I lied about a friend, now my ex dumped me.

Sorry for the long post. I started talking to my Ex in June from POF. I had a trip for work and at the same time I was going to meet up with a long time friend of mine. When I got back from my trip I started seeing my Ex on a regular basis. She brought up the trip in early August, and I initially lied about seeing my friend, fearing it would look bad. After a few minutes I admitted that I saw a friend of mine. Before I continue, I want to say my friend in Dallas and I have never had any romantic feelings towards one another. It has always been platonic. At this point my Ex's trust was broken. I gave her a break for about a week and we rekindled things. There were up's and down's but we seemed to have worked it out. Fast forward to last night the 26th. My friend in Dallas seriously had the worst timing and sends me a text saying she hoped I had a good weekend. My Ex saw the text and asked was that the girl from Dallas. I again lied at first and said no, then immediately said yes, knowing I messed up. Needless to say things went down hill rapidly. We didn't really fight but she said she loved me and started to cry. It was a horrible end to a great day. Interestingly she texted at about 3am and asked for a picture of us. I sent one and said I love you. I want to say that I feel bad about breaking her trust and her heart. I am remorseful and I want to attempt to earn her trust again. I have backed off and I am going to give her space. You guys can be brutally honest if need be. I am just looking for advice or anything really. Thank you for reading this.

You broke her trust, so whether you did do anything with Dallas friend or not, you lying doesn't look good. Then factor in you lying when you have nothing to hide sets a precedent for you definitely lying if you mess up.

I would meet with her and tell her that the reason you lied was because you didn't want anything to mess up your relationship but now realise that was the worst thing you could have done. Hopefully this will allow her to give you a second chance, however, I don't like to encourage people being in relationships with someone they don't trust as they always end up feeling unhappy and insecure.

The problem is not that you saw the friend, but the fact that you are acting shady, which makes people suspicious. To lie, then immediately change your story.

Since you weren't really seeing eachother much yet, you could have just said it was a work trip and not mentioned the friend instead of backtracking like you felt guilty OR upfront saying "i am going on a work trip to a conference. One of my friends lives in that town so i am going to try to meet them for lunch" everything would have been fine. And then again, you lied and then backtracked. The problem is not that you have a female friend in another state - the fact is that you are ACTING like things are suspicious.

I think with things being so new- -its only a two months relationship -- that you may just have to accept that the relationship would end. You acted shady too many times in the short 8 to 12 weeks of the relationship. maybe your girlfriend has had to deal with liars and cheaters before - who knows -- but either way, you are AÇTING like something's up when its not.

The problem is not that you saw the friend, but the fact that you are acting shady, which makes people suspicious. To lie, then immediately change your story.

 

Since you weren't really seeing eachother much yet, you could have just said it was a work trip and not mentioned the friend instead of backtracking like you felt guilty OR upfront saying "i am going on a work trip to a conference. One of my friends lives in that town so i am going to try to meet them for lunch" everything would have been fine. And then again, you lied and then backtracked. The problem is not that you have a female friend in another state - the fact is that you are ACTING like things are suspicious.

 

I think with things being so new- -its only a two months relationship -- that you may just have to accept that the relationship would end. You acted shady too many times in the short 8 to 12 weeks of the relationship. maybe your girlfriend has had to deal with liars and cheaters before - who knows -- but either way, you are AÇTING like something's up when its not.

I definitely see what you are saying. If it was the other way around I would have the same suspicion. My only solace right now is that she hasn't blocked me from any social media. But as I said I am backing off.

I definitely see what you are saying. If it was the other way around I would have the same suspicion. My only solace right now is that she hasn't blocked me from any social media. But as I said I am backing off.

I think you should learn this as a character building experience. Learn not to lie to people. It makes you look guilty even when you are innocent. You said you lied because you didn't want to ruin the relationship? Is there a reason why the truth would have wrecked the relationship. Did you spend the night at her place or do you lean on her emotionally? If its really platonic what would you have to hide? If there is no reason the truth was shady in any way -- if its not shady, it sounds compulsive. I would just work on this so that the next relationship you have does not have the same issue

I think you should learn this as a character building experience. Learn not to lie to people. It makes you look guilty even when you are innocent. You said you lied because you didn't want to ruin the relationship? Is there a reason why the truth would have wrecked the relationship. Did you spend the night at her place or do you lean on her emotionally? If its really platonic what would you have to hide? If there is no reason the truth was shady in any way -- if its not shady, it sounds compulsive. I would just work on this so that the next relationship you have does not have the same issue

I more lied that I did not want to hurt her. But obviously I should have just told her the truth from the beginning. Do you think this is hopeless?

Sorry for the long post. I started talking to my Ex in June from POF. I had a trip for work and at the same time I was going to meet up with a long time friend of mine. When I got back from my trip I started seeing my Ex on a regular basis. She brought up the trip in early August, and I initially lied about seeing my friend, fearing it would look bad. After a few minutes I admitted that I saw a friend of mine. Before I continue, I want to say my friend in Dallas and I have never had any romantic feelings towards one another. It has always been platonic. At this point my Ex's trust was broken. I gave her a break for about a week and we rekindled things. There were up's and down's but we seemed to have worked it out. Fast forward to last night the 26th. My friend in Dallas seriously had the worst timing and sends me a text saying she hoped I had a good weekend. My Ex saw the text and asked was that the girl from Dallas. I again lied at first and said no, then immediately said yes, knowing I messed up. Needless to say things went down hill rapidly. We didn't really fight but she said she loved me and started to cry. It was a horrible end to a great day. Interestingly she texted at about 3am and asked for a picture of us. I sent one and said I love you. I want to say that I feel bad about breaking her trust and her heart. I am remorseful and I want to attempt to earn her trust again. I have backed off and I am going to give her space. You guys can be brutally honest if need be. I am just looking for advice or anything really. Thank you for reading this.

Don't fib next time.

I more lied that I did not want to hurt her. But obviously I should have just told her the truth from the beginning. Do you think this is hopeless?

Why would it hurt her if the friend INDEED was just an old friend? I guess i don't understand why that would have hurt someone you only went out on one or no dates with...?

Why would it hurt her if the friend INDEED was just an old friend? I guess i don't understand why that would have hurt someone you only went out on one or no dates with...?

To me it did not look right. My friend was willing to go to bat for me. But I just did not want to involve her anymore.

Why would it hurt her if the friend INDEED was just an old friend? I guess i don't understand why that would have hurt someone you only went out on one or no dates with...?

Well, I think she's been burned and lied to in the past and now she has mega-insecurities, and you didn't help them any. You broke her trust in the first two months and now she can't trust you. If she comes back, you've got to make the promise not to lie to her. (And if you lie to her, don't change your story later on.)

To me it did not look right. My friend was willing to go to bat for me. But I just did not want to involve her anymore.

If it didn't "look" right then should it have been done?

If it didn't "look" right then should it have been done?

I see your point. I should have been honest. Those are my issues I need to work out.

I see your point. I should have been honest. Those are my issues I need to work out.

That's that—make this your focus right now, not winning her back, especially because you guys were barely a thing.

Maybe you got an early itch that she wasn't comfortable with you having female friends, or maybe that's an itch you have about women, or something. Regardless, honesty is really everything, and if you're uncomfortable telling someone something as simple as this you'll find yourself in a version of this moment time and again.

Seems like lying is almost a knee jerk reaction to you. Not a good one either.

And you didn't lie to spare her feelings. You lied so she wouldn't get mad at you. Now she's twice as mad.

It's a life lesson.

Seems like lying is almost a knee jerk reaction to you. Not a good one either.

 

And you didn't lie to spare her feelings. You lied so she wouldn't get mad at you. Now she's twice as mad.

 

It's a life lesson.

I don't understand how seeing a friend on a business trip would even come up unless you raised it.

I don't understand how seeing a friend on a business trip would even come up unless you raised it.

Why were you seeing an ex? What was the initial breakup about? Unfortunately it seems there is still no trust.

Why were you seeing an ex? What was the initial breakup about? Unfortunately it seems there is still no trust.

I think she went through fb. She started bringing it up out of nowhere. So I'm assuming fb. I had my profile as open

No-- you told her you were going to meet up with a friend while you were there. She happened to dig through Facebook and then brought it up "oh, you are going on a business trip to Dallas and meeting a friend -- i read it on FB." NO =-- YOU told her "i am going to Dallas on business....and seeing a friend". Is this another lie?? Why??

I can see if AFTER the trip and after she was dating you a bit she was curious to see what the friend looked like--- but of your own admission she had no reason to know you were going to Dallas until you told her

I think she went through fb. She started bringing it up out of nowhere. So I'm assuming fb. I had my profile as open

she started bringing the friend up because YOU mentioned the friend --- later it started to bother her because the friend was female

No-- you told her you were going to meet up with a friend while you were there. She happened to dig through Facebook and then brought it up "oh, you are going on a business trip to Dallas and meeting a friend -- i read it on FB." NO =-- YOU told her "i am going to Dallas on business....and seeing a friend". Is this another lie?? Why??

 

I can see if AFTER the trip and after she was dating you a bit she was curious to see what the friend looked like--- but of your own admission she had no reason to know you were going to Dallas until you told her

I told her about the trip after I came back. We didn't get together until after I came back. I lied about the friend then later on I admitted that I lied

Honestly, the more you talk about this the more it's simply clear that you and this woman aren't meant to be. Like, at all. You went to Dallas before you were even dating, hung out with a female friend, and already you had some idea that she wouldn't be okay with it?

That's a lot of eggshells scattered about early. Eggshells (early, in the middle, late in the game) are generally a sign that something about the chemistry in two people brings out more anxiety than comfort. Sadly, a lot of people make the mistake of thinking that anxiety is a sign of a special connection, but there's a big difference between mosquitoes and butterflies.

Anyhow, make honesty a policy. It should be very, very easy early on to be honest with someone because (a) the stakes are low and (b) all you're hoping for is to be accepted. Accepted as someone who sees female friends in Dallas, say, because that's who you are and nothing to hide.

Honestly, the more you talk about this the more it's simply clear that you and this woman aren't meant to be. Like, at all. You went to Dallas before you were even dating, hung out with a female friend, and already you had some idea that she wouldn't be okay with it?

 

That's a lot of eggshells scattered about early. Eggshells (early, in the middle, late in the game) are generally a sign that something about the chemistry in two people brings out more anxiety than comfort. Sadly, a lot of people make the mistake of thinking that anxiety is a sign of a special connection, but there's a big difference between mosquitoes and butterflies.

 

Anyhow, make honesty a policy. It should be very, very easy early on to be honest with someone because (a) the stakes are low and (b) all you're hoping for is to be accepted. Accepted as someone who sees female friends in Dallas, say, because that's who you are and nothing to hide.

It sounds like this is a tough situation. It sounds like you were trying to protect your ex, but it came across as bad? Have you talked more to her about this, to see what she is feeling/thinking? I am praying that it gets resolved and that the truth will be clear!