I have a dog, and now he wants to get cats!

Hi all

I don't know how much to really worry about this, well I love my boyfriend, he loves me, it's all pretty good, not perfect but we're working on our own stuff and we're both pretty happy together and have lots of things planned for the future to do together and build on what we have.

We live in the same neighborhood so travel between each other's apartments is never an issue, we can plan meet ups and dinners spontaneously sometimes - though we try to keep a balance to avoid being overly spontaneous and regularly make an effort to plan things outside of our neighborhood too.

Anyway I know that neither of us would hang around in this relationship if we didn't see long term potential but there's something which stands out to me as a barrier between us. He plans to get cats soon. He adores cats, he's always had cats all his life and misses having cats. But I have a dog! She's not a puppy, so I don't believe that we can socialise her to be OK with cats all of a sudden, so she will likely not be OK with the cats. At the moment, she tries to chase cats if she ever sees them out in the street, although obviously when she's on the leash there's little she can do. I have explained this to my boyfriend, but he still believes that she will understand that in the house, the cats are part of our pack and that she will adapt. I don't believe this is true, and I'm not willing to take any chances on a messy run in. But he is turning a blind eye to this. I find it a bit immature, but at the same time, I can understand him wanting to get cats if it will significantly improve his quality of life and I don't want to be the one to tell him he shouldn't be getting cats.

Because of the close proximity between each other's houses, I don't think it will be a big issue for now, I can still visit him without my dog, or he could leave the cats in another room if I am stopping by with the dog after a dog walk. But I suppose I am thinking more about the longer term. I was trying to hint at the fact that moving into together wouldn't be easy anymore if he gets cats, in fact it could be logistically impossible, but he didn't seem to take the hint. I didn't really want to spell it out and ask when he wants to move in together, because I didn't want to get too intense and I felt that he should have considered this anyway and I shouldn't need to spell it out.

Any ideas?

Not only should you not fight him on this, I think you should embrace his love of cats, and help him pick one out.

You are not married, you are not engaged, and you are not even talking about living together. You're enjoying a dating relationship, spending a few nights a week together, which is exactly where you should be at this point in time.

He's loved cats longer than he's loved you.

If you continue to fight him on this, you will lose. I promise.

I think you're making it into a bigger relationship issue than it needs to be.

While I understand you're anxious about introducing your dog to his future cats, and you're right to want to take it slowly, I think it will eventually be fine. And I say that as someone who has integrated dogs and cats into each other's lives and living spaces without a terrible upheaval.

My sense is that this not really about the pets themselves, but your interpretation of him wanting cats is somehow connected to his desire to live with you and being open to having you and your dog move in with him. You seem to be taking this as a sign that he might not want you there. Right?

EDIT: I think your other thread about relationship anxiety applies here. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553283 You're on the high alert for problems that are not there.

Agreed. Let him get cats and don’t make it a bigger relationship issue.

Cross each bridge as you come to it - if you come to it.

You are trying to solve problems you don’t have.

I'm sorry but I think you are being ridiculous. Dogs and cats do get socialized and live in the same household just fine. No, they don't need to grow up together. I think you need to adjust your attitude and stop creating drama about this.

I'm sorry but I think you are being ridiculous. Dogs and cats do get socialized and live in the same household just fine. No, they don't need to grow up together. I think you need to adjust your attitude and stop creating drama about this.

Woah, there's no need to attack me and say I'm "creating a drama" about this when I'm just coming on here to get some insight and varied viewpoints and be able to talk about this.

My dog is a rescue dog, with only one eye, and I personally don't feel comfortable about risking her being around cats, I'm not opposed to trying it, but I know my dog very well, and on the basis of what I know, I'm not personally convinced she will change her perceptions at the age of 11 years old.

But thanks to other posters for more respectful responses.

Just to clarify, I have not started up a fight about this or ever argued that he shouldn't get cats. In fact I've told him I'd be happy to help pick one out, I'm passionate about animals and animal welfare and have been encouraging him to adopt a cat from a shelter if he does get one, rather than buy one when it comes closer to the time.

This was just a private concern I had about our future and compatibility which I wanted to bring here, and wondered if anyone else had incompatibility based on pet preferences, and wanted to ask advice on the best ways to approach it.

If my dog can't get along with his cats it would likely delay any plans to move in together, should other aspects of the relationship be successful, and I suppose this was on my mind. I was wondering whether I should ask him if or when he would like to move on together and if he sees any potential obstacles, as I can't help but see his as an obstacle at least for the time being until I am proven otherwise.

Sorry, you two live separately on each other's own. You have no say in his decision to get cats at his own place. It's not a question of maturity. It's his apartment and he can do what he wants. Now, if you two owned and lived in the same apartment, then you two would need to work it out. Otherwise, you need to accept he will have cats (or you won't) and, if you decide to live together soon, see how to integrate them into the same living space.

It can be done, even if your dog likes to chase cats. All dogs do this by instict, whether they'll get along or not. It is more likely the cats won't get along with the dog than the other way around, which looks like complete avoidance of each other rather than anything harmful. The cats will be up in high areas while the dog will stay near the places at ground level. He can put caps on his cats claws. They shed them every month, so he would have to do it regularly if he wants, or just once so your dog doesn't lash out after being threatened by a cats claws. Dogs bite and become aggressive towards animals out of fear, so it is wise to remove the fear through this and constant supervision until they get used to each other.

The introduction phase is important. I suggest reading and talking to professionals about how to integrate these animals together. You'll probably need a pet gate, use positive association through food times/treats around each other, switching smells first through a door first (no seeing each other yet for the first interaction, or longer), and room swaping. I suggest to bring your dog in the main living area over after the cats have gotten used to his apartment, while the cats are in the bedroom with the necessities (food, water, litter). A pet gate with a door is great so they can remain separate if you need to get into the room. With two people, it can be easier. Your bf needs multiple cat trees and anything else that can be thrown up into the air for the cats (like beds, platforms, or something) to avoid the dog after integration.

In fact I've told him I'd be happy to help pick one out, I'm passionate about animals and animal welfare and have been encouraging him to adopt a cat from a shelter if he does get one, rather than buy one when it comes closer to the time.

Pretzel, this isn't your place: "encouraging" him to adopt vs. buy. This is his decision, his cat.

The only thing you should be doing now is being the supportive girlfriend. Ask him questions about cats. Listen to his stories of his childhood with cats, that sort of thing. I'm not saying you're not doing this, but this is all you should be doing now.

I dated a guy with 2 cats. I'm not a cat person, I'm a dog person. Plus, I'm highly, highly allergic. Throat closes up, hives, and the weirdest thing: the whites of my eyes swell up, over my irises. It's not only freaky looking, it's scary.

When I dated that guy, before the first visit to his home, I visited an allergist and got a prescription. It wasn't this guy's fault that I didn't like cats and have allergies, this was on me.

We ended up breaking up, and a few months later, he called me, crying, as one of his cats died, and he knew I'd understand his love for him. Of course, I did, and of course, I listened.

I'm not saying I was the perfect girlfriend, but WRT this guy's cats, I think you should do the same.

@LHgirl it's interesting I didn't even consider what it would be like if I were allergic or there were a more serious issue.

The difference in this scenario is that he doesn't already have cats - we started dating a long time ago and he knew from the beginning that I come with a dog, in fact I had my dog with me the first occasion we first met, knowing she's a rescue dog that doesn't get on with other animals (including other dogs).

What I'm saying is that the cats didn't come before me and he signed up to date me knowing I have a dog but his ambition to get cats potentially clashes with us developing a future, at least while I have my current dog, and I wondered what other people think about this.

Of course he can do what he wants, and I keep feeling like I have to reiterate that I have not contested his decision or argued with him about this or told him he shouldn't get cats.

I just have a private concern that it's a potential obstacle, I love my dog very much and don't want to compromise her wellbeing and potentially a messy run in with a cat. I'm more worried and nervous about this because my dog only has one eye and I'm scared of risking a cat scratch to her one remaining eye. I didn't say this at the start because I don't want to bore you all by going into the details but please don't make assumptions that I'm ridiculous or being controlling or whatever. I'm just thinking about how our relationship is going to logistically move forward with what he has planned, that is all.

@yatsue and others, I appreciate the advice on how others have integrated the two animals and this would really be the ideal outcome.

And the thing about adopting: I always encourage everyone to adopt rather than buy and I don't see anything wrong with that. Doesn't matter if it's friends or family or a partner, helping animal shelters out is a passion of mine and I don't see any reason to keep that a secret.

@LHgirl it's interesting I didn't even consider what it would be like if I were allergic or there were a more serious issue.

The difference in this scenario is that he doesn't already have cats - we started dating a long time ago and he knew from the beginning that I come with a dog, in fact I had my dog with me the first occasion we first met, knowing she's a rescue dog that doesn't get on with other animals (including other dogs).

What I'm saying is that the cats didn't come before me and he signed up to date me knowing I have a dog but his ambition to get cats potentially clashes with us developing a future, at least while I have my current dog, and I wondered what other people think about this.

Of course he can do what he wants, and I keep feeling like I have to reiterate that I have not contested his decision or argued with him about this or told him he shouldn't get cats.

I just have a private concern that it's a potential obstacle, I love my dog very much and don't want to compromise her wellbeing and potentially a messy run in with a cat. I'm more worried and nervous about this because my dog only has one eye and I'm scared of risking a cat scratch to her one remaining eye. I didn't say this at the start because I don't want to bore you all by going into the details but please don't make assumptions that I'm ridiculous or being controlling or whatever. I'm just thinking about how our relationship is going to logistically move forward with what he has planned, that is all.

@yatsue and others, I appreciate the advice on how others have integrated the two animals and this would really be the ideal outcome.

 

And the thing about adopting: I always encourage everyone to adopt rather than buy and I don't see anything wrong with that. Doesn't matter if it's friends or family or a partner, helping animal shelters out is a passion of mine and I don't see any reason to keep that a secret.

No, the cats didn't come before you.....but his love for cats did. That's what's important.

@LHgirl]The difference in this scenario is that he doesn't already have cats - we started dating a long time ago and he knew from the beginning that I come with a dog, in fact I had my dog with me the first occasion we first met, knowing she's a rescue dog that doesn't get on with other animals (including other dogs).

What I'm saying is that the cats didn't come before me and he signed up to date me knowing I have a dog but his ambition to get cats potentially clashes with us developing a future, at least while I have my current dog, and I wondered what other people think about this.

Of course he can do what he wants, and I keep feeling like I have to reiterate that I have not contested his decision or argued with him about this or told him he shouldn't get cats.

I just have a private concern that it's a potential obstacle, I love my dog very much and don't want to compromise her wellbeing and potentially a messy run in with a cat. I'm more worried and nervous about this because my dog only has one eye and I'm scared of risking a cat scratch to her one remaining eye. I didn't say this at the start because I don't want to bore you all by going into the details but please don't make assumptions that I'm ridiculous or being controlling or whatever. I'm just thinking about how our relationship is going to logistically move forward with what he has planned, that is all.

@yatsue and others, I appreciate the advice on how others have integrated the two animals and this would really be the ideal outcome.

 

And the thing about adopting: I always encourage everyone to adopt rather than buy and I don't see anything wrong with that. Doesn't matter if it's friends or family or a partner, helping animal shelters out is a passion of mine and I don't see any reason to keep that a secret.

It's interesting, MissCanuck pointed out that your reaction was based on your interpretation that his desire to get cats was connected to his desire to be with you, and it seems you have validated that above.

Is there more to your anxiety than his desire to get a cat? Are there other things he is doing to keep himself separate from you or to push you away?

Unless it comes to the point of getting an apartment together, why is this an issue?

If you have a pet of your choice he is doing nothing wrong getting a pet of his choice at his house. Just don’t bring your dog over. He shouldn’t have to put his hypothetical cats in a room because you want to bring your dog to his house .

It's interesting, MissCanuck pointed out that your reaction was based on your interpretation that his desire to get cats was connected to his desire to be with you, and it seems you have validated that above.

 

Is there more to your anxiety than his desire to get a cat? Are there other things he is doing to keep himself separate from you or to push you away?

I did think this was an interesting way to look at it, I do sometimes worry about small things, but I try not to read too much into them and he's been very reassuring recently and we've been getting a lot closer and talking about getting towards better mutual understandings and improving communication.

I do see him wanting to get a cat as a potential obstacle, but my guess is that he hasn't thought about it this way.

Unless it comes to the point of getting an apartment together, why is this an issue?

It's not an issue now. It's just that almost all of our friends have gotten to the point of moving in with their partners, amarriage and babies, so it feels like we're starting to approach similar milestones at least in a year or so, and I am thinking about the future, should everything else be going well.

Agree. Don't make a tug of war out of this. He loves cats. End of story. So don't bring your dog there. Simple.

Not only should you not fight him on this, I think you should embrace his love of cats, and help him pick one out.

 

You are not married, you are not engaged, and you are not even talking about living together. You're enjoying a dating relationship, spending a few nights a week together, which is exactly where you should be at this point in time.

 

He's loved cats longer than he's loved you.

 

If you continue to fight him on this, you will lose. I promise.

I do see him wanting to get a cat as a potential obstacle, but my guess is that he hasn't thought about it this way.

I have a dear friend who is very similar, Pretzel. She tends to be very anxious in her relationship, and views such things as threats to their future together. Even if what she's fretting about could be easily tackled as a team with her partner, she almost mentally positions it as, "Well, he's doing XYZ so that must mean he doesn't love me as much. I must eliminate this threat." She too frequently misses the opportunity to instead present her concern to her man as something they can find a solution for together. It's very Her vs. Random Threat.

I feel you're going through the same thing with this particular concern. I would caution you not to take the Pretzel Vs. Team Feline approach that seems to be developing. There are plenty of ways to otherwise work on this problem with your boyfriend. Assuming he's immature because he doesn't see it your way isn't fair and ultimately won't do anything but construct a barrier in your mind.

Your other thread indicates you generally operate from a place of high anxiety, and look to him to soothe that and become upset when he doesn't do so the way you wanted. With no snark intended, let's connect the dots between that thread and this one. The underlying issue, at its core, is very similar. From my perspective, anyway.

Haha 'Pretzel V Team Feline' made me laugh.

It's really funny because I do see such things as threats to the relationship. I am not saying i am right, or that I blame him for it, or that I am fighting it, which some posters seem to have suggested, but rather that I see it as an obstacle, and it's nice to know that it's one that can potentially be overcome.

If his love for cats is as strong as my love for dogs then i think it's wonderful and I was torn in how this news made me feel because I am actually happy for him that he'll have cats which will improve his overall quality of life and make him thus happier, which is why I said I wouldn't be the one to suggest he shouldn't get a cat.

The comment I made about immaturity was because it seems to me (personally) a bit impulsive to decide to get cats just because you love cats, knowing that it might not be great timing for plans you have with your partner such as moving in together in the next year or so. If I were about to get a new pet, I would definitely be thinking about whether the timing would be right for my boyfriend too as he is part of my life, and I would think about how it would impact him.

That is how I viewed it, and I was interested to get other takes on it. I know a lot of people who love cats, or love dogs, but wouldn't indulge in getting them if it isn't practical in terms of timing. We have talked about life and plans several before, and I have said that in the distant future I would be happy to have a life with both cats and dogs in it. It is just THIS particular dog that I worry about, in terms of her compatibility with other animals - any other animals, and I fear I wouldn't be able to make it work, and it would have been nice of him to ask me and consider me in his decision to get cats imminently. My dog is old and I would rather not introduce new things and experiment with something like this at this stage of her life. All I'm saying is that I would have asked him if tables were turned and i were thinking of getting a new pet.

But I get that I'm in a minority in my thinking here, so i'm probably just being overly sensitive about my dog and cautious and skeptical about this working.

You've only been dating 4 mos. So he should refrain from having a cat he loves indefinitely? At 16 or so weeks of dating no one should "have plans" to move in "in a year or so". Why do things he does for himself threaten you?

According to this quite flawed theory, you would be getting rid of your dog now, right?

immaturity was because it seems to me (personally) a bit impulsive to decide to get cats just because you love cats, knowing that it might not be great timing for plans you have with your partner such as moving in together in the next year or so.

What a thread, this!

Pretzel, you've known this guy four months. Which is to say you're still very much getting to know him, and him you. This is the time to just enjoy that and see where it goes. Maybe that's a future in which an old, wonderful, one-eyed rescue dog surprises you by learning to hang with prissy, overpriced cat from a breeder. Maybe it's a future in which your dog and his cat never quite get along as well as their owners but it's not as hard as you thought. Maybe...

Oh, wait: pause button! Deep breaths! Back to the present tense! Because all that's the future, which no one knows. What's present is that you're dating a guy who likes cats and maybe wants to get one. No biggie, no meaning, no referendum on anything except that he likes cats. Were he a guy who liked foursomes and/or was planning on moving to Jupiter to commune with aliens in 6 months—yeah, then I think we'd all be telling you to proceed with caution. But cats and dogs are pretty adaptable when they need to be, as are those other animals known as human beings.

MissCannuck, I think, hit the nail on the head with the anxious approach to love and romance. It's a kind of catastrophic way of thinking that will come around and around if don't try to soften it a bit.

The animals can get to know one another from underneath doors over time, AND you can introduce the scents of the other on fabrics and towels over time. Before long you introduce them face to face on leashes for minutes at a time, and there may be some noises and hisses and spitting--or not--but always sniffing. Little by little it all tends to work out.

Animals often bond better than people.

So what's the real issue?