Moving for a relationship

Is stonewalling abusive in a relationship? Also do you think if someone moves for a relationship there should be a certain amount of appreciation from the other person?

Is stonewalling abusive in a relationship? Also do you think if someone moves for a relationship there should be a certain amount of appreciation from the other person?

Yes, stonewalling can be considered emotionally abusive.

As for moving for someone else and if that warrants appreciation, well, this depends on the individual circumstances.

If the other party specifically asked their partner to move and proceeded to treat them like crap once the move happened, obviously that's not good. If the move happened and the party who moved is being a jerk about it, that's not good either. If the one who moved did so on his or her own volition, without the express desire of the other person, and is then upset when their partner isn't thrilled to participate in the move, that's also a problem.

Since you provide no context and edited out details, we can't really answer your questions fully. Can you elaborate on your situation?

Stonewalling can be considered a form of emotional abuse, and it's certainly very bad news for a relationship.

If someone moves for a relationship... well, that depends. Did the other person actually want them to, or was it a unilateral decision on the part of the person who did the moving, without consulting with their partner? And if there's no appreciation, why not? Is something else going on here?

Who is stonewalling you and why? Who is moving to whom and why? Never move with resentment.

If you do not like the new location or feel you sacrificed too much, then it's a huge mistake to move. What type of "appreciation" are you looking for?

Is stonewalling abusive in a relationship? Also do you think if someone moves for a relationship there should be a certain amount of appreciation from the other person?

Context matters here, so I have no idea why you edited whatever details out. Legitimate stonewalling can be abusive. But so is being verbally or emotionally combative to the point someone knows they're beyond their sanity threshold having a talk with you. We have no idea what's going on in your relationship.

And, no, I don't think you're entitled to appreciation for moving. There are mutual pressures and sacrifices. Often it's the person who makes the move trying to benefit themselves, lacking the coincidence or motivation to lead their own life where they are. You could just as easily flip the script and say the person who moves should be appreciative of their partner accommodating their fresh start. In the end, it's probably not a battle worth picking.

It’s hard to give advice with so few details, but I will say this...

Moving far away from family, friends and your support network is tough! It can get incredibly lonely and you do start to wonder why you’ve done all that... there is certainly a period of adjustment.

The person moving needs to make sure that they take steps to ensure that their partner isn’t their whole life. They need to understand that they are going to be extra needy at this time and actively look to round out their life with activities - a job, joining a group or sport, partaking in hobbies, etc. in an effort to build a life and friends.

The person having someone move to them also needs to understand that their partner will likely be a bit needy for a while and try to be attentive. They also, though, have to continue living their life and have to make sure that their whole life does not revolve around their partner - because that is an unhealthy long-term dynamic.

Stonewalling can definitely be abusive. But... before you jump to the conclusion that the person is unappreciative and stonewalling, I would advise to check yourself. Are your requests reasonable? Are you making efforts to ensure that you have other things going on? Or are you hyper-focused?

If those efforts are being made - and the person is genuinely inattentive and stonewalling (ie: you aren’t just being extra sensitive and demanding which can happen in these situations)... then yeah... it’s a bad relationship...

There's a lot going into the situation and that's why I edited the post. I mainly moved because my gf asked me to. Her custody situation with her son relocated her across the country and she asked me to move with her. I followed a couple of months after she left, we both got an apt together. We had growing pains in our relationship when I relocated then an infestation issue happened with the apt right before a trip I made back home for my graduation. It was the first time being home since moving and she made it seem like my going on the trip was selfish considering the issues we were having. She broke up in a phone call the first night I was home and simply sent me a text to not return home and that she'd send me my things. I tried calling back and no response until the following day when she said she made a mistake and that she wanted the relationship. I told her I'd be willing to work at a relationship from my hometown. We tried talking things out over the course of a couple of months and the relationship became more and more conditional on her end whether or not I moved back soon. Meanwhile during all this I continued to help her out financially with the apt issue which she never seemed to appreciate. Besides the obvious trust issues, one of the main reasons I didn't move back right away was due to my Grandma's passing and wanting to be there for my Mom. Also wanting to build some type of foundation in the relationship before recommitting to moving in together again.

The stonewalling began somewhat recently and has gotten to the point where I can't say anything contrary without it ending up in my being blocked for the night or hung up on mid sentence. Because of how often it happens and how argumentative she's been in general it genuinely has made me start to question if someone else was in the picture.

Erm... have I got this right... she relocated because of her custody situation and you got an apartment together, an apartment for her and her son who isn't your child in the first place. You are currently subsidising her apartment even though you don't live there - for her and a child who isn't yours.

Meanwhile, she punished you for going back home for a perfectly legitimate reason. She continues to punish you whenever you disagree with her, and is also laying down the law and telling you the relationship is conditional on you moving back with her soon, whether you're ready to or not and regardless of your own family situation.

Sorry, but I really don't understand why you'd want to go back. There is no opportunity for compromise, creative problem solving together or meaningful connection - in other words, a healthy relationship - with someone who deals with their problems like this. Next time she starts to lay down the law about you coming back soon or she'll end the relationship, tell her she's right, stop helping her out financially and stay where you are. This spoilt little princess may already be someone else's problem, of course.

Honestly, her stonewalling and lack of appreciation are the least of your worries!

Why did she follow the baby dad across the country? Did she lose custody? Infestation? What kind of housing/apt is this? How often is she with the son and baby dad?

It sounds like there is conflict there and a lot of unfinished business. Does the baby dad pay child support? Why does she need you to pay for an apt. you don't live in? Get off the lease asap. Did she need you to cosign a lease?

You did the right thing moving back home. She's taking you for a ride and it sounds like a bad situation. Unfortunately you went on your own accord and chose to pay 1/2 the rent. As far as her silent treatment, that's not abuse, just a low class woman taking men for rides and manipulating. Cut all ties with her and don't look back.

I mainly moved because my gf asked me to. Her custody situation with her son relocated her across the country and she asked me to move with her. I continued to help her out financially with the apt issue

Yeah, there seems to be a lot of information missing. You were having relationship problems before you left, so it seems like you moved out, went back home and stayed there, graduation or not. So you were the one stonewalling. Not wanting to come back. She asked you to come back and you said you wanted to work on the relationship ... from your home. You can't really work on your relationship from across country and she knew it. So it really seems like you ended it. And now ... what? You want to blame her for moving out there? I assumed you wanted to move out there with her. She rented an apartment with having you there with you in mind. That's why you're still helping out on rent. A sense of obligation.

As I see it, you need to wrap things up. Pay her what you need to pay her for the rent and move on. And next time be sure what you feel and what you're doing in a relationship.

It's a lesbian relationship and she followed the baby mom across the country due to the fact that custody was awarded in favor of the birth mother. If she didn't move to xyz she would've lost custody. Her and the baby mom keep in contact pretty frequently over her toddler but it's strictly communication about her son.

Due to financial reasons and the fact that I am still on the lease Ive been paying my half of the rent. Legally I'm obligated to pay as long as I'm on it and at this point she can't afford to not have me as a co-signer. My issue isn't necessarily paying what's owed or even helping out, it's the fact that I have helped her out considerably financially with little to no appreciation. She views it as me simply throwing money at the problem which isn't the case.

I stayed home when she told me to not come back. I figured if she decided that things weren't working and her and I shared an apt she would be the one who would end up keeping the apt. I didn't know anybody in the city we moved to and wouldn't necessarily have had anybody to turn to in that event.

I'm having a hard time cutting ties with the situation because before everything hit the fan I genuinely felt like she was the one for me but I think it might be healthier for both of us to step away.

That isn't quite what happened. We had growing pains, sure. I had a flight back from my graduation trip and fully intended on returning. She explicitly told me in a phone call and text to not return and that she would send me my things. She changed her mind a day later after many an ignored phone call/text.

Yes I did decide on staying in my hometown after that incident out of caution. I knew if I moved in with her again right away and she decided things were through that she'd be the one keeping the apt. That's a good 2000+ miles out of my comfort zone away from anyone I know. I don't think it's necessarily fair to ask a person to uproot again when the foundation of a relationship is rocky at best. Long distance relationships do exist... It is possible to work at things from a distance but I guess the reality is neither one of us signed up for that.

I never blamed her for moving, not sure where that comment came from. I'm paying my half of the rent because of a sense of obligation, yes but I've definitely gone beyond that obligation in terms of helping out financially.

I don't necessarily see how I'm the one stonewalling seeing as I've been open to communication and the idea of moving within reason. To state that I didnt know what I was feeling or doing within the relationship I think is a misjudgment of the situation.