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Are age gaps the last taboo?


jakesv

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There was a time when inter-racial relationships were taboo: "That's disgusting!" "It's against nature!" "Eww, gross!!"

 

But now, no one really cares.

 

Then later it was same-sex relationships that were taboo: "That's disgusting!" "It's against nature!" "Eww, gross!!"

 

And now, in 2018, same-sex couples can (mostly) live in peace without constant judgement.

 

But age-gap relationships are still taboo: "That's disgusting!" "It's against nature!" "Eww, gross!!" ... is still the acceptable reaction from all corners of society, especially from older women who seem particularly offended.

 

I am in an age-gap relationship and my girlfriend (in her 20s) feels constantly stared-at when we are in public together. She has a hard time with it. And it's not realistic to tell her to "just stop caring" because of course girls have a ton of pressure on them to conform to societal expectations and win approval.

 

I read an article that said that couples in age-gap relationships often reported higher levels of happiness than same-age couples, but that age-gap relationships were less durable because of society's disapprobation. In other words, we want to be happy but other people won't stand for it.

 

My girlfriend just wants to move to a desert island where people find us acceptable. Of course that won't happen, and eventually we'll break up because her parents will never accept me.

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Not sure where you heard that age gap couples were more happy. Age gap have a much more difficult time due to the fact that they are not in the same place in life. There is different wants, needs and understandings.

It might not be a problem initially, but it will catch up to you and it will become a problem.

It seems that the more a couple ages, the younger one will feel more resent for missing out on life and feeling dragged down by the older partner.

It happens nearly 100/100.

 

Is it disgusting? Depends on who you ask. It's not exactly ideal and the older partner can definitely look like they are taking advantage of the younger. Which is no doubt why her parents will never accept you.

When you start to get into an age gap where the older could be the younger partners parent, then that is something that would leave a distaste in anyone's mouth. It again looks wrong.

 

The chances of this type of relationship working out long term is not great. There are many factors working against the relationship that is far beyond what society thinks.

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Take this article, for example, reporting that age-gap couples often report higher degrees of happiness

 

https://theconversation.com/mind-the-gap-does-age-difference-in-relationships-matter-94132

 

My girlfriend and I spend a lot of time traveling, going rockclimbing (my main sport, which I spend a lot of time at), dining out, watching Netflix (more her thing than mine), spending time with friends, and just talking about anything/everything. We've been together about a year now, and I've never gotten along with anyone so well before. It's maybe my 10th relationship in my lifetime and the first time I've had a large age gap with someone. I wish I'd met someone like her when I was 25... she's going to make a great wife to someone some day.

 

But at least I get to have some time with this amazing person for a few years now... grateful for that

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It's an interesting article, mind you it's sounds more like a theory rather than reality. In my lifetime I have yet to see an age gap relationship that turned out to be good in long term.

It seems to have an expiration date.

 

People age, there is no stopping that. The younger will eventually tire of the older and the older will have more issues along the way.

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I'm 42 and the "half your age plus 7" rule means she has to be at least 28. But she's 25. She said her parents would think I was too old even at 35 and I'm well beyond that. So yeah... game over.

 

Larry Ellison is married to a 20-something and he's 73. But he's a billionaire. For some reason, billionaires and movie stars get to be an exception to the "EWWW" rule. Why?

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I'm 42 and the "half your age plus 7" rule means she has to be at least 28. But she's 25. She said her parents would think I was too old even at 35 and I'm well beyond that. So yeah... game over.

 

Larry Ellison is married to a 20-something and he's 73. But he's a billionaire. For some reason, billionaires and movie stars get to be an exception to the "EWWW" rule. Why?

Nope, no exception. Still a gold digger and an old geizer. She wants money and he wants to relive his youth .

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Major incompatibilities in relationships happen when one party goes through a major change that the other party can't or won't be able to follow. One person moves and the other one doesn't. One drug addict recovers and the other stays addicted. (Or someone gets a new vice the other doesn't). There is a tragedy and it changes each member in very different ways. All of these can happen to any relationship. Age gaps add an extra one, in that you increase the amount of these kinds of transitions the relationship must weather. One person is still into clubbing or going out often, while the other grows out of it and wants to settle down.

 

I am not making a judgement on YOUR relationship, but the other issue is that there is such a power imbalance, that these types of relationships are more likely to be abusive.

 

It is for these two reasons that I don't think it is the same as the other taboos you mentioned. On the other hand, the social makeup of society can have an effect on even these. If the economy were flatter, putting older and younger members of society pretty even in terms of wealth, say, some system where younger members are given a significant allowance, and older members are heavily taxed, that would lessen the chance for those power imbalances that enable abuse. Similarly, medical or health/nutrition improvements can push back those ages where energy drops, enabling those later transitions to happen further on.

 

Or, you know. If life expectancy drops, and having as many babies as possible becomes the most important part of relationships again, then you will see this taboo go away. Because the values are different.

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Larry Ellison is married to a 20-something and he's 73. But he's a billionaire. For some reason, billionaires and movie stars get to be an exception to the "EWWW" rule. Why?

I'm not sure where you get that from because believe me, 73 and 20 is very very very high on the EWWWW scale! Ugh.

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she's going to make a great wife to someone some day.

 

But at least I get to have some time with this amazing person for a few years now...

I find this very interesting. Is she aware that your plans are to spend some years with her (if it works out) and then break up? Is she just some eye-candy for you to parade around? Just curious.......

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Funny that you describe this as the last taboo. Speaking in broad brushstrokes here, men have been dating younger for...well, for just about forever. I don't think people really care about it in the way they once shunned homosexuality or inter-racial romance, but maybe the eyebrow that was always raised internally is now just less hidden.

 

Perhaps some of the friction you're describing is the result of society becoming more equal—not perfect, by any means, but a far cry from the 1950s when a lot of proto-male bs wasn't called out. Today it's different. So when you have, say, a certain type of man (30s/40s, decent looking, successful, into his own hobbies, etc.) dating someone in, say, her mid-20s (likely attractive, but still very much coming into her own) it's hard not to make some unsavory assumptions about the dynamic. The man gets judged a bit for not having the confidence to date an equal, and the woman gets judged a bit for dating a dude who doesn't want to date an equal.

 

Curious: Does your gf feel "stared at" primarily by men or women?

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25-42, hmmm, well what would make that difficult is that she has yet to have many life experiences and you have had far more.

 

I also think that if you ever brought children into the situation that there would be problems as well as you will be aging much faster than their mother.

 

Normally in your situation what I have personally witnessed, is that the 25 year old will eventually find a man her age whom she finds attractive and then she will wonder why she is with you. She could potentially get bored and will want more experiences with people her own age.

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I find this very interesting. Is she aware that your plans are to spend some years with her (if it works out) and then break up? Is she just some eye-candy for you to parade around? Just curious.......

 

This is interesting.

 

I've tended to date younger. When I was 31 she 25; when I was 35 she was 23. A lot of fun was had, and there were a lot of commonalities. Still, I think on a subconscious level I was choosing people where I knew there was a shelf-life, as it sounds like you are. I was ready to be a good boyfriend, but not quite a partner. Still had some growing up to do of my own. Now that I'm more interested in partnership, it's hard for me to imagine dating someone under 30.

 

How do you think your gf of a year would feel if she read what you just wrote?

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That tends to be the under lying issues though, no? Older man not ready for anything serious so he chooses a younger woman to have fun with? Or he doesn't choose a woman his age because he's not matured enough to handle that.

 

Again, I realize it sounds like generalizations, however there are some truths to it.

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25/42 isn't horrible. I mean, at least she has been a legal adult for 7 years. Presumably has some kind of settled career? And if you're a younger-looking, athletic 42, it isn't that bad. 20 year old and a billionaire 72 year old is pretty gross. You know that she didn't marry him because she loves having wild sex with him (sorry for being so graphic!!) She's basically like an escort he's renting until he dies and then leaves her all his money.

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That tends to be the under lying issues though, no? Older man not ready for anything serious so he chooses a younger woman to have fun with? Or he doesn't choose a woman his age because he's not matured enough to handle that.

 

Again, I realize it sounds like generalizations, however there are some truths to it.

 

I would say yes, nearly 100 percent of the time (in generalization-speak). And I'm happy to call myself out in that.

 

It can be "fun" to be the one to call the shots, to have only your best, most heroic self (because it's simply hard for a 25 year old to grasp the struggles that make, say, a 42 year old vulnerable). But that's where you get into a misaligned power dynamic. It also gets kind of old.

 

It's telling, maybe, that when OP describes what makes this so fun is that his favorite activity (rock climbing) is shared. And, hey, she's probably enjoying being with someone who can show her new things: climbing, meals, trips. But she brings to the table...Netflix? I'd wager she's also super cool, sweet, chill—a lot of adjectives men use when describing younger women, though of course there are super cool, sweet, and chill women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s.

 

As time passes what she'll bring to the table is likely things learned in this relationship—things she can only authenticate as her own (maybe) once the relationship ended. That's generally the friction point.

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You're hilarious! And who doesn't love a perky boob? Or, even better, two of them!

 

Oh, I didn't mean to imply that 25 year olds have nothing to offer, and I'm sure OP's gf is fantastic. I'd like to think I had plenty to offer at 25: solid career, I'd written a book and movie, had traveled plenty. But I was also pretty insecure in a way that is almost inescapable in your 20s. Hell, I was probably working through that insecurity in my 30s by...dating women in their mid 20s. Insert eye roll, chin scratching emoji.

 

And while I think I saw a lot more than the perkiness—I swear I did!—in retrospect I can see that I enjoyed being the one who kind of set the table, so to speak.

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I would shrug at 25 and 42. I don’t care. The young person is mentally an adult.

 

I agree with you S. I have a friend who is 30 who's been struggling for years to find a man to connect with in the way she needs and desires and has finally found him, he's 50!

 

So that's 20 years, but I swear when you see them together, they just fit so well and look so happy together, no one bats an eye.

 

Oh she's told me she gets the occasional stares and catty remarks from older women but she lets it roll off her back.

 

Yes they are a generation apart, but instead of looking at it as a negative, they learn from each other.

 

It's actually quite fuuny; I recall when he first began pursuing her, he would actually call her as opposed to text her as the guys her age or close to always did.

 

When he first called her, she thought he had "butt dialed" her, it was hilarious! She even asked him if he butt dialed her. HE, being 50, didn't even know what "butt dialing" meant! Stuff like that, it was and still is very cute.

 

She told me she LOVED that he actually called her, and pursued her in a way the guys her age never did. He also did and does other things that surprise her (in a good way), and vice versa!

 

So OP I say enjoy it and don't allow the stigma to negatively affect you or your RL. And your gf to do the same.

 

What others think doesn't mean a hill of beans, it's YOUR relationship, have the time of your life, learn from each other, have fun and grow.

 

It may last another week, month, year, five years, 20 years, forever, who the hell knows. Which is true in any RL, even ones with no large age gap.

 

JMO.

 

And just for the record, SHE calls many of the shots in the RL, not just him. And he has $$$ too, and although it's nice, she doesn't give a rat's rear end about that, which is clear to anyone who witnesses them together.

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I wish I'd met someone like her when I was 25... she's going to make a great wife to someone some day.

 

So you're acknowledging that she'll make a great wife to someone else some day?

 

This is your girlfriend you're talking about, the relationship you've spent 3 pages defending, talking about how happy you are?

 

Why are you already planning for her to marry "someone else"?

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