
That's a fair point. I never noticed anything out of the ordinary, I do however work shifts (inc nights), and the majority of the messages were when I was at work or sleeping through the days.

I do however take on your point, I have obviously gone wrong somewhere myself and have got too comfortable in the relationship. As for marriage, neither of us are keen on the idea, we have however said this since early on in our relationship, nothing to do with commitment just neither are religious or see the value in being married

 

IT IS NOT YOU as far as working a different shift. People need to entertain themselves and if she sees you all weekend and you may see eachother briefly each day, its up to her to catch up on her errands, read, see family -- and have that out of the way to enjoy the time you are together. Just like you do the same.

 

Even if you are not religious, there is value to the CHILD to have married parents -- to create a family unit vs an uncommitted man and a woman. She clearly does not see this non-married arrangement as any sort of commitment - because she is running around on you. Most people i know that "don't see value" in marriage usually are just that - see no value in commitment so they act and do as they please. A child is a serious commitment and you better not bring a baby into this world being lukewarm about commitment to the child or eachother. A baby is not an accessory or something you do because you want to check something off a bucket list.

 

If its cheating, it could also be possible that deep down she WANTS a guy that will commit to her. You never know. If you don't want to make a lifelong commitment to her -- why have a child in an uncommitted situation?

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. You'll have to confront this and not worry about rocking the boat or it will eat you alive and erode the relationship. Stay on the topic of inappropriateness with this guy and don't get derailed by her 'best defense is a good offense' by pointing to the phone thing. If you don't nip this in the bud now you'll be looking over your shoulder all the time. She needs to know that although you work shifts etc and going out with friends is fine but crossing the line into betrayal, secrecy etc is not.

Link to comment

It's not productive to (IMO) to insist that Jason has nothing to do with why his g/f is stepping outside of their romantic relationship boundaries. He is smart enough to realize that she is lacking in something from him for her to be latching onto the BS of this other guy. Best they just strive to get back on track.

 

I do agree that having a baby at this point in their relationship wouldn't be a very good idea. A baby will just put even more of a gap to any emotional disconnect she may be feeling.

 

I think it's prudent to let THEM figure out what needs to be done in order for them to fix this.

 

Let us know what goes down once you have talked to her about what you've found, Jason.

Link to comment
Competition is good in a relationship. Maybe it's time to up your game. Maybe you've been taking things for granted. Instead of going into an argument all jealous and angry, you could ask her what you could do to make her feel better about herself.

 

No its not!! I am *only* interested in my guy. There is no competition. Sure, guys come up and talk now and again and people ask my brother if I'm single - but they are not *competition* because i don't give them the time of day. I am polite to whoever talks to me in public but I am not the least bit interested in anybody else. I don't need to find a guy to keep mine on his toes. Its not up to HIM to make her "feel better about herself" - her self esteem needs to come from within herself

 

He is NOT BEING JEALOUS - she is legit cheating on him!!!

 

There should NOT be "competition." That is not a stable and healthy relationship!

Link to comment
I think you are going to have to be honest that you were suspicious after noticing a text from a guy, so you looked. No point hiding that, because you won't really be able to bring this up without her figuring out how you made this discovery.

 

I would approach it this way: simply sit her down calmly, and ask her who *insert guy's name* is. Wait for her response. Ask her what the nature of their friendship is (because she's going to tell you he's just a new work friend) Ask her if there is anything more she wants to tell you about their friendship. She will start to understand what you're getting at. Watch her reaction. Tell her that since you have always trusted her, you trust her to be honest now and tell you if there's anything more you need to know about this guy and her. Give her the opportunity to admit something (she likely won't, but you never know) Then, explain to her what you found. Tell her you are hurt and confused and afraid about what this means for your relationship. By staying calm and not instantly lobbing accusations and getting her back up, you will likely throw her off a great deal and you might just get more information out of her.

 

And really, so what if she spins it? Let her. When you start acting inappropriately with someone outside your relationship, you forfeit your leg to stand regarding trust issues. Don't let her divert the conversation too far into a breech of privacy. Acknowledge what you did by looking through her phone. Own it. When you admit your role, there isn't much more she can do but stamp her feet and huff. Let her throw a tantrum, if she chooses, but don't argue back on that. Stick to the main problem, which is her budding emotional affair with another man. Stay calm.

 

And then ask her again to please explain what exactly is happening with his other guy and why she is playing with fire. You need to consider what you want to do from here, too. She is cheating, if not physically (and I wouldn't be surprised if she has) then most definitely emotionally. Where does that leave you, knowing what she does when your head is turned?

 

Good advice.

Link to comment

 

Competition is good in a relationship. Maybe it's time to up your game. Maybe you've been taking things for granted. Instead of going into an argument all jealous and angry, you could ask her what you could do to make her feel better about herself.

Hahahahaha. It's the opposite in fact. This is how some women manipulate dumb men. They make men compete for them as if they are the "prize".

Link to comment
That's a fair point. I never noticed anything out of the ordinary, I do however work shifts (inc nights), and the majority of the messages were when I was at work or sleeping through the days.

I do however take on your point, I have obviously gone wrong somewhere myself and have got too comfortable in the relationship. As for marriage, neither of us are keen on the idea, we have however said this since early on in our relationship, nothing to do with commitment just neither are religious or see the value in being married

 

This is not about you. I find it interesting that you take on advice that puts you at blame.

 

Have you been the doormat in your relationship. it sounds like she may always throw things back on you without taking responsibility.

" how do I ever bring this up without breaking all trust and saying I've gone in her phone?" This should be the least of your concerns.

Link to comment

I agree that it takes two people to keep a relationship working well. There are likely things OP could improve on, as I'm sure we all could.

 

However, it's the way she's handled it that is completely inappropriate and creates a significant problem here. If she feels she is lacking attention or affection from OP, the correct and mature course of action would be to approach him and try to work on reconnecting.

 

Engaging with another guy, breaching trust and ultimately jeopardizing the relationship is just not the answer and sadly says a lot about how much she respects her partner of 10 years. She is not only flirting, but she is evidently allowing another man to criticize OP and not even bothering to shut that down. She's not going to bat for you, OP. Again, I emphasize the absence of basic respect here on a few different levels.

Link to comment
It's not productive to (IMO) to insist that Jason has nothing to do with why his g/f is stepping outside of their romantic relationship boundaries. He is smart enough to realize that she is lacking in something from him for her to be latching onto the BS of this other guy. Best they just strive to get back on track.

 

I do agree that having a baby at this point in their relationship wouldn't be a very good idea. A baby will just put even more of a gap to any emotional disconnect she may be feeling.

 

I think it's prudent to let THEM figure out what needs to be done in order for them to fix this.

 

Let us know what goes down once you have talked to her about what you've found, Jason.

 

He did not cause her to cheat. She could have broken up with him, come to him and had a "talk" or what have you instead of emotionally cheating. its 70% about her character and perhaps 30% jason.

Link to comment
He did not cause her to cheat.
No he didn't but there is something that she needs that he's not providing for her to allow another man to talk badly about him. Op is smart enough to know that he needs to find out what it is makes her cross their romantic relationship boundaries.

 

She could have broken up with him, come to him and had a "talk" or what have you instead of emotionally cheating. its 70% about her character and perhaps 30% jason.
Well, I'm not keeping score. The bottom line is there is a disconnect in the (common law) marriage and hopefully it all gets straighten away before this emotional connection she is fostering with the work mate goes any further.
Link to comment

With all due respect, abitbroken, I don't think it's productive to assume that everyone's pinnacle of romantic commitment requires a wedding, that kids need to be raised by married parents, or that OP is in this bind because he's quasi-committal and his gf's subconscious hunger for the "real thing" lead her into a flirtation with a married man.

 

OP, I'm sorry you're in this spot. You know what you can forgive, what you can't, and you'll have clarity on that as you confront her. Be calm, leave room for grace, but hold your ground. Hopefully she comes forward with humility—owning where she clearly stepped out of bounds rather than making it your fault. Because whatever the situation—late shifts, getting complacent, some quiet distance—this is not your fault. It's a poor choice she made.

 

That doesn't mean this can't be a moment to look a bit closer at your relationship, to see some thing you could do differently, because all relationships are works in progress and a lot of that work is keeping stagnation at bay. And sometimes it's a tough moment like this that "wakes" both people up to do some overdue work.

 

For all the hostility that often accompanies posts dealing with any sort of infidelity, it is something longterm couples deal with every day in different forms. There is no shame in this, whether you guys can work though it become stronger (as many do) or not.

Link to comment

. .Just try to not get into a struggle over `who did who wrong'.

Your looking at her phone doesn't negate her inappropriate communication with this guy.

It seems innocent enough. She gave you reason to look, so you took it.

I think any one else in the same situation would have as well. Try to not let her sway you with it.

It would just be an attempt to flip the script and put the attention back on you and away from her.

Just admit to it and move on to more important issues at hand.

Link to comment

I'm always suspicious why people would wait 5 plus years to tie the knot. If you haven't done it within 10 years then something is and has been wrong. Now you know what it is. Sometimes people get too comfortable in the relationship to leave, like they like the person but not really in love then when someone comes along who pushes the right buttons, well that's all it takes for some to cheat.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...