Am I a fool?

My story so far:

I am in a stable relationship with my boyfriend, sorry fiancee, for about 5 years now. we know each other for 9 years. back then when we were in college we had an on-again off-again relationship ( first time we dated for 5 months, then 1 year pause, then again for 6 months then another 2 years pause, I broke it off with him every time because back then we wanted different things in life).

Finally in my last year of med school we tried once again (so this was 5 years ago), it was working great (we grew up a little so to say) until he decided that he doesn't want to live in our country anymore (we are both from Romania, from the same city) and after several months of relationship he moved in Austria for a better job. We decided we would try the long distance thing.

Meanwhile I finished my med school, passed the med state exam and started to work my dream job as a resident in psychiatry. He started a job in Austria as a disponent (some kind of booker/clerk at a spedition firm, he is working in this branch for 7 years now). We were in this distance relationship for about one year and a half, in all this time he persuaded me to move with him to see where this relationship goes.

I accepted the invitation, left everything behind in Romania and went to Austria, started german courses and made all the necessary steps to achieve the right to practice medicine here. This was very hard, expensive (i paid for everything for these steps and courses), it took an immense effort and time (for about 2 years).

Then finally I got a 9-months medical internship in a hospital, with the perspective of a residency. Just before me leaving, he proposed to me and I said 'yes'. The problem was this hospital was 130km away from him, I had to stay there and visit him on weekends (he visited 3 times in 9 months). I was all alone there among unfriendly strangers. I worked very hard, but in the end it was all for nothing, they didn't give me a job and I had to come back and start the job hunt once again, which is not going great ( I had 1 interview and 10 refusals in the last 10 months).

The problem is that we live in an area where strangers (especially romanians) are not very welcomed, there are no foreigners workings as doctors in the hospitals here, which makes my job hunt very hard. He knows all that. We talked several times about moving back to Romania where I can finish my residency and he can do his job which is very well paid for our country.

Most of the times he agreed with this idea and that this is the way, but lately he said to me he will not return for anything, because he has a well-paid job here and a firm car. Then he says that this relationship is important for him also but only if I am physically with him, and most important, only if I stay here in Austria and that I should take whatever job is available here even though is not a medical one. And if it's a medical one but further away from him (but in Austria) it would be also ok. If I go back in Romania the relationship ends (his words). Taking whatever job here means I have to give up the last piece of my life, that to be a doctor.. even though he wouldn't return for me in our homeland just for a while.

I really don't know what to do, what to think anymore, I gave up all my life for him and still it seems it's not enough. I am a very reasonable person, I told him I am up again for a distance relationship while I do my internship in Romania, we wouldn't be the first couple to do this, there are plenty of married/unmarried couples in this situation (one is in romania and another is working abroad).. but maybe I am a romantic fool, I hoped that a real relationship is one in which you understand each other, you support each other's dreams and that when the situation comes, you will do the same thing that your significant other did for you, out of love and respect.

I really wish to know what mistakes I made..

Unfortunately, your boyfriend does not seem interested in the same kind of relationship you want. He is very selfish and he is only concerned about himself. He does not care what you do. I do not think he loves you very much.

If you want a real, loving relationship, you need to break up with this guy, move back to Romania, and become a doctor. I am sure there are plenty of young men back in Romania who would like to be your boyfriend. Apparently, your boyfriend does not care if he is your boyfriend or not. Leave him and follow your dream.

Thank you for your honesty!

May I just add: in this whole time he sustained me financially (except courses and medical steps) for the firs 2 years. Then in 9 months last year I earned so much money that we were able to sustain each other for the last 10 months. I even encouraged him to stay in paid unemployment because we could afford it easily just so he can have the time to think about what he wants to do in life because he was always complaining about his job and that he maybe wanted to change the branch and continue with something related with his domain (he is a transport engineer). He just stayed, he didn't do anything related, he didn't want to change the course of his job because that meant a job less well paid and more study. finally he got back to the same job, continuing to complain about it but in the same time he tells me that I should just take a job and not think about a career because this doesn't pay our life or life in general.

I want to mention that we were never poor, just average people, back home I have an apartment and here a car, I didn't study medicine or went abroad for money (he knows all that) and even if we would return in Romania nobody would suffer from "hunger"..

Hello, I moved to another part of the country to be with my partner. I gave up my career, got a reasonable alternative, we married, had 3 kids and then he left me for another woman. I’m 42 now and finally about to qualify. He was my only partner.

I reflect on the past and see how we where also on and off at the start. He controlled me, I thought because he loved me - he probably did. And I let him. I was isolated from friends, family and I believed it was all out of love. My biggest regret is not listening to myself all those years ago.

You’re obviously really intelligent and you mention psychiatry, I think you know yourself that this is not right. Love is wonderful but you have to love yourself first and not deny yourself that goal you’ve worked so hard for whether he’s coming or not. He’s doing the same to you.

Good luck xx

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story with me!

I really did believe that I know myself prior to the Austria-story, I always knew what I wanted, the decisions that I took regarding my life were always mine and not "induced" by others, except this one "in the name of love"..

I can also say and am thankful that I had the unconditional support of my parents, although they live in Spain for 14 years now (I also tried living there, learned spanish and catalan, went to high school there a while, but couldn't adapt so I decided to come back to my homeland even though everyone told me not to do it as I would regret it because of the problems with my country - I don't regret it still, it was the best decision of my life).

But for the last several years I don't recognise myself anymore. Since I'm here I struggle with anxiety (had also panic attacks) but I didn't burdened him with this, he knows as we talked about this but I didn't let this affect the relationship because it's my problem. So being my problem I immediately sought professional help, thank god I know and understand how important this is, and got medication for the attacks and therapy for my anxiety. This was before starting the work. Prior to Austria episode I have never had this sort of problem although I am an anxious person by nature, but no matter the situation I could manage myself and get through it ( and had a couple of times way worse than here).

I am truly sorry for the long posts but I really have no one to talk to, being kind of isolated here.. And I thank everyone in advance for the advices/opinions!

He's put you in a very difficult position. I understand the struggle to maintain a long-distance relationship is tough and he is probably tired of it, but knowing you're so close to reaching your professional goal - even if that means returning home for a period to do so - I would hope my partner would be a little more understanding. It's not as though you have not been trying to make it work in Austria.

I also live in the EU, in a place that is generally hostile to Romanians (and Eastern Europeans in general, sadly) so I know about the type of prejudice you're probably facing in Austria. I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

If I were you, I would not sacrifice what you've worked so hard to achieve professionally. I know you love him, but I think you will live to deeply regret not completing your medical internship, wherever that may be.

I think he has basically summed your worth up in one short sentence. "If your return to Romania the relationship ends."

That's not the words of someone who loves you and is thinking of both of your situations. It's not someone who is willing to do anything to never lose you. Yes, many couples are right across the world from each other but won't give each other up no matter what it takes.

He is basically saying, my way, or no way. That's incredibly selfish and shows no love at all.

Don't sacrifice all your hard work for this man. You will lose opportunities and in the end, you will lose yourself. Do what you need to do to further your career.

If he loves you, he will encourage this and still not want to lose you.

If he sticks to the same lines of do what he wants or be done...then it shows how little you mean to him and you're better off without him.

Is there a way for you to go home for a month? Compare your life there and in EU? Based on that make your decision.

I was in a similar situation like you, and I ended up being left and replaced with another very quickly. However, visiting home helped me realize I love my life abroad. And now Im here, away from home, but building my life without him.

Ive heard the same sentence "if you dont come here we should break up" (2 years ldr prior to my move. Should have been my first red flag among many others.

Dont make the same mistake. Yes it will hurt, if you break up. But you need to find your own happiness!

Thank you for your input!

Unfortunately I faced prejudice almost on a daily basis while I was working, but I was aware of this risk. I hated it and had no one to talk it with, to my bf seemed something sort of a normal thing, so to say, he told me he experienced this as well in the beginning and that's it. But in our conversations he always leaves out the part or finds it not at all important that he came here with a good friend, they worked together (they still do) and lived together and they vented out to each other a lot..

I also understand the part with long distance relationship.

I guess I looked for a little empathy and not only in the wrong guy after all..

Is there a way for you to go home for a month? Compare your life there and in EU? Based on that make your decision.

Unfortunately the only option I have based on his ideas is either to take whatever jobs are here or to go home alone. Right now I am trying to study (once again) for the med state exam in order to get a job at home and start everything over again. There is always the option in the future to work abroad (Germany and even here ) as long as I am a specialist doctor, but in the same time personally I don't have so many issues with my country.

I'm sorry for all you're going through.

To me, the most striking thing reading through all this is you saying that you hardly recognize yourself anymore. That, simply, is no way to live (though sadly a lot of people spend much of their lives like that ). The longer that cycle continues the more pressure you'll put on something outside of you (a job, a country, a partner) to fill in those missing pieces. That pressure just builds into resentment and anxiety.

It sounds to me like you both started down different individual paths a while back, but tried to alter the course in the name of love. That's beautiful, and it can work, but only if...well, if it works. The anxiety you're feeling, the displacement, the lack of connection with your inner self: that's all evidence that this just is not working, regardless of your affection for each other. Relationships require compromises, sure, but not those in which we become someone we are not. The selflessness of love should not be the same as losing one's self.

He has repeatedly called the shots—that's a dynamic you both created, and it doesn't sound like it's going to change. But right now you need more, and it may simply be someone whose individual path is more in line with your own, so there's less bending by both parties.

Sorry to hear this. You sound very intelligent, industrious and accomplished. Do not hesitate to go back home where you feel loved, comfortable, appreciated both personally and professionally and things are not this kind of stranger-in-a-strange-land type of struggle.

Have you felt as though following him there at the expense of your happiness and professional advancement has been a mistake?

You have done all you can do to make any of this work out. In this time you have gained a lot of experience. The command of another language and the value of feeling homesick and having a network of friends, family and colleagues who love and appreciate you.

Unfortunately the only option I have based on his ideas is either to take whatever jobs are here or to go home alone.

I gave up all my life for him

I am a very reasonable person

.... No, no you're not. Or at least your life decisions leading into this situation haven't been. There's no reason for you to be giving up your life for him or any other man. In some fairness to you, if he were kinder, he'd have just dumped you and not left you struggling with making the only rational and responsible decision to move back home and get your life sorted out for your own professional sake. However, that he wouldn't want to go back to an indefinitely long distance relationship is perfectly reasonable as well. It says nothing for a lack of love, but rather it speaks to the fact there are likely millions of people in the world who would be a great match for us-- it just simply doesn't work out that way for obvious logistical reasons. This is one of those cases.

You two aren't and it sounds like have never really been in a position to happily share a life. It's that simple, even if not easy to admit.

I know it's a very difficult situation and I know that you and your partner even got engaged so it makes it even harder to know which path to follow. I'm spiritual so I guess I do believe in the concept of "the one". But just like someone can be the one, they may also NOT be the one and that can be for different reasons. I think we have the capacity to love many people and have a good connection with many people but to find "the one" and get married and things like that, it just has to be right. Things like values, needs, wants, goals, "being in the right place at the right time" have to align. Here it just doesn't sound like those things are happening, even if you do love your boyfriend and he loves you.

I have to also say that I do think he's selfish because you sacrificed a lot for him and you truly did try to learn German and find a job but due to the discrimination that may just not happen. I think your boyfriend probably isn't truly in love with you because if he was he would probably agree to move back to Romania. I mean he could still get the same job there and Romania is your home country. I think he would not be making as much of a sacrifice to go back to Romania as what you're doing to be in Austria. Also why did your boyfriend move to Austria in the first place if you guys were already together? I'm sorry to sound harsh but I think he basically wants to live his life as he wants whether you're there or not. Like he may have a "take it or leave it" attitude about you. Like, he wanted to move to Austria so he did. Surely he considered how he would feel if you didn't agree to go to Austria and probably realised he'd be OK without you? Coz now he's saying if you go to Romania it's over so he doesn't seem to care if you're gone and doesn't want to try to work something out?

I'm sorry for all you're going through.

 

To me, the most striking thing reading through all this is you saying that you hardly recognize yourself anymore. That, simply, is no way to live (though sadly a lot of people spend much of their lives like that ). The longer that cycle continues the more pressure you'll put on something outside of you (a job, a country, a partner) to fill in those missing pieces. That pressure just builds into resentment and anxiety.

Thank you! Every idea counts! I found myself thinking the same things you mentioned but I went on the idea that maybe I need to work harder for the relationship and not to give up. Apparently it was a bad idea..

You have made enough sacrifice for this guy. Too much! He is very selfish and does not seem to care much about you. "(he visited 3 times in 9 months)." Terrible!

You should have been done with the creep after the second break up! be done with this guy, and find someone who values you.

" I gave up all my life for him" Do not EVER do this again!

.... No, no you're not. Or at least your life decisions leading into this situation haven't been. There's no reason for you to be giving up your life for him or any other man. In some fairness to you, if he were kinder, he'd have just dumped you and not left you struggling with making the only rational and responsible decision to move back home and get your life sorted out for your own professional sake. However, that he wouldn't want to go back to an indefinitely long distance relationship is perfectly reasonable as well. It says nothing for a lack of love, but rather it speaks to the fact there are likely millions of people in the world who would be a great match for us-- it just simply doesn't work out that way for obvious logistical reasons. This is one of those cases.

 

You two aren't and it sounds like have never really been in a position to happily share a life. It's that simple, even if not easy to admit.

Thank you for your honest opinion!

I understand his point of view, I know a long distance relationship is very hard, we did it once. I simply said this to him as one of the options we might have and because I though he'd love me enough not to give all up. And I said I am a reasonable person because I try to think of all the ways and options.

I try to understand your opinion also, nobody should give up anything for anyone, but don't you find it a little bit "radical"? I made this as a compromise, without compromising nothing works in life. In this situation I blame only myself because apparently I had expectations from the person who showed me he loved me but only recently showed me to what extend..

I have to also say that I do think he's selfish because you sacrificed a lot for him and you truly did try to learn German and find a job but due to the discrimination that may just not happen. I think your boyfriend probably isn't truly in love with you because if he was he would probably agree to move back to Romania. I mean he could still get the same job there and Romania is your home country. I think he would not be making as much of a sacrifice to go back to Romania as what you're doing to be in Austria. Also why did your boyfriend move to Austria in the first place if you guys were already together? I'm sorry to sound harsh but I think he basically wants to live his life as he wants whether you're there or not. Like he may have a "take it or leave it" attitude about you. Like, he wanted to move to Austria so he did. Surely he considered how he would feel if you didn't agree to go to Austria and probably realised he'd be OK without you? Coz now he's saying if you go to Romania it's over so he doesn't seem to care if you're gone and doesn't want to try to work something out?

Thanks for the "harsh" opinion! (btw you were not harsh, it may very well be a reality, one that perhaps I failed to see.)

Although all his family and friends are home, he said he doesn't want to come back because our country is "sh*tty" and he will not earn the money he is earning here. These were also the reasons he left. He also doesn't know if he wants to stay here for a couple of years or indefinitely.

" I gave up all my life for him" Do not EVER do this again!

Thank you!

I am trying to learn from my mistakes.

Thank you!

I am trying to learn from my mistakes.

It sounds like you're starting to maybe truly absorb a lesson that you've been reluctant to learn for a while.

My feeling on relationships is that we always need to be cautious about how many "once x happens" we allow into the equation of making it work. As in: "Things are hard now, but once X happen he/she/we will be good..."

Once I graduate, once he gets a job, once we get settled in a new city, once we move back to where we came from...if you're approaching things from that angle you're not really present. Indeed, you're rationalizing your present discomfort but creating some future hope.

Sure, we need to do that from time to time, in life and love. "Once I finish this deadline, I'll be able to relax..." and so on. But in your case it sounds like this has been the dynamic for far too long.

I know how hard it is to consider ending something you're so invested in, but it sounds like you're still young and have so many skills at your disposal in order to build the life you really want to inhabit rather than hope that current one can be twisted into a tolerable shape.

It sounds like you're starting to maybe truly absorb a lesson that you've been reluctant to learn for a while.

 

My feeling on relationships is that we always need to be cautious about how many "once x happens" we allow into the equation of making it work. As in: "Things are hard now, but once X happen he/she/we will be good..."

 

Once I graduate, once he gets a job, once we get settled in a new city, once we move back to where we came from...if you're approaching things from that angle you're not really present. Indeed, you're rationalizing your present discomfort but creating some future hope.

 

Sure, we need to do that from time to time, in life and love. "Once I finish this deadline, I'll be able to relax..." and so on. But in your case it sounds like this has been the dynamic for far too long.

 

I know how hard it is to consider ending something you're so invested in, but it sounds like you're still young and have so many skills at your disposal in order to build the life you really want to inhabit rather than hope that current one can be twisted into a tolerable shape.

Well I am (still) young, 30 years old. The thing is, I was not like this before. Sure, I had plans for the future but I also lived in the present. And honestly I never invested so much in a relationship, but this one felt that it is the "one".

But this thing with "once we do x.." was so often repeated to me (not by me) that I apparently started to believe it too, without realising the damage. And put a great pressure on me as well.

Thank you for your advice!