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I've had it with my family by I feel so torn. My brother just tried to kill me with my mom and sister watching. I'm 25 my brother is 21 and we all live with my mother. I've stayed this long to get myself together and help out my mom. My brother and sister take advantage of her and I hate it. She's been laid off twice and needs us for help with bills. Although my sister makes her feel guilty for asking she still pays. My brother won't on the other hand and won't do any housework and barely maintains jobs. We all work 2 and 3 jobs and he just sits around has company, and expects us to cook and clean up after him. I'm honestly the most vocal about it. Ive gotten complaints about my approach so I tell my mom and she won't say anything. It's frustrating because my days off are spent cleaning a filthy house that I haven't even spent much time in throughout the week. Tonight I came home from work and I went to clean the dishes and make tea before bed. The kitchen is filthy with used pans on the stove and dishes in the sink. I ask my mom if she made the food and she told me it was my brother. In passing I told him to clean up after himself and he makes up a usual excuse not to. Just lat week the trash needed to be taken out and my mother gave him some to take out and he left it in the walkway of our bedrooms as he relaxed with his girlfriend. I straight up told him if he can't do that just don't cook. He tells me he'll do whatever he wants and fills up a cup with water. I admit I took the partially filled cup and told him to get out of the kitchen until I was done. After that he started to grab me by my shirt and tell me he would beat me up and threw me on the ground when I fought back. I told him he needed to leave. I was pissed by then and went to his room to tell his girlfriend they had to leave and in my anger I knocked over his tv. When he saw that he choked me on my moms bed and I was kicking him in his groin but I felt myself going unconscious. My mom justs tells him to go outside and cool off. I keep telling him to just get out or I'll call the police and that we're not going to take care of him anymore. My mom really needs help but I can't live like this. She's had a heart attack before and if nobody was around she would have died for sure. I want her to move with me but shes very stubborn. I'm fine I don't have any bruises yet although I am wheezing a bit. I'm not sure what to do.

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Well, I think you've got to get out of the house. If your mom won't leave your brother and sister or do anything about them, that's her decision. But your home situation is dangerous, your brother is dangerous, and I think you have to get out. Move in with a friend or find a roommate situation. But stay away from your brother and get out.

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Where is your father? You can help out your mother but not live there. You know that so you must be there for your own reasons. Your mother embraces all of you and all this. It's her house and she wants all of you there. However she is creating a divisive environment and seems passive in all of you beating each other up and at each other's throats.

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You can do more good for your family by being the one example of accountability. Enabling doesn't help anyone. Get away from this toxic environment, put all your work ( and money) invested back into yourself.

 

Did you call the police? Your brother assaulted you. Don't turn away and pretend it's not happening like your mom. That's a loser mentality . Don't get sucked into her guilt trips. Therapy to deal with growing up in this environment could help you too - you will need support to understand that you are not accountable for your mom and her choices, nor the rest of them, and that you shouldn't have been burdened with being taught that you are in the first place.

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I've had it with my family by I feel so torn. My brother just tried to kill me with my mom and sister watching. I'm 25 my brother is 21 and we all live with my mother. I've stayed this long to get myself together and help out my mom. My brother and sister take advantage of her and I hate it. She's been laid off twice and needs us for help with bills. Although my sister makes her feel guilty for asking she still pays. My brother won't on the other hand and won't do any housework and barely maintains jobs. We all work 2 and 3 jobs and he just sits around has company, and expects us to cook and clean up after him. I'm honestly the most vocal about it. Ive gotten complaints about my approach so I tell my mom and she won't say anything. It's frustrating because my days off are spent cleaning a filthy house that I haven't even spent much time in throughout the week. Tonight I came home from work and I went to clean the dishes and make tea before bed. The kitchen is filthy with used pans on the stove and dishes in the sink. I ask my mom if she made the food and she told me it was my brother. In passing I told him to clean up after himself and he makes up a usual excuse not to. Just lat week the trash needed to be taken out and my mother gave him some to take out and he left it in the walkway of our bedrooms as he relaxed with his girlfriend. I straight up told him if he can't do that just don't cook. He tells me he'll do whatever he wants and fills up a cup with water. I admit I took the partially filled cup and told him to get out of the kitchen until I was done. After that he started to grab me by my shirt and tell me he would beat me up and threw me on the ground when I fought back. I told him he needed to leave. I was pissed by then and went to his room to tell his girlfriend they had to leave and in my anger I knocked over his tv. When he saw that he choked me on my moms bed and I was kicking him in his groin but I felt myself going unconscious. My mom justs tells him to go outside and cool off. I keep telling him to just get out or I'll call the police and that we're not going to take care of him anymore. My mom really needs help but I can't live like this. She's had a heart attack before and if nobody was around she would have died for sure. I want her to move with me but shes very stubborn. I'm fine I don't have any bruises yet although I am wheezing a bit. I'm not sure what to do.
My father lives in a different town pretty far away and he's basically absent in our lives.
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OP I have a bit of a different take on your situation.

 

It's not your place to dictate to your siblings or your mother how to live, what to do, how to keep the house, wash the dishes, etc. You had no right to go after your brother, you had no right to tell his gf to get out. You incited the fight and quite frankly, the law does take that into consideration, so your hands aren't clean here.

 

You are choosing to live in a toxic environment and you are trying to control others in it. First step is get your own place and move out and stop using your mother as an excuse to continue as is. If she needs financial help, then pay some of her bills directly. Meaning that you don't give her money, you pay the bill directly to provider/creditor. If she can't feed herself, then you can arrange for grocery delivery service and again, choose what will be bought and delivered to doorstep. However, what she chooses to do with that is up to her and you have no say in it. If she chooses to feed your sibling and skip meals herself, that is her call. You have zero say in that and YOU need to start respecting the fact that she is an adult.

 

Finally, get yourself into counseling. Your whole family is a mess, but so are you and you need to recognize that and fix that so you can move to have a better healthier life for yourself.

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You can do more good for your family by being the one example of accountability. Enabling doesn't help anyone. Get away from this toxic environment, put all your work ( and money) invested back into yourself.

 

Did you call the police? Your brother assaulted you. Don't turn away and pretend it's not happening like your mom. That's a loser mentality . Don't get sucked into her guilt trips. Therapy to deal with growing up in this environment could help you too - you will need support to understand that you are not accountable for your mom and her choices, nor the rest of them, and that you shouldn't have been burdened with being taught that you are in the first place.

I'm going to the police station tonight. My mom hasn't even talked to me about it and I feel like she just won't. I have a nice sized savings account I accumulated over the years for emergencies. I spent the portion to move out on replacing my car that was totaled ($3000). I loaned my mother about $2800. And I enrolled in cdl school and I just registered for classes part time to finally finish my degree. That's about another $4000. I don't have family where we live and I don't have many friends. I need a stable place to live at least to finish out the semester and maintain working I already work really far from home. This is such bad timing .
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OP I have a bit of a different take on your situation.

 

It's not your place to dictate to your siblings or your mother how to live, what to do, how to keep the house, wash the dishes, etc. You had no right to go after your brother, you had no right to tell his gf to get out. You incited the fight and quite frankly, the law does take that into consideration, so your hands aren't clean here.

 

You are choosing to live in a toxic environment and you are trying to control others in it. First step is get your own place and move out and stop using your mother as an excuse to continue as is. If she needs financial help, then pay some of her bills directly. Meaning that you don't give her money, you pay the bill directly to provider/creditor. If she can't feed herself, then you can arrange for grocery delivery service and again, choose what will be bought and delivered to doorstep. However, what she chooses to do with that is up to her and you have no say in it. If she chooses to feed your sibling and skip meals herself, that is her call. You have zero say in that and YOU need to start respecting the fact that she is an adult.

 

Finally, get yourself into counseling. Your whole family is a mess, but so are you and you need to recognize that and fix that so you can move to have a better healthier life for yourself.

I understand this is true but I wouldn't care so much if my mom wouldn't always come to me complaining about it. I always tell her I'm not the parent and that it's up to her. I don't want to be in the middle it's very frustrating. I work 60+ hours a week so I'm not really home looking for trouble. I get calls from her about it . Everyone says the same thing to him but they don't want it to be an issue. If my mom didn't have clear health problems I wouldn't be so upset. It's plain taking advantage. If I go to the police I don't mind being honest about my involvement.
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I understand this is true but I wouldn't care so much if my mom wouldn't always come to me complaining about it. I always tell her I'm not the parent and that it's up to her. I don't want to be in the middle it's very frustrating. I work 60+ hours a week so I'm not really home looking for trouble. I get calls from her about it . Everyone says the same thing to him but they don't want it to be an issue. If my mom didn't have clear health problems I wouldn't be so upset. It's plain taking advantage. If I go to the police I don't mind being honest about my involvement.

 

I'm sorry, but your mother is manipulative and you have got to put an end to that and start enforcing boundaries instead of getting sucked into the drama. If she is calling you at work, then tell her that you are no longer allowed personal calls at work and stop answering her calls. It's on you to create and enforce boundaries. If you are worried she might be calling you because she is sick and needs immediate help, then answer the call, BUT the moment you realize she isn't dying, cut her off, excuse yourself firmly that you need to return to work and hang up. She can only whine and push your buttons because you allow it.

 

Ultimately, stop making excuses for why you aren't moving out and move out today. In your shoes, I'd look for any place available for immediate move in within driving distance of your job and get out and I wouldn't even give your family your address. It's really not surprising that your father left and is staying far away. You need to do the same for your own sake and sanity and please do seek some counseling for yourself. Your upbringing has caused you damage that needs undoing.

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Once you file a criminal police report it can't be unfiled. He will be arrested, arraigned, bail will be set he'll have to get a criminal attorney. You will be called in as a complaining witness, taking time off because you will be subpoenaed it will drag out because no one has money.... or common sense in that household.

 

Family calling cops on each other? Cops are not social workers or psychiatrists. They are there to arrest people. Period.

 

Sometimes the smart thing is not the thing that you have a right to do or what seems fair. Sometimes the smart thing is to look ahead a few moves and see if you are winning or losing with any next move.

 

Now, is that improving your life or your circumstances? What will that provide any of you? You in particular. You are not going to teach him or your mother a lesson with this. The household is so dysfunctional they will all keep limping along as angry and crazy as ever.

 

It's unclear why you just don't take your money and start looking for a place. It's only "bad timing" because you choose to live there, getting embroiled in and in the crossfire of it all.

I'm going to the police station tonight.
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I'm sorry, but your mother is manipulative and you have got to put an end to that and start enforcing boundaries instead of getting sucked into the drama. If she is calling you at work, then tell her that you are no longer allowed personal calls at work and stop answering her calls. It's on you to create and enforce boundaries. If you are worried she might be calling you because she is sick and needs immediate help, then answer the call, BUT the moment you realize she isn't dying, cut her off, excuse yourself firmly that you need to return to work and hang up. She can only whine and push your buttons because you allow it.

 

Ultimately, stop making excuses for why you aren't moving out and move out today. In your shoes, I'd look for any place available for immediate move in within driving distance of your job and get out and I wouldn't even give your family your address. It's really not surprising that your father left and is staying far away. You need to do the same for your own sake and sanity and please do seek some counseling for yourself. Your upbringing has caused you damage that needs undoing.

I appreciate that. That's what I'll do. I thought if anything she would need someone to vent to but I guess I was wrong. My dad never lived where we live btw. He left when we were all kids and my mom always tried to coparent cordially. But that was a toxic situation in itself. He's basically pushed us all away with his anger. I've tried to mend the relationship twice but I'd rather just stay away.
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Very wise words from Wiseman. Once you get cops involved, it will make things that much worse for everyone, including yourself. Stop the madness and put your energy into moving out. Stop with the excuses on how it's not convenient. Living like you are choosing to live is what's not convenient. Drop the bs and get away from this dysfunctional mess. Learn to let people fall on their own sword and stop trying to save everyone. Spend your money on rent, your education and counseling for yourself so you can move on from this with a clean conscience and understanding of what is right and wrong.

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I appreciate that. That's what I'll do. I thought if anything she would need someone to vent to but I guess I was wrong. My dad never lived where we live btw. He left when we were all kids and my mom always tried to coparent cordially. But that was a toxic situation in itself. He's basically pushed us all away with his anger. I've tried to mend the relationship twice but I'd rather just stay away.

 

Stop trying to be the family fixer. You cannot fix people and all you are really doing is damaging yourself in the process.

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Once you file a criminal police report it can't be unfiled. He will be arrested, arraigned, bail will be set he'll have to get a criminal attorney. You will be called in as a complaining witness, taking time off because you will be subpoenaed it will drag out because no one has money.... or common sense in that household.

 

Family calling cops on each other? Cops are not social workers or psychiatrists. They are there to arrest people. Period.

 

Sometimes the smart thing is not the thing that you have a right to do or what seems fair. Sometimes the smart thing is to look ahead a few moves and see if you are winning or losing with any next move.

 

Now, is that improving your life or your circumstances? What will that provide any of you? You in particular. You are not going to teach him or your mother a lesson with this. The household is so dysfunctional they will all keep limping along as angry and crazy as ever.

 

It's unclear why you just don't take your money and start looking for a place. It's only "bad timing" because you choose to live there, getting embroiled in and in the crossfire of it all.

The bad timing comes from the fact that I've put a lot on hold for years to help my mom. She had a heart attack and then was laid off a year later. She just works part time and contract jobs now. So she's in decent shape and now I can actually inch away. She always convinces me to stay by not saying she needs me but asks me how will I support myself when I go. It works every time because what amount of money I have she tells me i should have more. "Just in case".

As for anyone learning a lesson it's on them. I'm not looking for social work to be done as why I didn't call or go immediately. My mom asked him to leave but he wouldn't. There's not much else to do is he's the only guy in a house full of women and children.

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And the next time the brother chokes someone out? Don't do anything because its family?

Domestic abuse is never ok. And it's where the bulk of abuse happens. And people don't want to 'ruin their family members lives' , so they protect them and enable them to continue to abuse. Until the day either someone ends up in hospital with very serious injury or dead, and so it must be investigated. Or. Someone else outside the family sees it or experiences it first hand and reports it.

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My brother just tried to kill me with my mom and sister watching. . After that he started to grab me by my shirt and tell me he would beat me up and threw me on the ground when I fought back. When he saw that he choked me on my moms bed and I was kicking him in his groin but I felt myself going unconscious. I'm not sure what to do.

Is it just me, but I find this utterly bizarre. A mother and sister just sitting around watching while a son/brother tries to kill the other one? I can't get my head around that, at all. It leaves me speechless. This has to scream of massive dysfunction if ever I've heard it.

 

OP, as to what to do: Report the assault and move out. The sooner the better.

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OP please, please, please report this assault to the police!

 

I have been in your shoes. My brother is an alcoholic and up until very recently sponged off my parents in their basement with his two children. I was living in the house briefly after returning from University and one New year's Eve a friend stayed over. She was supposed to sleep in our basement, in the family room but my brother was drunk and playing world of Warcraft on the computer and insisted she just go to sleep with him in the room.

 

My friend was obviously not comfortable with the idea and we eventually had to get my dad up (3AM). Once we did, my brother flew into a rage and attacked us, throwing his computer at us and putting a hole the size of a basketball through my bedroom door.

 

My friend and I left and found a hotel. I moved out shortly after but he continued to sponge and manipulate my parents. To this day he is still enabled my everyone around him and I have been left with PTSD from it. I have panic attacks when people raise their voices etc.

 

My biggest regret is not calling the police because "he's family". I wonder if hitting bottom would have taught him a lesson or at least forced him to face consequences for his actions.

 

You need to get out of there but you also need to realize that what happened was an assault and should be reported immediately. It doesn't matter who "started it". The moment it got physical it was a crime.

 

You're not at fault. Do not let anyone tell you that you are. Get out and call the police. For your sake and his. Don't let this be a regret later.

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Is it just me, but I find this utterly bizarre. A mother and sister just sitting around watching while a son/brother tries to kill the other one? I can't get my head around that, at all. It leaves me speechless. This has to scream of massive dysfunction if ever I've heard it.

 

OP, as to what to do: Report the assault and move out. The sooner the better.

 

Unfortunately it no longer shocks me. It's just reality for how some people grow up. The kicker is that when someone tries to get out of a dysfunctional dynamic like this, or takes action to hold people accountable for what they have done, they are usually treated like a traitor who has betrayed their family. Unless they go along with what is 'useful' to keep the dynamic going, they are on their own. Already isolated and it's engrained in them that terrible things will happen if they attempt to do something for themselves. The mother is sabotaging her own children, for her own gain, and it won't be as simple as walking away and being down with it. They will keep at her, to bring her back down to that level again, and for what they can get from her.

 

She'll have to strong and she'll need outside support. Therapy, friends, people who have her back.

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Do NOT loan your mother another penny. If the money is cut off from her kids - she will figure things out - either by taking another job (taking any job), selling the house and forcing the other two kids out, whatever.

 

I think you should call an abuse hotline and explain what you are going through - they will refer you to a number of weeks of free counseling and help you find a safe place to go.

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