Why her, not me?

So long story short.. ish.

Me and my ex were together for a year and half.. well I say together, he was somewhat on and off with me. We met in a house share and were the best of friends in the beginning before taking it further. He hadn't been in a relationship with a woman for 4 years before me, hadn't even been with a woman in that time so I understood his desire to take things slow.

He never really wanted to take me out, didn't want to do the little things, didn't care for me in a way i clearly cared for him. Nonetheless he told me he felt he's met the one, he was struggling to let his guard down, fair enough, I remain patient, understanding.

When it came to me questioning his true intentions and whether he ever saw a future with me, I started to become beat down and tired of waiting for some kind of break through with him, he was still saying the right things to keep me from walking away.

Then we started to have heated conversations about his intentions and I was expressing how his words and actions don't correlate, he said he cared but I didn't feel it. Gut feeling knows.

He then reveals to be that he can't commit to me because I'm white, he had meetings for an arrange marriage over the summer... He said white people divorce easy which isn't acceptable in his culture (Sri Lankan, Christian). His words cut me so deep because I do come from a divorced family and he threw the pains of my childhood in my face. It was all a lot to take in and I fell into depression.. despite him then changing his mind saying he does want me, I couldn't move on from how this man I loved hurt me in such a way.. He then left one miserable Monday night and I never saw him since.

Now I find out; the man who could never commit.. the man who couldn't commit, had these deep rooted childhood issues himself, was being advised an arrange marriage, couldn't be with a white woman is now In a relationship with a white woman?!??!?!! In the space of a few months too.

I know it shouldn't but it hurts, it's cut me feel again. It's plastered all over social media so his parent can see (I was a secret), he takes her out (keep seeing them about), he probably treats her so so much better, doing all the things I wanted to do... all the suggestions I made. I feel like she gets to enjoy the ground work I put in with him, she won't ever see his nasty side and she gets the man I deserved. Why wasn't I enough? Why her not me?

It's not about you. It's about their system of arranged marriage and centuries of tradition...and him sowing all the wild oats he can before that.

He is full of. crap. Sorry, but his actions clearly show that he had no future plans with you.

In the future, follow actions. Do not allow yourself to be a secret. And don't allow people to disrespect you like this.

You need to address why you would want someone who treated you so badly.

I am assuming he knew you were white when you were dating. What a jerk.

It's plastered all over social media so his parent can see (I was a secret),

Demand better for yourself and if you're not being respected then get rid of such a dud and move on quickly so you don't waste your good dating years on a twit.

Sorry you're hurting but be glad your rid of him. Now you are free to find someone who respects you... he never did.

Oh Darling, she will definitely see his nasty side! And if things are as serious as you say between them, she'll be seeing it for a long, long time...

Unfortunately, I just don't think he was that into you. Not the way you were into him, anyway.

So, he came up with excuses that he felt would keep you at bay. Think about why you feel you "deserved" this man; that's a very telling choice of words. It's not about deserving a relationship. It's about a meeting of two people who want the same things and have a mutual interest.

In the future, don't ever date a man who keeps you a secret and makes no effort with you. There's no future with a guy like that, whatever the reasons may be. He's no prince, to be clear, but you also overlooked some significant red flags. He didn't want to go out with you, wanted to keep everything on the down low. You needed to read between the lines there and realize this wasn't the guy for you. I understand you really liked him, but it appears you were trying to convince yourself that the red flags weren't waving and that he was maybe going to be the right guy if only you could convince him to like you more. Don't do that again, as it will only hurt you.

Delete him from your social media.

'Why her, not me'.. a question as old as the universe. Because, sadly, love is intangible, un-quantifiable, indefinable. It is either there, or it's not. Those who say that 'love is a choice' have never been in love. Very sadly, the 'it' was missing for him in you, and is present for him in her. Not your fault in any way shape or form. Your time will come, you will see. I wish you all the best.

He is full of. crap. Sorry, but his actions clearly show that he had no future plans with you.

 

In the future, follow actions. Do not allow yourself to be a secret. And don't allow people to disrespect you like this.

 

You need to address why you would want someone who treated you so badly.

 

I am assuming he knew you were white when you were dating. What a jerk.

Haha yes he did and, yes, he is a major jerk. He fed you lines to keep you on a hook when you were clear what you wanted.

You may not feel like it now, but this was a hard lesson for you. We take away from all our experiences in life. Some take longer to learn, while others have the same experience until they do finally learn. You should take away from this experience by how to better recognize a time waster. My rule is to establish a definite label by 6 months after dating, at most. A partner should know by then whether they want a commitment to you or not. They should know you at that point to at least come to this decision. No waffling talk like this guy did. It's either a "yes I want us to be exclusively girlfriend/boyfriend", or anything less is a "no" from him. It needs to be voiced, not an assumption either. Otherwise, cut it off. Never accept being a secret. Meet your partner's friends and family. Be known.

If there is one thing you should know, viewing their situation from the outside as you are now is not how it seems. You know what he's like, and people do not tend to change their ingrained behaviors. It is easy to say the grass is greener on the other side, but in reality it isn't. You may see their social media and what they portray on the outside in the piblic eye, but you do not truly know what they are going through in their private life. Given what you've said, the situation looks less than favorable. His "nasty side" you speak of cannot be concealed forever, even if they end up marrying. It will come out, that is a fact.

The only feeling you should have towards his new woman is pity, not envy. Now, you are the one who is free. Free from a nasty man. This lady still has to deal with his nasty self.

'Why her, not me'.. a question as old as the universe. Because, sadly, love is intangible, un-quantifiable, indefinable. It is either there, or it's not. Those who say that 'love is a choice' have never been in love. Very sadly, the 'it' was missing for him in you, and is present for him in her. Not your fault in any way shape or form. Your time will come, you will see. I wish you all the best.

Love/attraction is not a choice but what you do or not do with it, is.

But yes, we've all experienced seeing someone choosing another person that it doesn't make sense to us. Sometimes it doesn't have to make sense, it just is.

Many years ago I was left for a girl that was exactly what my ex said it "wasn't his type" and the type of person he always said he didn't want to have a relationship with. But he ended up marrying her and having kids and to my knowledge are still together. Sometimes it just is and we have to accept it because failing to do so will only being you unnecessary pain.