Jump to content

Age gap


Capttrae

Recommended Posts

Just throwing this out there. Me and the young lady I’ve been talking to the past few weeks have quite a difference in age. I’m 40 she’s 20. I was at her Mom’s store while I was off, she was in there with her daughter we got to talking about crossbows, guns, and deer hunting. Turns out she likes to shoot and hunt, so I asked her if she wanted to go shoot some, she said yes, jumped in the truck and said let’s go. We went and shot some, had a good time, best time I’ve had with a female in a long time. On the way back to the store I just blurted out do you want to go out sometime and she said yes, exchanger numbers etc. Couple hours later she texts me asks what I’m doing, I tell her, then ask if she wants to ride to the local bow/gun/sporting goods store. She says yes, we ride over there get what I need, get lunch, go back to my house watch a movie then go put out mineral and trail cams. And then spent a couple hours together for the next few days just talking and starting to get to know each other.

She ligit seems like a very nice young lady, who has her act together. She has to, she has a 1 year old. My friends, her parents and grandparents are telling her to hold on to me. We have good conversation and enjoy a lot of the same things, such as deer, duck, turkey hunting, both dog people. We actually have good conversations and for the first time in a long time I don’t feel like I’m trying to measure up against someone else. Yes I’m old enough to be her dad. Yes we are in two different places in our lives, but that’s ok, I don’t think either of us expect anything real serious out of it. I mean if something did become of it so be it, if not, we each have a new friend to hunt with and talk to.

Link to comment

As long as you are both having fun with no expectations, go forth. The people around her might be telling her to hang on to you, but you two are nowhere near that stage yet. Keep it light.

 

If you start to think more seriously about long-term potential, I would take a step back and consider the inherent risks involved in dating someone half your age.

Link to comment

I can't quite tell from the above if you're describing a budding friendship or a romance. That said, keep it light in these early stages. Enjoy getting to know each other without expectations about where it's all going, at least until that becomes a real concern to one or both of you.

 

There are pluses and minuses to age differences, as there are pluses and minuses to all differences between people becoming romantic. So if things develop it's worth really knowing what you're getting into.

Link to comment

Watching Dr. Phil, he speaks of a 95 percent divorce rate for age gaps of 20 years. Her brain won't fully form until she turns 25, so she's not thinking of the consequences if you did enter into a long term relationship. You would be retiring 20 years before her. Instead of having a companion your age to enjoy activities during retirement, she will be working and you'll be home alone. You would likely have a lot of the elderly health problems that she won't be subject to at the same time, but will be the one taking you to doctor appointments or driving you around if you can't any longer. As for me, I have to help out my elderly parents, and if I'd married a much older man, I wouldn't want to be taking on his elderly problems as well. Overwhelming.

 

I'm giving you the other side of "go for it." Lots to consider before jumping into something that might begin as fun, but people aren't robots and feelings will build which always entail hurt if it doesn't pan out how you wanted.

Link to comment

Cap I think this is good for you.

 

I am not sure about marriage and all that- and I think sometimes you initiate that as a way to hold on to someone or a way to be a gentleman. I love you to bits, and I want you to be fully available to someone for a good long time before you create a legal commitment.

 

I say go for it. Give it an extra long time before taking it into your future vision. Live in the moment, build incrementally, and let the moments build a relationship, of whatever sort, for you.

Link to comment

Wouldn't she be considered a dumb kid too? She had unprotected sex with a guy who she hadn't made a longterm, major decision of bringing a child into the world with? You're dealing with someone whose prefrontal cortex won't be fully mature for another 5 years. Just because you think you know what you're doing, doesn't mean she does. And just because a female has the body of a woman, doesn't mean she's the fully-formed, mature woman she will eventually be with extensive life experience. She was a teen yet one year ago. From a website:

Maturation of the Prefrontal Cortex

 

The prefrontal cortex, the part of the frontal lobes lying just behind the forehead, is often referred to as the “CEO of the brain.” This brain region is responsible for cognitive analysis and abstract thought, and the moderation of “correct” behavior in social situations. The prefrontal cortex takes in information from all of the senses and orchestrates thoughts and actions to achieve specific goals.

 

The prefrontal cortex is one of the last regions of the brain to reach maturation. This delay may help to explain why some adolescents act the way they do. The so-called “executive functions” of the human prefrontal cortex include:

 

Focusing attention

Organizing thoughts and problem solving

Foreseeing and weighing possible consequences of behavior

Considering the future and making predictions

Forming strategies and planning

Ability to balance short-term rewards with long term goals

Shifting/adjusting behavior when situations change

Impulse control and delaying gratification

Modulation of intense emotions

Inhibiting inappropriate behavior and initiating appropriate behavior

Simultaneously considering multiple streams of information when faced with complex and challenging information

This brain region gives an individual the capacity to exercise “good judgment” when presented with difficult life situations. Brain research indicating that brain development is not complete until near the age of 25, refers specifically to the development of the prefrontal cortex.

Link to comment

You know, usually, I quote the same statistic as Andrina does about 20-year age differences. But there is one big difference -- if you share common interests.

 

All too many couples have nothing in common other than life. But things change if you like the same things. My wife and I were at a comic book convention this weekend. We run a business together. We like genre movies and TV shows. We worked in hotels and convention centers together. I doubt our relationship would be any different if there was a 20-year age gap instead of a 6-year age gap.

 

So don't worry about age. Enjoy your friendship, and if it turns into a romance, you can beat the odds because of your shared interests.

Link to comment
Cap, what did you mean when you say for the first time in a long time you don't feel like you are being measured against someone else?

 

The now ex gf, I always felt like I was being compared to her ex husband. It was oh we had this big house over here, oh we had that house over here, this was when I had my hummer, we went on vacation to here, oh I need to call him and ask if we had been there before.

With the new girl, she was raised like me, in a comfortable but modest household, we have the same background, she understands that it’s not always champagne and caviar, some times it’s Macdonald’s and a coke. It’s just nice. Like yesterday I sent her some flowers she was tickled, or when I was home I’d open the door for her she don’t just expect it and I feel like I can let my Redneck hang out around her, not walk around on egg shells hoping I don’t say something wrong.

Link to comment
The now ex gf, I always felt like I was being compared to her ex husband. It was oh we had this big house over here, oh we had that house over here, this was when I had my hummer, we went on vacation to here, oh I need to call him and ask if we had been there before.

With the new girl, she was raised like me, in a comfortable but modest household, we have the same background, she understands that it’s not always champagne and caviar, some times it’s Macdonald’s and a coke. It’s just nice. Like yesterday I sent her some flowers she was tickled, or when I was home I’d open the door for her she don’t just expect it and I feel like I can let my Redneck hang out around her, not walk around on egg shells hoping I don’t say something wrong.

 

I get that. It's nice to feel appreciated and like you can be yourself around someone.

 

I think that there are many women out there who you could experience that with. I'd keep it in mind as a prerequisite when dating - not to be compared to an ex, not to be talked down to, to be shown appreciation and someone who is compatible with your personality and interests.

 

You asked what harm could come of pursuing this particular woman, and I think there are potential negatives to consider. I don't think it's as simple as go for it. Nor that this is about friendship, because you've already started a-courting her! So those wheels are in motion already. You can't and won't be an older man that she simply has a friendship with and can maybe gain some positive support from. She sees the interest, it's one of an older man that is approaching her as a possible mate.

 

I'm close to your age. There are two young women I've become close to , one is 18 now then other 24 now. They aren't relatives, we share friendship, though we are in very different phases in our lives. The 18 year old had a 37 year old man trying to court her for a time. Inside I was so furious! She's doubly vulnerable - due to her age and lack of experience, and also because she comes from a poor family background ( poor as in, lots of instability for her and no one watching out for her best interests . In fact, they berated her for not having a bf yet and not giving the mother a grand kid!).

 

Anyways, don't be that guy Cap. Don't be that guy who hovers around young vulnerable ones. And she is vulnerable; already a mother before starting her own life, only 20, and people around her encouraging her to jump on an older guy showing some interest in her. She should be getting encouragement to focus on school, getting a chance to grow up uninterrupted and support in giving her child the best possible life.

 

That's just what I think. If she was even five years older, it would look much different.

Link to comment

When my divorce paperwork was almost final, a guy noticed me - he went out of his way to come over and talk to me (not "excuse me" because i was in front of the shelf he wanted to get to at the grocery store), etc, and I could have gone out with him -- but to me, it was just a little sign for me that everything would be okay. i'd meet someone someday. I am noticed by men. For you, I think this is a rebound situation for you and that it is a nice reminder that there are women out there who are kind, share or appreciate your interests, and when the time or woman is right you will meet her.

 

She is a very young girl. Very young. I agree. if she were 5 years older - it would make a huge difference.

 

I think your biggest obstacle in meeting women is your work schedule. you are gone months at a time. if you were already married, your wife would be a bit like a military wife - handling things at home, etc, enjoying when you are home - but its not a good schedule to establish a new relationship. She isn't going to sit for months turning down dates and wait for you at home nor should she.

 

I have said this before -- the money may be great, but you have to decide what's important to you -- if you really, really want to meet your future wife, you might have to see what jobs can be offered in your industry where you can have a regular home life -- and going away and working not for months at a time. If you want to maintain the lifestyle you lead - you will just have a series of flings, non-exclusivity, etc, or meet women that need financial support to survive and figure they won't have to deal with you because you are never home. Two weeks every 3 months - one of which you won't want to be with her in order to hunt or fish -- is not a heckuva deal for a woman........

Link to comment

That’s a lot of good points that I haven’t really thought of. I don’t want to take advantage of the girl, but it’s nice having someone to talk to, yes she’s also very pretty, and fact is in my town the choices ain’t exactly just everywhere, by the time they turn 25 I’ll say a solid 75% of them are either meth heads or have 5 kids by 5 different guys, a few, I mean a very few don’t go down the meth road at some point in time, and sad thing is prolly 80-85% of the guys do too. It’s nothing against the people, it’s just their surroundings. Not much else to do other than screw and get high. So, that being said parents look for a decent type of guy for their daughter and I fit that description. Perfect no, not by a long shot, but effective.

Now will it ever work being on my 28/14 sechdule, doubtful but maybe. Plus I want a family again, nice house, step kids etc

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...