vulnerability and attachment - navigating being in the worth through grief

What are your guys take on social vulnerability?

I know that I have posted about this topic before, but I do really believe that each of us is on a journey, and even if you can see that the answer is obvious, the person posting doesn't (obviously) see that, yet. I think all of this is a process and that we are always learning. Also, what is obvious to you might not be to me, etc.

So, I am wondering about 'social vulnerability'. It seems to have cropped up since I cut Turtle out of my life and I must say that I think that little project is going quite well, because even if I did feel a bit of road bump in my emotions on and after a weekend of a couple of nutritional blog posts, it is no longer the norm. So, I am hoping that I will get better at managing my internal response to sharing something on a site that he knows about.

After a bit of time without Turtle in my life and that internal skeleton of attachment, as I now see that connection (mirror, some would say), life has got a bit more dangerous. It is real. I am not quite sure WHAT it was about sharing my most memorable moments with an anonymous stranger and his continued attention, that obviously made me feel so secure, but without it, I admit, I tremble.

This week, I went to my digital marketing lecture and learnt a lot of cool, practical and exciting stuff. I made my first ever social media video and posted it online. But something about putting myself 'out there' on social media, or a blog, or even sometimes in a conversation with a friend, makes me feel so incredibly vulnerable.

What is my question? I guess I am wondering if anyone has experienced that kind of social vulnerability after or during a period of grief, and did you have any particular strategies that helped you to reestablish a stable core?

I am actually wondering if I might eventually reach out a little more to the real people in my life and attach to them more fully, as I have read that when one source of attachment is vanquished, people often search, unconsciously for other forms of attachment. It would be nice if this could be my friends, rather than some kind of (digital) 'personal brand' that our lecturers assured us would help us succeed yesterday! :-)

Chai, I often find it a challenge to give you advice because I don't want to offend you and also because it's hard for me to grasp what is upsetting you, I'm not quite sure what was in your mind and what events actually happened

Turtle has never actually spoken to you, correct? So when you say you told him all these vulnerable things, you mean another anonymous source like say me? Correct?

Well we're here and you can talk to us. I guess the only difference is we aren't your partner, but, unless I'm misunderstanding neither was he, it was all created in your mind right?

I hope I'm not offending you. I really am not clear.

If I'm correct well again we're here. I know many people who start years long journals who are very open and honest and they get support, they get cheerleaders, they get friends.

Maybe if you clarified what is happening a bit more people would feel more comfortable reaching out to you for support?

I'm only giving my perspective, I can't speak for others, I think you can find support online and in person that can be much more fulfilling than what turtle was to you.

I've expiereinced social vulnerability of course, even on this site even though I'm annonymous ive felt exposed by sharing my experiences, but it's quite different than the vulnerability I've felt say around my peers or a date. That kind of vulnerability again is a bit different.

One is a concept it's a perceived risk the other is kinda ripping off the bandaid.

Now I'm confusing.

Not at all @figureitout, I don't feel offended by what you have said. :-)

I guess in a nutshell, what WAS upsetting me was this sense of exposure, as you mention in my every day relationships and on social media, which seems to have cropped up since I let Turtle go.

It is really interesting to hear about your own experiences with vulnerability - anonymous and sharing experiences (a perceived risk), or a vulnerability around peers or date. I am not really sure what you mean about ripping off the bandaid off, but I guess that is what I am interested in. This vulnerability / exposure and what helps to navigate that.

Someone also made a great point through PM that feelings are so transient, which is undoubtedly true, and maybe I was paying too much attention to a 'feeling' as opposed to just watching it come and go.

Either way, it was an uncomfortable feeling which obviously indicates that I am pushing out of my comfort zone. I hope that this can pave the way for stronger attachments with my real life friends, other than some kind of 'online personality', but I do really appreciate so many of these online opportunities. ENA is such an amazing place to both learn about other people and work through issues in a safe kind of process. I really love it!

You're smart to consider bonding more closely with real people in your real life.

Too much Internet amounts to living in your head, fantasy building and navel gazing, while in-person interactions with real people can ground you and open a more healthy perspective.

Helping the people you care about strengthens your bonds with one another and teaches you to feel valued and valuable.

You're smart to consider bonding more closely with real people in your real life.

 

Too much Internet amounts to living in your head, fantasy building and navel gazing, while in-person interactions with real people can ground you and open a more healthy perspective.

 

Helping the people you care about strengthens your bonds with one another and teaches you to feel valued and valuable.

Thanks so much for your thoughts @catfeeder! I think you might have a point, because things do seem to be shifting in my interpersonal world since I have cut the blog off. I study Media and Communications, so obviously a lot of my focus is online, but since I put up some boundaries, particularly in implementing privacy settings on: my personal Facebook page, my personal (not business) Instagram account, and my personal blog, there has been a huge shift in me, I am noticing!

For a start, because the boundary is in place, and these spaces are now essentially 'private' (to me and my friends), I am actually more candid, and give a lot more of my self. I guess before, when they were public, there was always this kind of loose thread perhaps, or some kind of exposure to the elements. It is nice to both protect myself from the 'public' and be more available towards my friends.

The second thing that I notice and this is probably the best and most important thing - I am actually reaching out to bond with real people in my real life (as you say). Today was a perfect example. I tried to call two friends to chat and then when they weren't available I called my Dad. I can't believe it, but we actually had a lot to talk about. It is so funny. It was definitely a first in my world to talk to him on the phone for as long as I would generally spend with my Mum, or perhaps a close work colleague.

In a funny way, I actually think that the attachment that was set up when Turtle so very kindly offered his ear and attention, has actually come full circle. Bear with me while I think this through, but for whatever reason the blog started, it really gave me a secure base from which to explore the world. I moved to a big city (from a tiny country), and when all those people came back to that tiny town, and could never seem to get out of it, I stuck it out, and made a life for myself here in the city. The blog helped me to do that. It also helped me in other ways - to build up the courage to go out and make real life friends. It was a safety net. It supported my confidence.

As my psychologist said, there can often be a lot of GOOD things about a relationship, or addiction, but in some relationships, and all addictions (perhaps), there is often a deal breaker, which makes the good stuff not worth it, or just not an option, like an abusive relationship. Often those relationships have a history of some amazing experiences and connection, but at the end of the day, if it is toxic, it can't go on, no matter what the benefits.

Since I have cut that out (and thanks so much to ENA for your help in this regard), I have noticed this vulnerability and fear that I mention above. It comes from losing the 'attachment' I think.

But what a wonderful gift! It is almost as though that 'rift' that has been present between me and my father perhaps all my life, is changing its dynamic. Maybe part of seeking new forms of attachment is actually reaching out to my Dad! Which is just amazing, and that is why I think that it has come full circle!

WOW!! :-)

And the real breakthrough is the fact that I am not going to tell Turtle about this and I am not going to thank him for his attention.

The boundaries are there for good reason, I believe.

:-) Chai

I am actually reaching out to bond with real people in my real life (as you say). Today was a perfect example. I tried to call two friends to chat and then when they weren't available I called my Dad. I can't believe it, but we actually had a lot to talk about. It is so funny. It was definitely a first in my world to talk to him on the phone for as long as I would generally spend with my Mum, or perhaps a close work colleague.

[...]

But what a wonderful gift! It is almost as though that 'rift' that has been present between me and my father perhaps all my life, is changing its dynamic. Maybe part of seeking new forms of attachment is actually reaching out to my Dad! Which is just amazing, and that is why I think that it has come full circle!

 

WOW!! :-)

That IS a wOw, Chai. It's fabulous.

Just as we suggested that it's never wise to presume how a doctor or therapist will respond to new information, a theme here seems to be not to operate on presumptions about your Dad, either.

Maybe breaking away from online fantasy is getting you outside of your own head enough to be receptive?

Good for you, and enjOy!