Making Sense of It All

Not really sure if I am asking for advice or what, just wanted to share. I am reflecting on what happened after 5 months since this break up.

So I ended the relationship because I felt pressure, he was counting the months, writing things on social media, talking about moving in etc. and I felt well trapped for want of a better word, I just wasn't sure and ended it as a knee jerk reaction.

I felt a great deal of guilt because he was a nice guy, he treated me like a queen. I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted to get to know him slowly but he was in a rush.

I felt and still feel a great need to really explain to him my feelings and why I ended it. I tried a month after and got a great deal of abuse in return so left it 5 months.

He got in touch this month and again I felt the need to try and explain, thinking he would be more receptive but no.

He has a very simple version of events which is what he tells everyone 'She was a commitment phobe, I gave her everything she could have wanted and she threw it back in my face' 'Woe is me, I'm so lonely, she has ruined my life'

The reality is very different in my eyes. He was clingy and put pressure on the whole relationship. I'd come from a history of bad relationships and I was never going to commit so readily without some release of the fear I experience when someone is actually serious about me. I've had a history of being with men who never committed to anything so having someone like this was actually quite scarey for me.

I also feel that he doesn't want to even try to understand my view, he likes his victimhood because he gets sympathy of people.

I'm left feeling completely unheard, no body knows my side of the story.

People who dump people if they are decent people feel all sorts of emotions and they deserve support too.

It takes a lot of strength to leave a relationship when the person is nice but you just don't 'feel it'. and it is kinder that you do than hang on just to be nice.

The hardest thing of all has been accepting that no one will hear my side of things, that I will always be viewed as a by some for dumping such a nice guy and that he will never understand.

I wouldn't try to communicate with him anymore or try to explain yourself anymore. It's his responsibility that he gave so much so soon. It's his problem if he feels resentment about that. We can't control how others feel about us or the speed they open up, so him demanding you to be on the same level of "so fast so soon" as him is immature. And many "nice girls"/"nice guys" turn into nasty and even abusive people because they demand give and give without paying attention to how their partner reacts and then feel resentment. You've already explained. Now let him deal and process that far away from you. And people who think that you "dumped a nice guy" and are awful were never your friends in the first place or they'd also take into account your version of the story.

Thanks Annia

I can relate to this, as can many, I'm sure.

What helped me is remembering the simple and sad truth—that if you were able to share a story you'd still be together. His reaction, in a sense, just mirrors why it didn't work for you.

Your truth is your truth, and his is his.

Not really sure if I am asking for advice or what, just wanted to share. I am reflecting on what happened after 5 months since this break up.

 

So I ended the relationship because I felt pressure, he was counting the months, writing things on social media, talking about moving in etc. and I felt well trapped for want of a better word, I just wasn't sure and ended it as a knee jerk reaction.

 

I felt a great deal of guilt because he was a nice guy, he treated me like a queen. I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted to get to know him slowly but he was in a rush.

 

I felt and still feel a great need to really explain to him my feelings and why I ended it. I tried a month after and got a great deal of abuse in return so left it 5 months.

 

He got in touch this month and again I felt the need to try and explain, thinking he would be more receptive but no.

 

He has a very simple version of events which is what he tells everyone 'She was a commitment phobe, I gave her everything she could have wanted and she threw it back in my face' 'Woe is me, I'm so lonely, she has ruined my life'

 

The reality is very different in my eyes. He was clingy and put pressure on the whole relationship. I'd come from a history of bad relationships and I was never going to commit so readily without some release of the fear I experience when someone is actually serious about me. I've had a history of being with men who never committed to anything so having someone like this was actually quite scarey for me.

 

 

I also feel that he doesn't want to even try to understand my view, he likes his victimhood because he gets sympathy of people.

 

I'm left feeling completely unheard, no body knows my side of the story.

 

People who dump people if they are decent people feel all sorts of emotions and they deserve support too.

 

It takes a lot of strength to leave a relationship when the person is nice but you just don't 'feel it'. and it is kinder that you do than hang on just to be nice.

 

The hardest thing of all has been accepting that no one will hear my side of things, that I will always be viewed as a by some for dumping such a nice guy and that he will never understand.

This all makes perfect sense. You probably just lost attraction for him because he was needy and clingy. It's kind of engrained in our DNA that men need to be manly and lead in a relationship. So what I would ask is how was your relationship dynamic? What were YOUR issues and what are you doing to improve at this point?

What was the root cause of you attracting those men before and why a clingy needy man now? You see, it's all about you. Attraction is an odd thing. You attract what you need to grow, which is why I almost 100 percent of the time tell people that have broken up to move on and grow.

I feel your statement about a dumper feeling bad is true and that is ok too. It is healthy to grieve relationships. The guy you describe seems to be codependent. There is a point that being "nice and doing everything for someone" becomes unhealthy. He will figure this out the hard way. He will keep going through the same relationship cycle until he learns what his issues are most likely. Do you have any issues from your past (abuse/addiction)? It's common for someone like him to want to help someone to validate who he is and his sense of self worth.

I would encourage you at this time to figure some of the above out. The only thing I could have seen you do different is set a boundary and tell him. This is odd to me... we need to slow down now, or I'm not staying in this relationship. His behavior if deep rooted probably would have continued. I'm not into overanalyzing people... but successful relationships are usually ones that you can grow together in as well. That's what life is all about...

You made the right decision. Moving in at 5 months is way too soon.

I would cut all contact with this guy. Block him.

I also feel that he doesn't want to even try to understand my view, he likes his victimhood because he gets sympathy of people.

The relationship is over. It's not important that he understands your point of view. Just tell people it didn't work out. When they hear his whining and carrying on, people will understand why it's over.

A "nice" guy is not nice until he feels nice to you. Just because something look good on paper or on social media or in the eyes of others doesn't mean it's right for you. I feel like we forget that a lot of times. Move on, you don't have to explain yourself, and I hope you somebody who's better for you.

Lucky you for recognizing he was taking up all the oxygen in the room. Better to leave than suffocate. And people will either listen or they won't. You don't have to offer them a reason. If they want to know, they'll ask. It's important that you tell your story without placing blame, but explaining your feelings, which are always right.

Great advice, thank you everyone it really helped.

It would be best to block and delete him completely. Your instincts are correct that something was amiss. Much of what you mention are red flags of a potential abuser including quick involvement, possessiveness, lack of boundaries, princess treatment, nice guy act, etc. quickly devolving into blame, guilt, pity parties, etc.

Read up on it. Stop explaining and playing into his manipulation. Cut him out completely and learn all the warning signs of abusers, sociopaths, etc.

I felt pressure, he was counting the months, writing things on social media, talking about moving in etc. and I felt well trapped. I felt a great deal of guilt because he was a nice guy, he treated me like a queen. I just wasn't feeling it. 'She was a commitment phobe, I gave her everything she could have wanted and she threw it back in my face' 'Woe is me, I'm so lonely, she has ruined my life' . he likes his victimhood because he gets sympathy of people.

The hardest thing of all has been accepting that no one will hear my side of things, that I will always be viewed as a by some for dumping such a nice guy and that he will never understand.

Skip that stuff. You're making this harder on yourself than it needs to be.

There are no judges in juries in our love lives. Nobody else is living our love life FOR us, so nobody else gets a vote.

Few (if any) people care a fraction of the degree we believe they do about our breakups.

Perfectly 'nice' people get broken up with all the time. When someone isn't right for us, they aren't right for us. That's not abusive or cruel, it's not even a reflection on them. Most people are simply NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just the odds.

Finding good friends who 'get us' and synch with us is hard enough, and we're able to respect the limits of friends to form different kinds and degrees of friendships that meet different needs. But given monogamy, our choice of a lover is narrowed to ONE person. If it's not the RIGHT person, then that's a sentence to Hell on Earth--for the duration.

We don't 'owe' anyone that sentence. Dating is a level playing field with each of us operating in our own best interests to screen OUT wrong matches until we find the right one. Think of singles as carrying a puzzle piece that we hold up to others to see if they fit. A non-match doesn't speak badly of either person, but any attempts to force a fit will harm the outcome of the whole puzzle and benefit NObody.

Breakups feel lousy for both people and they require no defense. Anyone who would listen to Mr. Manipulator badmouth you isn't bright enough for you to care about what they think anyway. His behavior only strengthens your case for the right decision, and it's not your job to force his approval of that choice.

Head high.

 

Finding good friends who 'get us' and synch with us is hard enough, and we're able to respect the limits of friends to form different kinds and degrees of friendships that meet different needs. But given monogamy, our choice of a lover is narrowed to ONE person. If it's not the RIGHT person, then that's a sentence to Hell on Earth--for the duration.

 

We don't 'owe' anyone that sentence. Dating is a level playing field with each of us operating in our own best interests to screen OUT wrong matches until we find the right one. Think of singles as carrying a puzzle piece that we hold up to others to see if they fit. A non-match doesn't speak badly of either person, but any attempts to force a fit will harm the outcome of the whole puzzle and benefit NObody.

 

Wow. Thank you for this post. Coming out of a situation similar to the OP's with genders reversed. I've been feeling that same guilt, like I should have held on longer and "powered through" the anxiety telling me it wasn't right. There are so many stories of people doing truly awful things to each other that I've been struggling to justify "wasn't right" as a good enough answer.

Of course every set of circumstance is going to be different, but this is truly helpful.

Wow. Thank you for this post. Coming out of a situation similar to the OP's with genders reversed. I've been feeling that same guilt, like I should have held on longer and "powered through" the anxiety telling me it wasn't right. There are so many stories of people doing truly awful things to each other that I've been struggling to justify "wasn't right" as a good enough answer.

 

Of course every set of circumstance is going to be different, but this is truly helpful.

Glad to hear this. Nobody need to be a villain in order to be the wrong fit for you. It makes no sense to power through a bad match ... in order to what? Stuff regrets and dread a miserable future? Set them up to make a wrong choice or behave less than ideally in order to justify an exit? Mistreat them so they'll be the one who initiates a breakup?

The only way out of a not-so-great match is self honesty.