my boyfriends roommate doesn't like me because i'm shy

so i've been dating my boyfriend for three months and about a month in his roommate she tells him she has anxiety whenever i'm around. i have a hard time talking to people and have terrible social anxiety. she says to him that me being quiet scares her and i've wanted to talk to her about it but my boyfriend says not to even try because it'll just make things worse. she's been getting mad over small things i don't even come over lot because i don't like making someone feel uncomfortable. what should i do? my boyfriend is even moving out because of it and i don't want to be the reason that they fight or not speak to on another anymore i really don't know what to do..

His roommate seems to have issues that are not your problem and you didn't create them. He is correct to be moving out. He is also correct that you should stay away from the crazy person because playing into her games will make things worse. He has a handle on it in that he is removing the problem roommate from his life. Respect his decisions and let him handle it.

This is not about you. She would probably not want your bf having any gfs or girls visiting. Why are they talking about you and why is he telling you all this? Do not go there anymore. What's wrong with your place or going out? She does not like him having any female company.

Do not put up with her and seriously consider this relationship if he needs a female roommate to run his social life and psychoanalyze his life and you. How soon is your bf moving out?

so i've been dating my boyfriend for three months and about a month in his roommate she tells him she has anxiety whenever i'm around. she's been getting mad over small things i don't even come over lot because i don't like making someone feel uncomfortable.

Sounds to me like she is territorial with him. Likely they had a thing, still have some sort of thing or she really wants to have a thing with him. Why not go on dates outside of the house? Why not have him visit you at your place? If he is moving out, then that should solve the issue (unless it is for the reason(s) I mentioned above in which case it might get worse).

Are there any other roommates living there?

This is not about you. She would probably not want your bf having any gfs or girls visiting. Why are they talking about you and why is he telling you all this? Do not go there anymore. What's wrong with your place or going out? She does not like him having any female company.

 

Do not put up with her and seriously consider this relationship if he needs a female roommate to run his social life and psychoanalyze his life and you. How soon is your bf moving out?

he comes over to my place now but before he just wanted me to come over to his place because he didn't think it would be an issue. he's moving out in a month. i've wanted to bring it up to her and ask what her problem is and why she didn't talk to me first but i'm not great at confrontation

he comes over to my place now but before he just wanted me to come over to his place because he didn't think it would be an issue. he's moving out in a month. i've wanted to bring it up to her and ask what her problem is and why she didn't talk to me first but i'm not great at confrontation

Don't get involved. This isn't about you.

Are there any other roommates living there?

nope just her

Excellent he's moving out this soon. Do not bother confronting her. She's a witch, not worth your time. Who cares what she thinks?

he comes over to my place now. he's moving out in a month.

She sounds strange. Good that he is moving.

Sounds like she's jealous of you. Best to stay away from her and good that your boyfriend is moving out.

nope just her

I find that situation of be rather inappropriate and she's being a d-bag. Be happy he's moving out and hopefully she'll never cross yours or his path again.

It appears that she has a crush on your boyfriend and doesn't want to share her time with him which she has to do when you're there. pfffft.

OP, as the others have said, it seems that this girl likes your boyfriend and is just jealous of you. So, she is making up bizarre reasons why you shouldn't come to their house.

I would ignore her and spend time there as you and your boyfriend wish. Thank goodness he's leaving soon.

To be honest, would it hurt to make small talk? When you walk in the door, you greet the roommate. Say hello? If they are not home when you come over, you say hi to them when they do -- you engage in superficial small talk "oh -- how is the road. I am figuring out if i should go home or wait it out a little, "BF and i just came back from seeing X movie....it was pretty good..." "I brought chips and dip over - would you like some?"

It would make me very uncomfortable if someone came into my home and just sat there with zero eye contact (i am not talking about a relative who i know well and is just tired or sick)- didn't say a peep. didn't acknowledge me at all. There are ways to not say very much, not be very extroverted - but not cross the line into making people uncomfortable. When you ask a question that isn't a yes or no - you can sit back and not say much and let other people talk.

^^ Yeah, I agree with abitbroken. If you're at her house (or a guest at anyone's house really), you should just say hi, make small talk. Whatever, the weather, tell her the couch cushions are nice, that's a pretty painting. Or how was your weekend/holiday? whatever. If someone walks in, doesn't talk, they kind of come across as rude and aggressive, potentially, though I know that you say you have social anxiety, but it can come across as being very cold instead of very shy.

I remember back in grad school, I had a roommate who was seeing a guy. He just kind of hid in her room away from me when he came in for the weekend, I barely saw him. Not that I wanted to be best friends with him, but I just thought he should have just come out and talked to me for a few minutes, talked about his trip or whatever. I thought it was really weird. I figured he was acting that way because he already had a girlfriend and was seeing my roommate on the side (!!!!!) and I knew that so maybe he thought I was going to shame him and tell him to dump his gf. I wasn't going to get involved in any drama, but I thought his behavior (on all accounts) was not great.

^^ Yeah, I agree with abitbroken. If you're at her house (or a guest at anyone's house really), you should just say hi, make small talk. Whatever, the weather, tell her the couch cushions are nice, that's a pretty painting. Or how was your weekend/holiday? whatever. If someone walks in, doesn't talk, they kind of come across as rude and aggressive, potentially, though I know that you say you have social anxiety, but it can come across as being very cold instead of very shy.

 

I remember back in grad school, I had a roommate who was seeing a guy. He just kind of hid in her room away from me when he came in for the weekend, I barely saw him. Not that I wanted to be best friends with him, but I just thought he should have just come out and talked to me for a few minutes, talked about his trip or whatever. I thought it was really weird. I figured he was acting that way because he already had a girlfriend and was seeing my roommate on the side (!!!!!) and I knew that so maybe he thought I was going to shame him and tell him to dump his gf. I wasn't going to get involved in any drama, but I thought his behavior (on all accounts) was not great.

i understand social anxiety. But to get conquer some of that - you can rehearse a few things in your mind to remember -- when you are at someone's house, you can say in your mind "okay, remember to make eye contact when you/they are talking". "I am going to remember to say hello" etc. I have some social anxiety, but my guy is a calming presence to me and i find i am not a tenth as anxious if he is also there and he is the only one there i know. It should be a good anchor for you that your boyfriend is there. its a "fake it unil you make it" situation.

Annie - that would totally bother me. If he is in the apartment in her room alone and she is not there and you come in the door (in an apartment, you can hear someone coming home) the least he can do is to say hello to let you know he is there.

To be honest, would it hurt to make small talk? When you walk in the door, you greet the roommate. Say hello? If they are not home when you come over, you say hi to them when they do -- you engage in superficial small talk "oh -- how is the road. I am figuring out if i should go home or wait it out a little, "BF and i just came back from seeing X movie....it was pretty good..." "I brought chips and dip over - would you like some?"

 

It would make me very uncomfortable if someone came into my home and just sat there with zero eye contact (i am not talking about a relative who i know well and is just tired or sick)- didn't say a peep. didn't acknowledge me at all. There are ways to not say very much, not be very extroverted - but not cross the line into making people uncomfortable. When you ask a question that isn't a yes or no - you can sit back and not say much and let other people talk.

I second this entire post.

I don't know.

The first thing that comes to mind is this is a whole lot of fuss over someone who is shy and doesn't talk much?

And it's come to this? People are arguing and parting ways? She's just his roommate. She doesn't get a say in who he dates.

Unless you are making messes or turning over the furniture, she needs to mind her own business.

It just seems like there might be more to the story. That's all

I don't know.

 

The first thing that comes to mind is this is a whole lot of fuss over someone who is shy and doesn't talk much?

And it's come to this? People are arguing and parting ways? She's just his roommate. She doesn't get a say in who he dates.

Unless you are making messes or turning over the furniture, she needs to mind her own business.

 

It just seems like there might be more to the story. That's all

I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to say anything, lol.

I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to say anything, lol.

she says to him that me being quiet scares her and i've wanted to talk to her about it but my boyfriend says not to even try because it'll just make things worse.

The BOYFRIEND told her that the roommate feels this way -- the roommate did not say it herself--- and the boyfriend is buffering any suggestion that she has for making things better -- and is trying to prevent it. I wonder if either the roommate said something worse (that its CREEPY that you sit like a bump on a log and don't acknowledge her and she thinks something is amiss with you or the roommate didn't really say any of that and the boyfriend has exaggerated greatly.)

Annie - that would totally bother me. If he is in the apartment in her room alone and she is not there and you come in the door (in an apartment, you can hear someone coming home) the least he can do is to say hello to let you know he is there.

I seem to remember she was in the bathroom or something getting ready and he was in her bedroom just chilling. I came home from school, and he didn't really come out to say hi until I poked my head in, and still he seemed really stand-offish. Which, I don't know, seemed weird, as I knew he had just gotten in town and he obviously heard me come home, it was a tiny apartment. I'm guessing he didn't want me giving him crap about cheating on his gf!!

I also wonder if there is more to the backstory with OP.

I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to say anything, lol.[/there is a little more to the story. i went to a BBQ on the 4th of july and i didn't know anyone except for my boyfriend and his daughter. his roommate came up to me and complimented my dress and hugged me and didn't talk to me the rest of the time. it was awkward not knowing anyone there so i kept to myself a bit after he introduced me to his friends. i tried my best to talk as much as possible and thanked the people who mad the food. his roommate avoided me the whole time i guess i can come off as cold when i'm not talking i just freeze up around people and my brain goes blank

Wait. How old is he and how old is his roommate? Were they living together before you started dating 3 mos ago?

i went to a BBQ on the 4th of july and i didn't know anyone except for my boyfriend and his daughter.

I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to say anything, lol.[/there is a little more to the story. i went to a BBQ on the 4th of july and i didn't know anyone except for my boyfriend and his daughter. his roommate came up to me and complimented my dress and hugged me and didn't talk to me the rest of the time. it was awkward not knowing anyone there so i kept to myself a bit after he introduced me to his friends. i tried my best to talk as much as possible and thanked the people who mad the food. his roommate avoided me the whole time i guess i can come off as cold when i'm not talking i just freeze up around people and my brain goes blank

 

Sounds like the roommate tried to break the ice with you - so its weird that when you are at the apartment that you don't interact or treat her as somebody that you know. If someone introduces you to someone new, maybe remind him that you can be a little awkward around new people and it would help if you mentioned a hobby or something you could talk about to the friend. I think that with practice you can improve -- remember to make eye contact when someone is talking, but don't stare, etc. People can learn little things to make them less intimidating. I am introverted and I need time to decompress by myself after meeting a lot of people. maybe time to yourself before a party can go a long way to help you.

so i've been dating my boyfriend for three months and about a month in his roommate she tells him she has anxiety whenever i'm around. i have a hard time talking to people and have terrible social anxiety. she says to him that me being quiet scares her and i've wanted to talk to her about it but my boyfriend says not to even try because it'll just make things worse. she's been getting mad over small things i don't even come over lot because i don't like making someone feel uncomfortable. what should i do? my boyfriend is even moving out because of it and i don't want to be the reason that they fight or not speak to on another anymore i really don't know what to do..

Point blank she needs to get the f over it. It's her issue not yours. You haven't actually DONE anything to her. Just don't care about her.