Is It Worth It If He Loves You?

Hi,

I'm new here, looking for some relationship advice...

I met my partner of 2 years online, and what was supposed to be a fun fleeting interaction blossomed into a serious long-distance relationship. I'm 26 years old and he is 34. I'm quite mature for my age and despite our 8 year age difference, we get on very well and think along the same lines. He's compassionate, sincere, thoughtful and independent. On a more superficial note, he is good-looking, goal-oriented and has a respectable job. We talk every single day but give each other space when we need it. After establishing some trust, he took the initiative of flying thousands of miles to meet me. We sparked a wonderful connection in person and he met my friends too. They really liked him and some of them even envied the connection we shared.

He comes from a different religious and cultural background and while I wanted to introduce him to my family, I knew there would be serious resistance from my parents. I did however introduce him to my siblings who, despite admitting that he was clearly in love with me, found him incredibly boring and “not a good fit” for me. I was quite hurt as it took quite a bit of struggle to convince them to meet him. Despite their skepticism, I did what felt right to me and stayed in the relationship. They now know that he is willing to convert to my faith in order to marry me eventually and integrate into my family as peacefully as possible – which is admirable but not something I want to support as neither of us is particularly religious. I like our differences and want him to honor his cultural identity.

My circumstances didn't allow me to travel, so he introduced me to his parents on a video call and they were very sweet. He also introduced me to his best friends who were genuinely supportive and happy for us. We will be meeting each other again this year and looking forward to a more intimate trip.

Long-distance relationships aren't for everyone but because my partner is so good at communicating and including me in his life, I have never had reason to doubt his loyalty nor his character. What does weigh on me is that 4 years ago, he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (specifically Cannabis-Induced Psychosis)—something I haven't told anyone. He has had 3 manic episodes his whole life (before he met me) and was briefly admitted to a mental institution thrice. He was never an alcoholic or a drug addict but just to be safe, has laid off alcohol and recreational drugs entirely since we met and recently got off his medication under the supervision of a therapist. He credits me for his excellent health and has been very self-aware, level-headed and happy since we met. However he tends to get emotionally overwhelmed from time to time and I find myself keeping a lot of my problems to myself out of concern for his mental health. Not being able to express myself and getting the closure I need as a partner often leaves me deeply unfulfilled in our relationship.

Lastly, I never met anyone I loved enough to lose my virginity to until now. My partner was honest enough to tell me—right when we started talking—that he contracted genital herpes (HSV1) from his ex-girlfriend. I am not one to judge, nor do I believe guarding your virginity for a certain length of time makes you better or worse than anyone else. However, I have serious concerns about having sex for the first time, given my partner's condition. We plan to see a doctor before consummating our relationship but it definitely adds to the stress and anxiety of an already complicated relationship.

He plans on moving at the end of next year to be closer to me so we can build our future together. His honesty is what makes our relationship thrive and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me with all his heart. But sometimes I feel like I carry this monumental burden all alone and not sure if it's healthy for me or how it'll affect me in the long run, seeing as I'm still relatively young. Are my concerns valid? Am I expecting too much from this relationship or sacrificing too much for it?

I'd really appreciate some honest, objective advice from people who have had a similar experience or can somewhat relate to my situation…

I'm sorry to break this to you (but I think you on some level know it) that based on what you wrote here, he seems less like "the man you love enough to lose your virginity to" and more like someone who's using you for something. Not sure what that might be and it's up to you to know. You say you never had a reason to doubt his loyalty; and I'll leave it at that even if I would be extremely skeptical about it. The more pressing concern seems to be his diagnosed Bipolar disorder. You say it leaves you deeply unfulfilled as you can't really talk to your partner about anything that bothers you out of "concern" for him. From my personal experience, this problem will not go away and will only get worse over time as you'll be the "emotionally strong" one in the relationship which will just lead to your shutting down to him (it happens so smoothly you won't even know it) to the point there will be no point in calling what you have a relationship. If you can't talk to your partner about something that bothers you, it's not a relationship, it's a one-way street.

To the point of his having HSV1. If I were you, I would never go into this willingly, regardless of how much I thought I loved the man. The choice is yours, of course, as it is your body. The least you can do is educate yourself on what it is and what you'll be facing for the rest of your life should you decide to "consummate" your relationship. Talking to a doctor is a wonderful plan. I'd still give it some serious thought on my own though, I think you already know the answer.

So to sum it up, this man admits to you to having some pretty serious emotional and physical ailments which put a lot of stress on you and your relationship, so why are you with him? Do you think you can make it all go away by being with him? Do you think being with you makes him better? Are you carrying this burden so that you can alleviate the suffering of the man you love? Do you think it really works like that? You seem like a smart girl, it's really up to you to decide. But from the point of view of an outsider, seems like it would be a waste of a life for you, but that of course is just my opinion. Peace.

Unfortunately this has a great many things working against it from your cultural differences and family's rejection, to his unstable mental status. He has been hospitalized 3 times for mood disorders with psychotic episodes. Sorry but he is in no condition to have a relationship.

These obstacles are close to insurmountable.

Video calls do not come anywhere close to navigating a relationship real time. Move him here and you'll likely have an entire different experience.

Faith, family, distance, emotional and mental illness, feeling unfulfilled and unable to express yourself, STD's

This just a gamble I wouldn't take.

What does weigh on me is that 4 years ago, he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (specifically Cannabis-Induced Psychosis)—something I haven't told anyone

Because you are far away - you don't really know what he is like day to day. you have only met in person once , right?

Because you did not introduce him to your parents is a warning sign - not because there is a cultural difference but it sounds like you know you have something to hide or deep down he's not right for you and you don't want your parents to point that out. people of different backgrounds can thrive in a relationship to an extent but there has to be two people that are mentally healthy and have all sorts of other things in common. It doesn't seem that you really click in person and your siblings have picked up on that.

Hi Rose, Thank you for sharing and posting here on the forum. You have a lot to think about and I'm sorry that you will have to make some really tough decisions. In reading your posts, it sounds like you have been thinking a lot about your relationship. Have you considered writing down a list of pros and cons of the relationship? Usually, if I have a tough decision to make I look at all the pros(positives) and the cons(negatives) of a situation. If the cons are more than the pros, I make a decision knowing that whatever I am thinking about is not good for me. If the pros are more than the cons, then it would be a good decision for me to do. Have you considered your own personal health and well being? Getting involved with someone that has a sexually transmitted disease that may/may not be curable appears to be very risky for your personal health and well being. Have you thought about how your life would be affected if you contracted the same disease? Maybe ask yourself why would you want to possibly contract a disease if you currently don't have one? Ultimately, the decision will be yours to make. Long distance relationships are hard because you really don't know what the other person is doing while you are not together. Even if you are living in the same area, it's hard to know. Maybe consider how your family and friends feel about your relationship. Sometimes they can be good predictors because they are looking from the outside looking at the situation that you are currently in. Wishing you the best in your decision.

1. Your family does not like him and this will cause conflict and unhappiness down the road.

2. He has a serious mental illness and should you ever decide to have children you could potentially have offspring that will deal with the same mental illness. It is a serious burden for a parent and a child and one you really need to think through.

3. He uses drugs to the point of being hospitalized and was very irresponsible.

4. He slept with a woman who gave him herpes. Why was he not wearing a condom? Again a sign of being irresponsible. Herpes is also a life long STD and one that will never go away. This will always make your sex life complicated and could also make child bearing a very serious/difficult situation if you ever decide to go down that road. It could potentially cause serious harm to the baby should one ever be conceived.

5. Your relationship will be long distance and there will be many complications with that as well.

Relationships are hard as it is. Why are you getting into a situation like this that is far more than just small problems? You are walking into a landmine. The problems this man have are far worse than what's typical and your future is very bleak because of this.

I don't think you've thought this through.

It is still possible to meet someone close to you that does not have all of these issues. This isn't healthy nor is it going to be easy what so ever. I know relationships aren't easy but what I mean is, you are asking for serious trouble with this and I can't see anyone in their right mind honestly considering this situation.

I hope you really sit down and think about all of these things.

Thank you very much for your honesty, everyone.

I have no illusions about the relationship and know what I'm signing up for. As I said, my partner is incredibly honest and shares everything with me. I'm confused as to what he could be "using" me for as he's doing much better than I, financially and otherwise. And just to be clear, I don't have airy-fairy notions about love or think all our problems will go away just by being together.

In the last few days I decided to communicate with him and open up about some of my personal problems. He was very supportive and it felt extremely cathartic. I realized the lack of communication was my fault. Unfortunately there's a lot of stigma surrounding mental health issues and dangerous misconceptions about bipolar disorder. This is what inhibits me from talking to people around me. I believe everyone deserves a chance at love and acceptance, especially if they've made a consistent effort to seek treatment and get their life in order. My partner has never attempted self-harm and does not have a history of violence. I am proud of him for getting off his medication and impressed with his level of self-awareness. We are in no rush to get married and I fully intend to explore the relationship more deeply in person before making any life-altering decisions.

To answer Vinkara's questions, I am with him despite his shortcomings because he makes me feel loved. He understands me, treats me as his equal, supports me and gives me the respect I deserve. I am not perfect either and he accepts me with all of my baggage. I certainly don't think I can make all of his problems "go away" by being with him - I wish it were that easy. But yes I do believe being with me has helped him realize that he is worthy of love and improved his life in ways he didn't think possible. We share a profound connection that has made me learn to trust again and he has helped me overcome a lot of my fears. In response to abitbroken, the only reason I have not introduced him to my parents is his religious background. If he converted, they would have absolutely no reservations.

STIs are no joke and I'm aware of the consequences. It is what it is though, you either get it or you don't. There are several cases where people with HSV 1 & 2 have remained in long-term relationships without transmitting it to their partners. Sadly there's no way to "mentally prepare yourself" for something like this other than seeing a doctor beforehand which I plan to do anyway. I would never be with someone who wanted to have sex despite knowing I was conflicted.

I really appreciate everyone's honesty and respect each point of view. I want to particularly thank foreverbeach for their very sweet suggestion. You were very sensitive to my situation and that really touched me.

I think one of the reasons I am willing to look past everything is that I empathize with people who are marginalized due to some kind of social stigma. STDs and mental health problems are very real. But people who suffer from them do not ask for it and it's cruel to judge them or cast them aside because of something they cannot change. SherrySher here said that my partner was irresponsible for not wearing a condom, as a result of which he got herpes. This is not true - condoms minimize the risk of transmission but do not eliminate it. This is just one of many misconceptions about HSV 1 & 2. He did wear a condom and his ex-girlfriend did not tell him she was infected. He has not been with anyone since out of fear of spreading it and I applaud him for having the courage to tell me before things got serious.

I know I have the right to choose a partner who is more "normal" and indeed most people would for obvious reasons. But it's not fair that someone who has been successfully treated is always reduced to his mental history or rejected by default for contracting an infection from a former relationship. I see him as a human being with a painful past who has turned his life around and I love him all the more for it. Health is a primary concern and will always be and I will not proceed without consulting a doctor.

Thank you everyone for sharing your perspectives. I think what I've learned from posting here is that I should be in a relationship because it ultimately makes me happy - not because I believe I'm serving a higher purpose by surrendering my happiness.

I have no illusions about the relationship and know what I'm signing up for. As I said, my partner is incredibly honest and shares everything with me. I'm confused as to what he could be "using" me for as he's doing much better than I, financially and otherwise. And just to be clear, I don't have airy-fairy notions about love or think all our problems will go away just by being together.

He is better off financially because he is older than you. Someone in their 30s is going to be (hopefully) better established than someone in their 20s. How is he using you? He wants to take your virginity --- He is a man with mental illness that women who are local to him won't date. He has burned through all those bridges. You are younger and he hopes too inexperienced or idealistic to see the dealbreakers. I have been there. I dated a guy 10 years older than me who just couldn't seem to find someone to date locally in A BIG CITY -- and the more I found out i found out that 1) his family had horrible boundaries/emotional incest 2) he "collected" exes - he hung on to them all 3) He portrayed himself as a humble, wonderful man who was just unlucky in love when he was actually emotionally abusive...... and i can go on and on. you DO NOT KNOW this man - he uses you as his long distance person to confess his problems to but how would he operate in an actual day to day relationship? He sees you as someone slightly naive.

you are signing up from a life of hurt, possibly a man who you will have to caretake as well.

I think one of the reasons I am willing to look past everything is that I empathize with people who are marginalized due to some kind of social stigma.

And so am I....but it doesn't mean i have to choose that person as a marriage partner. you need to be very choosey about who you are going to be most emotionally and physically intimate with. I have a heart for veterans who suffer from homelessness and mental illness. Does that mean I date one of them? I have friends of different ethnic backgrounds (more friends that are my ethnic background because people related to me are all from my background -- so obviously that makes sense), etc. Does that mean I must consider ALL comers as suitors? Or do I screw my head on and choose someone who I could raise kids with because we agree on many points in life, we are within a reasonable age of eachother, etc, and other things. And I pick someone who can be a partner to me -- no one that I have to rescue.

If this man was someone local to you that you had gotten to know over time, you could see up close whether he is a good match or not --- but honestly, I don't think you should treat someone who has had reckless behavior and mental breakdowns someone who would be a good mate for you.

I think that if you cannot introduce him to your parents, that you KNOW that this man is not right for you. You will rebel and stick with this guy and be saddled with him and your parents will say "i told you so"

I know I have the right to choose a partner who is more "normal" and indeed most people would for obvious reasons. But it's not fair that someone who has been successfully treated is always reduced to his mental history or rejected by default for contracting an infection from a former relationship. I see him as a human being with a painful past who has turned his life around and I love him all the more for it. Health is a primary concern and will always be and I will not proceed without consulting a doctor.

Its not about being "normal" - or "not normal". Its about being smart - and also - mental illness is something that you can't always "turn your life around" from. A woman who was trafficked as a teenager and was forced into prostitution and one day she had a way to get out of it and now she helps young kids to help protect them form being trafficked -- she has turned her life around from bad circumstances. Someone with mental ILLNESS simply has periods of managing their illness well or not managing it well. He will always have mental illness. If he moves somewhere new, it could detiriorate if his mother was the one who reminded him about his meds or redirected him back to help when he was not doing so well -- if he is not set up with doctors right away, etc, he could deteriorate and he could spiral down again.

you only met this guy one time and you are idealizing him. you are infatuated plain and simple. Dating someone that is inappropriate to date (far away, STD, mental illness, doesn't share your background), is not about social justice.

Re mental health, you didn’t say whether he suffers from Bipolar 1 or 2 (huge difference between the two), but I gather it’s Bipolar 1, since you said he has experienced a few psychotic and manic episodes, which those with Bipolar 2 do not experience.

Medication can help this a lot, and you are correct, those who’ve been diagnosed with BPD 1 can and do have healthy, satisfying relationships if they remain on their meds.

Many people know this about me already, but I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 years ago (mood disorder, anxiety, but no psychosis or mania), am currently on NO meds, my moods are stable and am in a healthy happy supportive relationship.

Yes there is still a stigma surrounding mental illness which saddens me but I do not allow that to impact my life; my bf knows all about my bipolar 2 and frankly doesn’t care, other than how the stigma affects me, which it doesn’t.

It certainly does not affect our RL in any way, shape or form. It did with my RL with my long term ex, on some level, but that was prior to my learning how to manage my symptoms/moods better, without the need for meds.

I applaud you for your loyalty and devotion rose, I hope it all works out for you the way you hope!

Re mental health, you didn’t say whether he suffers from Bipolar 1 or 2 (huge difference between the two), but I gather it’s Bipolar 1, since you said he has experienced a few psychotic and manic episodes, which those with Bipolar 2 do not experience.

 

Medication can help this a lot, and you are correct, those who’ve been diagnosed with BPD 1 can and do have healthy, satisfying relationships if they remain on their meds.

 

Many people know this about me already, but I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 years ago (mood disorder, anxiety, but no psychosis or mania), am currently on NO meds, my moods are stable and am in a healthy happy supportive relationship.

 

Yes there is still a stigma surrounding mental illness which saddens me but I do not allow that to impact my life; my bf knows all about my bipolar 2 and frankly doesn’t care, other than how the stigma affects me, which it doesn’t.

 

It certainly does not affect our RL in any way, shape or form. It did with my RL with my long term ex, on some level, but that was prior to my learning how to manage my symptoms/moods better, without the need for meds.

 

I applaud you for your loyalty and devotion rose, I hope it all works out for you the way you hope!

But its one thing for a guy to get to know you in real life - you click before he even found out about it - and decide you are the one and you are managing your condition well because you want to and keep on top of it, vs being long distance and treating you like a fantasy woman or dating you BECAUSE he "wants to help marginalized people" and is blind to whether you are truly right for him. I bet guys you date don't even have a clue about it unless you tell them. If someone dated you long distance because you had Bipolar and felt bad/thought you deserved to be in a relationship - then that is the wrong reason to date. I think she needs to be very careful here --- a man that she won't introduce to her parents and already has an STD --- she needs to really keep her wits about her and her mind open to meeting closer men, as well.

But its one thing for a guy to get to know you in real life - you click before he even found out about it - and decide you are the one and you are managing your condition well because you want to and keep on top of it, vs being long distance and treating you like a fantasy woman or dating you BECAUSE he "wants to help marginalized people" and is blind to whether you are truly right for him. I bet guys you date don't even have a clue about it unless you tell them. If someone dated you long distance because you had Bipolar and felt bad/thought you deserved to be in a relationship - then that is the wrong reason to date. I think she needs to be very careful here --- a man that she won't introduce to her parents and already has an STD --- she needs to really keep her wits about her and her mind open to meeting closer men, as well.

I don't disagree with you, was just commenting about the stigma surrounding mental illness and that those who suffer from can and do have happy supportive RLs if they work hard at it (as I do by doing Yoga, healthy eating, distancing myself from negative situations and people, breathing exercises, sunshine, etc.). And meds if and when needed (fortunately, I don't, but meds can and do benefit many people with more serious mental issues).

That said, agree there are many other serious issues (as reinvent said, insurmountable) to contend with which doesn't bode well for a happy, healthy future together, but given how rose feels at the moment, I don't envision her calling this off (so chose not to go there), even though that would probably be the correct (and smart) course of action under the circumstances.

He will always have mental illness. If he moves somewhere new, it could detiriorate if his mother was the one who reminded him about his meds or redirected him back to help when he was not doing so well -- if he is not set up with doctors right away, etc, he could deteriorate and he could spiral down again.

Absolutely agree. I don't know why you were proud of him for going off his medications. Bi polar is a very serious mental disorder and for most people,medications are the only thing that stops them from having severe symptoms. You can't will them away and they won't disappear for good. It truly is only a matter of time before they come back.

Medications will be what controls things again.

I think you need to honestly educate yourself about bi polar and medication. I wouldn't be applauding him for stopping them.

Being loyal is one thing, but I think you're also turning the situation with him into some kind of fantasy. You have nice ideas but I think they are somewhat deluded and the troubles from each of his issues will eventually come calling.

Yes, you're aware of his issues but that doesn't make you a saint for still deciding to stay with him. It could potentially make your life a very difficult one, which is why I asked if you had thought about this seriously.

I think being smart is just as important as being loyal or being empathetic and understanding.

Abitbroken, I am very sorry to hear what you went through, but your toxic long-distance relationship sounds nothing like mine.

I'm not sure why you don't believe me when I say that I haven't told my parents solely because of his religion. They are not the kind of people who would ever say "I told you so" no matter what happens, and I am not the kind of daughter who would sever ties with my parents over a guy. As I said, my partner wants to integrate into my family as peacefully as possible, even if it means converting - in which case they would welcome him with open arms.

There's no doubt that the obstacles in this relationship are overwhelming. But frankly you're convinced that this person is a lecherous monster who wants me for my virginity, which is absurd. He knows that we will not have sex until we are married and until I have consulted a doctor. The only thing he's really getting from me is my attention and love, which is reciprocated in equal measure.

"Does that mean I must consider ALL comers as suitors? Or do I screw my head on and choose someone who I could raise kids with because we agree on many points in life, we are within a reasonable age of eachother, etc, and other things. And I pick someone who can be a partner to me -- no one that I have to rescue."

My relationship is not a crusade for social justice. I am simply sensitive to people who are judged for things they cannot control and no, I don't "consider ALL comers as suitors". Not sure where that even came from. I don't view him as a charity case - I am with him because I love him and he seems right for me. You're erroneously assuming that we do not see eye-to-eye on many things due to our cultural differences, which is a misconception people have about interfaith relationships. You are also suggesting that finding someone who is closer to my age and shares my faith and geographical background is more "appropriate" than someone who understands me deeply and loves me for who I am. These are antiquated notions of compatibility and I completely disagree with you. He has rescued me just as much in many ways, but for some reason you seem to focus exclusively on his mental history - which is indeed important but not a complete reflection of his identity.

People with STDs should not be treated like damaged goods. More than 1 out of 6 people in the US have genital herpes and most aren't even aware that they're carrying a strain of the virus due to asymptomatic shedding. Wouldn't it be hysterical if I followed your advice and dated someone more "appropriate" only to find out they're HSV positive?

I have already made it clear that I will not be making any dramatic decisions until I spend at least a few years with him in the same city. When things feel more concrete, I will tell my parents. That does not sound like infatuation to me, but rather taking things slow and allowing myself to get to know him better.

Katrina1980, I am so glad you found someone who loves you and accepts you. My partner was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 1 and has managed to lay off mood stabilizers and alcohol, and engage in a healthy lifestyle for years now (which is what I meant about turning his life around). Thanks for sharing your story.

was just commenting about the stigma surrounding mental illness and that those who suffer from can and do have happy supportive RLs if they work hard at it

I totally agree with this as well, however, this man in particular has far more issues than just mental illness. I'm not even sure how OP expects things to go if she does become serious with him and her parents come into the picture, that's not even mentioning the STD, etc.