When does child punishment go too far?

What would be concidered "appropriate" as a punishment for a child? What do you think?

On one end, something as (seemingly) small as sending the child to his room would be concidered a bad punishment. Some people say a cold shower is bad, others find it a good way of punishing your child. And then there is extremes such as humiliating or even physical abuse. Obviously the last one is concidered wrong, no doubt. But for the other, softer ways of punishment: when does it go too far and when is it appropriate? There just seems to be a very thin, almost invisible line between good punishment or abuse...

Well, everything you mentions except time out (sending a child to their room) is abuse.

The trick to not having to "punish" at all is consistency and not enabling bad behavior as a rule. Punishing one time for and then not the next time for the same behaviour is just confusing the child. Children need structure and a whole lot of affection and positive reinforcement.

The most I have had to do was maybe 2 timeouts with my son. When he was an early teen. That is it. I believe any kind of corporal punishment or emotional punishment is abuse .

Never heard of a cold shower as punishment. Whacking is easy, parenting is hard.

Some people say a cold shower is bad, others find it a good way of punishing your child.

Well that's quite clear actually, I totally agree! Thank you for sharing. I'm asking because I don't want to make the same mistakes my parents did when I was younger.

The most I have had to do was maybe 2 timeouts with my son. When he was an early teen. That is it. I believe any kind of corporal punishment or emotional punishment is abuse .

I had to do many timeouts with my little firecracker, however I didn't use them as a punishment, it was more to give her the opportunity to calm herself down and process her feelings about things. Afterwards we would talk about what happened and how she was feeling. I honestly believe that teaching them about things, being a good example, setting clear boundaries and following through, showing them love and affection is all that's needed to raise a loving happy child.

I had to do many timeouts with my little firecracker, however I didn't use them as a punishment, it was more to give her the opportunity to calm herself down and process her feelings about things. Afterwards we would talk about what happened and how she was feeling. I honestly believe that teaching them about things, being a good example, setting clear boundaries and following through, showing them love and affection is all that's needed to raise a loving happy child.

Exactly.

......

I believe it too. How do you teach a child about processing their emotions? How does a child know how he/she feels? Just by asking, giving examples of possible emotions that child might be experiencing?

I believe it too. How do you teach a child about processing their emotions? How does a child know how he/she feels? Just by asking, giving examples of possible emotions that child might be experiencing?

Have talks about feelings. Explaining your feelings. Sharing feelings.

My son is Autistic so he does at times have great difficulty processing feelings so he needs a lot of time sometimes to process.

I had to do many timeouts with my little firecracker, however I didn't use them as a punishment, it was more to give her the opportunity to calm herself down and process her feelings about things. Afterwards we would talk about what happened and how she was feeling. I honestly believe that teaching them about things, being a good example, setting clear boundaries and following through, showing them love and affection is all that's needed to raise a loving happy child.

Yes.

Children are people... they deserve our basic respect due to that fact alone, as does anyone. Also, punishment is backward looking, while instruction is strength building and forward looking. I don't believe in punishment, but I do believe in giving more responsibility when someone has a pattern of acting up, and in that moment, reducing the amount of stimuli the child has. I believe that responsibility is an honor, and that most everyone wants to be a valued member of the whole. So put little ones on the chore chart, and give them a footstool so they can do it themselves. Have the teenager draw up a plan for themselves, and have them measure their own performance against their own plan.

Permit failure as a learning opportunity, and increase choice when performance warrants it.

I almost never had to punish mine. Occasional time outs, removal of phones when distraction prevented their focus - until they began to remove their own phones themselves (!), and discussion of making different choices if their behavior or grades suggested something wasn't working for them. We have had a lot of discussion about controlling themselves because I can't control anyone besides myself, about working one class ahead of the syllabus, about not worrying about the grade but rather, focusing on the process.

As soon as they were visually able, I showed them what the clock looks like when it was time for bed, and taught them to send themselves to go brush their teeth etc and get into bed. They own their bodies, and I wanted to start that from day 1. Certainly, no corporal punishment, and no degrading conversation. There is no reason to break someone down, especially not someone who so desperately depends on my love.

I believe it too. How do you teach a child about processing their emotions? How does a child know how he/she feels? Just by asking, giving examples of possible emotions that child might be experiencing?

Yes pretty much... kids are actually surprisingly self aware when they have a chance to reflect. They instinctively seem to know sad, angry, happy, hungry, etc... but yea also helping them by naming it...“that must have been frustrating/hurt/fun” etc

You can't really judge something in hypotheticals.

because there could be a situation where a punishment fits the crime.

Heck, if a family was really strapped for cash and the teenager took two hot hour long hot showers each day that made their gas bill go through the roof to unaffordable level and they warn their child time and again that if they would like to be in the shower two hours a day, they can contribute to the gas bill - choice B shower at the gym or choice C the parent will shut the hot water off after 30 mintues -- so choose wisely and the child has a week to decide and the parent cracks down -- a cold shower is not abusive. Its a consequence.

It is easy to make a list of "punishments" in a vacuum and then use it to point fingers and use it to judge a parent you know.

I have a 2 year old. I've never had to punish her. She's no saint, but most of her "tantrums" come down to not being able to handle "big feelings" yet and that's not something you punish. That said, if you are going to give a time out the rule of thumb is is to do it Immediately and don't put them in time out for any longer than their age.

2 minutes for my two year old for example. After you make sure they understand why they are there and hug them to re establish connection

As far as I am concerned, the only acceptable punishments for children are either time outs or taking away privileges such as t.v or video games for a short time.

I think anything else is abuse.

There is no thin or invisible line. You don't place your hands on your child. You don't humiliate them. Cold showers?!?! That is straight out abuse!!

What would be concidered "appropriate" as a punishment for a child? What do you think?

 

On one end, something as (seemingly) small as sending the child to his room would be concidered a bad punishment. Some people say a cold shower is bad, others find it a good way of punishing your child. And then there is extremes such as humiliating or even physical abuse. Obviously the last one is concidered wrong, no doubt. But for the other, softer ways of punishment: when does it go too far and when is it appropriate? There just seems to be a very thin, almost invisible line between good punishment or abuse...

I think it depends on the situation and there are varying opinions. I prefer natural consequences to punishment, I typically remove or delay privileges as consequences for bad choices. I do not hit my child or do any form of physical punishment including cold showers or anything like that. Sometimes he has time out. I do not put him in corners or anything like that because to me personally it's not about shaming him it's about him experiencing consequences for bad choices. I am giving my personal views only and I'm not interested in debating. If I knew a parent was abusing his child physically I very likely would report it if I could provide accurate information. It depends on what the goal is. My goal is not to get my child to see that I am more powerful or to "obey" me blindly - it's to have him learn that his actions have consequences and not just in our home -at school ,etc. Often they are natural consequences not imposed by me. He knows in advance that there will be consequences and often knows the precise consequence.

I do positive reinforcement much much more than discipline -and i believe in that as a way to reinforce good choices and behavior.

I have a 2 year old. I've never had to punish her. She's no saint, but most of her "tantrums" come down to not being able to handle "big feelings" yet and that's not something you punish. That said, if you are going to give a time out the rule of thumb is is to do it Immediately and don't put them in time out for any longer than their age.

 

2 minutes for my two year old for example. After you make sure they understand why they are there and hug them to re establish connection

Well said.

When adults are unhappy with unruly toddlers and babies I often think, "How do YOU feel when YOU are tired, hungry, and overstimulated?"

When we keep to a regular sleep and meal schedule, children have a much better chance of getting along in an adult world.

Well said.

 

When adults are unhappy with unruly toddlers and babies I often think, "How do YOU feel when YOU are tired, hungry, and overstimulated?"

 

When we keep to a regular sleep and meal schedule, children have a much better chance of getting along in an adult world.

Reminds me of Supernanny who has great insights into parenting and discipline

Reminds me of Supernanny who has great insights into parenting and discipline

Haha I had forgotten about her! I will take that compliment, thank you! Lol

My mother was a hitter, she had this massive wooden spoon and didnt hesitate to use it whether or not I had done what she THOUGHT I had done. So I hated her. I have no wooden spoons in my house.

Time out is a fair punishment for a kid, and the length of time depends on how old they are. A few minutes is appropriate for a young child, and maybe up to 10 minutes for an older kid. Teens are a whole different story, you can take away their possessions like their phone or iPad etc. for a day or however long you think the violation warrants.

Also, talk TO your kid, not AT your kid, explain what they did wrong and what they should have done instead. Dialogue is so important. If my mother had discussed infractions with me maybe I would not have hated her as much.

My mother was a hitter, she had this massive wooden spoon and didnt hesitate to use it whether or not I had done what she THOUGHT I had done. So I hated her. I have no wooden spoons in my house.

 

Time out is a fair punishment for a kid, and the length of time depends on how old they are. A few minutes is appropriate for a young child, and maybe up to 10 minutes for an older kid. Teens are a whole different story, you can take away their possessions like their phone or iPad etc. for a day or however long you think the violation warrants.

 

Also, talk TO your kid, not AT your kid, explain what they did wrong and what they should have done instead. Dialogue is so important. If my mother had discussed infractions with me maybe I would not have hated her as much.

I'm so sorry this happened! And yes I agree with talking and I've learned with my child the "talk" might have to wait till later when things are calm. One time I said to my son calmly "ok let's talk about what happened" and he looked at me with this horrified look "no, no talk!!!". LOL.

The trick to not having to "punish" at all is consistency and not enabling bad behavior as a rule.

As far as I am concerned, the only acceptable punishments for children are either time outs or taking away privileges such as t.v or video games for a short time.

I completely, wholeheartedly agree to this! I don't think any other form of punishment is appropriate really.

It is easy to make a list of "punishments" in a vacuum and then use it to point fingers and use it to judge a parent you know.

I'm certainly not trying to point fingers and blame my parents (or anyone), I just want to be a better parent to my own kids when I get them.

My mother was a hitter, she had this massive wooden spoon and didnt hesitate to use it whether or not I had done what she THOUGHT I had done.

I used to receive a raising hand from my mother (no ass beatings). I used to receive a lot of cold showers from my dad. He wounded me once by accident and I started bleeding. It was my own fault he said. He also humiliated me in front of a friend a couple of times (never saw that friend again). I used to hear how I was the one who caused it. How I would never find love because of the way I acted. I never understood what I did wrong. My mother was okay I guess but I know my father has a very dark history of abuse by his own father. I just want to break this cycle of useless behavior. I want to be a positive role model.

Common sense and therapy will help with that. If you feel your parents were cruel, abusive, etc. the only place to address that and make sure it doesn't seep out in the future is therapy and to make a dedicated commitment to yourself that it's wrong and the buck stops here. Also some research/reading as to parenting and the effects of excess "discipline" will define very clearly what is harmful vs beneficial.

I don't want to make the same mistakes my parents did when I was younger.

Common sense and therapy will help with that. If you feel your parents were cruel, abusive, etc. the only place to address that and make sure it doesn't seep out in the future is therapy and to make a dedicated commitment to yourself that it's wrong and the buck stops here. Also some research/reading as to parenting and the effects of excess "discipline" will define very clearly what is harmful vs beneficial.

I understand! I'm still waiting for the therapist to call me for an intake. In the mean time I was just wondering when punishment goes too far. I appreciate this :) it's very clear to me now.

I completely, wholeheartedly agree to this! I don't think any other form of punishment is appropriate really.

 

 

I'm certainly not trying to point fingers and blame my parents (or anyone), I just want to be a better parent to my own kids when I get them.

 

 

I used to receive a raising hand from my mother (no ass beatings). I used to receive a lot of cold showers from my dad. He wounded me once by accident and I started bleeding. It was my own fault he said. He also humiliated me in front of a friend a couple of times (never saw that friend again). I used to hear how I was the one who caused it. How I would never find love because of the way I acted. I never understood what I did wrong. My mother was okay I guess but I know my father has a very dark history of abuse by his own father. I just want to break this cycle of useless behavior. I want to be a positive role model.

It's good to have those goals! You can reach those goals with effort - daily effort when you become a parent - saying it to yourself is nice and helpful but it's a miniscule part of making it happen. And yes IAMFca -huge compliment when I referenced Supernanny. And OP watch some of her shows on youtube - very insightful as far as parenting and disciplining.

watch some of her shows on youtube - very insightful as far as parenting and disciplining.

Thank you for this recommendation! I'll watch it :)