Jerry Springer style $#!t.. please help...

I apologize in advance for the length of this post and if it's all over the place... my brain is rattled.

I am devastated. Repulsed. Don't even know what to think.

I've been dating this guy for a year. Not too long, but a decent amount of time for him to become a constant in my life... he's my best friend. We pretty much live together, he still has his own place but stays at mine at least 5-6 nights per week. Things have been great- we communicate really well, have never fought (a couple arguments but nothing at all volatile), he's absolutely gorgeous, hard-working, funny, sweet, supportive... The only negative was that he is an addict (in recovery) He was 2 years clean. I grew up with an alcoholic mother (who was more like my child) and was very hesitant to date someone in recovery. However he was so strong in working his program and really seemed like relapsing wasn't in his cards (naive to assume, I know)

Well one week ago, he relapsed. Hard. He called me and said babe, I ed up. He was sitting in his truck and using cocaine, he said. I know how dangerous relapses are- lots of his friends have died since we got together. Their bodies aren't used to the huge amounts they used to do, and there is a fentanyl crisis in our area. So of course I freaked out and went to pick him up right away. When I got there, he had a needle in his arm... apparently you can shoot cocaine, I didn't know that. Disgusting. Brought him home and called his friends (in recovery) They picked him up and brought him to a meeting. We decided he would stay with these recovery friends for a week and work hard on getting straight. Two days later, I had a bad feeling and could tell he wasn't clean. He wasn't with his friends and didn't know where he was. I ended up going into his Facebook and email accounts to try and find out where he was/what he was doing. I know that was a breach of privacy but I was worried about his safety (and life). I was NOT prepared for what I found out.

Never did I think he was cheating- and I don't even know if you can call it that. It's worse. So yes, I was right and he was using again. He was downtown in the scum drug area getting high shooting up meth and whatever else. However, I also found out that he had signed up to an ESCORT website and had met MEN to have sex for money for drugs (we had taken his wallet and cards away so that he couldn't buy any). . I'm so grossed out I can't even handle it. I'll come back to this...

So long story short, I didn't want him to OD and die. I tracked him down, brought him to his parents. Two days later he had left again and was using. Tracked him down a third time and got him into a detox centre. He is now sober and thinking more clearly. He will be going back to treatment after he finishes at detox. I was super supportive and nice to him during this time, as difficult as it was. He said I without a doubt saved his life.

I don't even know if he deserves everything I did for him this last week. He does deserve it, just not from me. But I do know that addiction is an ugly, ugly thing that can make people do things they would never normally do. He is a good person and I just wanted to keep him safe and alive until he was able to get help. Now I can sleep soundly knowing I did that for him and his future is now in his own hands. He is devastated and beyond sorry, embarrassed, ashamed... I've told him I won't tell anyone about the escorting because I don't want to embarrass him or ruin his reputation. I told our mutual friends and his family that he cheated on me, which is why I'm ending our relationship. I said I would still be there for him as a friend.

I wouldn't have left him over the relapse. I would give that a second chance, since he did have 2 years clean under his belt and hopefully he will get better. But I don't know how I can possibly get past this information about hooking up with men for money. It makes me want to puke. When we got together, I was very hesitant knowing his drug past and made sure to have proof of several tests before I ever was intimate with him, so I know that I'm safe in that regard. And I'm not at all homophobic- I have many gay friends and fully support free love. I don't mean for this to sound bad, but for some reason it's a huge fear of mine to sleep with a guy who has slept with a guy. It's just a major turn off sexually for me. I could never date a guy who was bi-sexual. I hope that isn't taken the wrong way, it's just how I honestly feel. However I still love him, I miss him like crazy and I don't know what to do. He is devastated and will do anything to get me back. I just don't think I can ever get past this. I understand it is not the real him and that a drug addiction that strong could make someone do very desperate things.

Is he bi-sexual? Could I EVER trust him again? I know I need to just move on, and be there for him as a friend at most. This is so messed up. I don't know what to think or feel, I'm a mess. Not even sure what my question is. Maybe I just need to vent since I have no one to talk to about this, about what really happened. Any comments or advice is much appreciated... thank you.

No, you can never trust him again. And yes, I would say he is bisexual. For me, there would be absolutely no going back. Ever. It has nothing to do with homophobia and everything to do with him not being who I thought he was, lying and putting his own life on the line by behaving so recklessly.

I'm really sorry this happened to you, OP. I hope you have some good friends and family around to support you. You don't necessarily need to tell them all the details, but you are going to need clear-thinking folks around you who will help you stay away from him. He might not be an evil man, but he is is no way relationship material. The huge betrayal of trust and the gamble he's taken with your well-being should be a dealbreaker. There is a whole side to him he's been hiding until now, but I can just about promise you it's been there all along. What I mean is that he might not have been using drugs the past couple years, but I highly doubt his attraction to men didn't come out of nowhere. He just elected not to tell you about it. You loved who you thought he was, but that version of him is not the full picture. It's very important you don't make excuses for him, to yourself.

I don't want to scare you, but you should make an appointment immediately with your doctor for a full STI and HIV test. He is an IV-drug user and sleeps with others in a high-risk trade. He's been prostituting himself, by your description. I would not trust that he hasn't ever shared a needle or had unprotected sex with others. The risk to your health is pretty high here, so please, seek medical attention now. You said you asked for proof before being intimate with him, but as I understand, he has since engaged in some very high-risk behaviour. Call your doctor. Assuming you're safe is not wise.

The first thing I did was go see my dr- thankfully, everything has come back just fine. I will do another in 6 months to be sure. Before I was ever intimate with him, I made him show me proof of the STI and blood work they do at the treatment centre he went to... they do one upon intake and another 6 months later. I then had him take a THIRD one before we were ever intimate- so I was extremely careful. But thank you- that's exactly where my first thoughts went. Sorry, should also clarify- this all happened one week ago- I have NOT been intimate with him or even kissed him for that matter since the relapse and escorting, so I'm not in any danger there.

Missy,

You sound like a strong soulful woman, and I quite like this passage in your post:

Now I can sleep soundly knowing I did that for him and his future is now in his own hands.

That sounds like the right boundary.

With respect to his actions, I wish he weren't ashamed; I wish he weren't judging himself. He has an addiction that still pulls at his body and effects his brain, as you know. Acceptance of his medical history seems a good place to start.

As for you, I am glad you ended it but not for the reasons you think.

I do not think your ex is bi. Selling his sex acts wasn't an expression of his sexuality; it was an expression of his distance from himself and his humanity.

Remember- as you know - that your ability to manage chaos might lead you to accept its risks more readily than others. Since you don't really want that role, you will have to remind yourself not to expose yourself to risks of chaos, and practice that until your intuition adjusts itself.

You and your ex are good people. That doesn't mean you need to choose to let addiction into your life.

The first thing I did was go see my dr- thankfully, everything has come back just fine. I will do another in 6 months to be sure. Before I was ever intimate with him, I made him show me proof of the STI and blood work they do at the treatment centre he went to... they do one upon intake and another 6 months later. I then had him take a THIRD one before we were ever intimate- so I was extremely careful. But thank you- that's exactly where my first thoughts went. Sorry, should also clarify- this all happened one week ago- I have NOT been intimate with him or even kissed him for that matter since the relapse and escorting, so I'm not in any danger there.

Good for you. Your health and well-being needs to be number one now.

I would still be done with him. It is simply not the type of chaos and emotional strain I would permit in my life, because this likely won't be his last relapse either. It rarely is with drugs like this, especially if he's also using meth. That is an extremely difficult one to beat forever. It depends on what you want for you future, but imagine if he does this again and gets himself arrested for drug possession or solicitation. Imagine he does one day catch something from a needle or a client. Imagine he gets caught up in a bad drug deal and the dealer comes looking for him or you. Imagine things going well for a while, so you decide to start a family. And then Dad relapses again and goes MIA while you have a little baby on your hip running around town trying to find him. Know what kind of life you could be signing up for if you take him back.

For me, the risks of staying with someone who has such serious problems far outweigh the rewards. I would let him know that I wish him well on his journey to healing and recovery, and then I would walk away and embark on one of my own.

Sorry to hear this. You need to cut him out of your life unless you want to get arrested or contract HIV, hepatitis and a multitude of other STIs and blood borne diseases.. Don't be a social worker or psychiatrist. Stop enabling him, you are helping him get sicker and sicker by playing rescuer and making extremely dangerous decisions. IV cocaine abuse is not being 'a little drunk' where you bring someone home. IV cocaine use can lead to lethal cardiac issues.

You should have called an ambulance, not brought him to his druggie friends, you are playing with someone's life with your very misguided attempts to 'fix' him. He needs rehab not a relationship. Your love of drama is risking a person's life. Stop. You seem much too naive to handle this appropriately. He is not "a good person". He is is an IV drug addict and a male prostitute hooking for drug money.

Block and delete him from everything, all messaging, social media and devices. Change all your passwords. Addicts do not hesitate using people, stealing, etc. to feed their selfish highs. Get his stuff out of your house and change the locks. You did nothing for him except endanger his life and condone and perpetuate his drug use.

he had a needle in his arm...apparently you can shoot cocaine. We decided he would stay with these recovery friends for a week and work hard on getting straight. I also found out that he had signed up to an ESCORT website and had met MEN to have sex for money for drugs

Imo, you helped him way above and beyond an average person would have. He may or may not be bi-sexual. My impression is that drug addicts will do anything to get their hands on their next dose so for him it was probably about making "easy" money rather than sexual orientation. The thing is that you need to take a step back and consider your own history and whether your feelings are influenced by it. You grew up with an (alcohol) addict parent who was more like a child and it sounds like you may be trying to "fix" your past through this guy. You did for him what a parent would do for their child. Have you ever sought therapy about your past? Could it be that you are (subconsciously) attracted to this man because in a way he feels "very familiar" due to your upbringing? To me, it seems like your inner child may be trying to "fix" your childhood trauma through him, but only you know whether that could true.

Imo, you should not trust him ever again. Imo, the dynamic of the relationship that you two have build is such that it would enable him towards relapse. Plus, if what I suggested above has any relevance to you, what attracts you to him is not a healthy relationship foundation.

Best of luck with your life. Imo, helping him like that was admirable. However, it sounds like the best thing for you would be to cut off all contact, learn from the experience and when you are ready, move on to someone who is not an addict.

He's your mother, and you're the child "parenting" him the way you "parented" (your words) her.

Living with an addict is familiar to you, which is why you sought out a partner who had an addictive history.

This may take some therapy to unwind, which I highly recommend.

OP, if he has been clean for two years, then the physical/chemical addiction is long gone. You need to accept the fact that he went and got high simply because he wanted to and for no other reason. You now know that he will do anything to pursue that - no limits, no boundaries. Please accept that he is not the good person you want to believe that he is.

You've done what you can to help him get into rehab. Outside of this, you must stop all contact with him forever. Do not get back together with him. Do not stay friends. Either one is nothing more than becoming his enabler.

Also, agree with the above poster that in this situation, you've fallen into what's familiar and you must walk away and even talk to a therapist to get that out of your system so you do not keep getting involved with addicts and mothering them and trying to help/fix. The true help for any addict is letting them hit rock bottom, which means walking away from them. You can't fix people, they have this thing called free will and they make choices that suit them, no matter how bad or disagreeable society finds those choices to be. If they want to change, they'll change. The desire is internal and usually only triggered by extreme loss...if ever. Many addicts accept that they will die from it and they don't really care. They'd rather get high.

I find it interesting that you gravitate to people who are all former users (boyfriend, friends). You sound like you have a codependent, drama-seeking nature.

End it with this guy and look for people who do not have addiction issues - this includes friends.

Find better partners. This guy is a total loser! Block, delete, and do everything to remove him from your life. Damn, he prostituted himself for drugs. Can't go any lower than that.

Have you been tested for STDs? You should also seek therapy for codependency.

"I understand it is not the real him" It is the real him.

You cannot be friends with him, either.

On reading through your post again, OP -

He went from clean for 2 years, to relapsing so badly and being so desperate for money that he's selling himself for money and drugs, all in just one week? Is that the timeline he's presented you?

Something doesn't add up there, in my opinion.

Thank you. I am seeking therapy to help get through this and also address past trauma I have not dealt with. I definitely didn't 'seek' him out though... I didn't know about his addiction until the 3rd date when he told me. I had already started developing feelings for him and thought long and hard about if that was something I could accept. It seemed like it was well in his past, he had over a year of clean time and I decided to give him a chance. I've never dated an addict before nor will I ever again. Lesson learned. Thank you

Thank you so much for this comment. I keep re-reading it. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

Yes, as stated above I went that same day I found out to be tested. I also had him tested several times before I was ever intimate with him, and have not been intimate with him after this relapse (of course) I don't gravitate towards users though- the 'friends' mentioned above were HIS friends that he knows from the recovery community- recovered addicts. I do not have a single friend of my own who is or was a drug user. I did not know about his past until our third date- when I had already started developing some feelings for him. I should have walked away right then- but instead I thought long and hard about if it was something I could accept. He was very active in his recovery, had a decent amount of clean time, and I decided to give him a chance. Lesson learned, I will not make that same mistake again. I definitely do not have a drama-seeking nature- I hate drama. I work full-time and run a non-profit dog rescue (which is also full time work that I fund myself)- so I definitely do not have time for drama. I just wanted him to get to rehab where he could get his head straight and have the best chance at not dying on the streets before he sobered up. I am seeking therapy for this and past trauma- but not co-dependency. I'm very independent and need my alone time.

He did not go from 'clean and sober' to IV cocaine and hooking for drug money overnight. He's been using all along. Addicts lie out of habit and they don't want relationships, they want people they can use for something. Their primary relationship is with drugs. Hiding their drug use is a means to an end. Like a place to crash, hang out, food, etc and sex in your case or just to appear to be a normal citizen.

he had over a year of clean time and I decided to give him a chance.

Stop enabling him, you are helping him get sicker and sicker by playing rescuer and making extremely dangerous decisions. IV cocaine abuse is not being 'a little drunk' where you bring someone home. IV cocaine use can lead to lethal cardiac issues.

 

You should have called an ambulance, not brought him to his druggie friends, you are playing with someone's life with your very misguided attempts to 'fix' him. He needs rehab not a relationship. Your love of drama is risking a person's life. Stop. You seem much too naive to handle this appropriately.

I appreciate your comment but I think you've misunderstood... his 'druggie' friends were people like his sponsor, who have years of recovery and know how to handle the situation. I had found out about the escorting and wanted nothing to do with him- except to make sure he didn't die before he got into a rehab centre. They met me the same time I picked him up so that they could deal with it appropriately. The second time I brought him straight to his parents- again so that THEY could deal with it. Each time they promised me they were getting him to a detox centre, which they clearly didn't. The third, I figured out no one else in his life was getting him where he needed to go- so I brought him to rehab myself. Which was not my responsibility. But it needed to be done. Each of these 3 events happened over the course of 5 days, and I picked him up and brought him straight somewhere- just got him off the streets and to help. I do not think I was enabling- since each of these events happened within an hour of me 'finding' him. People die so often from relapses- I simply wanted to get him somewhere safe where he could get the help he needed- just not from me. It's not like I brought him home and was taking care of him, letting him crash at mine. I do not love drama and I believe my actions saved his life. I have no interest in "fixing him" I simply didn't want him to overdose until he got help, which was sought right away. As stated above, I ended the relationship and the only contact I had WAS to get him into rehab. So thank you for your comment, as misguided as it was.

Clearly you have partnered up with someone just like your mother and your codependency didn't keep you safe from being the caretaker of yet another addicted person.

I know I need to just move on, and be there for him as a friend at most.

Clean yourself of him altogether, get therapy for yourself with a counselor who is proficient in the symptoms and cures of codependency so that you stop finding men like your mother, attractive. Had you the good personal boundaries in place against dating addicts or recovering addicts that you do have against dating bi-sexual men, you would never have found yourself being this man's caretaker which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiver and you'd not be hurting like you are today.

I wish you luck in your own recovery from this.

Please google Codependency and read everything you can about it. Here is a link to get you started.

http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/what_is_coda-really.htm

I'm very independent and need my alone time.

Yes. It's called an emergency room if someone has A Needle In Their Arm..

I simply wanted to get him somewhere safe where he could get the help he needed.

He did not go from 'clean and sober' to IV cocaine and hooking for drug money overnight. He's been using all along. Addicts lie out of habit and they don't want relationships, they want people they can use for something. Their primary relationship is with drugs. Hiding their drug use is a means to an end. Like a place to crash, hang out, food, etc and sex in your case or just to appear to be a normal citizen.

I strongly suspect he relapsed a while ago, too, but successfully kept it hidden until he just couldn't anymore.

I am gathering that he has a job, OP? How financially stable is he? (that you know, I mean) I ask because I have a hard time believing that he got that desperate for cash and drugs that he resorted to prostitution all within a week. Most would burn through other available resources first, and then turn to more nefarious money-making ventures when their other options are depleted.

I think there is a lot more to this that you still don't know, sadly.

Here is another link that applies, OP:

http://parentingsquad.com/caring-vs-care-taking-do-you-know-the-difference

I strongly suspect he relapsed a while ago, too, but successfully kept it hidden until he just couldn't anymore.

 

I am gathering that he has a job, OP? How financially stable is he? (that you know, I mean) I ask because I have a hard time believing that he got that desperate for cash and drugs that he resorted to prostitution all within a week. Most would burn through other available resources first, and then turn to more nefarious money-making ventures when their other options are depleted.

 

I think there is a lot more to this that you still don't know, sadly.

Yes, he has a good job and makes decent money. His friends had taken away his wallet, with all his cards and ID so that he didn't have access to money. I just don't understand how that was his go-to... there are other (illegal and still terrible) ways to come up with cash when you are that desperate. He could have sold belongings for cheap on craigslist, stolen.. I don't know. I literally would have preferred for him to rob a bank as horrible as that sounds. Literally anything else would have been better.

I do know from his past that meth (IV) was his drug of choice at the end of his addiction. He spent SO much time with me and although I'm not an expert on drugs, I would have known if he was high on something like that. I drink casually, which he always said didn't bother him (glass of wine at social events, etc) and he would never drink. There has to be more to it. We just shared such an open life, borrow each other's phones and such, he was never private or secretive about anything during the course of our relationship. I'm still in shock. I know I shouldn't be, since I do know about his past, this is just not the person that I know. I'm done and would not get back together with him. I guess I just wanted some reassurance since all of my friends think he cheated and don't know what really happened. Thank you so much for your advice

Here is another link that applies, OP:

 

http://parentingsquad.com/caring-vs-care-taking-do-you-know-the-difference

Thank you so much. Reading them now..

Thank you so much for this comment. I keep re-reading it. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

Which comment did you mean to reference?

I am wondering which phrasing / message felt so on point. It's useful feedback in the help-us-help-you sort of way.

I strongly suspect he relapsed a while ago, too, but successfully kept it hidden until he just couldn't anymore.

 

I am gathering that he has a job, OP? How financially stable is he? (that you know, I mean) I ask because I have a hard time believing that he got that desperate for cash and drugs that he resorted to prostitution all within a week. Most would burn through other available resources first, and then turn to more nefarious money-making ventures when their other options are depleted.

 

I think there is a lot more to this that you still don't know, sadly.

They took his wallet and keys...