Considering homeschool for safety but nervous it will affect our relationship

I consider both my wife and I to be level-headed, as much as any parents born in the late 20th century who are raising children in the 21st century can be. Despite this, we're seriously considering pulling our oldest son out of school in response to the school shooting crisis, and it's led to a discussion around homeschooling that has me worried about our relationship.

I'm struggling with the fact that we have differing approaches to keeping our son safe. My wife is advocating for homeschooling him. She has lots of good reasons, many of which I agree with, but quite frankly we both have college debt, and being a dual-income household allows us to do things like go on vacations that would be tough if I was the only one working. (She makes better money than I do, but hasn't asked me to be the one who stays home.)

In order to try to reach a compromise, we've discussed bulletproof backpacks and some other stuff. I'm not sold on sending an eight-year-old to school with a bulletproof backpack... It covers half of your body and apparently doesn't really work against the type of weapons that mass shooters are using, but I digress. We thought about something like a coverme-seat but aren't sure his school would let him keep it at his desk.

Obviously if my wife decides she's going to quit her job and homeschool our kid, I will be supportive, but I LIKE the fact that I can talk to my wife about all the drama, politics, stress, etc. of working in an office. After our son, and whether to plant cherry tomatoes or grape, our office jobs are probably the main thing we talk about. Being married to someone who probably more adept than myself in navigating the world of work makes me happy. Should I be concerned that we'll lose that connection if she stays at home?

I feel a bit neurotic about all of this, not the least of which is that this whole thing has been provoked by the fact that we're concerned for our son's safety, and we probably shouldn't be. Thanks in advance for the input.

To me it seems like an overreaction but that is just me. If you both have concerns there will be a shooting at your sons school and it affects your life to the point that you want to keep him at home all the time then looking at other avenues is a good idea.

Instead of putting all your eggs in one basket right off the bat you should look into other options and also find out how difficult it can be to home school a child when they get older. There are online schools, charter schools, private schools and magnet schools.

This is a big decision so take a little time to do some research so you make your choice from a place of facts, not hysteria from news footage and pundits online.

Anything can happen anywhere so just pulling your child from school will not protect him completely from the world. My son is disabled and just graduated from high school and I am so happy he had that challenge and social interaction. He is a well rounded young man that can handle many of the ups and downs he will be facing as he starts his second week of college.

There is a risk in anything and of course you and your wife need to do what you feel is best but it will not be easy and eventually he will need to attend college. Maybe you could meet with the principal at your sons school to see what kind of security precautions they have in place. Many schools have refit doors, trained their teachers and have special drills to prevent what has become an all to often tragedy. Once you have all the facts and have mapped out the budget and finances for the next 8 years you both can make a decision that you all can live with.

Remember school offers much more than just knowledge. Friendships, social interactions, challenges, leadership opportunities, self reliance and being part of something much bigger than ones self.

Good luck

Lost

I consider both my wife and I to be level-headed, as much as any parents born in the late 20th century who are raising children in the 21st century can be. Despite this, we're seriously considering pulling our oldest son out of school in response to the school shooting crisis, and it's led to a discussion around homeschooling that has me worried about our relationship.

 

I'm struggling with the fact that we have differing approaches to keeping our son safe. My wife is advocating for homeschooling him. She has lots of good reasons, many of which I agree with, but quite frankly we both have college debt, and being a dual-income household allows us to do things like go on vacations that would be tough if I was the only one working. (She makes better money than I do, but hasn't asked me to be the one who stays home.)

 

In order to try to reach a compromise, we've discussed bulletproof backpacks and some other stuff. I'm not sold on sending an eight-year-old to school with a bulletproof backpack... It covers half of your body and apparently doesn't really work against the type of weapons that mass shooters are using, but I digress. We thought about something like a coverme-seat but aren't sure his school would let him keep it at his desk.

 

Obviously if my wife decides she's going to quit her job and homeschool our kid, I will be supportive, but I LIKE the fact that I can talk to my wife about all the drama, politics, stress, etc. of working in an office. After our son, and whether to plant cherry tomatoes or grape, our office jobs are probably the main thing we talk about. Being married to someone who probably more adept than myself in navigating the world of work makes me happy. Should I be concerned that we'll lose that connection if she stays at home?

 

I feel a bit neurotic about all of this, not the least of which is that this whole thing has been provoked by the fact that we're concerned for our son's safety, and we probably shouldn't be. Thanks in advance for the input.

You can shelter your child all you want but you won't save him from evil if the evil really wants to get him. The things that you see on the news could happen anywhere and not just schools. Clubs and churches come to mind recently. Of course I say this as to as if you guys never talked about the pro's and the con's of education it self that he would be getting.

Meaning if it is within your belief that home schooling is better for his education or his learning style plus the added safety that you think you are providing then I see that as a more reasonable train of thought to make a decision on. If it is concerned with only his safety than I think you both should think some more.

As for the relationship between the both of you "if" you decide to do this, I don't think many people can give you an answer that you might be pleased. I am not sure if you are looking for reassurance right now but to expect someone to say "no, everything will be okay long as you work on the relationship and love each other" is pretty far fetched when we do not understand all the dynamics of your relationship and your discussion in the matter.

Sheltering your child doesn’t save them. They go out into the world sometime. I am around children all the time in a professional capacity and I can completely tell the difference between children who have gone to school with other children and homeschooled kids . Kids need interaction with people of their own age . Period.

The helicopter parenting trend seems to do more harm than good. Has anyone talked to your son about this? If he feels babied or resents losing all his friends and school based interests you are doing more harm than good.

I'm with lostandhurt on this. Particularly these points:

To me it seems like an overreaction but that is just me.

Remember school offers much more than just knowledge. Friendships, social interactions, challenges, leadership opportunities, self reliance and being part of something much bigger than ones self.

Sheltering your child doesn’t save them. They go out into the world sometime. I am around children all the time in a professional capacity and I can completely tell the difference between children who have gone to school with other children and homeschooled kids . Kids need interaction with people of their own age . Period.

I do agree with this. I think that homeschooling can do your kids a disservice as far as social interactions. Going to school will help your kids learn valuable social skills (and in addition to helping you pay off your debts and have vacations).

IMHO, you can never protect your child completely from the world, no matter how hard you try. I know that school shootings are always in the news, but so are shootings at the movies, at church, at gaming conventions, etc.... anywhere there are people. Also, car accidents happen everyday, I'm sure you know people who have been killed in car accidents, are you going to stop driving your child around too? Even if you do your best to protect your child as a parent, they may come down with a childhood cancer or other serious illness. You just can't shield your children from the outside world forever.

If it makes you feel better to buy a bulletproof backpack, then do that, but I would also direct efforts to joining lobby groups to helping keep schools safe and guns out of schools. Ultimately, life is a risk and we all die someday, so we just have to enjoy the time we have on earth.

There are a few homeschooled kids at our centre. These kids are don’t know how to play with other kids. They are siblings as well. They have no conflict resolution skills . They want me to MAKE other kids do things their way and play with them THEIR way . They want to talk to me the entire night and do nothing thing else. They don’t want to play group games, they don’t want to do crafts. In short they don’t want do anything that’s not agreeable to them and they are severely lacking in social skills .

I can 100% understand your reaction to this...The school shootings are awful and terrifying for everyone but making decisions based on fear is never the answer... doing so always causes more problems then it solves.

However, I have the luxury of being in a society where guns are not very prevalent. But my son is Autistic and has four learning disabilities and benefitted largely from mainstream school.

And he could get hit by a bus or car walking tomorrow but he still goes out.

Homeschooling can be wonderful, but it should not be done out of the paranoia you speak of.

I have seen homeschooling work wonders for kids who were behind/in danger of being held back or kids that were adopted who were severely behind because of their past. I know someone that did just that and their kid caught up and was even ahead. Also, homeschool is NOT isolated. Many homeschooled kids participate in classes that are taught as a group by other homeschooling parents (say one of the parents in the area has a master's in math....or a coop or they go to public school for a specific class during the week and participate in sports.) The homeschooling parents i know -- 3 out of 5 were former teachers who decided who took a few years off to homeschool. But they didn't do that because of safety -- they did it because their child had a need that was not being met, the class size was enormous and their child was not thriving or they due to their careers were traveling too much for the kids to settle in one place (they had to move every year for a few years)

I think you should explore the idea of a smaller school - like a montessori or parochial or otherwise smaller class size school where everyone knows everyone before i would homeschool with no teaching experience. The likelihood for a child to die in a school shooting is so very very tiny. They are more likely to die though misadventure (doing something really dumb with motorized equipment they were not allowed to use), childhood cancer, etc, or a car accident or even the flu than they even have someone shoot at school.

They are more likely to die though misadventure (doing something really dumb with motorized equipment they were not allowed to use), childhood cancer, etc, or a car accident or even the flu than they even have someone shoot at school.

This is totally true. School shootings are very sensationalized in the media, but far more children die of the things you listed here.

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/child-flu-deaths-his-record-high-2017-2018-n881381

Every year, influenza kills between 12,000 and 49,000 people and can send more than 700,000 people to the hospital, the CDC says. Flu kills so many people and puts so many into the hospital that the CDC has stopped counting each one. For adults, mortality is estimated.

I found this quote, and what's striking to me is that the flu kills so many people that it's hard to actually get an accurate number. That's really different from the wall-to-wall news coverage whenever there is a school shooting.

It's worth investigating if there is maybe something else going on with your wife that has sparked this. Theres two parts to this: what schooling your son will receive, and your wife telling you she has a desire for you to be sole provider and for her to exit the workforce. If the focus is truly your sons safety and education, I find it quite odd there would be an assumption and no discussion about who would stay home or a mixture of both.

Honestly, I think this may be more about what your wife wants than about brainstorming the best options. Fear is a powerful lever.All options would be explored. You absolutely should share with her your feelings about her exiting the workforce. What she says will be quite revealing.

I don't have any answers for you op, but as a teacher I've seen kids come into the high school system after being home schooled in elementary and they are just fine and in some ways even more politically and socially aware than their peers.

Frankly if I lived in the US I wouldn't send my kid within two miles of a school right now

I don't have any answers for you op, but as a teacher I've seen kids come into the high school system after being home schooled in elementary and they are just fine and in some ways even more politically and socially aware than their peers.

 

Frankly if I lived in the US I wouldn't send my kid within two miles of a school right now

The homeschool kids i know are well adjusted because they are existing in the adult world more. At the store, they practice giving the cashier exact change, or there is a parent who goes to the same cashier so the child can give the cashier a larger bill and guess what the change should be and the cashier says yes or no, etc (they only do this with one cashier because they know the drill). I knew a kid whose parents ran a small business that was a small repair shop and the child came to the shop with the parents one day a week and half of another - gave change, talked to people (it was a business where only a handful of people would come in on any given day), and when the kid was 20 he not only was in college but had opened up a small business of his own in one little corner of the parents' business. They have to learn how to interact with adults -- which makes them better adults.

The downfall of regular schools is that you learn manners and social interaction from people with bad manners and immature social interaction - other kids! I am not saying everyone should homeschool -- but the homeschooled kid who can't interact is the anomaly or is not that way due to homeschool but for other reasons and they would be the quiet kid in public school as well.

Obviously if my wife decides she's going to quit her job and homeschool our kid, I will be supportive, but I LIKE the fact that I can talk to my wife about all the drama, politics, stress, etc. of working in an office. After our son, and whether to plant cherry tomatoes or grape, our office jobs are probably the main thing we talk about. Being married to someone who probably more adept than myself in navigating the world of work makes me happy. Should I be concerned that we'll lose that connection if she stays at home?

I know we all kind of skipped over this, but this sounds like another concern maybe. It sounds like you like bouncing ideas off of her and are afraid that conversation will become boring if she's homeschooling. You know her better than we do, so maybe this would happen?

https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/school-shootings-are-extraordinarily-rare-why-is-fear-of-them-driving-policy/2018/03/08/f4ead9f2-2247-11e8-94da-ebf9d112159c_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.b99f5766422e

School shootings are rare, but why is fear of them driving policy? This is a good read

 

Frankly if I lived in the US I wouldn't send my kid within two miles of a school right now

I think it's overblown media hysterics. Not that school shootings aren't scary, but statistically, there are far more dangerous things, including driving to school or taking the bus to school. Sadly, there is very much a gun culture in the US, but as you see, there have been shootings everywhere (movies, churches, whatever...) and you can't lock yourself up inside all day.

Frankly if I lived in the US I wouldn't send my kid within two miles of a school right now

That’s like me saying I’ll never visit UK or France because of my fear of some Zelot mowing me down in a truck or a van or going on a stabbing spree. Or that I would never allow my child around dogs because more people have died from dog attacks than a fatal gunshot wound (I’m serious, look up the statistics).

I get it, OP. I get the fear and as a new parent, I’ve even debated if I should send my child to either public or private school. One of the school shootings that hit the news this year occurred 20 minutes away from my home, and it affected my decision on where to buy a house because I did not want my daughter to attend school in that district.

Please know that school shootings happen rarely. Teachers are regularly trained in handling crisis situations every year. Most schools have up their security. Have you toured a school where your child would enroll at? As far as bullet resistant backpacks, not every school allows kids to bring it with them to class and instructs them to keep it in their lockers (especially during standardize testing). Homeschool is ultimately your choice as long as you and your spouse know what you’re doing.

I think it's overblown media hysterics. Not that school shootings aren't scary, but statistically, there are far more dangerous things, including driving to school or taking the bus to school. Sadly, there is very much a gun culture in the US, but as you see, there have been shootings everywhere (movies, churches, whatever...) and you can't lock yourself up inside all day.

Do you know how many school shootings there have been in Canada since 1975? About 8. And only one of them was dubbed "a massacre" (meaning that more than 1 person was killed).

People can say that this is being overblown by the media all they want, but living in Canada I am not afraid to send my child to school. I am not afraid to be teaching in a school. I am not afraid to go to a mall, a movie theatre, a church, etc. We have had our issues with terror, but they are few and far between. It's an epidemic in the US. And yeah I stand by my comment of not allowing my child anywhere near a school in the US.

I have a two year old. And my job as a parent is to protect her. And yeah any place that values guns over human lives is a place I wouldn't feel safe to be.

I don't blame the OP one iota for being afraid to send his child to school. I also wouldn't blame them for choosing to home school.

I think it is a good idea to look into curriculum materials and see what is available.

I think in some instances homeschooling can be helpful for certain children. We've heard nothing about the needs of the child though, only the needs and fears of the parents.

A few homeschooled kids joined my class for final year(s). They had been very isolated, had not received the same level of education, and did not adjust well at all. These parents had made the home their world, and it was very sad- particularly when one of classmates lost his father.

Also, I have two cousins who have grown up in this way. They struggle so much as adults.

I'm not saying all homeschooling is bad, nor alternate education. But when the aim is to isolate and to calm a parents fears, it can be terrible.