Should I give up

I'm in love with my ex and I don't know what to do. When I 1st met her it was kinda like a fairy tale I like knew she was the girl for me. I waited a year for her to date me and things were good. She suffers from depression and anxiety very bad. When she's in a good place she's the best, so caring and kind really there for me when I need her great to talk to the best she has this draw about her. She pulls people in she's that type of girl and she's bit a bad person at all cares about everyone is so nice to everyone just a joy to be around. But when she's sad She pushes me away it was hard for me to understand at 1st cause she struggles to communicate. At 1st I though she was throwing me away so I got upset and IDK that's the story of our relationship pretty much. She's like a different person when she's sad. We broke up cause she was getting so bad and couldn't handle it. She's cold-hearted and mean she says horrible things, laughs at my feelings calls me names she's hit me, will say she's gonna kill herself and block me yell and scream at me mostly for no reason. It hurts alot. I've personally been through alot myself and she's the only person I every really loved, trusted and opened up to. I'm nice I'd say 95% of people who I thought cared about me or were my friends have used me or betrayed me. She is the only one who's really been there for me but that's also why it hurts so bad when she's mean and what not. I do everything I can for her but it's never enough I'm stronger then her I have what it takes to provide for her in everyway and it takes nothing out of me if anything it makes me happy. I truly love her I know deep down even when she's mean she's an amazing girl like everything just feels right and natural with her. She's getting help she's in meds and sees a therapist but I think this is something that's never gonna go away. Should I give up on her? I believe that her mental illness doesn't define who she is I've struggled too and she never gave up on me. If I cut her off I don't know if I'd be OK. I'd worry so so much I've tried and Its extremely hard. She's like me she has no-one who loves her for who she really is. I would never want to deal with my bs without someone to turn too when I really need to talk or whatever how can I bring myself to do it to the girl I love :/

We broke up cause she was getting so bad and couldn't handle it. She's cold-hearted and mean she says horrible things, laughs at my feelings calls me names she's hit me, will say she's gonna kill herself and block me yell and scream at me mostly for no reason.

OP, she is abusive. Physically, verbally and emotionally. Being depressed does not give one license to abuse their partner.

Yes, you should give up. But I would re-word that to this: You should act in your own best interest and stay away from her. This isn't love. It's toxic codependency and it will destroy your well-being. She doesn't need you, so you should stop trying to convince yourself that she does. All you're doing there is grasping for an excuse to hang on.

It's good that she's in therapy, but you need to move on. This is over, as it should be. I would strongly suggest you seek out some professional help too, to get your self-worth back to a healthy place. Wanting to hang on to an abuser suggests you have a lot of inner work to do, as well. You need to redefine love and learn to respect yourself more.

How long were you dating and how long ago did you break up? Have you considered that it's good it ended so she's not abusing you? Have you tried dating women without all these problems?

I'm in love with my ex and I don't know what to do. She's cold-hearted and mean she says horrible things, laughs at my feelings calls me names she's hit me, will say she's gonna kill herself and block me yell and scream at me mostly for no reason.

I've been through similar. I dated a girl (who sat beside me at work) who ended up having sever anxiety and would say horrible things, the worst you can imagine. She even said one time that since she is getting her phD she is better than me and she likes her teaching assistant because he is more educated etc. etc. She even sent me an email with naked pictures of some random guy she was texting with after an argument.....

I also dated another and she got incredibly violent and possessive. She would get super jealous if I wanted to go out with my friends and once time through a cable at my face because I wanted to go out and just started hitting met etc. etc.

Now, I'm a pretty strong guy (240 lbs and in decent shape) so it never hurt my physically, but all the stuff she would say was really horrible...and I had to sit beside that person at my work...she said if I broke up with her she would start hooking up with the guy who sat next to me.....etc...etc..

Anyways, I completely blocked both of those people and I just wish I would have done that sooner. I am now together with a girl who is so wonderful, never raises her voice, never says mean things, and is a great communicator with an amazing family.

Just don't put up with it and move on. I would suggest going on Tinder (that is where I met my amazing gf of almost 3 years) and you will realize there are wayyyyy better people for you.

You only have one life, so don't waste it with someone like that...

Call me crazy but concider staying with her too. Equally weigh out both the good and bad parts. This is not my opinion to convince you to leave because I label her as toxic. You and ONLY you know her better than everybody else here. Personally I could stay with somebody who has a mental illness I know a lot about, or have experienced myself. Why? Because I know what that person went through and so I also know what they need the most to calm them down.

I believe that only people who don't fully understand her mental illness would simply leave her. It's only abusive if you are unable to deal with it in which case: yes, obviously you should leave. But as long as you are able to deal with it and make her better herself, if only one tiny step at a time, why would you leave? She may one day return the favor times 10 when she realizes somebody stayed with her through her darkest moments. Isn't that what true love is?

So like, what about autistic people who appear to have no emotion? Do you think they don't deserve love? And what about somebody who experienced, say, a horrible traumatic event? That person is scarred for life and it's not even their own fault. Do you think they don't deserve love because they were born a certain way or went through something that was just out of their control?

I'm not saying you should stay or leave, I'm just saying think about this. Take everything in concideration. Why? Because it's so freaking easy to point at somebodys behavior and label that person as toxic. That person might even hate themselves for it but they just can't help it. That person may really need therapy, sure, but if you leave them when they want to better themselves it doesn't make them better themselves. They just want to give up.

So once again, I am NOT saying you should stay and I am NOT saying you should leave, I'm only saying: take everything into concideration when making your decission.

Wow. These are some serious cognitive distortions. Hopefully you are getting therapy to help clear up some of these misconceptions. Relationships and dating are not equal opportunity or rescue situations.

-It's only abusive if you are unable to deal with it

-somebody stayed with her through her darkest moments. Isn't that what true love is?

-Do you think they don't deserve love because they were born a certain way or went through something that was just out of their control?

-it's so freaking easy to point at somebodys behavior and label that person as toxic. That person might even hate themselves for it but they just can't help it.

It's only a lack of understanding that causes people to leave. If you have the experience to heal their mental illness would you leave simply because it's toxic, even though for the moment they can't help it? Even though you know you can help them? Like I said, if you are unable to deal with it, then sure, leave them. But if you are able to help them, why leave?

You can label my words as cognitive distortions but I'm not telling anyone what to do here, I'm not trying to convince anyone of what is "true" or "false", I'm merely just asking questions to help make the decission. And yes, there are some mental illnesses we don't know anything about yet so we can't help everybody, but we can help somebody.

It's inappropriate to keep condoning abuse.

This is why it's considered toxic, that person has serious issues, they aren't getting help with it or trying to improve themselves and are making you pay for it.

That is no where near love, in fact, it's the opposite.

Someone that loves you will always try to do what they can to fix issues, even if it's serious ones with themselves. They also won't make you suffer.

You need to change your perspectives, seriously. How you think now is very damaging and your partner will never get better with you looking the other way all the time.

You aren't the one meant to heal this person, a trained therapist is meant for that. You as the partner can support them through getting the help they need but it's not your job to save them or fix them.

Someone that loves you as well won't make you suffer due to their mental illness. She is still smart enough to know how she behaves and she can gain self control in not allowing herself to abuse you or treat you as her punching bag.

It's not love just because you let her.

It's only a lack of understanding that causes people to leave. If you have the experience to heal their mental illness would you leave simply because it's toxic, even though for the moment they can't help it? Even though you know you can help them? Like I said, if you are unable to deal with it, then sure, leave them. But if you are able to help them, why leave?

 

You can label my words as cognitive distortions but I'm not telling anyone what to do here, I'm not trying to convince anyone of what is "true" or "false", I'm merely just asking questions to help make the decission. And yes, there are some mental illnesses we don't know anything about yet so we can't help everybody, but we can help somebody.

OP is not a trained mental health professional as far as we know.

If his girlfriend broke her leg should he be expected to treat that too?

OP is not a trained mental health professional as far as we know.

 

If his girlfriend broke her leg should he be expected to treat that too?

No, but would you leave her because she broke her leg? Or would you stay with her and care for her a little more than usual? I'd choose the latter.

No, but would you leave her because she broke her leg? Or would you stay with her and care for her a little more than usual? I'd choose the latter.

If my partner hit me and threatened suicide, yes I would leave.

That is far beyond anything I am willing to tolerate.

Agreed, Bolt, there is a limit of what one should accept, even when it comes to mental health issues. Hitting and threatening is never okay.

The first line of this post states that the girl concerned is his ex - so if the relationship's already over then staying in it isn't really an issue. One or other of them has already ended it.

Just as a general point, though, I've worked in mental health on and off for years, and there are some patients who gave their loved ones and families such a hard time that I felt even more concerned for them than I did the patient (who, at least, was being treated at the time).

It's not lack of understanding that makes people walk away. It can be self-preservation. If someone in the middle of a psychotic episode was trying to kill you because, in their delusional state, they thought you were the Antichrist (say) would you let them injure you because they were unwell? Not if you've got any sense! Abuse is abuse, and its effect on the recipient is just the same whether it arises because the abuser being unwell, or being malevolent.

Thinking you can love someone into getting well is a dangerous myth; at worst, it means that you will keep the other person sick, because you'll prevent them from getting the help they need because you think you can do better. Well-intentioned people who don't know what they're doing can actually sabotage someone else's recovery.

This statement is very telling:

If I cut her off I don't know if I'd be OK.

She's on meds and seeing a therapist; I suggest you also seek professional help, which will support your growth as a person and give you enough self esteem not to stay in harmful situations.