Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hi all,

 

It's been pretty much a year since I last saw my ex. I have taken this year to do some deep internal searching and focusing on myself. As I have said in previous posts, I had a particularly difficult upbringing and I realized after this break up I've never really confronted a lot of the traumas I've been through or even taken the time to think about how they might have affected me as a person. I never realized the pattern in my choosing guys that are unavailable and uncommunicative, much like my father, and giving way too much of myself when I know better.

 

I also never realized how much I need to learn to love myself, which brings me to this forum again after months. I completely took a break from guys, I kissed a guy at a party in January but other than that it's been a solid year with no dating. I have a guy that just started at my job who I find really attractive and he singled me out from my other coworkers to ask to hang out sometime and got my number. I really don't want to date a coworker bc I feel it's not very professional, but while I was driving I was thinking about dating him just as a hypothetical scenario and I felt this weird feeling that I couldn't put my finger on.

 

It was a mix of finding him attractive but also feeling so unmotivated to even pursue anything, with anyone not just him. The strange part is that I've been starting to feel kind of lonely these past couple months and have been thinking about maybe dating if the opportunity ever presented itself. I realized the feelings I felt were discouragement from being hurt in the past and insecurity also from being hurt but mainly from not understanding what he sees in me. And I find it so exhausting and kind of obnoxious to feel this way and so contradicting from what I want which is to eventually find healthy love.

 

I don't feel like it's that I still have feelings for my ex, it's that I need confidence in myself and I wish I could break down this great wall of China I've been building since the age of 3. I know the obvious is therapy, which I just got new insurance so I'm going to ask for a referral. I also go to church so that helps me a lot but it's only once a week. I just want to know if anyone has suggestions for loving yourself on a day to day basis and forgiving yourself for allowing yourself to get hurt in the past.

 

Thanks!

Link to comment

This post in itself is an act of self-love, so you're on the right track. Also, therapy! Good to see you're taking that step.

 

My last breakup drudged up a lot of long-ignored skeletons, to the point where I thought I'd collapse under their weight in the early months following the split. But a year of therapy did wonders for me in learning to understand them, live with them, and even love them—rather than, you know, running from them and hoping they'd magically dissolve inside the affection of and for another. The very things I used to hide, without quite realizing it, are now the things I want seen, accepted, and loved by others.

 

Obvious as it sounds, try taking small steps to just be kind to yourself. Maybe that means taking a nap when you're tired. Or treating yourself to a massage. A hobby or two that does nothing but make you smile and feel good. Yoga, for me, has been invaluable over the past 6 years in cultivating self-care. In time, those small gestures expand into something more: confidence, joy, a giddiness triggered simply by being you, flaws and all.

 

It's especially critical to make these gestures when you find yourself drifting into a self-critical mode. Important as all that internal searching is, it's easy to feel like we're under are own microscope as opposed to, say, being embraced by our own soft hands (as we'd like to be embraced by another). Reflection, good; judgement, not so good. The goal of self-knowledge isn't shame, but acceptance.

 

Because the truth is that we're really only capable of loving another as fully as we love ourselves, just as we can only be seen by another to the extent that we see ourselves. Sometimes we may overcompensate with others, or find ourselves attracted to people who are unavailable, as a subconscious way of reinforcing our own lack of self-worth and self-love—something it sounds like you can maybe relate to.

 

Life, from one angle, is all about pain, suffering, and being hurt. In childhood. In adulthood. If you can start accepting that, rather than fighting it, the pain lessens, becomes one in the same with all the pleasures and something you fear less.

Link to comment

I went through something similar and while you are grieving the ending of relationship, at the same time you are grieving the new found revelations of what you went through as a child.

 

All I can say is be patient with yourself. It often gets more difficult before it gets better but from everything you've sharing it sounds like you are on the right path. Even if it's uncomfortable at times.

 

I like bluecastles advise. There isn't much more I can add to that other than a term I read that resonated with me. -`Date yourself'

 

Imagine all that you would want to offer to a partner and do those things for yourself first. At first it felt awkward but I learned to do nice things for myself and acknowledge them as such. I would get a massage,go out eat an early dinner with a book outside by the water and then end the evening with a movie.

 

Naturally spending time with same sex friends feeds your soul.

You'll get there, just be patient.

 

I am in a relationship now and I often miss those times alone. I got pretty good at it.

You can too.

 

And . .what the side benefit from having done so, is you become more disconcerting about your choices in partners. Your life is full and being single becomes comfortable. You aren't so quick to give that up. Certainly not to the wrong person.

 

Good luck with your journey. It's a valuable one.

Link to comment

Whew! Way too much naval gazing going on here. So much analyzing and over-thinking. You're devoting a heck of a lot of brain power to thinking about your supposed faults and insecurities. How about trying to just go with the flow for a while? Do something spur of the moment. Try to be spontaneous. Go out and try to have fun. See if this coworker even asks you out.

 

As for choosing guys who are unavailable and uncommunicative, reading back about your last boyfriend, he was just plain abusive. The first time you have an argument with a guy, that should be a sign he may be emotionally abusive. Stay away from people who are angry, controlling and manipulative. You need to find a happy, stable guy, but to do that, you have to become happy and stable too.

 

But I would start by urging you to think about things other than your own problems. Think about the universe. Get involved with a charity. Try to make the world a better place. Adopt a dog. Turn the music up in your car really loud and sing along. Climb a hill or Stargaze. If you stop thinking about your problems, they will go away. Try to go out and have some fun.

Link to comment
I went through something similar and while you are grieving the ending of relationship, at the same time you are grieving the new found revelations of what you went through as a child.

 

All I can say is be patient with yourself. It often gets more difficult before it gets better but from everything you've sharing it sounds like you are on the right path. Even if it's uncomfortable at times.

 

I like bluecastles advise. There isn't much more I can add to that other than a term I read that resonated with me. -`Date yourself'

 

Imagine all that you would want to offer to a partner and do those things for yourself first. At first it felt awkward but I learned to do nice things for myself and acknowledge them as such. I would get a massage,go out eat an early dinner with a book outside by the water and then end the evening with a movie.

 

Naturally spending time with same sex friends feeds your soul.

You'll get there, just be patient.

 

I am in a relationship now and I often miss those times alone. I got pretty good at it.

You can too.

 

And . .what the side benefit from having done so, is you become more disconcerting about your choices in partners. Your life is full and being single becomes comfortable. You aren't so quick to give that up. Certainly not to the wrong person.

 

Good luck with your journey. It's a valuable one.

 

Great stuff, this.

 

Someone used the "date yourself" line on me nearly a year ago, when I was deep in the spins, and I took it to heart. Rather than solely dwelling on what went wrong in my last relationship—her shortcomings, my own—I just started to pour the energy I was putting into that relationship into myself. I traveled the world, remembered how wonderful it was to spend a quiet day reading, took myself out to nice meals, the works.

 

Being single, as in alone and not dating, became really, really fun (because, well, I wasn't really alone; I was with myself, you know?).

Link to comment
This post in itself is an act of self-love, so you're on the right track. Also, therapy! Good to see you're taking that step.

 

My last breakup drudged up a lot of long-ignored skeletons, to the point where I thought I'd collapse under their weight in the early months following the split. But a year of therapy did wonders for me in learning to understand them, live with them, and even love them—rather than, you know, running from them and hoping they'd magically dissolve inside the affection of and for another. The very things I used to hide, without quite realizing it, are now the things I want seen, accepted, and loved by others.

 

Obvious as it sounds, try taking small steps to just be kind to yourself. Maybe that means taking a nap when you're tired. Or treating yourself to a massage. A hobby or two that does nothing but make you smile and feel good. Yoga, for me, has been invaluable over the past 6 years in cultivating self-care. In time, those small gestures expand into something more: confidence, joy, a giddiness triggered simply by being you, flaws and all.

 

It's especially critical to make these gestures when you find yourself drifting into a self-critical mode. Important as all that internal searching is, it's easy to feel like we're under are own microscope as opposed to, say, being embraced by our own soft hands (as we'd like to be embraced by another). Reflection, good; judgement, not so good. The goal of self-knowledge isn't shame, but acceptance.

 

Because the truth is that we're really only capable of loving another as fully as we love ourselves, just as we can only be seen by another to the extent that we see ourselves. Sometimes we may overcompensate with others, or find ourselves attracted to people who are unavailable, as a subconscious way of reinforcing our own lack of self-worth and self-love—something it sounds like you can maybe relate to.

 

Life, from one angle, is all about pain, suffering, and being hurt. In childhood. In adulthood. If you can start accepting that, rather than fighting it, the pain lessens, becomes one in the same with all the pleasures and something you fear less.

 

Ok Blue, your posts are so insightful that Ive got to know what type of therapy you did. Ive been in psychodynamic analysis for 6 months and made some discoveries but I just dont get the sense that it's quite as deep as what you speak of. Thanks for all the inspiration!

Link to comment
Ok Blue, your posts are so insightful that Ive got to know what type of therapy you did. Ive been in psychodynamic analysis for 6 months and made some discoveries but I just dont get the sense that it's quite as deep as what you speak of. Thanks for all the inspiration!

 

Thanks, buddy. I think part of it was just getting lucky with a good therapist—no real speciality, just an hour a week of untangling the threads. Another part of it was just being really, really ready to shed some husks as the big 4-0 approached.

 

I've always been something of a searcher, I guess, be it through my work (creative field), throwing myself into wild environments (foreign countries, big waves on a surfboard, twisty roads on a motorcycle), and also just digging through my own self in order to see what new rooms I can find in my head and heart.

 

I'm hardwired to love a challenge, be it physical or emotional, though perhaps in the past I'd maybe mistaken the "vulnerability" of, say, exposing myself professionally or putting myself in physical danger with the far more courageous stuff of keeping an open heart. Maybe I'd even used some of that to stay closed off to, you know, being fully loved. Who knows?!

 

My favorite thing about being alive is how right when we think we've figured it out, life delivers something to remind us that we're just amateurs, works in progress. Heartbreak, painful as it is, is often the best reminder that the real sweetness comes in the questions, not the answers.

 

Probably that doesn't answer a thing, but maybe there's something in there for your own journey. Hope all's well with you—always inspiring stuff on your end as well.

Link to comment

People are probably tired of hearing me recommend this on these boards, but look into EFT (emotional freedom technique). You can find some videos on youtube, it's very easy to learn. This has hands down been one of the best things I've ever done to heal from trauma even though it seems silly when you first do it.

Link to comment
I know the obvious is therapy, which I just got new insurance so I'm going to ask for a referral. I also go to church so that helps me a lot but it's only once a week. I just want to know if anyone has suggestions for loving yourself on a day to day basis and forgiving yourself for allowing yourself to get hurt in the past.

 

You can find a provider on your insurance web site. Call a few of them in your network and learn who has the first available appointment for an assessment.

 

Contact your church office for a referral to pastoral counseling, group counselling or a church mentor who can help you get more actively involved with your church beyond once a week.

 

You're smart to skip the idea of dating the guy from work. It's not 'just' unprofessional in the place that is your livelihood, it invites social repercussions and drama that can only make your job and your life more difficult. Why even flirt with that? Be kind to the new coworker, but don't see him outside of lunch at work, and invite other coworkers to join you. Allow your mission to become one of helping him to feel comfortable with others rather than focusing on you.

 

Self forgiveness starts with the language you use when you run your own voice in your head. Is your inner voice one of a critical judge and jury, or can you make a deliberate shift to a voice of a kind and encouraging coach?

 

All of your perceptions, and therefore your experiences, are driven by your inner self talk. You have control over this, it's just a habit like any other habit. If your default voice is harsh and judgmental, make a point of catching that, stopping it, and deciding instead what a self loving person would say to themselves at every given moment.

 

You don't need lofty affirmations, although those can be fun and interesting to explore. Instead, I've adopted simple confirmations that I say throughout the day, like, "I can do this." or, "I've got this." or, "I like this." or, "I bet I CAN like this."

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Link to comment
This post in itself is an act of self-love, so you're on the right track. Also, therapy! Good to see you're taking that step.

 

My last breakup drudged up a lot of long-ignored skeletons, to the point where I thought I'd collapse under their weight in the early months following the split. But a year of therapy did wonders for me in learning to understand them, live with them, and even love them—rather than, you know, running from them and hoping they'd magically dissolve inside the affection of and for another. The very things I used to hide, without quite realizing it, are now the things I want seen, accepted, and loved by others.

 

Obvious as it sounds, try taking small steps to just be kind to yourself. Maybe that means taking a nap when you're tired. Or treating yourself to a massage. A hobby or two that does nothing but make you smile and feel good. Yoga, for me, has been invaluable over the past 6 years in cultivating self-care. In time, those small gestures expand into something more: confidence, joy, a giddiness triggered simply by being you, flaws and all.

 

It's especially critical to make these gestures when you find yourself drifting into a self-critical mode. Important as all that internal searching is, it's easy to feel like we're under are own microscope as opposed to, say, being embraced by our own soft hands (as we'd like to be embraced by another). Reflection, good; judgement, not so good. The goal of self-knowledge isn't shame, but acceptance.

 

Thank you so much for this, you are very insightful! All of you are! You all gave me something to really think about which is how critical my internal voice is. I tend to overanalyze every little action I do that I feel may have been embarrassing or stupid then berate myself for it. I like the idea to just stop those thoughts in their tracks and uplift myself instead. I don't find daily affirmations and things like that helpful so this is an easy change I can make.

 

I'm planning on seeing my PCP next week so they will help me find a therapist I like hopefully. I tried joining a group at my church that was especially for women going struggling with anything, but I feel like I just wasn't ready then to confront anything.

 

As far as being spontaneous and ignoring my problems I have done that for the majority of my adulthood and that has proven to be unproductive, for me at least. All of the introspection I've finally given myself permission to do has actually helped me grow a lot. I started going out and doing all the things I love a few months ago and it was hard and empty at first but I'm starting to feel like my old self again, though it can still feel empty at times. I'm only 24 though and I just feel like I'm broken still, which is why I posted seeing if anyone can possibly relate so I can nip this in the bud finally. But thank you everyone ❤ I screenshotted your posts for when I need encouragement.

Link to comment
You all gave me something to really think about which is how critical my internal voice is. I tend to overanalyze every little action I do that I feel may have been embarrassing or stupid then berate myself for it. I like the idea to just stop those thoughts in their tracks and uplift myself instead.

 

Consider how often you bother being overly critical of others. Does it really interest you to find fault with people if they stumble on their words or something?

 

Probably not. Take comfort in the limited scope of everyone else's concerns. We're each focused on our own navigation. Beyond that, nobody else is even half as interested in our behavior as we are. This lets you off the hook. There IS no hook.

 

We created a hook as kids when we were preoccupied with fitting in and analyzing the field of conformity for anything that stuck out. Analysis was a coping method, and some of us overdid it--and never let go of that habit. We can opt to outgrow that habit at any time. It's a decision.

 

I don't find daily affirmations and things like that helpful so this is an easy change I can make.

 

Sure. We all run an inner dialog anyway, so why not choose to be on our own side?

 

I tried joining a group at my church that was especially for women going struggling with anything, but I feel like I just wasn't ready then to confront anything.

 

Consider rejoining with the idea of supporting those who are ready to work through their stuff. This acclimates you to the group, and then you can decide your own readiness in a familiar setting. Meanwhile, you're contributing to something valuable and forming bonds that could branch out and lead you somewhere else that's productive and rewarding. We never know unless we explore.

 

I'm only 24 though and I just feel like I'm broken still, which is why I posted seeing if anyone can possibly relate so I can nip this in the bud finally.

 

Reconsider the language of 'broken' to avoid self fulfillment of what you DON'T want. We hypnotize ourselves into our own descriptions, so adopt language you aspire TOWARD and skip the stuff you want to edit out of your experiences.

 

Head high, you're doing great.

Link to comment

I enjoyed reading these posts because I really relate. I have had a catalogue of broken relationships that left me feeling unmotivated or numb regarding the whole area of relationships. I couldn't even think about them for at least a year. I'm still single and I can sense things slowly changing. It's important to do the internal work, I don't have the energy for anymore unsuitable men. I have learnt a few things about me which might ring true to you:

 

- Hurt men have been very unkind to me and said things in the past that I have believed for a while.

- It is okay to be 'selfish' regarding your happiness and needs

- I will never again fit around others just to please them at the expense of my own needs

- I won't hide parts of me that are 'unacceptable' to a partner

- I'm not perfect and I am kind to myself about that

- I am not broken, I am healing and learning every day

 

Hope that helps

Link to comment

Focus on creating and building achievements and accomplishments you are proud of and make sure you are maintaining good physical health. For example, develop a self improvement program. Get in shape, improve your diet activity level and lifestyle. Get a thorough check up and work from there.

 

Improve your look. New clothes, hair, etc. Review your social media. Delete dead weight, reset privacy settings. Reconnect with some old friends, classmates, former coworkers. Get on some dating apps and start meeting guys for a low-key coffee.

 

Improve your career and finances. Learn about investing and saving. Take courses and classes that you either enjoy or forward your career. Volunteer and meet new interesting people. Learn new things all the time. Take up classes that broaden your mind and your scope. Travel, it broadens your perceptive and gets you out of a narrow focus on yourself. Meet positive people who do not drain you and who you aren't compelled to "fix".

 

Get out of your head. Ruminating on a past you can not change deepens and perpetuates depression, helplessness and isolation. There is nothing to "forgive". See a doctor for a possible physical/metabolic cause for that. Particularly if mood disorders or substance disorders run in your family.

It's been pretty much a year since I last saw my ex. I have taken this year to do some deep internal searching and focusing on myself. suggestions for loving yourself on a day to day basis

Link to comment

Hi All,

 

There was someone who posted a link to a very useful podcast it was called 'mean woman advice' and it was brilliant. I went out and shut down my computer and now can't find it, if anyone knows the link I'd be grateful and if there are any other useful podcasts to help with healing.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...